Last night explained

Let me explain something in hindsight and without the influence of alcohol.

Last night – yes, I made the mistake of meeting up with the ex.  She wanted to see me for whatever reason she had.  And I took the opportunity to see her because, let’s face it, I wanted to.  

What was bad was that emotion is elevated during a time when we’re programmed for it to, like Christmas.  Everyone’s emotions, no matter how much the love or hate the holidays, are always on full-tilt.  

I’m no exception.  [a quick question would be – well, Steve, you’re an atheist.  How can you feel this way during CHRISTmas?  Easy..  Haven’t you ever heard of Pavlov’s Dog?]

The fact that my emotions were hell-bent on missing her and wanting to see her that when I did, I crumbled.  I tried to maintain and I was good for awhile but after hearing that she was going back for another go – it was too much for me.  

Regardless of whether I think it will fail or not, it still hurts that the woman you love and you think loves you always chooses unwisely.  

I told her she needed to try without fail to make this work for her.  I’ve told her that so many times.  The problem is, on her journey to make it work, she ended up going to Biloxi and not to her intended destination of Hoboken.  That wasn’t her fault.  That was his for always doing something stupid – like kicking her out of the house or telling her she’s a whore or something.  

I gave her my blessing.  All I want is for her to be happy.  I want her to have what she deserves in life because, frankly, everyone deserves to be happy and everyone deserves the best (whether they choose it or not).  She is an emotionally damaged woman, who needs the help of a professional.  This, we have established.  It’s a given.  This damage is what makes her a pain in the ass to deal with at times.  This damage is what causes her to do what she does, without fail.  And I must be a masochist because it’s one of the things I enjoyed about her, because I got to take care of her emotionally.  We had an equal relationship where she took care of me in other ways.  This damage is also something that he cannot handle.  He cannot deal.  He didn’t before and he will fail again.  He hasn’t been in close quarters with her in almost a year.  And his proven track record is – he forgets pretty quickly.

We’ll see what happens.  I use the analogy of a roulette wheel and she’s the ball.  I told her I think she still hasn’t stopped bouncing yet.  And when it finally stops, I told her to call me because my money is on black.