To know...

So I was at work today thinking really hard and talking to someone about my beliefs and philosophy. I was talking about Buddhism and a simple quote came to me:

To Know Yourself is to Know the Universe.

I thought to myself, I couldn't be that original so.. I Googled it. Turns out someone already said it.. The originator of the martial art known as Aikido is believed to have said it first. I've always wanted to learn Aikido. It is a martial art that is used in defense only. There are no offensive moves. It is the art of using the opponent's force against them to defend yourself. The founder's philosophy is profound as is the martial art. The only bad thing about Aikido is..

Steven Segal.

Another path..

I've noticed that whenever I don't care, whenever it doesn't matter to me, things seem to work out better. This doesn't apply to everything but it does apply in areas I feel are important to me at the moment. So..

From this moment on, I'm going to not care anymore. I will treat everything as if I don't care because I've had some great results from being that way.

It's not that I don't care, because I do... a lot. But I think that it's the wrong vibe to send. I don't think anyone cares that you care. But they do when you don't.

Sad? Maybe. Effective? Definitely.

--addendum--

I had something to say here.. it was long, drawn out and kind of thoughtful. But fuck it. Who the fuck cares anyway? Let me get back to the enjoyment of singing to Men at Work songs at the top of my lungs.

People Watching Over Some Pinot..

Have you ever just sat somewhere and watched people? It's an interesting thing, let me tell you. And after reading an article on flirtation and interaction between the sexes, it's even more interesting.

I was at a place tonight waiting for a take out order, drinking some wine at watching the sports highlights (not that it was interesting or anything, cos it wasn't. Oprah, which came on afterwards, was more interesting) and these guys were sitting down the bar from me. One in particular stood out because he was the talkative one. It was interesting to watch him work because he was the guy who 'attracted' others. Along comes the cute server, Kimberly (I overheard her telling this guy her name when he asked) and it was on. Said guy was talking up a storm and Kimberly was taking it in, smiling, laughing and twirling her hair (a sign of interest). As an observer, I was interested in the exchanges between this girl and these guys. What was most interesting was that she and I made eye contact a few times. Eye contact over a second is promising. Multiple eye contact over a second means there is an interest.

I need to go back.

I know I'm an attractive guy. Why not use it to my advantage?

Just being acknowledged, regardless of outcome is nice. It made my day.

Now.. if I can bring out the asshole in me.. I'll be set.

Just Rememberin'...

Last night was Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a decent time feasting. I know I did. Being with family, we tend to talk about family and this was no exception. My mother was brought up when we were talking about different foods. She made THE BEST gyosa, or potstickers as some people would call them, EVER. I mean, these were to die for. Everyone in the family loved them. But, this entry isn't about my mom's gyosa.

It's about my mom.

My mom passed away over 10 years ago but there isn't a day or two that goes by that I don't think of her. You can call me a momma's boy all you want, I don't care. She raised me when my father was out getting drunk. She took care of me when my father couldn't be bothered with thinking about his family. My mother protected me when my father got beligerent from being drunk. I'm proud of being a momma's boy.

In my life, I never knew anyone as strong as my mother. My mother was brave, leaving her home country for a new life. She was strong as she put up with a man who didn't love her in a relationship held together only by her love for her son. She was tolerant because she put up with a son who took her for granted. She was tough because, in the face of adversity, she left all she knew to regain a semblence of something she lost so long ago.

All I have of my mom are a box of photographs, a few trinkets and a lot of memories. Many good but many bad. A lifetime of regret has made me part of who I am today. As I sit here remembering her, picturing the images I have of her and looking back to only what I can speculate was her youth that she never told me about, I am humbled and awed by the shear strength my mother possessed. The rock, no, the mountain she was. I've only seen my mother cry once. Once. It was because she was taken far beyond her limits, limits I thought were boundless. It still breaks my heart to think of that moment.

My mom grew up in a country at a time where tradition and culture kept women in back. My mom was a progressive woman. I can only gather this through the images I have in that box. The ones where she is dressed in fancy clothing, taking in fancy parties, where she is with friends and making herself look important and.. just being a modern woman in a traditional world. The youth were just being Westernized, after the War (WWII), and she was one of those brave and open-minded women, taking on the challenge to break barriers and set new standards. This is what I'd like to think anyway.

