Don't Take EFFEXOR!!

This passed weekend has been the worst for me in weeks.  I felt as though life was not worth living anymore.  I don’t know why I go through these moods so consistently.  Angry one moment, sad another, suicidal the next.  Then I’m lonely and want her back more than anything.  All over a woman who is basically a cheater and a liar?  Please.  

I’m beginning to think that the anti-depressant I’m on is amplifying these feelings to the point of not being able to cope properly.  I’ve been doing a lot of research and the information I’ve read is terribly disturbing.  All for anxiety?  It’s not worth it.

Effexor is a drug that basically fucks with the chemistry in your brain.  What happens is that it curbs some of it to change your mood.  When you get off of it, the brain isn’t ready and it starts to do some funny shit.

Like brain zaps.  It’s like everything is in slow motion and you feel like things are zapping you and you twitch and it doesn’t hurt but it is not comfortable.  After about a day, if you don’t take your dose, you begin to feel this way, plus nausea, sweating, terrible dreams and other crap that just scares the shit out of me.

These are just the withdrawal symptoms.  Side effects while you’re taking the drug is weight gain, memory dysfunction and the worst… sexual drive decreases.  

I think the doctors really don’t know about the side effects.  They’re killing me.  I want off this drug now.

On another note…

Here’s a letter I wanted to send her but instead I just called and said goodbye.  I wished I had sent this instead ---

P –

I can't do this anymore.  I miss you so much and yet I have this overwhelming hatred for you.  I've lost my trust in you.  I've lost my faith in you.  Yet, I can't blame you.  You're kind of programmed to do what you do.  Remember the analogy of the scorpion and turtle?  

I love you more than you know.  Regardless of how much you sometimes drive me insane to the point of needing a vacation from you, I often think that I can't survive without you.  

Regardless of what others tell me, I feel this way because they don't know you the way I do.  They don't know how you have a wealth of guilt or a complex obligation to fulfill.  They don't believe in your love for me.  I understand and I know.  

However, your blatant disregard for anyone else's feelings other than your own seriously causes doubt in me of you. This last time wasn't just a’ get up and leave S****’ again.  This one involved my well-being, my living conditions on top of already planning to be with J*** WHILE still being with me.  Your breakdown while I was in _______ only showed me that after I didn't give you the answer you wanted you ran back to J*** because you knew he'd tell you what you wanted to hear.  Rest assured that it will fail again, like it always has in the past.  What makes this time any different?  

This time, I won't be there for you to fall back on because this email is to say goodbye.  Your actions have caused serious doubt in you.  Watching you is watching a tennis match. Except this isn't a game.  You're playing with my heart, the heart of J*** and the emotions of everyone around you.  You tell people one thing and do another.  You cater to your parents, J*** and those who have no bearing yet you don't cater to me.  How can I believe you love me?  How can I think you care about me when your actions say otherwise?  

I need to move on now.  This is the only way I know how; it's closure for me.  Talking to you makes me sad.  Just imagining you with J*** and you forgetting me kills me to no end.  It just hurts like a motherfucker that you show no remorse.  I'll never understand how you can just flip like that.  

So, goodbye.  And, good life.  Like with ***, don't call.  Don't email.  I'll only delete anything that may come.  

-me