Let me explain something in hindsight and without the influence of alcohol.
Last night – yes, I made the mistake of meeting up with the ex. She wanted to see me for whatever reason she had. And I took the opportunity to see her because, let’s face it, I wanted to.
What was bad was that emotion is elevated during a time when we’re programmed for it to, like Christmas. Everyone’s emotions, no matter how much the love or hate the holidays, are always on full-tilt.
I’m no exception. [a quick question would be – well, Steve, you’re an atheist. How can you feel this way during CHRISTmas? Easy.. Haven’t you ever heard of Pavlov’s Dog?]
The fact that my emotions were hell-bent on missing her and wanting to see her that when I did, I crumbled. I tried to maintain and I was good for awhile but after hearing that she was going back for another go – it was too much for me.
Regardless of whether I think it will fail or not, it still hurts that the woman you love and you think loves you always chooses unwisely.
I told her she needed to try without fail to make this work for her. I’ve told her that so many times. The problem is, on her journey to make it work, she ended up going to Biloxi and not to her intended destination of Hoboken. That wasn’t her fault. That was his for always doing something stupid – like kicking her out of the house or telling her she’s a whore or something.
I gave her my blessing. All I want is for her to be happy. I want her to have what she deserves in life because, frankly, everyone deserves to be happy and everyone deserves the best (whether they choose it or not). She is an emotionally damaged woman, who needs the help of a professional. This, we have established. It’s a given. This damage is what makes her a pain in the ass to deal with at times. This damage is what causes her to do what she does, without fail. And I must be a masochist because it’s one of the things I enjoyed about her, because I got to take care of her emotionally. We had an equal relationship where she took care of me in other ways. This damage is also something that he cannot handle. He cannot deal. He didn’t before and he will fail again. He hasn’t been in close quarters with her in almost a year. And his proven track record is – he forgets pretty quickly.
We’ll see what happens. I use the analogy of a roulette wheel and she’s the ball. I told her I think she still hasn’t stopped bouncing yet. And when it finally stops, I told her to call me because my money is on black.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
I did something stupid
I did something stupid tonight. I met up with the ex because she needed to give me something of mine.
It was too close to xmas for me to see her.
All the feelings came back upon seeing her. I wish I didn’t go. She should have just mailed the thing to me.
We talked about stuff and she revealed that she’s moving back in with her husband… so now the fun begins… I told her I give her six months. Her only comment was that I had a right to be mad. What she doesn’t know is that I also have the right to be right.
I did tell her that I want her to be happy. And I meant it. I want her to find what she had with me. I want him to appreciate her. I want him to make her feel special. I want him to truly realize what kind of love he can have with her.
Of course… he never will.
Because he’s a fucking loser-ass-fucking-bullshit bitch.
It’s the alcohol talking, I think.
But I honestly hope she finds her happiness. I told her to try her hardest to make this work because.. well, when it fails she’ll know for sure it’ll never work out. So, she’d better try her hardest.
6 months… Maybe not even that long.. neither of them want to acknowledge the elephant.
I’m drunk btw. Absinth. Good stuff.
It was too close to xmas for me to see her.
All the feelings came back upon seeing her. I wish I didn’t go. She should have just mailed the thing to me.
We talked about stuff and she revealed that she’s moving back in with her husband… so now the fun begins… I told her I give her six months. Her only comment was that I had a right to be mad. What she doesn’t know is that I also have the right to be right.
I did tell her that I want her to be happy. And I meant it. I want her to find what she had with me. I want him to appreciate her. I want him to make her feel special. I want him to truly realize what kind of love he can have with her.
Of course… he never will.
Because he’s a fucking loser-ass-fucking-bullshit bitch.
It’s the alcohol talking, I think.
But I honestly hope she finds her happiness. I told her to try her hardest to make this work because.. well, when it fails she’ll know for sure it’ll never work out. So, she’d better try her hardest.
6 months… Maybe not even that long.. neither of them want to acknowledge the elephant.
I’m drunk btw. Absinth. Good stuff.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Christmas Day whoo hoo!
I have a sunburn, a cold and I'm terribly full.
First time I ever played golf and I actually did all right. I played very well for my first time.
Because I'm brilliant! That's right. Brilliant. Prove me wrong.
Of course, I think golf may be a religious game.. a lot of "GOD DAMN" this and "JESUS CHRIST" that. And, a little bit of Oedipus in there as well (a lot of motherly fornication going on). tee hee!
Total tally:
1 Box of Chocolates
3 Bottles of Wine
1 Ipod Shuffle
1 Hold 'Em Players Handbook
1 Deck of cards with poker chips
1 Shot glass with a mini-bottle of Absinth
And 1 fucking pumpkin chocolate loaf of bread. [Rolling Eyes]
First time I ever played golf and I actually did all right. I played very well for my first time.
Because I'm brilliant! That's right. Brilliant. Prove me wrong.
Of course, I think golf may be a religious game.. a lot of "GOD DAMN" this and "JESUS CHRIST" that. And, a little bit of Oedipus in there as well (a lot of motherly fornication going on). tee hee!
Total tally:
1 Box of Chocolates
3 Bottles of Wine
1 Ipod Shuffle
1 Hold 'Em Players Handbook
1 Deck of cards with poker chips
1 Shot glass with a mini-bottle of Absinth
And 1 fucking pumpkin chocolate loaf of bread. [Rolling Eyes]
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Merry f'ing Christmas!
Greetings all! And Merry Christmas. I hope everyone who reads this is enjoying their festive holiday season.
And for those other denominations – Happy Kwanza, Chanukah, Festivus, Christmukah, and, of course, Holidays… for the more generic celebrator.
As some of you may know, I am an atheist. Though I have strayed at times in hope that it would align me more with the woman I loved. That, however, was just foolish of me and was not a good reason why I, or anyone should stroll back to the Word. Actually, I don’t find any reason good enough to stroll back to the Word. The Word is stifling, hypocritical, egotistic and most of all almost impossible to follow without going to hell. Plus the idea of an omnipotent, omnipresent and benevolent being watching over us is absurd. However, if it gives you comfort believing this tripe then more power to you. Again, I thank my ex for giving me insight to further examine this issue and ridicule fundie beliefs as well as Intelligent Design (religious bias wrapped in pseudo-science).
Yes, I’ve begun to read the bible. It’s a good book of mythical stories and as such, should be read. It should also be read to combat those who use it to pass judgment on those they find morally and ethically inferior.
In regards to the bible, I’d highly recommend watching Penn and Teller’s Bullshit show on Showtime.
Linky!
Click the Linky to watch this particularly good episode.
Also, here is a story of a woman who has, over a period of a decade, found her way from fundamentalist Christianity to Athiesm… all on her own. It took me over 5 hours to read this so be prepared to sit awhile. It’s almost 100 pages worth. It’s worth it though.
So why am I spouting off my beliefs? Because I can. Since others do it, and more so than we atheists, why can't I?
And why am I saying Merry Christmas? After all it's a Christian holiday, is it not? Well, not really. It's based more on Pegan rituals than anything else. Tree? Pegan. December 25th? Pegan (to celebrate Winter Solstace) once again. Christ was not born in December, sorry to say. He was born somewhere between March and May... I've since been given proof that he at least existed. Plus, Xmas is more of a commercial holiday now, celebrated round the world by Christians and non-Christians alike.. Oh well..
And for those other denominations – Happy Kwanza, Chanukah, Festivus, Christmukah, and, of course, Holidays… for the more generic celebrator.
As some of you may know, I am an atheist. Though I have strayed at times in hope that it would align me more with the woman I loved. That, however, was just foolish of me and was not a good reason why I, or anyone should stroll back to the Word. Actually, I don’t find any reason good enough to stroll back to the Word. The Word is stifling, hypocritical, egotistic and most of all almost impossible to follow without going to hell. Plus the idea of an omnipotent, omnipresent and benevolent being watching over us is absurd. However, if it gives you comfort believing this tripe then more power to you. Again, I thank my ex for giving me insight to further examine this issue and ridicule fundie beliefs as well as Intelligent Design (religious bias wrapped in pseudo-science).
Yes, I’ve begun to read the bible. It’s a good book of mythical stories and as such, should be read. It should also be read to combat those who use it to pass judgment on those they find morally and ethically inferior.
In regards to the bible, I’d highly recommend watching Penn and Teller’s Bullshit show on Showtime.
Linky!
Click the Linky to watch this particularly good episode.
Also, here is a story of a woman who has, over a period of a decade, found her way from fundamentalist Christianity to Athiesm… all on her own. It took me over 5 hours to read this so be prepared to sit awhile. It’s almost 100 pages worth. It’s worth it though.
So why am I spouting off my beliefs? Because I can. Since others do it, and more so than we atheists, why can't I?
And why am I saying Merry Christmas? After all it's a Christian holiday, is it not? Well, not really. It's based more on Pegan rituals than anything else. Tree? Pegan. December 25th? Pegan (to celebrate Winter Solstace) once again. Christ was not born in December, sorry to say. He was born somewhere between March and May... I've since been given proof that he at least existed. Plus, Xmas is more of a commercial holiday now, celebrated round the world by Christians and non-Christians alike.. Oh well..
Monday, December 19, 2005
We all Need a "life" workout buddy
I recently watched an interview with Angelina Jolie (though, maybe I didn’t catch the whole interview but this is what I garnered). She’s one hot cookie, let me tell you. Anyway..
This was something I completely agreed with and what kinda makes me still depressed after all this time. When you accomplish something great in your life, it doesn’t mean much when you can’t share it with someone you truly care about. Sure, it should make me feel great about myself and all, and it does. I’ve accomplished many a great task and feat. In certain times, I didn’t feel melancholy when I didn’t have anyone to share my triumphs because I didn’t have anyone that I cared for as much as I recently did. Feeling proud of yourself is only amplified when you have another who is proud of you too.
So, lately, I’ve been pretty lethargic when it comes to doing things that I know will be great or have significant impact in my life because it’s really not all that when you can’t share it.
Maybe I want to have bragging rights or maybe I want to impress another but I certainly am not asking for approval or the like. In life, a partner who is of great importance drives us to be better, to make us try harder. It’s their job. To make us feel special and to make us feel we can do more than we set out to do; it’s something we should all do for our significant other. On our own, we may be ambitious and we may strive to work harder but we’ll never get that last set done without a partner.
This was something I completely agreed with and what kinda makes me still depressed after all this time. When you accomplish something great in your life, it doesn’t mean much when you can’t share it with someone you truly care about. Sure, it should make me feel great about myself and all, and it does. I’ve accomplished many a great task and feat. In certain times, I didn’t feel melancholy when I didn’t have anyone to share my triumphs because I didn’t have anyone that I cared for as much as I recently did. Feeling proud of yourself is only amplified when you have another who is proud of you too.
So, lately, I’ve been pretty lethargic when it comes to doing things that I know will be great or have significant impact in my life because it’s really not all that when you can’t share it.
Maybe I want to have bragging rights or maybe I want to impress another but I certainly am not asking for approval or the like. In life, a partner who is of great importance drives us to be better, to make us try harder. It’s their job. To make us feel special and to make us feel we can do more than we set out to do; it’s something we should all do for our significant other. On our own, we may be ambitious and we may strive to work harder but we’ll never get that last set done without a partner.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
My photographic side-gig
A friend of mine is shooting a movie. No, not a student movie or a wanabe movie but a movie he plans to submit to different film festivals for consideration. Hopefully, it will make direct-to-video or something of the sort. It's the story of a guy named Danny McKay (the movie is called The Danny McKay Project) who finds out he has a cancerous tumor in his brain. It's filmed more like a documentary - everything is shot with a digital hand-held.
The story is sad. I cried when I read the script. It was very emotional. I wasn't the only one - I found out many on the crew cried when they read the script. Not that it makes me feel better to know that. It's one of the best scripts my friend has written. I was very moved. I have no doubt he will be able to get on film what he put on paper. Not only is he a talented writer, he is also a talented director.
So... My job is Still Photographer. If you've ever seen promo shots of actors in a movie, those aren't the scenes from the movie itself. There is actually a photographer on-set that takes the photographs you later see on the DVD box, the movie poster, in promo shots for writers and reviewers... they're not taken from the movie itself. This job is fan-fucking-tastic. I'd give my left testicle for a job like this in the movie biz. It's fun, it's behind the scenes, it's easy and there's a lot of money in it. Unfortunately, it's a hard gig to get into. You need to know someone. And even then, good luck.
Anyway, the following are just some of the pics from behind the scenes. They're off my digital camera. I've got stills on film for the promo collateral. I'll have those tomorrow. I can't wait to see them.
This makes things very hard for me. On one hand, I want to move away.. to start anew. Yet, my friend is so close to getting a movie deal on something he wrote and he'll most likely direct. If this happens, I'll get the job of being the set photographer as he'll hire me for the gig. It's not like this will happen in the next year but I may move in that time. I'd have to friggin' move back! In any case, it's something I have to keep open as an option because I know he'll make it. It may sound shallow but I'm waiting for his success so that I can succeed as well. Unfortunately, it's a position you have to wait for someone else to succeed to get. Just a hope... Anyway, here are some shots.. Oh, and the main character looks a lot like Matt Damon.. and the costume designer looks a hell of a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker. How strange.
The story is sad. I cried when I read the script. It was very emotional. I wasn't the only one - I found out many on the crew cried when they read the script. Not that it makes me feel better to know that. It's one of the best scripts my friend has written. I was very moved. I have no doubt he will be able to get on film what he put on paper. Not only is he a talented writer, he is also a talented director.
So... My job is Still Photographer. If you've ever seen promo shots of actors in a movie, those aren't the scenes from the movie itself. There is actually a photographer on-set that takes the photographs you later see on the DVD box, the movie poster, in promo shots for writers and reviewers... they're not taken from the movie itself. This job is fan-fucking-tastic. I'd give my left testicle for a job like this in the movie biz. It's fun, it's behind the scenes, it's easy and there's a lot of money in it. Unfortunately, it's a hard gig to get into. You need to know someone. And even then, good luck.
Anyway, the following are just some of the pics from behind the scenes. They're off my digital camera. I've got stills on film for the promo collateral. I'll have those tomorrow. I can't wait to see them.
This makes things very hard for me. On one hand, I want to move away.. to start anew. Yet, my friend is so close to getting a movie deal on something he wrote and he'll most likely direct. If this happens, I'll get the job of being the set photographer as he'll hire me for the gig. It's not like this will happen in the next year but I may move in that time. I'd have to friggin' move back! In any case, it's something I have to keep open as an option because I know he'll make it. It may sound shallow but I'm waiting for his success so that I can succeed as well. Unfortunately, it's a position you have to wait for someone else to succeed to get. Just a hope... Anyway, here are some shots.. Oh, and the main character looks a lot like Matt Damon.. and the costume designer looks a hell of a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker. How strange.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Chicago's the deal breaker
It was the trip to Chicago that made me realize that I did not want to live in California anymore. Yeah, sure, it’s nice and all; the Southern California sun, the Hollywood celebrity scene, the fantastic looking, shallow fucking bitches that live for their BMW’s and Botox injections. It’s all great, until you want to live a life that is semi-realistic. I’m nowhere near Paris Hilton rich… hell, I’m not even near Gary Coleman rich. Living in Los Angeles is not something that can be sustained on an 8-to-5 job without roommates or without working a second job at Wal-Mart. And right now, I don’t have either.