My mom will never know how sorry I am about how I treated her. She'll never know how much I love her. And, she'll never know how much of my respect she has commanded over the years. You will never find anyone more proud of their mom as I am. You will never find anyone more humbled by the experiences had.

This is a lesson for those of you who look at your mothers and think that they're just mom; a nag, a blowhard, someone who just doesn't understand. No, they aren't. They are our support system, our caregivers, our security. They are the backbones of our families. They are the backbones of our society and everyday is Mother's Day. Appreciate your mother. Don't wait until they're gone before you do. This is the biggest regret I'll ever have. One that will die with me.

It's that time of year.. again.

Well, it's that time of year again. Turkey in the oven, family and friends sitting by the fire, sharing stories of old. No, I'm not talking about Thanksgiving (which is coming up, I know), I'm talking Christmas!

As you fans may know, I'm not into Christmas. I hate it. And, this year, it's coming in faster than a Kamikaze diving into a battleship. Halloween didn't even have time to see children get sick from all that candy before we saw decorations and heard Christmas carols in our local Hordemarts.

If you've been following the economic updates on your local cable channels at all, you'd know that this year isn't going to be a good one for the retail sector. They're expecting the public to be tight with their purse strings and humbug to their loved ones. Well, no shit. Have you seen how many people have gone into foreclosure?

So, this year, the corporate juggernauts have gone into high gear by starting the Christmas season a lot sooner than normal, hoping to get the people into a frenzy only Pavlov could appreciate.

So, why do I hate it all? Well, aside from the religious implications- Jesus was NOT born in December. If he was born at all, it would have been somewhere in March or April. The significance of December is that it's a PAGAN ritual. Winter Solstice, worshipping trees (What exactly does a tree have to do with the birth of the savior?), dancing naked in the moonlight... what, you don't do that? Um, strike that.. Giving gifts (well, that could be a three wise men thing.. maybe) and all of that. Why else do I hate it? Because it's become a tool for the corporate greedfucks in their need to make a buck that has them completely bastardizing the one holiday that gets people together for nothing other than to just have a family get together (aside from Thanksgiving, of course).

There's another reason why I hate Christmas - it's because it's the one time of year that everyone's nice to each other. Why not be nice all year round? Why can't you be curteous to your fellow man all of the time and not because of a stupid holiday? Did you know that in Manhattan Beach they turn off all of the parking meters for the Christmas season? Why not do that all year round?? It's not like you'd be missing the money - look at all the rich fucks living in those beachfront homes. I think Peter Brady and his wife Adrian live there, too, if I'm not mistaken. I digress. I'm getting off the subject.

Anyway, love your fellow human, eat a lot of turkey (I'm a vegetarian now, so I won't.. How sucky for me) and just be happy that you're able to celebrate a happy time. There are plenty of people out there who won't be able to for one reason or another. Donate your time to shelters or something. I know I'll be looking into that this year.

My Journey from Redondo to Santa Monica

I've wanted to ride from Redondo Beach to Santa Monica for some time. I used to do it every weekend when I lived in the area but since moving away, it's become one of those things you wish you could do again. Well, I broke out the bike from storage, filled up the tires, got my camera and some energy bars (chocolate chip cookie dough - right on!) and drove out for the day.

First and foremost - My. Ass. Hurts. C'mon, do the bike manufacturers not know how to make a comfy seat? My ass is killing me. Maybe the seat wasn't made to be traversed upon for a distance of over 35 miles (approx from Redondo to SM and back). All I know is, I'm buying a new seat. Those last 5 miles were just a killer. I didn't think I was going to make it! If I start spurting blood outta my ass, I'm suing.

Second, the day sucked. It was overcast all the way there and back. I didn't see the sun all day. I was rather disappointed by this because, during the ride, there is this one spot where one can watch the planes from LAX take off and I wanted pictures of the big 747's flying up and away. Maybe next time. (provided I get a seat for my sensitive ass)

Other than that, the ride was good, I got a good cardio workout from this and I got to photograph stuff. I'm not saying they're great - they're more of a documentation of what I came across.. There was nothing that stood out to say... 'take a pic of me in a really obscure angle.' Nope.. nothing. So anyway, with out further adieu.. pictures of my journey.

