Each person can make a difference

You can help.



Though I've never used this hotline, I've been in the position where I could have used them. Luckily, I didn't follow through with the plans I had. I still think about it from time to time but I know that, if it comes down to it, I have someone, somewhere, to talk to that will help me overcome the temporary problem that would lead to a permanent solution. Help 1-800-SUICIDE help others.

Just when you thought it was safe to park...

A funny thing happened to me the other night. Well, it didn't happen to me as much as I was held up by something that happened.

I was at the Arclight in LA on Monday night. I was actually in the parking structure trying to find a parking spot to get to the Arclight when this happened. See, I was following some guy in an old Mercedes who, I just assumed, was also looking for a parking space. As we rounded another corner in this long trip through the building, this guy threw his water bottle out of the window and at a parked car.

How fucking rude, I thought. What a fucking retard. Who would blatantly throw their trash out of their window and at a parked car?? [don't answer that, it's rhetorical] So, my mind is throwing out different adjectives describing the fucktard driving his old Mercedes with, by the way, a license plate holder indicating his status as USC Alumni. I guess even good schools churn out stupid people.

So, I'm filling my head with obscenities about this guy and all of a sudden, he stops his friggin' car and starts yelling at some woman. Is this a domestic despute, I thought? Do these two people know each other? As I listened on to the guy rambling on, I saw the woman produce the very same water bottle previously discarded by this prick.

The guy was obviously pissed off. Did this woman steal his parking spot? Pee in his Cheerios? Turn him down for a date to take a tour of his glorious USC campus? I dunno but when he got out of his car to face this apparent spoiler of his good spirit I was, like, bring it down to a 10, dude!

I watched as this little man, balding and pudgy yet still young, address this woman somewhat face to face. I thought he was going to take her on, do something stupid. She stood her ground and her body language indicated nothing in the way of fear. It was almost as if she were mocking him.

As I sat there, watching this drama unfold, two things came to my mind: should I get out of the car and assist this young lady in her troubles and, dude, get in your fucking car and leave this woman alone.

I didn't get out of the car. And after a few moments of discomfort, wondering what this douchebag was going to do, he ended up getting back into his car. Yet, he was still yelling at this calm and collected, though mocking, woman. After a few moments of his childish ranting, I had enough. I yelled at the twit to move his fucking car. I mean, shit, he had blocked the way for at least 5 minutes trying to demean this rock of a woman. They both looked at me and I them. Then, in disgust, the man put his car into drive and took off. On a side note, should children be allowed to drive Mercedes Benzes? And should USC approach this wanker and ask him for his license plate holder back? Questions that I'll never know the answers to.

As I drove around and, eventually, found a spot to park, I wondered. Should I have gotten out of my car to help this woman? I mean, she didn't seem like she needed help but, still, I just sat there. This guy, though non-threatening in any way (in fact, he looked like a beady little troll now that I think about it), looked as though he was going to assault this woman somehow and I didn't want to get involved. Does this make me a pussy, even though I just didn't want to get involved? Is chivalry dead?

Then it donned on me that maybe this woman wouldn't have wanted help. Would she have chastised me for actually coming to her aid? Would she have been one of those feminist holier-than-thou bitches that thinks she could've taken care of herself in times of trouble (I'm sure she would have kicked this guy's ass if it came down to it. He was a fucking tard)? And if so, would she just have accused me of being a sexist fuck for thinking that she's a lesser person because of her gender? Because, you know, LA, particularly Hollywood, has a lot of these independent, feminist women around and about. And, don't get me wrong, I love feminists. They stand for something important. They're great. Just a little delusional.

I guess it still bothers me, almost a week later, that I didn't do anything for this woman. I could have just gotten out of the car, asked if there was a problem and told the little troll to go about his business; sometimes life isn't fair and we should deal with it in a calm and collected way and then move on. And if the woman was a feminist bitch, I would have just had to deal with it and move on, knowing that some people can never be grateful. There is a third scenario, of course.. I could have gotten out, helped and then gotten her number. Her number, damn it! And therein lies the rub... I could've gotten her number. Damn. Folly strikes again.

Oh, the movie you ask? Hancock. Media screening. Go out and see it. Just as you should go out and see Wanted. Two great summer flicks.

A little late but better than never..

I know it's a little late but I just wanted to write a little something about George Carlin. He was a brilliant man, a brilliant comedian and he was a brilliant atheist. He had a view on life that I found so interesting and so on the nose. And now he's dead.