Chicago has its downfalls – one in particular is the snow. Driving in the snow is terribly dangerous if you’ve never driven in it before. It’s something like an acquired taste. If you haven’t done it before you better do it slowly. One time I was in Fairbanks, Alaska in June and it snowed the week I was there. It’s not supposed to snow in June, from what I understand. What the fuck was nature thinking?
Of course, Los Angeles has the culture, restaurants, the beaches, the nightlife. Chicago does, too. Well, except for the beaches of course, unless you want to hang out at Lake Michigan.
It really isn’t that Chicago is the place I want to move to, it’s because it’s the most tolerable and socially acceptable place I’ve been to. Sure, San Antonio, Dallas, Seattle (hell, even New Jersey was decent) and some other places were nice but Chicago has a charm that I can’t seem to find anywhere else.
Plus, I want to start anew. Not having a place I can call my own and having an ex-girlfriend that I still have feelings for, there really isn’t anything left here that I want to deal with. It’s not that I want to run away; there’s nothing to run from. It’s better to get away from it all and just reestablish myself and not have the stigma that holds me down like bricks on a Mafia snitch. (Hey, Mafia reference, Chicago… gangster… yeah!)
Secretly, I wish I had someone I could just move here with (yes, I’m sitting in the airport typing this) and just root into society and begin again. I wish things were that simple.
Another plus in moving here is the women. They’re attractive yet down-to-earth and obtainable (not in an object sort of way, mind you). They aren’t as shallow minded as Los Angeles women and are much more interesting. Another plus – I can transfer in my company. I’m sure I could get a position out here, even if I have to “downgrade”. I just need a foothold before I go all willy-nilly in finding a new job.
I just want to find my zone, my happiness… my life. I want to be someone and it’s not happening here in So Cal.
Chicago has its downfalls – one in particular is the snow. Driving in the snow is terribly dangerous if you’ve never driven in it before. It’s something like an acquired taste. If you haven’t done it before you better do it slowly. One time I was in Fairbanks, Alaska in June and it snowed the week I was there. It’s not supposed to snow in June, from what I understand. What the fuck was nature thinking?
Of course, Los Angeles has the culture, restaurants, the beaches, the nightlife. Chicago does, too. Well, except for the beaches of course, unless you want to hang out at Lake Michigan.
It really isn’t that Chicago is the place I want to move to, it’s because it’s the most tolerable and socially acceptable place I’ve been to. Sure, San Antonio, Dallas, Seattle (hell, even New Jersey was decent) and some other places were nice but Chicago has a charm that I can’t seem to find anywhere else.
Plus, I want to start anew. Not having a place I can call my own and having an ex-girlfriend that I still have feelings for, there really isn’t anything left here that I want to deal with. It’s not that I want to run away; there’s nothing to run from. It’s better to get away from it all and just reestablish myself and not have the stigma that holds me down like bricks on a Mafia snitch. (Hey, Mafia reference, Chicago… gangster… yeah!)
Secretly, I wish I had someone I could just move here with (yes, I’m sitting in the airport typing this) and just root into society and begin again. I wish things were that simple.
Another plus in moving here is the women. They’re attractive yet down-to-earth and obtainable (not in an object sort of way, mind you). They aren’t as shallow minded as Los Angeles women and are much more interesting. Another plus – I can transfer in my company. I’m sure I could get a position out here, even if I have to “downgrade”. I just need a foothold before I go all willy-nilly in finding a new job.
I just want to find my zone, my happiness… my life. I want to be someone and it’s not happening here in So Cal.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Women are just lying sacks...
Why don’t you women just admit it – you’re shallow bitches who, if you found a drooling, one toothed, smelly homo dude with millions of dollars you’d think he was a wonderful man that you thought was “kinda cute”.
I can’t say that I’m in my physical peak. I’ve got a few pounds I’ve got to lose. But my personality more than makes up the way I look. I don’t think I’m hideous – I’m not grossly overweight. I don’t waddle when I walk, I don’t need a cane, and my calves aren’t bigger than my head. I can do pushups, sit ups and I can actually do an hour of cardio at the gym.
However, I do have the personality and wit to more than adequately make up for any physical “discrepancies” I may have. I’m intelligent, cocky and sometimes I’m actually confident.
What really pisses me off is the notion that these women on different online dating sites are looking for a guy that is funny, witty, intelligent and can hold a conversation. That looks don’t really mean anything to them (well, some of them, so they admit). But, a lot of them actually state what they would accept and hey.. I fit under those guidelines.
Then, why I say.. WHY do they not answer. Some are nice and actually they they’re not interested but what the fuck does it mean when they don’t even answer at all??! I’m beginning to think that women are just full of shit. No matter what they look like, they’re looking for someone who is a super model.
Not to mention that they’re looking for a super model with money.
Bitches. Fucking gold-diggers.
Yeah, I’m kinda bitter. And after watching the Victoria’s Secret model show on tv, it solidified even more for me the notion that I’ll never have a gorgeous woman like those on the runway. This isn’t being negative or thinking I’m not worthy (frankly, I think they’re not worthy of me) but if my feelings are true, women are lying sacks of shit.
If you’re not.. well.. give me a call…. I really need to get laid. (and, I’m good at that, too)
I can’t say that I’m in my physical peak. I’ve got a few pounds I’ve got to lose. But my personality more than makes up the way I look. I don’t think I’m hideous – I’m not grossly overweight. I don’t waddle when I walk, I don’t need a cane, and my calves aren’t bigger than my head. I can do pushups, sit ups and I can actually do an hour of cardio at the gym.
However, I do have the personality and wit to more than adequately make up for any physical “discrepancies” I may have. I’m intelligent, cocky and sometimes I’m actually confident.
What really pisses me off is the notion that these women on different online dating sites are looking for a guy that is funny, witty, intelligent and can hold a conversation. That looks don’t really mean anything to them (well, some of them, so they admit). But, a lot of them actually state what they would accept and hey.. I fit under those guidelines.
Then, why I say.. WHY do they not answer. Some are nice and actually they they’re not interested but what the fuck does it mean when they don’t even answer at all??! I’m beginning to think that women are just full of shit. No matter what they look like, they’re looking for someone who is a super model.
Not to mention that they’re looking for a super model with money.
Bitches. Fucking gold-diggers.
Yeah, I’m kinda bitter. And after watching the Victoria’s Secret model show on tv, it solidified even more for me the notion that I’ll never have a gorgeous woman like those on the runway. This isn’t being negative or thinking I’m not worthy (frankly, I think they’re not worthy of me) but if my feelings are true, women are lying sacks of shit.
If you’re not.. well.. give me a call…. I really need to get laid. (and, I’m good at that, too)
Monday, December 12, 2005
Happiness is a Lifetime Achievement
Happiness. It’s the brass ring we all strive to grab on the Merry-go-Round of life. Some may have actually touched it, jiggled it off of the hook, maybe even think they have it but… I think happiness is something that we all strive for but never really achieve. Yeah, some say they’re happy.. at the moment… or for now.. But what is happiness?
It’s elusive, intangible, fleeting. It’s something we think we are but probably strive to become more of. How can you be ‘more happy’? If you’re happy, you’re happy. End of story.
When someone asks me what I want to be I have to say – I don’t think about jobs or status or anything. I think about wanting to be happy. Wanting things to just.. fall in line so that I can be happy with my life. Unfortunately, I don’t think happiness is attainable. Sure, we are happy today or maybe this week.. Hell, we may even be happy for a couple months or a year but… life changes too much for us to remain happy for any given time. I wish life was much more simple than it is to where I can sit back, pop open a beer and be happy for the rest of my life. But I can’t.
I’m still striving just to be happy day-to-day. I’m getting better at that, but I don’t see long term just yet.
I think those people that say they are truly happy have either given up on life, stopped striving to become better or can’t find that next level or are just lying to themselves. Can you really say you’re truly happy? I don’t think I could. Well, I can’t say that I’m remotely happy now.
What would make me happy anyway? The next bonus check? The new car in my garage? The next great lay? Three kids, a pony and some Grape Nuts? No, I can’t say any of those would make me truly happy. Though I know that in the next year my happiness will go up by me being more selfless, by helping others gain a foothold in the story of life and making things just a little better for someone else. I want to donate not my money but my time, my knowledge, my compassion. I think that would get me on the road to happiness and may make me feel better.. but it won’t make me truly happy.
Happiness is a lifetime in attainment. It might even be the Nirvana Buddha had envisioned. It’s not something that comes to us in an epiphany. It’s something that, by the time we’re ready to die, we’ll finally have a grasp on.
The next time you think you’re happy, ask yourself – could you die that very minute.. for real? I mean, if life ended right at that very moment it’d be okay? Because you’re happy? I think not.. because if you are, I want to see you clutching that brass ring with all your heart.
It’s elusive, intangible, fleeting. It’s something we think we are but probably strive to become more of. How can you be ‘more happy’? If you’re happy, you’re happy. End of story.
When someone asks me what I want to be I have to say – I don’t think about jobs or status or anything. I think about wanting to be happy. Wanting things to just.. fall in line so that I can be happy with my life. Unfortunately, I don’t think happiness is attainable. Sure, we are happy today or maybe this week.. Hell, we may even be happy for a couple months or a year but… life changes too much for us to remain happy for any given time. I wish life was much more simple than it is to where I can sit back, pop open a beer and be happy for the rest of my life. But I can’t.
I’m still striving just to be happy day-to-day. I’m getting better at that, but I don’t see long term just yet.
I think those people that say they are truly happy have either given up on life, stopped striving to become better or can’t find that next level or are just lying to themselves. Can you really say you’re truly happy? I don’t think I could. Well, I can’t say that I’m remotely happy now.
What would make me happy anyway? The next bonus check? The new car in my garage? The next great lay? Three kids, a pony and some Grape Nuts? No, I can’t say any of those would make me truly happy. Though I know that in the next year my happiness will go up by me being more selfless, by helping others gain a foothold in the story of life and making things just a little better for someone else. I want to donate not my money but my time, my knowledge, my compassion. I think that would get me on the road to happiness and may make me feel better.. but it won’t make me truly happy.
Happiness is a lifetime in attainment. It might even be the Nirvana Buddha had envisioned. It’s not something that comes to us in an epiphany. It’s something that, by the time we’re ready to die, we’ll finally have a grasp on.
The next time you think you’re happy, ask yourself – could you die that very minute.. for real? I mean, if life ended right at that very moment it’d be okay? Because you’re happy? I think not.. because if you are, I want to see you clutching that brass ring with all your heart.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Anyone? Anyone?? Bueller?
HEY!
Are any of you slackers a member of the Orkut online member community? I WANT ACCESS! Not that I know any Brazillians (most of the people on Orkut) but I'd like to make more friends than I already have. Isn't that sad? And since I think Friendster is a big fucking joke, I want to be elite (or as they say in geekspeek -- 1337!)
Email me an invite if you're a member. I'll be your friend!
Are any of you slackers a member of the Orkut online member community? I WANT ACCESS! Not that I know any Brazillians (most of the people on Orkut) but I'd like to make more friends than I already have. Isn't that sad? And since I think Friendster is a big fucking joke, I want to be elite (or as they say in geekspeek -- 1337!)
Email me an invite if you're a member. I'll be your friend!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Christmas is for shallow, silly people... Who like scarves.
I hate Christmas. I hate it for numerous reasons. One, Jesus Christ was not born in December. If he even existed at all, he probably entered the world somewhere in March. Two, Christmas is more a Pegan holiday than a Christian one. First, the Pegans were celebrating the Winter Equinox. Second, they're the ones that introduced the damn tree. Third, Santa Claus is not a diety of any kind, though he probably represents a wintery one. Finally, what does Christ have to do with giving gifts and being Merry? I don't see the correlation. Do you? EDIT: I see it now.. Wise men who brought gifts yada yada yada.. okay... whatever..
Another reason to hate Xmas -- people are unrealistically nice to each other. Fake fake fake fake.. People are fake. People lie. People are being.... stupid. I hate Christmas because it makes us obligated to be nice to others. Why can't we be nice to each other all year round? Christmas 24/7 52 weeks a year.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- I don't want to spend money buying gifts for others. I'm sure everyone feels obligated in giving gifts. Well, don't buy me anything. I don't want it. I don't want the cheap bottle of wine, the gift certificate to Walmart, the cheese ball with nuts, a tin of popcorn, the joke blow up doll (no matter how horny I may be), the latest PSP game, a giftcard to Barnes and Noble, a facial from the local day-spa or anything else for that matter. I will, however, take cash. And not some trinket of an amount. I'm talking 3 digits or more.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- all the stupid Christmas commercials on tv. All of the stupid shopping days left. The lack of parking space at the mall.
The only good thing about Christmas -- Family, friends and food. Lots of food.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- people are unrealistically nice to each other. Fake fake fake fake.. People are fake. People lie. People are being.... stupid. I hate Christmas because it makes us obligated to be nice to others. Why can't we be nice to each other all year round? Christmas 24/7 52 weeks a year.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- I don't want to spend money buying gifts for others. I'm sure everyone feels obligated in giving gifts. Well, don't buy me anything. I don't want it. I don't want the cheap bottle of wine, the gift certificate to Walmart, the cheese ball with nuts, a tin of popcorn, the joke blow up doll (no matter how horny I may be), the latest PSP game, a giftcard to Barnes and Noble, a facial from the local day-spa or anything else for that matter. I will, however, take cash. And not some trinket of an amount. I'm talking 3 digits or more.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- all the stupid Christmas commercials on tv. All of the stupid shopping days left. The lack of parking space at the mall.
The only good thing about Christmas -- Family, friends and food. Lots of food.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
The EX emailed back
The EX emailed back.
She took her time but she emailed back.
I was quite surprised but I when she emailed back I swear I knew it would come. I felt it.
I will not post the email she wrote because it would not be right – I didn’t write it, though it is addressed to me.
In a nutshell, what she did write was that she still loved me, missed me and was sorry for hurting me. Her love for me will always be. Though she still thinks she loves her husband, she loves me too and that she always will. Her fear caused our break up to occur and now she realizes how being loved so deeply feels.
She also conceded to give me back the jewelry. So, we’ll wait and see.
Maybe one day we’ll actually be able to hang out with each other again. She would like it if I did forgive her and in the long run, I will. However, not right now.
Maybe one day she may even get the jewelry back….
She took her time but she emailed back.
I was quite surprised but I when she emailed back I swear I knew it would come. I felt it.
I will not post the email she wrote because it would not be right – I didn’t write it, though it is addressed to me.
In a nutshell, what she did write was that she still loved me, missed me and was sorry for hurting me. Her love for me will always be. Though she still thinks she loves her husband, she loves me too and that she always will. Her fear caused our break up to occur and now she realizes how being loved so deeply feels.
She also conceded to give me back the jewelry. So, we’ll wait and see.
Maybe one day we’ll actually be able to hang out with each other again. She would like it if I did forgive her and in the long run, I will. However, not right now.
Maybe one day she may even get the jewelry back….