Though I started at Redondo, I didn't get a picture off until Hermosa Beach.

Hermosa Beach pier. With people included.

I guess these people were going to do some sort of percussion thing. Nifty.

Next. Manhattan Beach pier. Yeah.. boring, I know.

I took a picture of my bicycle.

There's something about unmanned lifeguard towers that make me just.. photograph.

Volleyball anyone?

A lone seagull greets me as I enter Marina Del Rey.

Wookit all duh pwetty boats!

C'mon! I had to buy $8 worth of shit just to use my CC. WTF is up with that noise?

When I got to Venice, I spied some performers performing.

These guys totally rocked. Amazing gymnastic stuff.

All your balances are belong to us.

Wee!

This dude was totally fucking ripped. I swear I'd sell my soul to the devil to get a physique like this. I don't have the years it would take to get it.

He jumped over 10 people and flipped in mid-air. Unfortunately, my camera was set to single shot and I missed all the fucking action. I was pissed.

This girl had a better camera than me. I was coveting it. And I thought she was cute.

Santa Monica looms ahead.

I had to get a picture of these teens swinging. So youthful.

This is the North Entrance. Where's the South Entrance? In the water?

There was a memorial at the Santa Monica pier for our fallen soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan. Called Arlington West, it's put on by a group of anti-war veterans who want this war (it's not a fucking war, it's a conflict. Congress NEVER declared war) to end. I was actually moved by this. Almost to tears.

Somebody placed a bubble machine on the sand. It reminded me of a woman I had a fling with who, within 2 weeks, said she fell in love with me. I hope you're well Jasey.

This kid was trying to pop the bubbles.

Said Bubble Machine.

This fucking rocks. Where do I get me one?

This was pretty cool. I didn't stop in but it looked like a nifty place.

The shirt was cool, too.

OMG, this guy had to have lost a bet or something. Or he has balls the size of China.

That's GLASS, people. GLASS! What they'll do to make a buck down there..

This act is sooo played. Get a new one buddy. The dog was a nice touch though.
But you still sucked.

I thought these poems were cool. They were inscribed on the shower wall next to the Muscle Beach workout facility.

Well, that's it. I need to get some work done. And my ass still hurts. Fucking Christ, the next time I do this, I'm drinking beer at the watering holes along the way. With a new seat.

Oh and.. days like today make life worth living.

Photographs

Have you ever looked at a photograph? I mean, just studied a photograph? The subject of the photograph. The composition of a photograph. The emotions conveyed in a photograph?

Photography is a beautiful medium. It's my favourite. I was just perusing online some kid's photographs he had taken of his friends - these simple portraits. The lighting, it was perfect. The subjects' expressions.. the.. the simplicity of it all. Brilliant.

Photography captures a moment in time where things can be but never are perfect. A birthday, a graduation, an act of kindness. Or a loss, a sadness, a violation. The emotions, the expressions, the realness (a word?) of THAT moment; that piece of frozen time, forever captured on a strip of film (or digital media these days) and then placed on paper (or a screensaver.. you choose). That one moment where it was or wasn't perfect.

The best make you think. A lot.

I need to qualify first. I don't mean poses, faked and manufactured for the camera. I mean those shots where they're candid, not planned. I hate planned.

Anyway, it is those where you see the subject for who they are. And it's beautiful. Because those are the shots where you see the real. You see the real.

---

I'm giving up television. It's way too emotional.

---

Intimate embrace
Comfort for the weary soul
Needing is okay

--- [something completely different] ---

With that gaze you made
I stayed
For just a minute longer

I had all these thoughts
Got lost
The time just vanished, squandered

I looked to your eyes
So wide
They held a secret pleasure

I wish for your touch
So much
It's something we both treasure

Curious

Originality. Is there any left? It's like eating and regurgitating our young. We steal from ourselves these ideas and concepts and reuse them in different ways. Only the true geniuses can create an original thought and soar with it.

I'm too tired to even care if I make sense.

