Every moment is a new beginning.

I've never been a goal-oriented guy. I've always been the type to just go with whatever interested me. I took whatever it was where ever it went and enjoyed (or not) the ride. I've come to the realization that this way of living isn't very productive. So, I decided to change that. I started writing down my goals, adhering to some sort of plan and, while stumbling because it isn't natural for me, followed what I've set out to do. So far it's been helpful. I've accomplished some really great things. Mainly personal, but great nonetheless. I've learned a lot about myself in the process. I've learned that I'm a highly ambitious person, with big dreams and lofty goals. I've also learned that I'm terribly lazy and I procrastinate a lot. Things I need to work on constantly.

I've been reading a lot about many subjects and they've helped me to understand who I am as well as understand the world around me. I've learned that I'm a very analytical person. At the same time, I'm a very emotional person. Neither are good or bad. It's just the way things are. Analyzing these things have helped me to focus on what's really important in my life. I don't want to change anything about me because, frankly, I think I'm awesome. That doesn't mean there isn't room to become more awesome. It's like Jello chocolate pudding. There's always room for more Jello pudding.

Anyway.. I spent a lot of time tonight thinking about things. It's what I do well. The moon was a great companion. Illuminating, unique and engaging; things I look for in companions. It helped me to focus on what was important. I thought about the things I want accomplish in life. I had written in earlier entries about my plans for school. I wanted to major in comm and minor in philosophy. As with so many things, my priorities change. I'm ditching communications and making philosophy my focus. Why? Thinking about life is what I do and I do it well. It's something that has always fascinated me. I think about religion, belief systems and the things people do and why. I ask myself the most mundane yet interesting questions. Philosophy is where it's at, man. So that's where I'm going. I have a four year plan (that's how many more years I must endure the painful payments on my car). This is the timeframe in which I plan on achieving many goals that will allow me to accomplish what I need to do, change what I need to change and learn what I need to learn. This is the timeframe in which I need to make myself the person I wish to be as well as gain the value I need to gain.

Value, you ask? This is where the lame stuff comes in (if it hasn't already). There was someone whom I met sometime ago, not too long but it's been a bit. She taught me so much in the short time I knew her. And I continue to think about her often. It helps me to focus on what I need to do because, frankly, she is a major part of why I need to change.

She is the one that got away.

And, I believe it's because of the perceived value I had to her, or lack thereof.

Sometimes, when one meets someone who is uplifting, motivating and a positive influence, that person, too, is probably looking for the same. When that person doesn't find it, their perceived value in the other diminishes. And it breaks the deal. I found someone of tremendous value to me who I don't think found the same value in me. My value wasn't equal or higher in her eyes. And no matter how much I may have disagreed, no matter how much I may have tried, it didn't do anything to sway her opinion. Sure, I still think I hold equal or greater value but it doesn't matter what I think. Especially now. She and I are no longer in contact, which I chose.

Thinking back to those times, I only hurt the perception of me by opening my mouth and saying too much. I said things I thought would work in my favor. Some of them were true, some not... some I thought were true but in retrospect weren't. She is truly a rare breed. Someone who doesn't operate within the norms of society. That can be a good thing. And a bad one.

Anyway, I bring this up now because I need to get it out there. I need to say it so that when I read this over and over again in the coming days, months, years, I'll continually be motivated to change. I never want what happened between her and I to happen again when I meet the next right one (I don't believe in soulmates). I don't want to lose that which I know is perfect for me. She was far from perfect, but she was for me. Fortunately, there are others out there who are perfect for me. And, I believe we attract those who are right for us. It'll happen again one day, though I'm not looking for it. In order to not lose a good thing, I must bring my perceived value up. And that's a goal. Don't get me wrong. I know what my value is, and I think it's pretty god damn high. But just because I think it's high, doesn't mean others do. So, I have to accomplish things that bring the perception of value up. Whether it's a degree, a house in the burbs, a eco-friendly car, or simply a handle on life, it has to be something of value.

Like I said. I'm pretty ambitious. I'm becoming more focused. And the desire is there. Everything is falling into place.

This leads me to my final topic. My goodbye.

You brought me great joy (along with frustration and emotional confusion) in the short period of time I knew you. You helped me change my view of myself and the world around me. You gave me insight I never thought possible. I strive each day to learn and grow. You helped me become a better human being. For that I'll always be grateful. But, as life so often does, it moves on without a care or inhibition. It moves forward whether you want it to or not. And I'm moving forward. I have my memories, good and bad. And though I wish we could still be friends, chances are you've moved on, too.

I wish you well, Judy. I wish you happiness beyond belief, success beyond your dreams and a life filled with greatness. You will have a place in my heart that only a select few will ever have. You are the standard for which others must now meet.

Goodbye.

So.. enough of my rambling. I have reading to do.. I'm buried in 4 books at the moment. And, I have an interview to type up (which I'm procrastinating on).