Saturday, November 26, 2005
I Will Follow You Into the Dark
I wasn't always an EMO type of guy.. There are a lot of EMO bands that I can't stand. It used to be that Death Cab For Cutie was one of them. Over time and a few Bourbons, I've grown to love Death Cab. Currently, my most absolute, favoritist, bestest song ever is I Will Follow You Into the Dark. I love this song. Lyrics ahead.. Anyway, I drove up to the San Francisco area for Thanksgiving (Napa/Sanoma more like). I think it was the most fulfilling Thanksgiving I had ever experienced. It only solidified the want and need I have for my family and how much I enjoy them being in my life. I'm so glad to have such a great matriarch of a grandmother, cousins that I can shoot the shit with, aunts and uncles who try and "get" me (so funny). Driving almost 500 miles (one way) was well worth the experience. I did stop in San Fransisco for some pics, which will also be featured in this post.
I've gone from someone who wasn't sure whether a family would be appropriate for me to someone who wishes to find that special someone to start a new life, and to start new lives (wink wink). Of course, I don't want to start it NOW, but I do want to start one. I would find it most detrimental if I tried to start a family now. It would be rather irresponsible of me. But I do want to start one.
Picture of San Fransisco Bay Bridge (and the same pic I Photoshopped. Neat huh?)
I love SF....
Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
I've gone from someone who wasn't sure whether a family would be appropriate for me to someone who wishes to find that special someone to start a new life, and to start new lives (wink wink). Of course, I don't want to start it NOW, but I do want to start one. I would find it most detrimental if I tried to start a family now. It would be rather irresponsible of me. But I do want to start one.
Picture of San Fransisco Bay Bridge (and the same pic I Photoshopped. Neat huh?)
I love SF....
Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
An interesting ride...
It’s been an interesting time, these passed few weeks… I’ve calmed down quite a bit, it’s been more than 10 days since I’ve last taken my medication (though I still feel the effects of the withdrawals once in a while) and I’m chugging along without hearing from the ex. She still hasn’t answered the email I sent and I wonder if she’s even read it at all. I doubt she would answer it but I do hope to get the jewelry back.
I went to a job interview today where the position pays a lot more than what I’m making now, plus a 10% bonus. Though it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life, it sure would afford me a greater cushion in life.
What really kind of makes me sad is that… I want to share this with my ex. I want to tell her I went on this job interview where I did absolutely well. Well enough where I think I’ll be offered the position. I want her to know how much I feel confident in myself that everything’s going great and that I wish I could share it with her. It reminds me and affirms the notion that I wanted to spend my life with her, enrich our lives together and grow as a couple. I really miss that.
When you have something where mutual support was available and then it’s ripped away… it causes trauma that I’m unsure whether I’ll ever be able to get over.
And for that, I truly miss her.
I went to a job interview today where the position pays a lot more than what I’m making now, plus a 10% bonus. Though it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life, it sure would afford me a greater cushion in life.
What really kind of makes me sad is that… I want to share this with my ex. I want to tell her I went on this job interview where I did absolutely well. Well enough where I think I’ll be offered the position. I want her to know how much I feel confident in myself that everything’s going great and that I wish I could share it with her. It reminds me and affirms the notion that I wanted to spend my life with her, enrich our lives together and grow as a couple. I really miss that.
When you have something where mutual support was available and then it’s ripped away… it causes trauma that I’m unsure whether I’ll ever be able to get over.
And for that, I truly miss her.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
I finally broke down....
I finally broke down and emailed the ex. It isn’t a plea to take me back or to think about “us”. It’s about her and how she should really think about what she’s doing. It’s also a final closure. I did not write this to make her feel bad or to hope for her return to me. It is closure and a recommendation… a request, even. I hope you agree. I asked that she send the Tiffany jewelry back.
In some ways, this was very cathartic. It helped in more ways than one. I hope she takes it the way I intended it – to be a heartfelt suggestion on what she really needs to do. To make herself a better person and, if she really wants her relationship to work with her husband, she really needs to follow my request.
Pam,
I don't know why I'm writing you. It's something I need to say.. again. I've done it every time we've gone through this and it's always the same thing. You can read over the last letters I've written you, if you have them still. They will always paint out the same picture.
You're in an emotional hole that I don't think you will get out of by taking the path you're on. You need to objectively look at what you're doing, what he's doing. You cheated on a man who has treated you with great contempt, who has called you a whore, cheat and liar. He has broken your spirit down in the past and now, not only are you going back to him, he's taking you back? You have to question his motives and his own being. Then, you cheated on a man who loved you more than life itself. Who gave you what you wanted, needed and support for what could have been. To be honest, I truly believe you love me more than you know or are willing to admit. But, that's irrelevant now. You have to look at why you're like this. You have to examine who you really are, and find your strength to be a better person. I believe it will ultimately ruin any relationship you're in if you don't.
I am begging.. IMPLORING that you please do this one thing for me. Just one thing. Before you make any further commitments to your relationship with Judd, SEE A THERAPIST. Please. I want you to be happy. I want you to be strong. I want you to find what's best for you and I don't believe you're on that path. It's because I see the good in you, behind all of that emotional baggage, the lies, the guilt. I see one tremendously wonderful person. That's the person I was so in love with. To have someone not only love you but to believe in you is a true gift; it's what makes us strong. I hope we both find that one day.
I've always told you this. See your therapist, see your therapist. Instead, I believe you're using your faith as a crutch, a bandage to cover over something much greater. Faith is a wonderful thing. It gives people comfort, salvation and a hope greater than anything possible. There's nothing wrong with that. I just hope you aren't using it to cover up all of your insecurities, guilt, fear and pain. Only the inner-strength I KNOW you can find will help that.
I will always love you. I think you know that. If a chance for us arises again one day, know that I would seriously consider taking it. But first, you need some soul-searching. Though this event has been very traumatic for me, it has given me a new light and has shed some knowledge on what I do want and, in that, you've done me a great service. I now have hope and a direction. I know what I want and I thank you for that.
You will always be in my thoughts but I am now letting go of you. Your life is your own. And I hope you truly find the happiness that you seek. Again, please... seek the counseling for YOURSELF. Do this one thing for me.
Oh, and one more thing. I'd appreciate it if you sent me back the necklace and ring. They were gifts, yes, but are you really going to wear them now? Plus, the pretexts under which they were given were violated. Pease don't take this as a hit at you, it's just what I want.
Be happy and stay well. Goodbye, Pamela.
Steve
In some ways, this was very cathartic. It helped in more ways than one. I hope she takes it the way I intended it – to be a heartfelt suggestion on what she really needs to do. To make herself a better person and, if she really wants her relationship to work with her husband, she really needs to follow my request.
Pam,
I don't know why I'm writing you. It's something I need to say.. again. I've done it every time we've gone through this and it's always the same thing. You can read over the last letters I've written you, if you have them still. They will always paint out the same picture.
You're in an emotional hole that I don't think you will get out of by taking the path you're on. You need to objectively look at what you're doing, what he's doing. You cheated on a man who has treated you with great contempt, who has called you a whore, cheat and liar. He has broken your spirit down in the past and now, not only are you going back to him, he's taking you back? You have to question his motives and his own being. Then, you cheated on a man who loved you more than life itself. Who gave you what you wanted, needed and support for what could have been. To be honest, I truly believe you love me more than you know or are willing to admit. But, that's irrelevant now. You have to look at why you're like this. You have to examine who you really are, and find your strength to be a better person. I believe it will ultimately ruin any relationship you're in if you don't.
I am begging.. IMPLORING that you please do this one thing for me. Just one thing. Before you make any further commitments to your relationship with Judd, SEE A THERAPIST. Please. I want you to be happy. I want you to be strong. I want you to find what's best for you and I don't believe you're on that path. It's because I see the good in you, behind all of that emotional baggage, the lies, the guilt. I see one tremendously wonderful person. That's the person I was so in love with. To have someone not only love you but to believe in you is a true gift; it's what makes us strong. I hope we both find that one day.
I've always told you this. See your therapist, see your therapist. Instead, I believe you're using your faith as a crutch, a bandage to cover over something much greater. Faith is a wonderful thing. It gives people comfort, salvation and a hope greater than anything possible. There's nothing wrong with that. I just hope you aren't using it to cover up all of your insecurities, guilt, fear and pain. Only the inner-strength I KNOW you can find will help that.
I will always love you. I think you know that. If a chance for us arises again one day, know that I would seriously consider taking it. But first, you need some soul-searching. Though this event has been very traumatic for me, it has given me a new light and has shed some knowledge on what I do want and, in that, you've done me a great service. I now have hope and a direction. I know what I want and I thank you for that.
You will always be in my thoughts but I am now letting go of you. Your life is your own. And I hope you truly find the happiness that you seek. Again, please... seek the counseling for YOURSELF. Do this one thing for me.
Oh, and one more thing. I'd appreciate it if you sent me back the necklace and ring. They were gifts, yes, but are you really going to wear them now? Plus, the pretexts under which they were given were violated. Pease don't take this as a hit at you, it's just what I want.
Be happy and stay well. Goodbye, Pamela.
Steve
Friday, November 18, 2005
What do women want? Originally - 7/2000
Orignally posted on my AOL webpage on 9th July 2000.
--
July 9, 2000
You've been there (I'm talking to men, so you women.. go watch Oprah or something.. okay, don't!). You're in a club and you're eyein' the hottie at the bar and you're thinking, 'Wow!' (Single syllables are choice!) Anyway, you're checking this woman out and she looks at you and you think, 'Whoa! She's checking me out!' and you're feeling all bad-ass and then.. she turns to the slimeball next to her and gives him a big sloppy kiss. Your next thought is, ' what the fuhhh??'
That's right, you're checking out a gorgeous woman who kisses someone who can only be described as someone below you on the food chain, a guy who either has lots of money or a big dick because, in the scheme of things, if it weren't for those two attributes he'd be sitting at home petting his willy.
Now, let's get back to that final thought, "what the fuhhh?" You turn to your buddy and all you can do is point and say, "ehhh??" at the unbelievable couple. You take a swig of your beer and decide that life sucks because you have an average dick and you're the night manager at McDonald's. Then you hear, later, that women really don't care about money or the size of your unit. It's what's inside that matters.
Well, here's where my rant begins. I'm really not sure anymore what to think about this because, to be honest, I'm absolutely confused! I've been reading the love@aol ads because I personally get a kick out of all the women looking for men online. Of course, I've put an ad or two to see how it fares but I've only managed to meet psycho women from Pacoima. But, anyway, about these ads… If women are so into personality and sense of humour and great personality, why is it that all the ads I've read involve a man that makes $80k or more? Yet, the woman makes between ten and twenty-five thousand dollars a year. What do they friggin' bring to the table? Their fake tits? Puhleeze. (I know, I know, there are women out there who want more than that.. YEAH, THEY WANT A SPORTS CAR TOO!! HAHAHA, j/k)
And then there's me. I think I've said how I've played the asshole and the sensitive guy. I've been across the gamut. I drive a motorcycle, I've tattoos and I make decent money. I live by the beach in a house! Not an apartment or condo… a house near the beach. I don't live with my parents and I own my own car. I'm intelligent and I actually know what words like 'juxtaposition' and 'peregrination' mean. I think I'm witty and I've got a great sense of humour. Now, maybe it's because I live the Los Angeles area or maybe it's because I'm not physically attractive to the female sex (I'm not saying I'm ugly, mind you!), but that shouldn't matter right? Because women are digging the thinking, witty man, right?? Sure! * wink wink! * Actually, what I'm trying to say is, I've got the bad boy look with the wholesome attitude, topped with a great sense of humour. I tried to cover the entire spectrum, just to be safe. But, if being in a relationship was like having a job, I'd be in the ever-perpetual unemployment line.
My point is, women are just god-damned confusing. They say they want this or that in a man and then when you give it to them, they turn around and take exactly the opposite. In the end, I'm just a tattooed, motor-ridin', sissy-boy living in an over-priced two-story house with two other roomies. I've found that the image doesn't get what you want but neither does the money or big dick. I've also found that being a great looking jockboy works well but it's still not the be-all, get-all either. I think it's a well-balanced juggle of all of these attributes (look good, be good and, above all, feel good. About yourself). So, I'm going to go out tomorrow to get a penis pump, a treadmill and the winning ticket to the California Lotto because hey.. I already have the motorcycle and tattoos.. I just need the money and big dick. Oh, and don't forget the hot bod, too.
PROLOGUE: After a recent conversation with my cousin in Italy (he's not Italian, just in Italy) regarding this topic, he conveyed to me some things I already knew (but were afraid to admit). First men, remember to always be confident. Confidence is better than chocolate when it comes to turning women on. Hell, bring a Hershey bar and your confidence to the table and she'll be eating that chocolate for breakfast - in your bed. Take some time to listen and get to know the girl you want. And just be yourself. It doesn't hurt if you tell the chick you make 60 grand a year, either. Just don't let her see your '82 Volkswagen Gulf in the parking lot as you two are leaving.
--
July 9, 2000
You've been there (I'm talking to men, so you women.. go watch Oprah or something.. okay, don't!). You're in a club and you're eyein' the hottie at the bar and you're thinking, 'Wow!' (Single syllables are choice!) Anyway, you're checking this woman out and she looks at you and you think, 'Whoa! She's checking me out!' and you're feeling all bad-ass and then.. she turns to the slimeball next to her and gives him a big sloppy kiss. Your next thought is, ' what the fuhhh??'
That's right, you're checking out a gorgeous woman who kisses someone who can only be described as someone below you on the food chain, a guy who either has lots of money or a big dick because, in the scheme of things, if it weren't for those two attributes he'd be sitting at home petting his willy.
Now, let's get back to that final thought, "what the fuhhh?" You turn to your buddy and all you can do is point and say, "ehhh??" at the unbelievable couple. You take a swig of your beer and decide that life sucks because you have an average dick and you're the night manager at McDonald's. Then you hear, later, that women really don't care about money or the size of your unit. It's what's inside that matters.
Well, here's where my rant begins. I'm really not sure anymore what to think about this because, to be honest, I'm absolutely confused! I've been reading the love@aol ads because I personally get a kick out of all the women looking for men online. Of course, I've put an ad or two to see how it fares but I've only managed to meet psycho women from Pacoima. But, anyway, about these ads… If women are so into personality and sense of humour and great personality, why is it that all the ads I've read involve a man that makes $80k or more? Yet, the woman makes between ten and twenty-five thousand dollars a year. What do they friggin' bring to the table? Their fake tits? Puhleeze. (I know, I know, there are women out there who want more than that.. YEAH, THEY WANT A SPORTS CAR TOO!! HAHAHA, j/k)
And then there's me. I think I've said how I've played the asshole and the sensitive guy. I've been across the gamut. I drive a motorcycle, I've tattoos and I make decent money. I live by the beach in a house! Not an apartment or condo… a house near the beach. I don't live with my parents and I own my own car. I'm intelligent and I actually know what words like 'juxtaposition' and 'peregrination' mean. I think I'm witty and I've got a great sense of humour. Now, maybe it's because I live the Los Angeles area or maybe it's because I'm not physically attractive to the female sex (I'm not saying I'm ugly, mind you!), but that shouldn't matter right? Because women are digging the thinking, witty man, right?? Sure! * wink wink! * Actually, what I'm trying to say is, I've got the bad boy look with the wholesome attitude, topped with a great sense of humour. I tried to cover the entire spectrum, just to be safe. But, if being in a relationship was like having a job, I'd be in the ever-perpetual unemployment line.