---
Side note:

A hidden meaning
Placed amongst the syllables
Some proper guidance

For the Photo from Yesterday's Entry

It's short. And sad. I mentioned Melancholy, did I not? I like the word 'melancholy'. It reminds me of a vegetable.
---

Ian watched as the last of the sun sank into the Pacific. He admired the orange glow that separated the horizon from the sky. The young night's air was cool and crisp; Christmas would be cold this year. He walked slowly along the path that followed the cliff's edge. Looking up into the sky, he found the moon in its full, luminant splendor. As the night took hold, the stars began to shine bright as well. It was as if the fabric of the universe had been punched full of holes and the Big Man was holding a candle behind it. He found a bench at a lookout point and sat down. He stared motionless.

Memories of laughing, joyous occasions and sunny afternoons ran through Ian's head. All were pleasant memories, all were memories cherished. He didn't notice the tears streaming down his cheeks until a slight gust of wind chilled his already cold face. All this and so close to Christmas, too. He hated Christmas. This year, it would be even worse.

Anna had been gone for almost two weeks. She had traveled up north for a weekend stay at a Monterrey bed and breakfast with her friends. She was hit by a drunk driver her first night there. From what the witness reports said, she was probably dead before she hit the ground. At least she died without pain.

For almost an hour he sat. It was their spot. Once a week, they took a trip to watch the sunset. Once a week they would enjoy each other's company. Once a week they would cherish a day's passing. Now each day was just another, each sunset just a transition from day to night. If the days were words, they would be a series of run-on sentences.

"Ian." He turned around to see no one. Was it just his mind playing tricks on him?

He heard his name again, this time under the sounds of the breaking waves below him. It was just a trick, something he wanted to hear. Almost a longing.

Anna's voice was clearer when he heard his name one more time. Ian stood up to look over the cliff's edge. He saw nothing but the crashing waves.

"Anna?" he whispered. "Where are you?" He felt stupid, asking for someone who was no longer of this earth. "If you're here, please say something!"

Silence. Nothing but the crashing water below could be heard. The tears welled up once more in Ian's eyes. "Please! Is that you Anna?" The desperation in his voice spoke volumes. He began to cry softly. He put his head down on the rail.

The world was a mysterious place. Its mysteries were shrouded in more mysteries. Everything could be explained away but the affairs of the heart were infinitely more complicated. Coupled with that, the human spirit. Ian loved her more than life itself; she was his everything. She was gone and all he could do now was imagine her voice in the whispering wind and turbulent waters.

Determination and hope. They were but curses now.

Palm Trees and Orange Glows

I'm currently writing a short story influenced by this photo:

Does it make you feel melancholy? I don't know why, but it does me. I wish I knew who took it. Whoever did is such a brilliant photographer. :-)

OMG

So, last night I did something stupid. I put myself in a position where I could have been seriously hurt or even killed, not to mention hurting or killing others. This morning, I thought about it and it really scared me. I'm not going to say what it was but it was bad. I don't know what I was thinking.

I do these things to escape, to feel different. Then, in the end, it bites me in the ass.

Because of what happened, I broke down this morning. I lost it. Then other feelings just poured out. Emotion can be a terrible thing because it can make one so irrational, so.. emotional!

I hate it.

---

Letting myself go
To something bigger out there
No longer a joke

It's the little things..

I just got off the phone with a writer/director/actor/professor. He recently wrote a book for actors on the art of.. well.. acting. In the interest of anonymity I'd rather not say which book but I would definitely recommend it to actors and those who want to know the mindset of actors. Personally, I hate most actors. I abhor Hollywood (okay, 'abhor' is a strong word.. dislike, maybe?) but I do keep my toes planted in the entertainment industry. This man was a delight to talk to. I could hear the passion in his voice for the craft and the knowledge that he had within him about it. It was truly fascinating.

It inspires me to continue what I do. It moves me that there are things that can still inspire me, really. I'll also say that his New Jersey accent was rather charming. It's the little things like this that bring me some satisfaction and happiness.

Plus he's sending me a Moleskine Journal. How fucking rad is that??

So...

This morning I was a bit down and now I'm better.. I had stated I didn't know who I was because, well.. So many things are going on that I'm becoming kind of confused as to where my head is at. The past week I had been looking into things that I had, earlier in my life, looked into.