So, rest in peace Mr. Carlin. You were a talent and an inspiration.

Every moment is a new beginning.

I've never been a goal-oriented guy. I've always been the type to just go with whatever interested me. I took whatever it was where ever it went and enjoyed (or not) the ride. I've come to the realization that this way of living isn't very productive. So, I decided to change that. I started writing down my goals, adhering to some sort of plan and, while stumbling because it isn't natural for me, followed what I've set out to do. So far it's been helpful. I've accomplished some really great things. Mainly personal, but great nonetheless. I've learned a lot about myself in the process. I've learned that I'm a highly ambitious person, with big dreams and lofty goals. I've also learned that I'm terribly lazy and I procrastinate a lot. Things I need to work on constantly.

I've been reading a lot about many subjects and they've helped me to understand who I am as well as understand the world around me. I've learned that I'm a very analytical person. At the same time, I'm a very emotional person. Neither are good or bad. It's just the way things are. Analyzing these things have helped me to focus on what's really important in my life. I don't want to change anything about me because, frankly, I think I'm awesome. That doesn't mean there isn't room to become more awesome. It's like Jello chocolate pudding. There's always room for more Jello pudding.

Anyway.. I spent a lot of time tonight thinking about things. It's what I do well. The moon was a great companion. Illuminating, unique and engaging; things I look for in companions. It helped me to focus on what was important. I thought about the things I want accomplish in life. I had written in earlier entries about my plans for school. I wanted to major in comm and minor in philosophy. As with so many things, my priorities change. I'm ditching communications and making philosophy my focus. Why? Thinking about life is what I do and I do it well. It's something that has always fascinated me. I think about religion, belief systems and the things people do and why. I ask myself the most mundane yet interesting questions. Philosophy is where it's at, man. So that's where I'm going. I have a four year plan (that's how many more years I must endure the painful payments on my car). This is the timeframe in which I plan on achieving many goals that will allow me to accomplish what I need to do, change what I need to change and learn what I need to learn. This is the timeframe in which I need to make myself the person I wish to be as well as gain the value I need to gain.

Value, you ask? This is where the lame stuff comes in (if it hasn't already). There was someone whom I met sometime ago, not too long but it's been a bit. She taught me so much in the short time I knew her. And I continue to think about her often. It helps me to focus on what I need to do because, frankly, she is a major part of why I need to change.

She is the one that got away.

And, I believe it's because of the perceived value I had to her, or lack thereof.

Sometimes, when one meets someone who is uplifting, motivating and a positive influence, that person, too, is probably looking for the same. When that person doesn't find it, their perceived value in the other diminishes. And it breaks the deal. I found someone of tremendous value to me who I don't think found the same value in me. My value wasn't equal or higher in her eyes. And no matter how much I may have disagreed, no matter how much I may have tried, it didn't do anything to sway her opinion. Sure, I still think I hold equal or greater value but it doesn't matter what I think. Especially now. She and I are no longer in contact, which I chose.

Thinking back to those times, I only hurt the perception of me by opening my mouth and saying too much. I said things I thought would work in my favor. Some of them were true, some not... some I thought were true but in retrospect weren't. She is truly a rare breed. Someone who doesn't operate within the norms of society. That can be a good thing. And a bad one.

Anyway, I bring this up now because I need to get it out there. I need to say it so that when I read this over and over again in the coming days, months, years, I'll continually be motivated to change. I never want what happened between her and I to happen again when I meet the next right one (I don't believe in soulmates). I don't want to lose that which I know is perfect for me. She was far from perfect, but she was for me. Fortunately, there are others out there who are perfect for me. And, I believe we attract those who are right for us. It'll happen again one day, though I'm not looking for it. In order to not lose a good thing, I must bring my perceived value up. And that's a goal. Don't get me wrong. I know what my value is, and I think it's pretty god damn high. But just because I think it's high, doesn't mean others do. So, I have to accomplish things that bring the perception of value up. Whether it's a degree, a house in the burbs, a eco-friendly car, or simply a handle on life, it has to be something of value.

Like I said. I'm pretty ambitious. I'm becoming more focused. And the desire is there. Everything is falling into place.

This leads me to my final topic. My goodbye.