My point is, women are just god-damned confusing. They say they want this or that in a man and then when you give it to them, they turn around and take exactly the opposite. In the end, I'm just a tattooed, motor-ridin', sissy-boy living in an over-priced two-story house with two other roomies. I've found that the image doesn't get what you want but neither does the money or big dick. I've also found that being a great looking jockboy works well but it's still not the be-all, get-all either. I think it's a well-balanced juggle of all of these attributes (look good, be good and, above all, feel good. About yourself). So, I'm going to go out tomorrow to get a penis pump, a treadmill and the winning ticket to the California Lotto because hey.. I already have the motorcycle and tattoos.. I just need the money and big dick. Oh, and don't forget the hot bod, too.
PROLOGUE: After a recent conversation with my cousin in Italy (he's not Italian, just in Italy) regarding this topic, he conveyed to me some things I already knew (but were afraid to admit). First men, remember to always be confident. Confidence is better than chocolate when it comes to turning women on. Hell, bring a Hershey bar and your confidence to the table and she'll be eating that chocolate for breakfast - in your bed. Take some time to listen and get to know the girl you want. And just be yourself. It doesn't hurt if you tell the chick you make 60 grand a year, either. Just don't let her see your '82 Volkswagen Gulf in the parking lot as you two are leaving.
So this is what contentment feels like..
Four days without my Effexor. It's been pretty rough. I cry at work in the middle of training a class or I go ape shit and have to go somewhere to calm down. All, of course, brought on by the thought of the ex.
Well, not anymore.
I saw the therapist and fuck.. I haven't felt this validated in months. A load was lifted from me and salvation is heading my way. If this were a Disney movie, I'd call it Song of the South OC.
I'm actually feeling content. I don't feel angry, sad, helpless... I can think rationally.. straight.. without emotional outburst. It's a wonderful feeling.
To be told that the ex is not emotionally stable enough to be a mother was so gratifying. And that the husband's acts of hoop jumping are ludicrous. I needed that. It was a good night for me.
I think it's time to close this chapter for good. Time to move on.
Man.. I just need to get laid.
Well, not anymore.
I saw the therapist and fuck.. I haven't felt this validated in months. A load was lifted from me and salvation is heading my way. If this were a Disney movie, I'd call it Song of the South OC.
I'm actually feeling content. I don't feel angry, sad, helpless... I can think rationally.. straight.. without emotional outburst. It's a wonderful feeling.
To be told that the ex is not emotionally stable enough to be a mother was so gratifying. And that the husband's acts of hoop jumping are ludicrous. I needed that. It was a good night for me.
I think it's time to close this chapter for good. Time to move on.
Man.. I just need to get laid.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
[Sigh]
Sometimes, there are events in our lives that we cannot explain. Some people say that everything happens for a reason. I want to believe this. Really, I do. But, I don’t subscribe to the notion that things were meant to happen and that there’s a destiny and that we have a fate in store for us. But, sometimes things occur that are really coincidental. I was watching tv and the story of Jesus and the shroud of Turin happen to be on. And, at the same time, ideals on atheism, the lack of a higher power and such have also somehow become more prevalent. It’s weird. It doesn’t change my outlook on things. Everything happens not for a reason, but by chance, and by coincidence and are noticed especially when you’re looking for it.
I’m trying with effort to move on. I’ve resigned to the notion that if it was meant to be, it will happen (hence the notion that I wish things happen for a reason). If she truly loves me, she shall come. If there is a chance, she will take it. Until then, I must move on and accept that we’re not in the right place for what we thought was a good thing. She has to learn on her own whether or not what she has now is actually the right thing for her. And I must accept that, regardless of how hard that may be. If I never get her back, well… I will always remember the good times and will always have a place in my heart for my Pamela.
I love you. I always will and I know inside you love me. You just have to work out what is you need to work out. If it’s true, you’ll end up with your happiness. And I’ve accepted that. I won’t wait for you. However, if it comes my way, I will not deny you.
I’m trying with effort to move on. I’ve resigned to the notion that if it was meant to be, it will happen (hence the notion that I wish things happen for a reason). If she truly loves me, she shall come. If there is a chance, she will take it. Until then, I must move on and accept that we’re not in the right place for what we thought was a good thing. She has to learn on her own whether or not what she has now is actually the right thing for her. And I must accept that, regardless of how hard that may be. If I never get her back, well… I will always remember the good times and will always have a place in my heart for my Pamela.
I love you. I always will and I know inside you love me. You just have to work out what is you need to work out. If it’s true, you’ll end up with your happiness. And I’ve accepted that. I won’t wait for you. However, if it comes my way, I will not deny you.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
This is my therapy.
This is therapy.
Dear P -
You are a complete and utter bitch and I absolutely hate you. You are senseless, careless, selfish, delusional, and completely mental. Hell, I should almost feel sorry for you. Your actions have set me back years, if not decades. I’ve become a wreck because of it.
I must admit… you are a clever and shrewd opponent. You got what you wanted by playing two sides. He ended up caving to your needs before me. However, I think you’re being played more by him than I by you. His caving, I believe, is simply manipulation to draw you in. But, one can never tell, he may have actually changed for the better. I highly doubt that, though. Even the little things he has done have led me to believe he has no backbone or strength. He is and always will be a pussy-bitch (alleged) homosexual fuckwad to me. And, you are the woman who wants him. That, to me, is on a level much lower than he.
It’s amazing what two people of such low self-esteem and low self-worth are capable of doing. Here are some observations –
It seems you two are trying to resurrect a relationship that seemed to have fizzled years ago. Back when the both of you were two different people. If my memory serves me correctly, you’re both in different places and are different people than what you were those many years ago. When you realize who each is now, as opposed to back then, you’ll be reeling with the feeling of idiocy.
You two haven’t tackled the problems that are so hugely apparent. I find it almost comical that you’re able to ignore the 600 pound pink gorilla dancing on your coffee table in the middle of your living room. I guess that’s why they say ignorance is bliss. To you two, it must be a fucking salvation.
Putting your faith in god and the church isn’t going to solve the problems you have inside you. It’s simply a bandage, held on by lackluster stickytape… the kind that washes off from a light morning sprinkle. If you would have only followed my and others’ advice and walked away from both of us, maybe you’d be a more grounded and sane individual. In desperate times, come desperate actions. And your desperation is off the charts.
I can speak from experience that you have had no forward progress in your state of mental stability. In fact, I think you’ve moved backwards. I always told you to continue to seek guidance from your therapist. Of course, the Welbutrin is working wonders [sarcasm].
Just know this, you would have had what you wanted from me, only if you would have waited and planned and sought the help you needed before moving to that point. I would have been there for you. I would have helped you. I would have compromised and we could have dealt with it together. I honestly believe we could have been more than happy together. Not only best friends, but lovers and confidants.
I can’t say I wish you well. Chances are, the poles will shift, gravity will cease to exist and the sun will go super-nova before your marriage works out. But, in the off-chance (and I mean OFF-CHANCE) that does work out, you will end up more miserable and more fucked up than you are now. And that’s my consolation. Consider it your indoctrination to hell. Because that’s probably the next place I’ll see you.
With absolute revulsion,
Me
PS: I’ll be awaiting your call when everything comes crumbling. I hope you’re prepared for the shit I’m going to give you, if I even take your fucking call.
PPS: I WANT THE TIFFANY RING AND NECKLACE BACK. YOU DON’T DESERVE THEM.
Dear P -
You are a complete and utter bitch and I absolutely hate you. You are senseless, careless, selfish, delusional, and completely mental. Hell, I should almost feel sorry for you. Your actions have set me back years, if not decades. I’ve become a wreck because of it.
I must admit… you are a clever and shrewd opponent. You got what you wanted by playing two sides. He ended up caving to your needs before me. However, I think you’re being played more by him than I by you. His caving, I believe, is simply manipulation to draw you in. But, one can never tell, he may have actually changed for the better. I highly doubt that, though. Even the little things he has done have led me to believe he has no backbone or strength. He is and always will be a pussy-bitch (alleged) homosexual fuckwad to me. And, you are the woman who wants him. That, to me, is on a level much lower than he.
It’s amazing what two people of such low self-esteem and low self-worth are capable of doing. Here are some observations –
It seems you two are trying to resurrect a relationship that seemed to have fizzled years ago. Back when the both of you were two different people. If my memory serves me correctly, you’re both in different places and are different people than what you were those many years ago. When you realize who each is now, as opposed to back then, you’ll be reeling with the feeling of idiocy.
You two haven’t tackled the problems that are so hugely apparent. I find it almost comical that you’re able to ignore the 600 pound pink gorilla dancing on your coffee table in the middle of your living room. I guess that’s why they say ignorance is bliss. To you two, it must be a fucking salvation.
Putting your faith in god and the church isn’t going to solve the problems you have inside you. It’s simply a bandage, held on by lackluster stickytape… the kind that washes off from a light morning sprinkle. If you would have only followed my and others’ advice and walked away from both of us, maybe you’d be a more grounded and sane individual. In desperate times, come desperate actions. And your desperation is off the charts.
I can speak from experience that you have had no forward progress in your state of mental stability. In fact, I think you’ve moved backwards. I always told you to continue to seek guidance from your therapist. Of course, the Welbutrin is working wonders [sarcasm].
Just know this, you would have had what you wanted from me, only if you would have waited and planned and sought the help you needed before moving to that point. I would have been there for you. I would have helped you. I would have compromised and we could have dealt with it together. I honestly believe we could have been more than happy together. Not only best friends, but lovers and confidants.
I can’t say I wish you well. Chances are, the poles will shift, gravity will cease to exist and the sun will go super-nova before your marriage works out. But, in the off-chance (and I mean OFF-CHANCE) that does work out, you will end up more miserable and more fucked up than you are now. And that’s my consolation. Consider it your indoctrination to hell. Because that’s probably the next place I’ll see you.
With absolute revulsion,
Me
PS: I’ll be awaiting your call when everything comes crumbling. I hope you’re prepared for the shit I’m going to give you, if I even take your fucking call.
PPS: I WANT THE TIFFANY RING AND NECKLACE BACK. YOU DON’T DESERVE THEM.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
I'm addicted..
I love blogging. I can't get enough. I think everyone in the world should do this. But they shouldn't be writing about politics and all of the woes of the world. That's what CNN, MSNBC, NPR, FOX News (Conservatism at its finest! [finger down throat]) and the 500 Club are for. What everyone should be writing about is sex, love, lies and human imperfection.
This was originally posted on my AOL webpage on 23 July 2000
---
July 23, 2000
This week, there were many a subject to choose from: My flight to San Francisco on Delta (it sucked hard), big government and it's overspending ways (a little too deep), offensive racial slurs (I think next week will be this one.. Hey Hillary….!) and, finally, oral sex (namely, cunnulingus). I don't know if you guessed it or not, but I decided to opt for the oral sex.
Why did I choose this topic you asked? It all spurred from a conversation I had with a few friends around a table at Chevy's in downtown San Francisco (a nice little Mexican place, I must say). One of the guys brought up the subject of oral sex and how he feels it's wrong to "go downtown" on a woman. First, his reasoning behind it was that, maybe, if a guy does the deed, could he possibly do it to a man? I scoffed at that. After minutes of prodding, we found out the real reason; he felt it was wrong due to the fact that the man was in a subservient position (on his knees, his back, whatever) giving a woman pleasure. I quickly interjected.
I had to make a point that was not only convincing, but absolutely true. Now, you women know how much this act gives pleasure. I'm sure you'd like to find a guy that not only likes to perform the act, but does it well enough to at least get something going on. I had to disagree with him wholeheartedly because first, it's not subservient. If anything, the man has all the power in performing this act. And, second, his feeling of it being a subservient act only goes to prove how he had much deeper issues other than "petting the pink kitty," if you know what I mean.
We argued for almost an hour (like his girlfriend did, as he pointed out) about this. I put bullet holes in his paper-thin defense. I reiterated how pleasurable it was for me to give to the woman this selfless pleasure and how much it made me feel good. He didn't understand. In fact, he pointed out that he did just fine and that he had no complaints… Well, duh! Women are funny that way in the fact they cover those things up as to not hurt feelings or squash egos. Likening it to baseball, if all you threw were curve balls, eventually the batter will figure it out and hit it every time. Soon, you'll be pitching in the triple-A's. You gotta learn the oral pleasures, people! So… no oral fun… No more girlfriend.
I know, some of you women are thinking.. there's more to life than sex.. Yes, there is, but sex is still a part of it and, admit it, you'd leave if all you were doing was the missionary. Hello! Variety!
Anyway, for you guys out there who think it's sick or wrong to go down to the little "Folds of Glory", get a clue! This one simple act will not only get her jumping on your face for more, but will get her to do things to you you'd normally never get. But, learn how to do it properly. It takes practice. No biting, tickling, poking at it asking, "What's this??" Instant turn-off. There are books on the subject (you won't find it at your local library, of course) and I'd highly suggest you pick one up. If anything, do it because you like to do it. If you don't, at least do it so that you can hold it against her so she'll give you what you want.
In the end, my motto's always been, "it's better to give than to receive." Of course, he still disagrees.
This was originally posted on my AOL webpage on 23 July 2000
---
July 23, 2000
This week, there were many a subject to choose from: My flight to San Francisco on Delta (it sucked hard), big government and it's overspending ways (a little too deep), offensive racial slurs (I think next week will be this one.. Hey Hillary….!) and, finally, oral sex (namely, cunnulingus). I don't know if you guessed it or not, but I decided to opt for the oral sex.
Why did I choose this topic you asked? It all spurred from a conversation I had with a few friends around a table at Chevy's in downtown San Francisco (a nice little Mexican place, I must say). One of the guys brought up the subject of oral sex and how he feels it's wrong to "go downtown" on a woman. First, his reasoning behind it was that, maybe, if a guy does the deed, could he possibly do it to a man? I scoffed at that. After minutes of prodding, we found out the real reason; he felt it was wrong due to the fact that the man was in a subservient position (on his knees, his back, whatever) giving a woman pleasure. I quickly interjected.
I had to make a point that was not only convincing, but absolutely true. Now, you women know how much this act gives pleasure. I'm sure you'd like to find a guy that not only likes to perform the act, but does it well enough to at least get something going on. I had to disagree with him wholeheartedly because first, it's not subservient. If anything, the man has all the power in performing this act. And, second, his feeling of it being a subservient act only goes to prove how he had much deeper issues other than "petting the pink kitty," if you know what I mean.
We argued for almost an hour (like his girlfriend did, as he pointed out) about this. I put bullet holes in his paper-thin defense. I reiterated how pleasurable it was for me to give to the woman this selfless pleasure and how much it made me feel good. He didn't understand. In fact, he pointed out that he did just fine and that he had no complaints… Well, duh! Women are funny that way in the fact they cover those things up as to not hurt feelings or squash egos. Likening it to baseball, if all you threw were curve balls, eventually the batter will figure it out and hit it every time. Soon, you'll be pitching in the triple-A's. You gotta learn the oral pleasures, people! So… no oral fun… No more girlfriend.
I know, some of you women are thinking.. there's more to life than sex.. Yes, there is, but sex is still a part of it and, admit it, you'd leave if all you were doing was the missionary. Hello! Variety!
Anyway, for you guys out there who think it's sick or wrong to go down to the little "Folds of Glory", get a clue! This one simple act will not only get her jumping on your face for more, but will get her to do things to you you'd normally never get. But, learn how to do it properly. It takes practice. No biting, tickling, poking at it asking, "What's this??" Instant turn-off. There are books on the subject (you won't find it at your local library, of course) and I'd highly suggest you pick one up. If anything, do it because you like to do it. If you don't, at least do it so that you can hold it against her so she'll give you what you want.