I know some people don't believe in their astrological forecasts but I do. They describe me to a 't'. I'm the poster boy for the Libra sign. My Chinese astrological sign is very accurate (Boar/Pig). If you check out this link, it'll show you what the Boar/Pig's characteristics are. I'm also an INFJ (I thought I was an INFP but the J is more accurate). Here is a link. Again, there are those that think it's bunk but I am a firm believer in the signs. The Brigg-Meyers Type Indicator (MBTI) is also pretty accurate, I think. More so now than when I first tested myself so many years ago.

Is it all coincidence? I think not. Besides, I like the traits I supposedly have. They make me a swell person.

Oh, and that friend.. Well, it's all good.. I was being rather paranoid, I think. [smile]

Ok.. off to the gym (now that my legs are fully recovered from doing squats. I can actually walk without a limp now. Yay!).

I don'r know anymore..

I don't know who the hell I am anymore.

I need to stop, take assessment and figure out who the fuck I am. Life is too simple to make it this complicated. And life is too short to have to be doing this late in the game.

I'm going through a dark time. And I foresee it getting darker. I think there's something physically wrong with me but I can't see a doctor for another 3 months. I don't want to speculate what it is but I know there's something going on.

And it scares me.

There's only one person I want to talk to about it but I believe she is beyond me now. A friend that I lost because I was so busy trying to make something more out of it that, had I started at square 1, it wouldn't be this way, I think.

A word of advice to all.. you don't have to try hard at something that will come naturally. Desperation is a negative.

Ugh..

So, all I gots to say about the first day at work.. I hope it gets better.

Now.. onto this silly writer's strike..

Do they not get paid for what they do? Do they not get paid well? I'm tired of hearing this bullshit about how there are 12,000 writers in the union and not all of them are getting paid. Well, if all 12,000 fucking writers were actually working (SAG and the writers' union are the only two I know where people can be members AND unemployed) then they'd all get paid. This is about those who actually work. They're getting paid good money to write these scripts. They get residuals when their tv shows are rebroadcast. They get paid when those shows go to DVD. Tell me where else one's services get compensated multiple times after they've completed the work (other than publishing)? If I write a manual for my employer and they publish it in different forms and it gets distributed different ways, I get paid ONCE. Why? Cos they own it. I did a service for them. That's what these people are doing. They work for a network/production company. They are producing television shows for a studio. They're lucky to get paid each time that show airs and when it hits DVD. They should be happy they're being paid as many times as they do. And now they want residuals from possible showings on the internet? C'mon.. Please! Get over yourselves. Be happy you have jobs! Your show could get canceled at any time! And now I gotta suffer through reruns. Fuckers.

Fuck it.. Who cares. Hollywood is full of fucktards anyway.

Out and about..

The next person who pulls up to me and asks if my car is fast is going to have me out and pissing through their window.

Yes. My car is fast. There's an 80% chance I'll kick your ass in a race.
Do I need to prove it to you? No.

So get it off my jock, bitch.

--

Exhilarating
The creaminess of Pinot
It's better in twos.

--

Boredom is not the source of evil. Religion is.

General BS

How is the electrical system in the International Space Station grounded? Is there a tether to the earth we don't know about? I hope their electrical systems are wired correctly.

Does the Second Law of Thermodynamics prove the existence of god? The energy between the universe and the bodies within the universe are becoming equal. Someone I read used the example of a hot cup of coffee losing its heat in a closed room. Eventually, the room and the cup of coffee will have equal temperature. The heat energy of the coffee simply transfered to the room but it was never really lost. However, that cup of coffee will never get hot again (unless someone sticks it in the microwave); it and the room will stay the same temp forever (barring fluctuations). So, where did all the energy come from when the universe was created? It is theorized that the universe had a starting point. If you picture the universe as a spring, in its compressed state, eventually it will expel its energy by expanding. But what (or who) created this energy? Did god violate the second law of thermodynamics? After all, he created it - he can surely break it. But why would he do that? Did he create the law after he created the energy? Then I would have to ask the question, did he know it would eventually lead to the creation of all of the galaxies, planets and life forms? If so, did he know what would happen thereafter? If he did (and he should), we would have no free will and everything is destined and I could live in a box and know that the outcome of my life was predestined and I have no choice. Okay, I'm getting a little ahead of myself there. And this is assuming there is but one god.