You brought me great joy (along with frustration and emotional confusion) in the short period of time I knew you. You helped me change my view of myself and the world around me. You gave me insight I never thought possible. I strive each day to learn and grow. You helped me become a better human being. For that I'll always be grateful. But, as life so often does, it moves on without a care or inhibition. It moves forward whether you want it to or not. And I'm moving forward. I have my memories, good and bad. And though I wish we could still be friends, chances are you've moved on, too.

I wish you well, Judy. I wish you happiness beyond belief, success beyond your dreams and a life filled with greatness. You will have a place in my heart that only a select few will ever have. You are the standard for which others must now meet.

Goodbye.

So.. enough of my rambling. I have reading to do.. I'm buried in 4 books at the moment. And, I have an interview to type up (which I'm procrastinating on).

Hmm..

So I get this call out of the blue from someone I hadn't seen in months. When I was doing temp work, before I started with the job I have now, I worked at this marketing firm. There I met this woman who was really funny and kind of cute but, at the time, I was still hung up on someone else.

I think, for once, I'm taking advantage of an opportunity. I know why she called. At least I'm going to assume that and.. when I set up our date in the coming week, it's going to end up with me getting some.

She ain't relationship material. She knows it, I know it and there's nothing wrong with that. And I'm over being the nice guy.

Maybe I'm bragging...

Or maybe I just like the vid.. I don't know..

I'm not in it, nor did I produce it but.. I have something to do with it... somehow..

Belladonna.. Pornstar..

Give it a rest, women.

I listened to Hillary Clinton's exit speech this morning. I commend her for being such a strong, independent, courageous woman who pushed the limits of what women think they're capable of. She is a woman I believe could run this country and I would vote for her if the choice were between her and McCain. And, not that I think Barack isn't any less talented, I would have chosen her over him as well because I think she has what it takes.

And yet, she says there is a glass ceiling for women, albeit with "18 million cracks" thanks to her women supporters.

I am at wit's end with this whole "women don't have the same opportunities as men" bullshit. Yes. They. Do. If they didn't, we wouldn't have seen Hillary get this far, if anywhere at all. We wouldn't have seen the many women make it as far as they have in their careers. We wouldn't have seen the suffragettes have their say. We wouldn't have seen women in history like Isabella Baumfree (Sojourner Truth), Susan B. Anthony, Harriet Tubman, Amelia Earhart, Georgia O'Keefe, Rosa Parks, Billie Jean King, Gloria Steinem, Gloria Allred and countless other women who not only fought for themselves and for their causes, they fought for the women after them to have it better. But what did they do that stood them apart from other women? They fought harder, longer and more diligently to get where they got. They made an effort that was extraordinary.

Most people who succeed do so because their drive is stronger, their effort is higher, their need is greater than the average person. These women who made it are the same. I believe women have set limits on themselves because they believe, in this "patriarchal" society, that men have all the say and that men set the rules. Men have been in that position because we were placed in that position from the get go. It is what it is. We didn't limit women. They did.

If you believe there is a glass ceiling, there is a glass ceiling. And the proof is in the pudding when there are women blasting through that so-called ceiling all the time. Guess what? It shows that, really, there isn't one. You just want to make fucking excuses because you wanted it handed to you instead of going out after it. Even the feminists out there have made it because they fought hard to get it. Men fight for their shit all the time. It isn't any easier for us because we're men. In fact, the challenge is harder because many women still believe we need to pull them up with us. Fuck that bullshit. Pull your own weight up. No one is stopping you - you're perfectly capable of doing it on your own.

This mindset that women are inferior to men is a stigma you place on yourselves. You perceive it, so you believe it. Now you're fighting to abolish it when, in reality, it was never there. There are plenty of women who have "made it". It may have been a harder fight for them, in this "male dominated world", but they did it.

So what the fuck is stopping the rest of you to do what women before you have done (and, in turn, making it easier for women today to do it themselves)?

Fuck the feminists. Your time has come and gone. Get with the picture and stop complaining and start doing. Your glass ceiling is self-created. Stop thinking it's there and it will disappear.

So, Senator Clinton, there aren't 18 million cracks in your glass ceiling because, frankly, there is no ceiling at all.

And before anyone even think it, I'm not misogynistic, a sexist or a male chauvinist. So fuck you if you think I am.

Overdue Haiku

Periodically

One trips over mistakes made

Get up and go

Two less eyes look on

Relief rebounding

But only on the outside

Obliterated

Looking within for answers

Nothing is real

Her shadow cast itself

Across a dreary landscape

Formidable foe

Textbook catchphrases

It's all tongue and cheek bullshit

Gullible retards