In the end, my motto's always been, "it's better to give than to receive." Of course, he still disagrees.
I found these most entertaining, enlightening and well... brilliant.
Clicky on da linky --
Linky 1
Linky 2
I found this to be particularly humorous -
Linky 3
When I asked for a sign of god's existence, I got this blog instead. Somehow, I don't think this was the sign I was supposed to get.
Linky 4
Something I've been thinking about. Does God make it a point to put two people together? Then, continue to assert his will that these two people should be together, that their lives were meant to be together? This would go against all religious logic (religious logic? Isn't that an oxymoron??) I think. First, man has free will. If we have free will, god CANNOT know who should be with who and what our lives shall be like and what path we will take. So, if god knows who should be together with whom, that would lead to the notion that we don't have free will and that we have destiny. If we have destiny and fate, we wouldn't have free will and thus, god has a plan for all of us. It's a conundrum that I think most people cannot see or think about. If god has a plan for us all, and we have free will... how can this scenario make sense? I see a problem. Does this make sense to you? Maybe I didn't explain it right. It sounded better in my head.
I still believe that God is within us all... But I don't believe in a higher power... though I'm beginning to doubt myself. Err.. doubt the God in me. What a perdinkamint I'm in! :-D
Buddha and Neitzsche. I tried reading both in high school. Couldn't wrap my head around either one. Though I enjoyed the premises. I think it's time to go to the bookstore tomorrow.
Clicky on da linky --
Linky 1
Linky 2
I found this to be particularly humorous -
Linky 3
When I asked for a sign of god's existence, I got this blog instead. Somehow, I don't think this was the sign I was supposed to get.
Linky 4
Something I've been thinking about. Does God make it a point to put two people together? Then, continue to assert his will that these two people should be together, that their lives were meant to be together? This would go against all religious logic (religious logic? Isn't that an oxymoron??) I think. First, man has free will. If we have free will, god CANNOT know who should be with who and what our lives shall be like and what path we will take. So, if god knows who should be together with whom, that would lead to the notion that we don't have free will and that we have destiny. If we have destiny and fate, we wouldn't have free will and thus, god has a plan for all of us. It's a conundrum that I think most people cannot see or think about. If god has a plan for us all, and we have free will... how can this scenario make sense? I see a problem. Does this make sense to you? Maybe I didn't explain it right. It sounded better in my head.
I still believe that God is within us all... But I don't believe in a higher power... though I'm beginning to doubt myself. Err.. doubt the God in me. What a perdinkamint I'm in! :-D
Buddha and Neitzsche. I tried reading both in high school. Couldn't wrap my head around either one. Though I enjoyed the premises. I think it's time to go to the bookstore tomorrow.
Okay.. I've been thinking...
This morning, I had some sort of epiphony when I was thinking about this whole god thing. Yes, I'd like to believe in a higher power but I actually believe in ETs more because there's more proof. I'd love to give faith like that if I could, but I can't.
I realized though that the concept of God is really something inside of all of us. God is within me. I am God. I am the one who decides my fate, my destiny, my salvation. I do the things that keep me from evil. I do the things that keep me good and respectful. I follow the basic laws of man, that are based on the laws of God.
I think I was having a hellucination or something.. anyway.. something really weird just came over me to keep thinking these things.
I still don't believe in a "higher power" but I believe in myself more. I have faith in myself more. And I believe that I'm good and that whatever I want out of life is mine.
Now if I can only get the keys to those damned pearly gates.. oh St Peter! :-D
I realized though that the concept of God is really something inside of all of us. God is within me. I am God. I am the one who decides my fate, my destiny, my salvation. I do the things that keep me from evil. I do the things that keep me good and respectful. I follow the basic laws of man, that are based on the laws of God.
I think I was having a hellucination or something.. anyway.. something really weird just came over me to keep thinking these things.
I still don't believe in a "higher power" but I believe in myself more. I have faith in myself more. And I believe that I'm good and that whatever I want out of life is mine.
Now if I can only get the keys to those damned pearly gates.. oh St Peter! :-D
Commentary on Intelligent Design
Commentary: Intelligent Design
I’ve been wrestling with the idea of God and how we, as humans, as animals of this planet, living organisms and the world and universe came to be. It’s been a controversial subject for ages. Since the beginning of time and since man could actually think logically or, in this case, theologically, we have wrestled with ideas and concepts that are foreign to us. Every society since nomads, walking across the Bering Straight, have believed in some sort of higher power. But, back then; they couldn’t explain rain, thunder or why there were echoes. So, a god, or higher power, was probably fashioned to explain away these things of mystery because the science behind them was not yet known. As societies progressed, so did their gods.
If it weren’t for Constantine, a Roman Emperor in the 4th Century AD (of course.. duh?), we wouldn’t have Christianity as a viable religion today, probably… Damn those Romans!
Anyway, God was a scapegoat for all things non-explainable. As SCIENCE explained away the rain, the sun, the moon, the earth being round, our revolving around the sun (and not vice versa, which the CATHOLIC church believed and EXCOMMUNICATED GALLILEO FOR DISPROVING), God had to find other things to explain, like the universe, the creation of the stars and planets, child creation in zygotes, cellular structure (no, not your fucking cell phone moron) and the like. But, then science comes along and explains it.
I’m not a big Darwin fan. I do subscribe to the notion that the strong shall survive and the weak will perish, though. This is already proven in nature. Wild animals know the sick from the healthy and will prey on them. They prey on the slow and disabled. They’re easier targets. This reduces the poor genes in races. (Though this may sound cruel and superior, wouldn’t it be a good idea to do that in the human race as well?) This has been proven numerous times. And… it’s Darwinian.
So, as science rears its ugly head, the religious community has to rebut. OH NO they say. GOD IS ALL ENCOMPASSING. GOD IS GOOD. GOD CREATED THE EARTH AND HEAVENS. GOD CREATED THE ANIMALS AND THE HUMANS. GOD CREATED this and that and all this bullshit.
So, in order to “one-up” the science buffs, they created the philosophy of Intelligent Design. That science and theology can exist hand in hand because well… God created everything and did it scientifically. It’s basically like saying My Mom is Better than Your mom. Except they had to be Pee Wee Herman about it and say INFINITY.
So… If you can picture Pee Wee Herman saying, GOD CREATED EVERYTHING SO HA HA! God created science, so it’s okay now.
It really is the ultimate argument buster. How can you fight that argument? Now religion encompasses everything, including the science argument. It’s a no-win situation.
This is really frustrating. Besides the fact that Pat Robertson is an idiot-fuck, the idea of Intelligent Design is just an excuse to stick it in the face of science. If you can’t beat ‘em, engulf them and say it’s part of god’s grand plan.
I’ve been wrestling with the idea of God and how we, as humans, as animals of this planet, living organisms and the world and universe came to be. It’s been a controversial subject for ages. Since the beginning of time and since man could actually think logically or, in this case, theologically, we have wrestled with ideas and concepts that are foreign to us. Every society since nomads, walking across the Bering Straight, have believed in some sort of higher power. But, back then; they couldn’t explain rain, thunder or why there were echoes. So, a god, or higher power, was probably fashioned to explain away these things of mystery because the science behind them was not yet known. As societies progressed, so did their gods.
If it weren’t for Constantine, a Roman Emperor in the 4th Century AD (of course.. duh?), we wouldn’t have Christianity as a viable religion today, probably… Damn those Romans!
Anyway, God was a scapegoat for all things non-explainable. As SCIENCE explained away the rain, the sun, the moon, the earth being round, our revolving around the sun (and not vice versa, which the CATHOLIC church believed and EXCOMMUNICATED GALLILEO FOR DISPROVING), God had to find other things to explain, like the universe, the creation of the stars and planets, child creation in zygotes, cellular structure (no, not your fucking cell phone moron) and the like. But, then science comes along and explains it.
I’m not a big Darwin fan. I do subscribe to the notion that the strong shall survive and the weak will perish, though. This is already proven in nature. Wild animals know the sick from the healthy and will prey on them. They prey on the slow and disabled. They’re easier targets. This reduces the poor genes in races. (Though this may sound cruel and superior, wouldn’t it be a good idea to do that in the human race as well?) This has been proven numerous times. And… it’s Darwinian.
So, as science rears its ugly head, the religious community has to rebut. OH NO they say. GOD IS ALL ENCOMPASSING. GOD IS GOOD. GOD CREATED THE EARTH AND HEAVENS. GOD CREATED THE ANIMALS AND THE HUMANS. GOD CREATED this and that and all this bullshit.
So, in order to “one-up” the science buffs, they created the philosophy of Intelligent Design. That science and theology can exist hand in hand because well… God created everything and did it scientifically. It’s basically like saying My Mom is Better than Your mom. Except they had to be Pee Wee Herman about it and say INFINITY.
So… If you can picture Pee Wee Herman saying, GOD CREATED EVERYTHING SO HA HA! God created science, so it’s okay now.
It really is the ultimate argument buster. How can you fight that argument? Now religion encompasses everything, including the science argument. It’s a no-win situation.
This is really frustrating. Besides the fact that Pat Robertson is an idiot-fuck, the idea of Intelligent Design is just an excuse to stick it in the face of science. If you can’t beat ‘em, engulf them and say it’s part of god’s grand plan.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Don't Take EFFEXOR!!
This passed weekend has been the worst for me in weeks. I felt as though life was not worth living anymore. I don’t know why I go through these moods so consistently. Angry one moment, sad another, suicidal the next. Then I’m lonely and want her back more than anything. All over a woman who is basically a cheater and a liar? Please.
I’m beginning to think that the anti-depressant I’m on is amplifying these feelings to the point of not being able to cope properly. I’ve been doing a lot of research and the information I’ve read is terribly disturbing. All for anxiety? It’s not worth it.
Effexor is a drug that basically fucks with the chemistry in your brain. What happens is that it curbs some of it to change your mood. When you get off of it, the brain isn’t ready and it starts to do some funny shit.
Like brain zaps. It’s like everything is in slow motion and you feel like things are zapping you and you twitch and it doesn’t hurt but it is not comfortable. After about a day, if you don’t take your dose, you begin to feel this way, plus nausea, sweating, terrible dreams and other crap that just scares the shit out of me.
These are just the withdrawal symptoms. Side effects while you’re taking the drug is weight gain, memory dysfunction and the worst… sexual drive decreases.
I think the doctors really don’t know about the side effects. They’re killing me. I want off this drug now.
On another note…
Here’s a letter I wanted to send her but instead I just called and said goodbye. I wished I had sent this instead ---
P –
I can't do this anymore. I miss you so much and yet I have this overwhelming hatred for you. I've lost my trust in you. I've lost my faith in you. Yet, I can't blame you. You're kind of programmed to do what you do. Remember the analogy of the scorpion and turtle?
I love you more than you know. Regardless of how much you sometimes drive me insane to the point of needing a vacation from you, I often think that I can't survive without you.
Regardless of what others tell me, I feel this way because they don't know you the way I do. They don't know how you have a wealth of guilt or a complex obligation to fulfill. They don't believe in your love for me. I understand and I know.
However, your blatant disregard for anyone else's feelings other than your own seriously causes doubt in me of you. This last time wasn't just a’ get up and leave S****’ again. This one involved my well-being, my living conditions on top of already planning to be with J*** WHILE still being with me. Your breakdown while I was in _______ only showed me that after I didn't give you the answer you wanted you ran back to J*** because you knew he'd tell you what you wanted to hear. Rest assured that it will fail again, like it always has in the past. What makes this time any different?
This time, I won't be there for you to fall back on because this email is to say goodbye. Your actions have caused serious doubt in you. Watching you is watching a tennis match. Except this isn't a game. You're playing with my heart, the heart of J*** and the emotions of everyone around you. You tell people one thing and do another. You cater to your parents, J*** and those who have no bearing yet you don't cater to me. How can I believe you love me? How can I think you care about me when your actions say otherwise?
I need to move on now. This is the only way I know how; it's closure for me. Talking to you makes me sad. Just imagining you with J*** and you forgetting me kills me to no end. It just hurts like a motherfucker that you show no remorse. I'll never understand how you can just flip like that.
So, goodbye. And, good life. Like with ***, don't call. Don't email. I'll only delete anything that may come.
-me
I’m beginning to think that the anti-depressant I’m on is amplifying these feelings to the point of not being able to cope properly. I’ve been doing a lot of research and the information I’ve read is terribly disturbing. All for anxiety? It’s not worth it.
Effexor is a drug that basically fucks with the chemistry in your brain. What happens is that it curbs some of it to change your mood. When you get off of it, the brain isn’t ready and it starts to do some funny shit.
Like brain zaps. It’s like everything is in slow motion and you feel like things are zapping you and you twitch and it doesn’t hurt but it is not comfortable. After about a day, if you don’t take your dose, you begin to feel this way, plus nausea, sweating, terrible dreams and other crap that just scares the shit out of me.
These are just the withdrawal symptoms. Side effects while you’re taking the drug is weight gain, memory dysfunction and the worst… sexual drive decreases.
I think the doctors really don’t know about the side effects. They’re killing me. I want off this drug now.
On another note…
Here’s a letter I wanted to send her but instead I just called and said goodbye. I wished I had sent this instead ---
P –
I can't do this anymore. I miss you so much and yet I have this overwhelming hatred for you. I've lost my trust in you. I've lost my faith in you. Yet, I can't blame you. You're kind of programmed to do what you do. Remember the analogy of the scorpion and turtle?
I love you more than you know. Regardless of how much you sometimes drive me insane to the point of needing a vacation from you, I often think that I can't survive without you.
Regardless of what others tell me, I feel this way because they don't know you the way I do. They don't know how you have a wealth of guilt or a complex obligation to fulfill. They don't believe in your love for me. I understand and I know.
However, your blatant disregard for anyone else's feelings other than your own seriously causes doubt in me of you. This last time wasn't just a’ get up and leave S****’ again. This one involved my well-being, my living conditions on top of already planning to be with J*** WHILE still being with me. Your breakdown while I was in _______ only showed me that after I didn't give you the answer you wanted you ran back to J*** because you knew he'd tell you what you wanted to hear. Rest assured that it will fail again, like it always has in the past. What makes this time any different?
This time, I won't be there for you to fall back on because this email is to say goodbye. Your actions have caused serious doubt in you. Watching you is watching a tennis match. Except this isn't a game. You're playing with my heart, the heart of J*** and the emotions of everyone around you. You tell people one thing and do another. You cater to your parents, J*** and those who have no bearing yet you don't cater to me. How can I believe you love me? How can I think you care about me when your actions say otherwise?
I need to move on now. This is the only way I know how; it's closure for me. Talking to you makes me sad. Just imagining you with J*** and you forgetting me kills me to no end. It just hurts like a motherfucker that you show no remorse. I'll never understand how you can just flip like that.
So, goodbye. And, good life. Like with ***, don't call. Don't email. I'll only delete anything that may come.
-me
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Emotional breakdown
I had a breakdown this morning. One thought led to another and soon a string of thoughts became an image. That image perpetuated into a torrential downfall of feelings and emotions that I couldn’t keep in anymore.
I don’t know why I still love her so much. Nor do I know why I miss her terribly. I do know that the pain is incredibly handicapping and I’m barely able handle it. I wish there was some sort of pill or medicine for this.
Advil for a broken heart.