Anyway.. thinking about it, it could be that the energy could have been created by friction (static electricity). With all of that build up in a singularity, such friction could cause a shitload of energy. That energy then expands in an explosion and wah-lah, one universe, please. And the universe is still expanding (no gravity, no friction, endless expansion). Ugh, I can't even speculate the boundaries of the universe - the concept of what's beyond it is so beyond my comprehension, it gives me a headache. But, the universe can be one of two things: forever expanding or, being like a rubberband, it will eventually contract. Some theories speculate that the universe is like a big rubberband (or more like a rubber ball?) and it will contract back to its singularity, then once again expand. In any case, the energy wasn't created, it simply transferred from one state to another (I speculate. I'm not a scientist, nor do I play one on tv) and the second law of thermodynamics wasn't violated, not that I can really see how it would apply now that I think about it - because it deals with heat energy) and a god had no part in it. But if god did create the energy to start the universe then what created the energy of god? If people cannot accept that the energy of the universe was always there, then why should I accept that the energy of god was always there? In any case, it all makes sense to me and that's what really matters. :-)

But the real question is - what's holding our universe to allow it all that room to expand?

Hmm, thinking about it, maybe there's an entity named Frank (so sayeth on his labcoat) who created the beginnings of our universe (in the petree dish I mentioned in another entry) and he has simply walked away.. Oh no.. I'm a deist now (which is the most logical choice if one had to believe in a god).

---

I should stop poking fun. You may not realize it, but I am looking for answers. But all I see at this point is that there aren't any. None that satisfy me anyway. I know why the sky is blue. I know how babies are made. I know there is no Santa Claus. I just don't know what my purpose is. Once again, I'm questioning my beliefs. But I think it's a good thing. Everyone should from time to time.

I'm thinking too much. I think I'll work it off at the gym now.

And another thing..

Taking the words of the great poet and philosopher, John Lydon (affectionately known as Johnny Rotten), whilst in the band PiL (Public Image Ltd), he said:

Anger is an energy.

Damn skippy it is. And I intend to use it.

That is all.

Hmmph..

My body has become accustomed to waking at 6am. I believe the reason for it is simple and in my head I thought I was over it but apparently my body doesn't.

I hate it when that happens.

Things always come to an end

Today was my last day at my temp job and it actually made me kind of sad. I'm way too sensitive for my own good sometimes. It was a great place to work, really laid back and had a fun atmosphere. I met a few people and hopefully will stay in touch. Now I look forward to a new job that will afford me a new life. I'm anxious, excited and kind of scared all at the same time. Something new.. It's something I'll be good at for sure. But there's always that trepidation that comes with the unknown. Here's to Mondays.

I hate when things like this happen -- I got a call from a startup Internet company today whose business it is to sell adverts on websites. They'd like to partner up with me and the site I run. They've been around for awhile doing P2P (that's Peer-to-Peer for you non-geeks) with CDs, DVDs and whatnot. Seems they're starting up a marketing company catering to movie websites, selling advertising for movie studios. I see it as a definite opportunity. The partnership could potentially bring much needed traffic and much needed revenue. The reason why I hate when this happens is because I was just thinking about how I needed to somehow bring more traffic to my site and that revenue would be good. I was seeing it in my mind's eye today, making it real. No joke. It just flies in the face of my whole rant from yesterday. Jesus, I hate that. Coincidence.

So I leave you with a few haiku. I used to have a haiku of the day after each blog entry (I was also reading through some of my old entries.. You should, too.. the one on intelligent design was pretty good, I thought) but it sort of became too much work.

Nervousness within
Emanant change a comin'
On a Precipice

Fireworks inside
Tormented. Anxious. Afraid.
Kittens frolicking

Fortune seeks its way
On roads destined to find me
Via Yellow Bricks

Feathers floating by
On melancholy breezes
Just disappearing

Five words to come by
Two plus five more for this line
A lazy haiku

Things I Think About Each Day

I think about many things each day. I'm always thinking. I'm always analyzing. I'm always looking at things in unique ways. It is only due to my limited intelligence that I sometimes have trouble articulating them. That's something I need to work on.

Anyway..

