What do women want? Originally - 7/2000

Orignally posted on my AOL webpage on 9th July 2000.

--

July 9, 2000


You've been there (I'm talking to men, so you women.. go watch Oprah or something.. okay, don't!). You're in a club and you're eyein' the hottie at the bar and you're thinking, 'Wow!' (Single syllables are choice!) Anyway, you're checking this woman out and she looks at you and you think, 'Whoa! She's checking me out!' and you're feeling all bad-ass and then.. she turns to the slimeball next to her and gives him a big sloppy kiss. Your next thought is, ' what the fuhhh??'

That's right, you're checking out a gorgeous woman who kisses someone who can only be described as someone below you on the food chain, a guy who either has lots of money or a big dick because, in the scheme of things, if it weren't for those two attributes he'd be sitting at home petting his willy.

Now, let's get back to that final thought, "what the fuhhh?" You turn to your buddy and all you can do is point and say, "ehhh??" at the unbelievable couple. You take a swig of your beer and decide that life sucks because you have an average dick and you're the night manager at McDonald's. Then you hear, later, that women really don't care about money or the size of your unit. It's what's inside that matters.

Well, here's where my rant begins. I'm really not sure anymore what to think about this because, to be honest, I'm absolutely confused! I've been reading the love@aol ads because I personally get a kick out of all the women looking for men online. Of course, I've put an ad or two to see how it fares but I've only managed to meet psycho women from Pacoima. But, anyway, about these ads… If women are so into personality and sense of humour and great personality, why is it that all the ads I've read involve a man that makes $80k or more? Yet, the woman makes between ten and twenty-five thousand dollars a year. What do they friggin' bring to the table? Their fake tits? Puhleeze. (I know, I know, there are women out there who want more than that.. YEAH, THEY WANT A SPORTS CAR TOO!! HAHAHA, j/k)

And then there's me. I think I've said how I've played the asshole and the sensitive guy. I've been across the gamut. I drive a motorcycle, I've tattoos and I make decent money. I live by the beach in a house! Not an apartment or condo… a house near the beach. I don't live with my parents and I own my own car. I'm intelligent and I actually know what words like 'juxtaposition' and 'peregrination' mean. I think I'm witty and I've got a great sense of humour. Now, maybe it's because I live the Los Angeles area or maybe it's because I'm not physically attractive to the female sex (I'm not saying I'm ugly, mind you!), but that shouldn't matter right? Because women are digging the thinking, witty man, right?? Sure! * wink wink! * Actually, what I'm trying to say is, I've got the bad boy look with the wholesome attitude, topped with a great sense of humour. I tried to cover the entire spectrum, just to be safe. But, if being in a relationship was like having a job, I'd be in the ever-perpetual unemployment line.

My point is, women are just god-damned confusing. They say they want this or that in a man and then when you give it to them, they turn around and take exactly the opposite. In the end, I'm just a tattooed, motor-ridin', sissy-boy living in an over-priced two-story house with two other roomies. I've found that the image doesn't get what you want but neither does the money or big dick. I've also found that being a great looking jockboy works well but it's still not the be-all, get-all either. I think it's a well-balanced juggle of all of these attributes (look good, be good and, above all, feel good. About yourself). So, I'm going to go out tomorrow to get a penis pump, a treadmill and the winning ticket to the California Lotto because hey.. I already have the motorcycle and tattoos.. I just need the money and big dick. Oh, and don't forget the hot bod, too.


PROLOGUE: After a recent conversation with my cousin in Italy (he's not Italian, just in Italy) regarding this topic, he conveyed to me some things I already knew (but were afraid to admit). First men, remember to always be confident. Confidence is better than chocolate when it comes to turning women on. Hell, bring a Hershey bar and your confidence to the table and she'll be eating that chocolate for breakfast - in your bed. Take some time to listen and get to know the girl you want. And just be yourself. It doesn't hurt if you tell the chick you make 60 grand a year, either. Just don't let her see your '82 Volkswagen Gulf in the parking lot as you two are leaving.