I wrote some haikus that were inspired by emotional breakdown. Please sit and enjoy.
---
The hole within me
No longer manageable
The pain now comforts
Tears are like rivers
Filling a sea of sadness
No dam can be built
Emotional ride
A roller coaster of fear
I want to get off
You showed me the way
The path of a better man
It was all for naught
Every day’s a waste
Without the love you gave me
Precious faith fleeting
I have loved and lost
I’d rather not love at all
For Joy is gone too
The rain of my tears
Plummet without stinting
Oceans overflow
Every passing day
The hurting will not abate
Solutions crumble
The taste of your lips
Just so Intoxicating
Drunk for many nights
Wounded and betrayed
Your obligations mock me
Forever damaged
I don’t know why I still love her so much. Nor do I know why I miss her terribly. I do know that the pain is incredibly handicapping and I’m barely able handle it. I wish there was some sort of pill or medicine for this.
Advil for a broken heart.
I wrote some haikus that were inspired by emotional breakdown. Please sit and enjoy.
---
The hole within me
No longer manageable
The pain now comforts
Tears are like rivers
Filling a sea of sadness
No dam can be built
Emotional ride
A roller coaster of fear
I want to get off
You showed me the way
The path of a better man
It was all for naught
Every day’s a waste
Without the love you gave me
Precious faith fleeting
I have loved and lost
I’d rather not love at all
For Joy is gone too
The rain of my tears
Plummet without stinting
Oceans overflow
Every passing day
The hurting will not abate
Solutions crumble
The taste of your lips
Just so Intoxicating
Drunk for many nights
Wounded and betrayed
Your obligations mock me
Forever damaged
Friday, November 11, 2005
Searching on Craigs List
Craigs List (craigslist.org) is an amazing thing. I was reading the personals in the ‘Missed Connections’ section and there were so many I Miss You posts and the like. It was so much like a blog or a book of failed relationships. I knew that there were so many like me in my area of the world. I know from reading blogs here that there are many heart-broken people or those that are about to be heart broken. But it hit closer to home for me. I perused the ads just to see if, by chance, she had written anything. No, there wasn’t but I wrote something, even though I know she’ll never read it. Just like this blog. She knows it exists but she doesn’t know the url.
On another note:
I’m frustrated because I saw her husband yesterday. We passed in a hallway at work (as he works in another section) and he actually said Hey. I was dumbstruck. I mean, why would you even say hello, much less ‘Hey’ to someone who had relations with your wife? Who actually LIVED with your wife? Who your wife actually said, “I love you” to? Strange. It must mean he thinks he won. That he has her. And that she’s his.
That’s no prize let me assure you. He can have her. Though I was able to put up with her shit, he won’t be able to. Never has been able to. That’s why she left him in the first place.
How do you forget all the things that made your life miserable in the first place? How do you forget all the hateful words that were passed?
How do you forgive someone who gives their love to someone else?
I digress.
I’m going to the Viper Room tonight. A friend’s band is playing there. It’s an 80’s band that had a few big hits, one being that “Always Something There to Remind Me” and “Promises Promises” song. Yes, Naked Eyes. My friend joined the band not too long ago but he’s doing well there. Traveling all over the place and being famous and stuff. Good for him. I’m on the VIP list, woo hoo! I hear some major celebrities are going to be in-house; they’re friends with the lead singer.
Anyway, that’s my entry and I’m sticking to it.
On another note:
I’m frustrated because I saw her husband yesterday. We passed in a hallway at work (as he works in another section) and he actually said Hey. I was dumbstruck. I mean, why would you even say hello, much less ‘Hey’ to someone who had relations with your wife? Who actually LIVED with your wife? Who your wife actually said, “I love you” to? Strange. It must mean he thinks he won. That he has her. And that she’s his.
That’s no prize let me assure you. He can have her. Though I was able to put up with her shit, he won’t be able to. Never has been able to. That’s why she left him in the first place.
How do you forget all the things that made your life miserable in the first place? How do you forget all the hateful words that were passed?
How do you forgive someone who gives their love to someone else?
I digress.
I’m going to the Viper Room tonight. A friend’s band is playing there. It’s an 80’s band that had a few big hits, one being that “Always Something There to Remind Me” and “Promises Promises” song. Yes, Naked Eyes. My friend joined the band not too long ago but he’s doing well there. Traveling all over the place and being famous and stuff. Good for him. I’m on the VIP list, woo hoo! I hear some major celebrities are going to be in-house; they’re friends with the lead singer.
Anyway, that’s my entry and I’m sticking to it.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Plans Are Always Changin'
I didn’t really get to see a therapist tonight. I guess whom I consulted with was the head psychiatrist or something. Dude, this guy was a freak! Red boots, black pinstripe suit, red shirt, fedora, long blond hair. This guy should be seeing a shrink, not being one. Anyway, it wasn’t a full-blown session. I made an appointment for next week. I guess I can wait another week to see a therapist. After all, I’ve already waited two.
So, he is going to get me off of Effexor and will start me on another med. [An unenthusiastic] Yay!
Music: The Cure: Pornography
Mood: Spent and Exhausted
Haiku:
Therapy Beckons
Not really for depression
Ink blots masquerade
So, he is going to get me off of Effexor and will start me on another med. [An unenthusiastic] Yay!
Music: The Cure: Pornography
Mood: Spent and Exhausted
Haiku:
Therapy Beckons
Not really for depression
Ink blots masquerade
Meds and the State of Mind
I get to see the therapist tonight. Reason? I take anti-depressants. Not for being depressed, but because of my anxiety. If you’ve ever taken Effexor, or have been on it for a long time, you know that it can have lasting side effects. And, if you don’t take it for a day or two, withdrawals will set in. It’s really bad. My doctor prescribed them to me months ago and I want to get off of them. I believe them to be the cause to my higher anger rate and aggressiveness. I’d like to get on something else; something that will curb my anxiety and my anger. Effexor doesn’t work and I think it’s causing my abnormal anger.
Of course, I’ve always been an angry person but I’ve never been this angry. I’ve always been someone that has fed off of my moodiness and lack of happiness. My creativity is based upon it. I may even be clinically depressed, I don’t know, but I like it because that’s how I function. However, the meds I take don’t help because they neither make me happier nor keep me at my desired level of moodiness. They make me angrier, more moody and less capable of dealing with stupid shit like this breakup. They’re actually anti-anti-depressants, if you will. How fucked up is that?
I’ve done research on Effexor and this stuff is crazy. When you don’t take a dose for an extended period of time, it causes your body to go into withdrawal. Some people have described the feeling to be similar to one shaking their head violently left and right or spinning in a circle. Me? I think it feels like the onset of the flu without actually having a headache or other feelings associated with it. Vertigo sets in, I begin to shake and sweat and though it doesn’t hurt, it feels like it’s about to. After a while it begins to drive you crazy, to the point where, if you don’t take the meds, you’ll end up either hurting yourself or someone around you. I can truly say I feel sorry for those that go through whatever drug withdrawals they happen to be experiencing because it does suck. Really, it does.
Now, there’s a second reason I want to see the therapist. I need to talk to someone who has expertise in the matters of going insane over stupid things… like love and being lonely. I want to talk about my stress of having to make some stupid ass bitch happy. I want to talk about my frustrations on her actions and why, though I know it’s not me or my actions, I feel inferior and sub-par.
On my mood chart, I rate it from negative numbers to 0. 0 is a great day. Anything less than that is in the negative. My days are usually in the negative, but they never get better than 0. I think I have a ceiling at 0; I can’t get any higher than that. Maybe if I see the therapist and finally find what’s illin’ me, I can break through that 0 barrier and have a “1” day. That would be most nice.
Some friends say I should just lower my expectations and thus, my chart will become lower. I’m NOT going to resign to mediocrity!
Of course, I’ve always been an angry person but I’ve never been this angry. I’ve always been someone that has fed off of my moodiness and lack of happiness. My creativity is based upon it. I may even be clinically depressed, I don’t know, but I like it because that’s how I function. However, the meds I take don’t help because they neither make me happier nor keep me at my desired level of moodiness. They make me angrier, more moody and less capable of dealing with stupid shit like this breakup. They’re actually anti-anti-depressants, if you will. How fucked up is that?
I’ve done research on Effexor and this stuff is crazy. When you don’t take a dose for an extended period of time, it causes your body to go into withdrawal. Some people have described the feeling to be similar to one shaking their head violently left and right or spinning in a circle. Me? I think it feels like the onset of the flu without actually having a headache or other feelings associated with it. Vertigo sets in, I begin to shake and sweat and though it doesn’t hurt, it feels like it’s about to. After a while it begins to drive you crazy, to the point where, if you don’t take the meds, you’ll end up either hurting yourself or someone around you. I can truly say I feel sorry for those that go through whatever drug withdrawals they happen to be experiencing because it does suck. Really, it does.
Now, there’s a second reason I want to see the therapist. I need to talk to someone who has expertise in the matters of going insane over stupid things… like love and being lonely. I want to talk about my stress of having to make some stupid ass bitch happy. I want to talk about my frustrations on her actions and why, though I know it’s not me or my actions, I feel inferior and sub-par.
On my mood chart, I rate it from negative numbers to 0. 0 is a great day. Anything less than that is in the negative. My days are usually in the negative, but they never get better than 0. I think I have a ceiling at 0; I can’t get any higher than that. Maybe if I see the therapist and finally find what’s illin’ me, I can break through that 0 barrier and have a “1” day. That would be most nice.
Some friends say I should just lower my expectations and thus, my chart will become lower. I’m NOT going to resign to mediocrity!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
GOD DAMN IT!
GOD DAMN IT!
I hate feeling this fucking way!
I’m so angry inside. I HATE IT.
When will it fucking end?!
I see a therapist tomorrow. It’s about fucking time. I’ve been waiting almost two weeks for this appointment. I made it for something else but since then, I’ve found another reason. How quaint.
That is all.
I hate feeling this fucking way!
I’m so angry inside. I HATE IT.
When will it fucking end?!
I see a therapist tomorrow. It’s about fucking time. I’ve been waiting almost two weeks for this appointment. I made it for something else but since then, I’ve found another reason. How quaint.
That is all.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Religion Schmaligion
One of the issues we had when we were together was religion. She knew I was an atheist. Now, the term ‘atheist’ seems to have a stigma attached to it. One often thinks of devil worshippers, serial killers and child molesters when the term ‘atheist’ is used. At least, I think of these descriptions when I hear it. Sometimes.
The concept of God is kind of weird to me. Where someone may question how a god COULDN’T exist, I question how one CAN exist. Besides the obvious reasons such as famine, needless death, abuse and the like there are other reasons that just astound me. Wars that are religiously inspired particularly irk me. How about multiple sects of the same religion? Who’s right? Who’s wrong? And then there’s multiple religions on top of that. Besides the top faiths – Christianity, Islam and Judaism, which I believe all stem from the same source, there are Hinduism, Buddhism, and many others I’m not familiar with. Then there’s the sects and branches from all of these. Catholicism, Kabala, blah blah..
I don’t care, really. I liken the belief in god to the belief in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. Except, the concept of god is more complex. It’s used to explain everything from the creation of mankind to the universe. It’s used to explain the concepts we can’t explain. But what about the creation of the earth? I certainly don’t think it’s 5000 years old. That’s what the Old Testament says. 5000 years? We have fossils that are older than that.
Why can’t people just believe that everything is from chance? We’re here because by chance, something occurred in the primordial ooze that caused the first single-celled organisms to exist and go from there. I’d even belief that aliens from another planet helped spur on mankind by giving us a kick in the zygote. This is much more believable to me than a god.
My faith is in something that can’t be explained as much as a god-believer’s faith is in something that can’t be explained. People tell me that there’s no harm in believing in God… what if you’re wrong? If I am, then I go to hell. But, what if I’m right? Nothing happens and we become dirt. But, during life, there are so many restrictions based on the faith in a god that I’m not willing to follow. And the hypocrisy within those people that say they’re God-fearing and following. Just like the ex. It was a crutch and an excuse to leave me. It’s not like her husband was a follower. Well, he is but on a different level. But he isn’t a god-follower.
Does this all make sense? I don’t know. It gets me going so much that I can’t think straight.
All I know, or believe, is that Santa Claus has much credence as God. And, if you see the Easter Bunny hopping about, I want my coloured eggs. Better yet – Easter Bunny stew.
The concept of God is kind of weird to me. Where someone may question how a god COULDN’T exist, I question how one CAN exist. Besides the obvious reasons such as famine, needless death, abuse and the like there are other reasons that just astound me. Wars that are religiously inspired particularly irk me. How about multiple sects of the same religion? Who’s right? Who’s wrong? And then there’s multiple religions on top of that. Besides the top faiths – Christianity, Islam and Judaism, which I believe all stem from the same source, there are Hinduism, Buddhism, and many others I’m not familiar with. Then there’s the sects and branches from all of these. Catholicism, Kabala, blah blah..
I don’t care, really. I liken the belief in god to the belief in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. Except, the concept of god is more complex. It’s used to explain everything from the creation of mankind to the universe. It’s used to explain the concepts we can’t explain. But what about the creation of the earth? I certainly don’t think it’s 5000 years old. That’s what the Old Testament says. 5000 years? We have fossils that are older than that.
Why can’t people just believe that everything is from chance? We’re here because by chance, something occurred in the primordial ooze that caused the first single-celled organisms to exist and go from there. I’d even belief that aliens from another planet helped spur on mankind by giving us a kick in the zygote. This is much more believable to me than a god.
My faith is in something that can’t be explained as much as a god-believer’s faith is in something that can’t be explained. People tell me that there’s no harm in believing in God… what if you’re wrong? If I am, then I go to hell. But, what if I’m right? Nothing happens and we become dirt. But, during life, there are so many restrictions based on the faith in a god that I’m not willing to follow. And the hypocrisy within those people that say they’re God-fearing and following. Just like the ex. It was a crutch and an excuse to leave me. It’s not like her husband was a follower. Well, he is but on a different level. But he isn’t a god-follower.
Does this all make sense? I don’t know. It gets me going so much that I can’t think straight.
All I know, or believe, is that Santa Claus has much credence as God. And, if you see the Easter Bunny hopping about, I want my coloured eggs. Better yet – Easter Bunny stew.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Let's move to Michigan.. NOT!
A friend of mine just moved to Michigan to chase a job selling tile. Tile. Tile! Who up and moves to Michigan, first of all and who goes to sell tile?
It makes me seriously think about whether or not I have or want a life here in the sunny state of So. California. With people moving out in droves, populating the rest of the country (sorry about that Arizona, Nevada, Tennessee, etc), I’m beginning to believe that that’s the way of the future. Nothing is ever going to get cheaper here because for every person that leaves this wastebasket of a state, 3 or 4 people are moving in.
Not too long ago, the ex and I went to Arizona to visit a friend of hers. She and her husband had a HUGE house, not too far from Scottsdale. We started looking for new jobs and had dreams of moving there. But, it became clear that it was not feasible at the time because our debt to income ratio was too high. Or, at least I thought it was. It’d be pretty irrational to move somewhere and not be able to get what we want.
I still want to move to Az, or even Nevada or New Mexico but what are the job markets like? I have a friend in San Antonio, Texas. Her and her husband actually live in the burbs. It’s actually quite nice there.