What is on my mind on a given day

Religion vs spirituality vs god

I think about god a lot. For an atheist, I think about god and the existence of something greater too much. To be honest, I wish there was a higher power. It would make life so much easier to relinquish some of my personal responsibility to a deity. It would make it easier because I could then think that god had a lot to do with the way things are in life, that things happen for a reason, that there is a destiny, a fate. I could get a little bit of extra comfort knowing that my personal savior is listening to my prayers and, though they're never answered, at least he's listening. And, as long as I live in a lifestyle that is somewhat respectable to god, I'll receive my rewards after I die. Something to look forward to.

So, which deity do I believe in? I mean, there must be as many deities or varieties of the same one as there are people on this planet. There are groups who believe in a vengeful god. One may believe in a loving god. Another will believe that their god hates fags. Guess what - they all believe in the same god. How does that happen? Then, what about all the other deities that exist? What if the Abrahamic god is the wrong one? Should I carry a religious trinket for every religion and deity out there? I better bring a small mini-van with me everywhere I go. Anyway, this isn't about me dogging on religion. I respect people who believe in something higher. Sometimes I'm even envious that I cannot succumb to that lower level of thought. Yes, I believe that believing in a deity is archaic and ignorant. We've been shown that what was once believed to be god-made has a much simpler explanation. But, if it makes you happier and more fulfilled, great. I'm happy for you.

Obviously, though, I have issues with this. If I didn't I wouldn't be thinking about it. Like I said, I wish there was a god. But, I also wish there was a Santa Claus and a Fountain of Youth. Nothing will convince me there is a god. Nothing short of god himself appearing before me and crapping lightning bolts will change my mind. But what about spirituality? Is spirituality exclusive to religious belief? I don't think so. And I'm coming to the realization that this is something I need in my life. And I'm going about it in a way that's good for me.

One thing though.. have faith in yourself. We control our own destiny. When you visualize, conceptualize, and bring it to fruition, nothing or no one but you did it. Don't have faith that the Universe (or a higher power) is helping you. You're your higher power. The human mind works in such powerful and wonderful ways. You are what helps you, pushes you, causes things to materialize for you. The Universe may be larger than us and we're definitely a part of it, but it certainly isn't helping us. God says he helps those that help themselves. If they help themselves, what the fuck do they need god for?


The universe, the earth and us

I was thinking about it this morning, actually.. The universe is somewhere around 13 BILLION (yes, Billion) years old, give or take a few hundred million years. The earth is around 4.6 Billion. But, that's not what I am occupying my precious time with. I was thinking about what was beyond the edge of the universe. I mean, is there a barrier there that says "Bridge Out" or some sort of wall? In the film MEN IN BLACK, there was a trinket worn by a cat that had a whole universe in it. Sometimes, I think we're just in a petree dish in some laboratory somewhere and we're just the germs on a speck in a vacuum. And, that 14B Years is actually 14 milliseconds and that once we get to 1 second our universe will fall apart and the experiment will be over. But, for us, 1000 milliseconds is forever.

Sex

It's been hard. I've been thinking about sex so much lately, more so than normal (and normal is a lot.. check out this link if you wanna know). I guess it's because I had a taste and then it was gone. And I wanted more. But how do you approach the subject when you have to tiptoe about it? When you shouldn't be so.. I dunno.. mechanical? Any normal person responds appropriately. Oh well.. It is what it is. I guess some things aren't a turn on. I'll make note of that for the next one.


Self-Improvement

This ongoing process is just awesome. Sometimes, I have to just stop and realize how much I've changed. Though I've hit some setbacks, they're just bumps in the road. I'm still working on confidence issues as well but after having a two hour argument with my roommate, I feel my confidence level has gotten a little higher. But, I digress. It's still in progress. I just have to realize the uselessness of being envious and jealous. Being envious of other peoples' accomplishments only takes away from our own. Being jealous is simply stupid. It's a sign of insecurity and a lack of confidence. Why should I be jealous of others? Who cares? I know who I am, what my strengths and weaknesses are and I know what I have to offer. If someone isn't into me, it's not my issue. Shit happens. Move on.

There are other things I think about but they're not for me to discuss. And they're not worth discussing anyway. Besides, no one ever talks about speedbumps unless they break something. These are pretty minor.