I’m torn because I actually like it here, but unless I win the lottery or get hit by a City vehicle (and I have to survive that, of course) I’m not going to have enough money to live my California dream. And I do have dreams, regardless of what others may think.
My friend, who has moved to Michigan to follow his somewhat diluted dream, is also dragging his wife with him. Not only did he get married before me (this guy was known as ‘The Stalker’ at Disneyland when we worked there because he would stalk the girls he liked… it was completely overblown and taken out of context… just ignore the restraining order) he is moving out before me. I find this rather depressing because I want a piece of that lifestyle, too.
Not that I want to move to Michigan. The winters there suck frozen balls!
It makes me seriously think about whether or not I have or want a life here in the sunny state of So. California. With people moving out in droves, populating the rest of the country (sorry about that Arizona, Nevada, Tennessee, etc), I’m beginning to believe that that’s the way of the future. Nothing is ever going to get cheaper here because for every person that leaves this wastebasket of a state, 3 or 4 people are moving in.
Not too long ago, the ex and I went to Arizona to visit a friend of hers. She and her husband had a HUGE house, not too far from Scottsdale. We started looking for new jobs and had dreams of moving there. But, it became clear that it was not feasible at the time because our debt to income ratio was too high. Or, at least I thought it was. It’d be pretty irrational to move somewhere and not be able to get what we want.
I still want to move to Az, or even Nevada or New Mexico but what are the job markets like? I have a friend in San Antonio, Texas. Her and her husband actually live in the burbs. It’s actually quite nice there.
I’m torn because I actually like it here, but unless I win the lottery or get hit by a City vehicle (and I have to survive that, of course) I’m not going to have enough money to live my California dream. And I do have dreams, regardless of what others may think.
My friend, who has moved to Michigan to follow his somewhat diluted dream, is also dragging his wife with him. Not only did he get married before me (this guy was known as ‘The Stalker’ at Disneyland when we worked there because he would stalk the girls he liked… it was completely overblown and taken out of context… just ignore the restraining order) he is moving out before me. I find this rather depressing because I want a piece of that lifestyle, too.
Not that I want to move to Michigan. The winters there suck frozen balls!
So I went to Disneyland..
So I went to Disneyland Friday night after work. I just wasn’t feeling the gym. I hadn’t been to the new park in awhile so I went there first (California Adventure). It’s pretty damned dark in that place after sunset. It was kinda cool. The only thing that sucked was that it was crowded. That surprised me – it’s never usually crowded. I wandered the park for a while just watching people and looking at the rides. I remembered that someone recently died on the roller coaster. Heart problems I think. Sucks for that person.
Afterwards, I went over to Disneyland park and wander some more. I looked for people I used to work with but… they all have high seniority now and probably don’t work nights. It’s only been 8 years since I’ve worked there. And I know they’re still there.. because they’re all losers like that.
I needed to be alone (yeah, in place with 30k people). I ended up at my usual Disney hangout – a bar in the Grand Californian hotel. This hotel fucking rocks by the way. Very.. Californian.
Saturday, I went to the gym and then went to a small car club meet. I used to be heavily involved with my car club (Mustang) until my relationship. Now that that’s over, I think I’ll become more involved again.
I was just thinking about it – Christmas is coming up. I hate Christmas. Having to buy stuff for people I really don’t want to buy things for… being cheery and having to put up with crappy lights, television ads and people who are usually humdrum that are all nice and stuff. Yay. Plus the fact that I’ll be alone this year really bodes well. Last year, I went to Vegas for Christmas. With the ex. And some friends. Really cool.
This year, I’ll be eating Top Ramen and watching Merry Christmas Charlie Brown. … that’s not so bad. I actually like Merry Christmas Charlie Brown.
Mood: Somber (tired.. good morning)
Music: None
Haiku:
What is a haiku?
It’s a Japanese poem
Very Simplistic
Afterwards, I went over to Disneyland park and wander some more. I looked for people I used to work with but… they all have high seniority now and probably don’t work nights. It’s only been 8 years since I’ve worked there. And I know they’re still there.. because they’re all losers like that.
I needed to be alone (yeah, in place with 30k people). I ended up at my usual Disney hangout – a bar in the Grand Californian hotel. This hotel fucking rocks by the way. Very.. Californian.
Saturday, I went to the gym and then went to a small car club meet. I used to be heavily involved with my car club (Mustang) until my relationship. Now that that’s over, I think I’ll become more involved again.
I was just thinking about it – Christmas is coming up. I hate Christmas. Having to buy stuff for people I really don’t want to buy things for… being cheery and having to put up with crappy lights, television ads and people who are usually humdrum that are all nice and stuff. Yay. Plus the fact that I’ll be alone this year really bodes well. Last year, I went to Vegas for Christmas. With the ex. And some friends. Really cool.
This year, I’ll be eating Top Ramen and watching Merry Christmas Charlie Brown. … that’s not so bad. I actually like Merry Christmas Charlie Brown.
Mood: Somber (tired.. good morning)
Music: None
Haiku:
What is a haiku?
It’s a Japanese poem
Very Simplistic
Friday, November 04, 2005
I miss her.
I miss her. Thinking about it really depresses me. Listening to Death Cab doesn’t really help. It reminds me of the show last year. Where we flirted in front of her husband and he was clueless. Where Death Cab had a great show that I didn’t particularly remember much of because I was so drunk. My favorite song of theirs at the moment is Soul Meets Body.
I love her. No matter how much I abhor her actions, no matter what I think of her and her character, no matter what others or I say…. I still love her. Yet, no matter what I would have done to show her that, she would have left anyway. I could have given her dozens of children, hundreds of houses and given her every piece of Tiffany jewelry on earth and I think she would have still left.
The last thing she said to me before we hung up the phone was, “I hope you figure out what you want in life.” I just said that I already did.
And I do.
I want to be happy, with a family who respects me and reveres me, a career that fulfills me and a lifestyle that’s not too extravagant or humble. I think I want a daughter. I’d like that. I’d give her my mother’s name.
I think she’d like that.
I love her. No matter how much I abhor her actions, no matter what I think of her and her character, no matter what others or I say…. I still love her. Yet, no matter what I would have done to show her that, she would have left anyway. I could have given her dozens of children, hundreds of houses and given her every piece of Tiffany jewelry on earth and I think she would have still left.
The last thing she said to me before we hung up the phone was, “I hope you figure out what you want in life.” I just said that I already did.
And I do.
I want to be happy, with a family who respects me and reveres me, a career that fulfills me and a lifestyle that’s not too extravagant or humble. I think I want a daughter. I’d like that. I’d give her my mother’s name.
I think she’d like that.
More Drivel...
A friend of mine and I were discussing the ex and how I will ultimately get mine. After a lot of analyzing and much debate, we’ve decided that she will end up with no one. Why? Because her lifestyle is too extravagant. She wants now what she can’t wait for. She has to go out and do things. She buys things. He can’t sustain that lifestyle for her.
As for him, well… Men are a funny species. When we’re in that Fight-or-Flight mode, we do some pretty strange things. When faced with the possibility of losing, we do things that don’t make sense. Like seriously questioning our own beliefs. Or, contradicting ourselves. Or consider doing things that we’d never do when sane. It’s true. I do it. I considered doing a lot of things when I lost her the many times before. Prayer, church, children, marriage. Yeah, things that I have major reservations about. So, when the ball is in his court, he’s doing things that he’d probably never have done if she never left him, like go to church or… agree to have children or… be respectful or… have sex… or, be straight for that matter.
When faced with loss, men do desperate things. We tell ourselves we’ll change for that person to get them back. We’ll do whatever it takes to show them that we still care and we’ll adapt to THEIR needs. But, once the chase is over, the desperation ends and reversion begins. It may be insecurity or maybe it’s the fear that we don’t want to be alone. Yeah, maybe in my 20’s I wouldn’t have cared. But, I’m in my 30’s now. Time is getting shorter when it comes to finding a mate and starting a family.
The point is, he’ll revert. He’ll change and everything will be the same as it was before. In his desperate attempt to get her back, he’s compromised his core beliefs.
All I can say is… I can’t wait until that fireworks show starts. Popcorn in hand, hardhat in place, I hope to be right there watching the bombs burst with glee.
Mood: Angry (as always)
Music: None – haven’t started Winamp yet. But, I can guess it will be Depeche Mode
Haiku:
Hours turn to days
Days to weeks to months to years
Decades inviting
As for him, well… Men are a funny species. When we’re in that Fight-or-Flight mode, we do some pretty strange things. When faced with the possibility of losing, we do things that don’t make sense. Like seriously questioning our own beliefs. Or, contradicting ourselves. Or consider doing things that we’d never do when sane. It’s true. I do it. I considered doing a lot of things when I lost her the many times before. Prayer, church, children, marriage. Yeah, things that I have major reservations about. So, when the ball is in his court, he’s doing things that he’d probably never have done if she never left him, like go to church or… agree to have children or… be respectful or… have sex… or, be straight for that matter.
When faced with loss, men do desperate things. We tell ourselves we’ll change for that person to get them back. We’ll do whatever it takes to show them that we still care and we’ll adapt to THEIR needs. But, once the chase is over, the desperation ends and reversion begins. It may be insecurity or maybe it’s the fear that we don’t want to be alone. Yeah, maybe in my 20’s I wouldn’t have cared. But, I’m in my 30’s now. Time is getting shorter when it comes to finding a mate and starting a family.
The point is, he’ll revert. He’ll change and everything will be the same as it was before. In his desperate attempt to get her back, he’s compromised his core beliefs.
All I can say is… I can’t wait until that fireworks show starts. Popcorn in hand, hardhat in place, I hope to be right there watching the bombs burst with glee.
Mood: Angry (as always)
Music: None – haven’t started Winamp yet. But, I can guess it will be Depeche Mode
Haiku:
Hours turn to days
Days to weeks to months to years
Decades inviting
Thursday, November 03, 2005
I saw Jarhead last night
So, last night I went to see Jarhead, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Jamie Foxx and Peter Sarsgaard. Mental note: did the casting manager purposely cast the movie with people that had two of the same fucking letter in their last name? Jeezus.
Anyway, I drove all the way out to Westwood to find that there was a stupid ass protest going on down Wilshire Blvd. This just happens to be where the exit is off of the freeway. Couldn’t get off there so I had to go down one more exit. A mile down. Then, I double-backed. It only took me 30 minutes to go a mile back to the Wilshire (at a time when I didn’t know it was closed off due to these fucktards). It takes me another 20 minutes to get to the movie theatre, when it should have taken 5 minutes from the time I got off the freeway. At the movie theatre, I’m asked if I have a cell-phone with a camera. The reason for this is they don’t want people taking photos of the movie before release. Normally, the security will take your phone and keep it until the movie is over and hand it back. Not this place, noooo. They told me I had to take the phone back to my car. So back to the carpark I went. What motherfuckers. So, I put my phone away and come back. Another 20 minutes go by before the movie begins. Now, the only good thing about press screenings is that they don’t play those stupid trailers before the movie and the movie itself is free. The only thing that I would have to pay for is popcorn and a beverage. I’ll wait until I get home to have a diet-Coke, thanks. One positive note: while waiting in line, I did meet this really hot chick whom I had sarcastic, flirtatious banter with. I should have whipped out the business card and asked her to join me for coffee. What an ass I am. Again, I’ll just blame the XGF for that… keeping me in a mental block. Oh, and another thing. Leonard Malten was at this screening... ANOTHER screening he and I have attended at the same time. I'm moving up.
Jarhead is about Anthony Swofford (GYLLENHAAL), a new Marine recruit who is sent to Iraq during the first Gulf war. I guess this is based on reality, as this movie is based upon a book written by one Anthony Swofford. There, he is trained as a Scout/Sniper and meets up with Troy (SARSGAARD) and they become scout/sniper partners and friends. Their troop leader is Master Sergeant Siek (FOXX), a mother-fucker of a ball breaker. Jarhead shows the life of these Marines, through training to the actual deployment. Once in Iraq, they find that war is not what they expected; it’s more of waiting and training than it is actually fighting. Casualties happen not from the enemy but from friendly fire. This movie was intense, when not in a lull during the slow parts. Though I thought the acting by Gyllenhaal, Foxx and Sarsgaard were exceptionally well, (there’s this scene where Swofford just loses it and goes absolutely mental for five minutes. Absolutely brilliant) the movie itself left a lot of questions lingering. It felt like director Sam Mendez had to tie up a lot of loose ends quickly in the last 10 minutes of the film and it kind of damaged the story. Jarhead doesn’t portray the Marines in either a bad or good light... just a realistic, not-so-glamorous one. Go see it, even if the ending leaves you like Chinese food - wondering what happened and needing more.
On other notes… I was wondering this…
For Valentine’s Day and her birthday, I gave her pieces from a Tiffany & Co. collection (the collection escapes my mind at the moment). Anyway, I bought her a ring and then later a matching necklace. Not too long after Valentine’s we went through a break-up episode where I ended up taking the ring back. I later gave it back to her when she came back. Later in the year, I gave her a matching necklace. I still remember buying it. As I was walking out of the mall, some hot chick turned and was impressed that I had a blue bag in my hand (if you are unfamiliar with Tiffany, their bags and gift boxes are a particular shade of blue).
I bought Tiffany jewelry because I knew it was her favorite. She would often email links to me with stuff she really liked. Some were way too expensive but others were within reason and I had plans of someday purchasing some of the better pieces for her.
Now, I wonder if I should email her and tell her to mail back the pieces I gave her. They were given in expectations that we would be together for a long time. Besides, I don’t think her husband would really like to see her wearing pieces I gave her. So, what’s the point of her keeping them?
I should, shouldn’t I?
MOOD: Indifferent
MUSIC: Death Cab For Cutie Album: Transatlanticism
HAIKU:
Time it does heal
Like a slow drip of morphine
Scars last forever
Anyway, I drove all the way out to Westwood to find that there was a stupid ass protest going on down Wilshire Blvd. This just happens to be where the exit is off of the freeway. Couldn’t get off there so I had to go down one more exit. A mile down. Then, I double-backed. It only took me 30 minutes to go a mile back to the Wilshire (at a time when I didn’t know it was closed off due to these fucktards). It takes me another 20 minutes to get to the movie theatre, when it should have taken 5 minutes from the time I got off the freeway. At the movie theatre, I’m asked if I have a cell-phone with a camera. The reason for this is they don’t want people taking photos of the movie before release. Normally, the security will take your phone and keep it until the movie is over and hand it back. Not this place, noooo. They told me I had to take the phone back to my car. So back to the carpark I went. What motherfuckers. So, I put my phone away and come back. Another 20 minutes go by before the movie begins. Now, the only good thing about press screenings is that they don’t play those stupid trailers before the movie and the movie itself is free. The only thing that I would have to pay for is popcorn and a beverage. I’ll wait until I get home to have a diet-Coke, thanks. One positive note: while waiting in line, I did meet this really hot chick whom I had sarcastic, flirtatious banter with. I should have whipped out the business card and asked her to join me for coffee. What an ass I am. Again, I’ll just blame the XGF for that… keeping me in a mental block. Oh, and another thing. Leonard Malten was at this screening... ANOTHER screening he and I have attended at the same time. I'm moving up.
Jarhead is about Anthony Swofford (GYLLENHAAL), a new Marine recruit who is sent to Iraq during the first Gulf war. I guess this is based on reality, as this movie is based upon a book written by one Anthony Swofford. There, he is trained as a Scout/Sniper and meets up with Troy (SARSGAARD) and they become scout/sniper partners and friends. Their troop leader is Master Sergeant Siek (FOXX), a mother-fucker of a ball breaker. Jarhead shows the life of these Marines, through training to the actual deployment. Once in Iraq, they find that war is not what they expected; it’s more of waiting and training than it is actually fighting. Casualties happen not from the enemy but from friendly fire. This movie was intense, when not in a lull during the slow parts. Though I thought the acting by Gyllenhaal, Foxx and Sarsgaard were exceptionally well, (there’s this scene where Swofford just loses it and goes absolutely mental for five minutes. Absolutely brilliant) the movie itself left a lot of questions lingering. It felt like director Sam Mendez had to tie up a lot of loose ends quickly in the last 10 minutes of the film and it kind of damaged the story. Jarhead doesn’t portray the Marines in either a bad or good light... just a realistic, not-so-glamorous one. Go see it, even if the ending leaves you like Chinese food - wondering what happened and needing more.
On other notes… I was wondering this…
For Valentine’s Day and her birthday, I gave her pieces from a Tiffany & Co. collection (the collection escapes my mind at the moment). Anyway, I bought her a ring and then later a matching necklace. Not too long after Valentine’s we went through a break-up episode where I ended up taking the ring back. I later gave it back to her when she came back. Later in the year, I gave her a matching necklace. I still remember buying it. As I was walking out of the mall, some hot chick turned and was impressed that I had a blue bag in my hand (if you are unfamiliar with Tiffany, their bags and gift boxes are a particular shade of blue).
I bought Tiffany jewelry because I knew it was her favorite. She would often email links to me with stuff she really liked. Some were way too expensive but others were within reason and I had plans of someday purchasing some of the better pieces for her.
Now, I wonder if I should email her and tell her to mail back the pieces I gave her. They were given in expectations that we would be together for a long time. Besides, I don’t think her husband would really like to see her wearing pieces I gave her. So, what’s the point of her keeping them?
I should, shouldn’t I?
MOOD: Indifferent
MUSIC: Death Cab For Cutie Album: Transatlanticism
HAIKU:
Time it does heal
Like a slow drip of morphine
Scars last forever
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Addicted to Blogs.. and other Notes
I’ve found myself becoming almost addicted to the blogging thing. Before “blogging” became what it is now, I was doing it on my AOL webspace. It wasn’t blogging then, it was known as a personal journal. For me, they were rants about things in my life that I found most absurd or disturbing. I got the idea from some professor at a local college who put a website up for his continuing stories and daily observations. It ran in the local paper. I was intrigued. When blogs became popular, I thought to myself, Why the fuck didn’t I think of that??
Anyway, due to my recent break up, I’ve been combing the web for support info and how to cope. It’s not like they’re new to me… from the previous times I’ve looked them up, the webmasters should know me by name now… or at least IP address. I found this blog that I just found to be brilliant.
A Year In Pictures Following The Break-Up
I just found the photographs to be a great addition to his story. I was moved. It kind of made me feel small for being so bitter. Though our stories don’t even come close to being similar, it still makes me feel as though I’m petty and ridiculous. Oh well, it’s my MO and I’m sticking to it.
On other notes…
I put the picture of my kittens on my desktop screen because I adore them. Yet, I haven’t seen them in over two weeks. They’re with the XGF now, so I don’t think I’ll ever see them again. I couldn’t take either where I went (three dogs and an allergic woman? Nope..). I should take the picture off because I sometimes start tearing up after looking at them for more than a minute.
Let me reiterate… I am a girly sensitive man. Nothing wrong with it. I’m comfortable with myself. :-p
Again, Bella and Sabastian. Their original names were Lilly and Bear. We adopted them from the neighborhood Petco and renamed them. I think the X renamed them because Bear was her shortened nickname for her husband and I’m sure it was uncomfortable for her. I’m only speculating. I think the names were in reference to the band, but I never knew her to be a fan. Odd.
So, to keep my occupied and to think about the future, I’ve been researching schools to attend to finish my education. I’m very interested in Communications but I don’t have the time to actually go to school. Actually, I don’t have the interest in actually mingling with people who are ten years my junior. The last time I explored a classroom setting, I couldn’t stand it because, no offense, but I’m just not in the same place mentally or educationally as these people. It was almost like pulling hairs out by the handful at times.
Ridiculous.
So, I’ve decided I want to earn my Bachelor’s completely online. I’ve found two schools that offer Communications online that aren’t 1) Phoenix University and 2) unaccredited.
One is NYU. They have a Digital Media type communications program, which I would be into. They are well known and having a degree from NYU would simply kick ass. However, they’re terribly expensive.
Two is Ellis College of NYIT, another New York school. They’ve got kickin’ credentials too and they’re a lot less than NYU. I’d take a government loan of course, just like I did last time when I went to graphic design school (which did almost nothing for my career).
Either way, I couldn’t start until after the first of the year because I seemed to have lost my income tax statements and I don’t want to go through the hassles of getting new ones.
We’ll see... I may just go pick a Lotto ticket and win the millions. Then I’ll be able to go to any school.
Well, onward I go. It’s off to go see Jarhead tonight. Ah, the perks of writing for a fledgling movie zine.
Anyway, due to my recent break up, I’ve been combing the web for support info and how to cope. It’s not like they’re new to me… from the previous times I’ve looked them up, the webmasters should know me by name now… or at least IP address. I found this blog that I just found to be brilliant.
A Year In Pictures Following The Break-Up
I just found the photographs to be a great addition to his story. I was moved. It kind of made me feel small for being so bitter. Though our stories don’t even come close to being similar, it still makes me feel as though I’m petty and ridiculous. Oh well, it’s my MO and I’m sticking to it.
On other notes…
I put the picture of my kittens on my desktop screen because I adore them. Yet, I haven’t seen them in over two weeks. They’re with the XGF now, so I don’t think I’ll ever see them again. I couldn’t take either where I went (three dogs and an allergic woman? Nope..). I should take the picture off because I sometimes start tearing up after looking at them for more than a minute.
Let me reiterate… I am a girly sensitive man. Nothing wrong with it. I’m comfortable with myself. :-p
Again, Bella and Sabastian. Their original names were Lilly and Bear. We adopted them from the neighborhood Petco and renamed them. I think the X renamed them because Bear was her shortened nickname for her husband and I’m sure it was uncomfortable for her. I’m only speculating. I think the names were in reference to the band, but I never knew her to be a fan. Odd.
So, to keep my occupied and to think about the future, I’ve been researching schools to attend to finish my education. I’m very interested in Communications but I don’t have the time to actually go to school. Actually, I don’t have the interest in actually mingling with people who are ten years my junior. The last time I explored a classroom setting, I couldn’t stand it because, no offense, but I’m just not in the same place mentally or educationally as these people. It was almost like pulling hairs out by the handful at times.
Ridiculous.
So, I’ve decided I want to earn my Bachelor’s completely online. I’ve found two schools that offer Communications online that aren’t 1) Phoenix University and 2) unaccredited.
One is NYU. They have a Digital Media type communications program, which I would be into. They are well known and having a degree from NYU would simply kick ass. However, they’re terribly expensive.
Two is Ellis College of NYIT, another New York school. They’ve got kickin’ credentials too and they’re a lot less than NYU. I’d take a government loan of course, just like I did last time when I went to graphic design school (which did almost nothing for my career).
Either way, I couldn’t start until after the first of the year because I seemed to have lost my income tax statements and I don’t want to go through the hassles of getting new ones.
We’ll see... I may just go pick a Lotto ticket and win the millions. Then I’ll be able to go to any school.
Well, onward I go. It’s off to go see Jarhead tonight. Ah, the perks of writing for a fledgling movie zine.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Post Work workout
After work today, I went to the gym to work off some of this annoying anger I seem to have built up. Thirty minutes was spent on the stationary bike and another 30 on the elliptical. An hour of cardio, which I never used to do but it barely keeps me calm. All the while I’m watching the WSOP tourney on the tv. At least I had something to keep my mind occupied while I worked out. Otherwise, my mantra is one of two things – I Can, I Will, I Do or I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER. Either one keeps me going. One does have a better effect of getting me going. I bet you can guess which one.
One of the reasons I go to the gym, besides working the frustration out is I don’t want to come back to my living quarters. Question – if you could live rent-free in a room bigger than most studio apartments, but have to put up with a friend and his gf/wife and two kids (plus one on the way), would you? Oh, let’s add in the kicker of the lovely couple always fighting, the friend is a little excessive in his punishment techniques and has a fuse so short that if you were to light it, say goodbye to your hand.
Yeah, I wouldn’t live in that situation, either. But, I don’t have the choice at the moment. Though it’s nice of him to offer such amenities for free, I would rather walk 30 miles one way to work each morning barefoot with needles in my soles than have to willingly stay here any longer. Again, it makes me angry because this is the fault of my ex. Well, 70/30 her fault. My dumb ass should have prepared for something like this by saving money like a motherfucker.
So I get home and I’m coming down from my adrenaline/dopamine rush and I have to come home to the couple fighting like cocks in heated battle. Yay. It’s not the first time I’ve been privy to this activity. I’ve seen/heard a lot worse.
So, I’m lying on my bed coming down and I’m on the verge of tears because the hatred for her is so great. This is compounded by the yelling and screaming of my friend and his gf.
I’ve had enough. I’m looking for a second job and a way to get rid of some of my extraneous expenses. Then, I’m going to start school. I need to get out of my current job and I can’t do it without a degree. I’ve got the experience but it seems that in the game of Life/Paper/Experience Paper always wins out.
One of the reasons I go to the gym, besides working the frustration out is I don’t want to come back to my living quarters. Question – if you could live rent-free in a room bigger than most studio apartments, but have to put up with a friend and his gf/wife and two kids (plus one on the way), would you? Oh, let’s add in the kicker of the lovely couple always fighting, the friend is a little excessive in his punishment techniques and has a fuse so short that if you were to light it, say goodbye to your hand.
Yeah, I wouldn’t live in that situation, either. But, I don’t have the choice at the moment. Though it’s nice of him to offer such amenities for free, I would rather walk 30 miles one way to work each morning barefoot with needles in my soles than have to willingly stay here any longer. Again, it makes me angry because this is the fault of my ex. Well, 70/30 her fault. My dumb ass should have prepared for something like this by saving money like a motherfucker.
So I get home and I’m coming down from my adrenaline/dopamine rush and I have to come home to the couple fighting like cocks in heated battle. Yay. It’s not the first time I’ve been privy to this activity. I’ve seen/heard a lot worse.
So, I’m lying on my bed coming down and I’m on the verge of tears because the hatred for her is so great. This is compounded by the yelling and screaming of my friend and his gf.
I’ve had enough. I’m looking for a second job and a way to get rid of some of my extraneous expenses. Then, I’m going to start school. I need to get out of my current job and I can’t do it without a degree. I’ve got the experience but it seems that in the game of Life/Paper/Experience Paper always wins out.
Just for giggles...
Your #1 Match: ISFP |
The Artist You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now). You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children. Simply put, you enjoy bueaty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life. Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs. You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer. |
Your #2 Match: INFP |
The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. |
Your #3 Match: ISTP |
The Mechanic You are calm and collected, even in the most difficult of situations. A person of action and self-direction, you love being independent. To outsiders yous eem impulsive, surprising, and unpredictable. You are good at understanding how all things work, except for people. You would make an excellent pilot, forensic pathologist, or athlete. |
Reasons her Relationship is doomed.
Reasons why I think her relationship will fail… again.
- When we said goodbye, she said she wouldn’t regret our relationship together. This, I find, is a red flag. If she doesn’t regret our time together, that is in a sense a violation of him and their relationship. I now regret our time together.
- While we were moving out, I tried to remain platonic. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable or anything. She would always touch me in passing and would end up kissing me. Each time we saw each other this happened. I later asked why she did this when I found out about the reconciliation and all she could say was… I don’t know. Uh.. Duh?
- She says she still loves and cares about me. Don’t you think that, if you were in love with someone else, you wouldn’t just jump back into a previous relationship? Again, a red flag as to how this relationship is doomed to fail.
- Her admitted need to obligate and do “what’s right”. Though she says she still has feelings for him, she never says she’s going back because she loves him, or that she needs to be with him. Her answers are always, “I feel this is the right thing to do” or “I have an obligation to this” or “I need try my hardest to make this work”. A failed relationship is a failed relationship. No matter how many times you beat a dead horse, it’s not gonna die again, no matter how much you try.
- How many times did she do this before? Half a dozen or so? Yes, this is called a pattern, kids. A ‘Pattern’, as defined by Dictionary.com –
A consistent, characteristic form, style, or method, as: A composite of traits or features characteristic of an individual or a group: one's pattern of behavior.
This pattern is predictable and consistent. It will not change because neither of them has changed. Looking back, her behaviour and mindset is the same. Plus, she still has feelings for me, no matter how much she’ll try to repress them.
Let’s talk about him…
- He’s gay. (Again, an allegation so as to not be libel, but there is much proof to this. It’d stand up in a court of his peers.)
- He’s controlling.
- Any man with ANY sense of self-worth would have dumped her ass a long time ago (I know, I know… what does that say about me??).
- He is so desperate to get her back he’d do whatever it takes to get her back, including crossing his own beliefs and judgments. He went to church with her for Christ-sakes. I’d never do that. And I know for a fact he never went to church with her before. What, all of a sudden he found god??
- Trust is pretty much shot in this relationship. He’ll always be thinking of me when he wants to touch/kiss/fuck (this is a rare instance. Has always been) her. Must drive him crazy to know I violated more ways than he can count.
There are plenty of reasons why this will fail but the two biggest:
Lack of trust on his part (no matter what he says) and she still fucking loves me. Repeatedly, he has said he’d forgive and trust her again. Again, let’s look at his pattern (see definition just in case you forgot).
- Takes her in.
- Says he trusts her.
- At first sign of discontent, accuses her of being a whore and recalls my name in brutal conversation.
- Kicks her out of house.
- Apologizes.
- Repeat as necessary.
These two reasons alone will destroy them. She may not be calling me now and may not for weeks or months… but she will. I guarantee it.
Reasons why I think he’s taking her back?
One, he’s weak and needs someone to care for him. Two, he doesn’t want to be alone. I’ll give him that one, but at what cost?
I don’t want to be alone either but… Would you rather take back someone for the sake of ease and kick your pride, self-respect and reasoning out the window?
If you ask me if I would take her back I seriously wouldn’t know. My first, non-thinking reaction would be yes, because my love for her is still great. But, I’d be in the same boat as him and I don’t want to be thought of as an on the same level as him. I’d never want to be compared to him. Not to float my boat, but I’m a better man in every way than him, except maybe him getting an MBA and being book smarter than me. It’s my not wanting to be alone and not wanting to have to go through the whole fucking nightmare of finding a woman who will love me for who I am and all of the imperfections I carry. But, after what I’ve been through with her… you know what – No, I wouldn’t. She’s his problem now.
And finally – you’re probably asking why I am making such a big deal about this. Forget her and move on you say? Yeah, I know. But, I’ll linger over this until I can understand exactly what happened. I have to. It’s the only way I can feel some sense of relief. It’s not that I think it was my fault, because it wasn’t. None of this had to do with me. It was all her and all on her. She made all the decisions and moves, with maybe a little influence from her fucked up family and him.
The therapy continues.
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