Meds and the State of Mind

I get to see the therapist tonight.  Reason?  I take anti-depressants.  Not for being depressed, but because of my anxiety.  If you’ve ever taken Effexor, or have been on it for a long time, you know that it can have lasting side effects.  And, if you don’t take it for a day or two, withdrawals will set in.  It’s really bad.  My doctor prescribed them to me months ago and I want to get off of them.  I believe them to be the cause to my higher anger rate and aggressiveness.  I’d like to get on something else; something that will curb my anxiety and my anger.  Effexor doesn’t work and I think it’s causing my abnormal anger.  

Of course, I’ve always been an angry person but I’ve never been this angry.  I’ve always been someone that has fed off of my moodiness and lack of happiness.  My creativity is based upon it.  I may even be clinically depressed, I don’t know, but I like it because that’s how I function.  However, the meds I take don’t help because they neither make me happier nor keep me at my desired level of moodiness.  They make me angrier, more moody and less capable of dealing with stupid shit like this breakup.  They’re actually anti-anti-depressants, if you will.  How fucked up is that?

I’ve done research on Effexor and this stuff is crazy.  When you don’t take a dose for an extended period of time, it causes your body to go into withdrawal.  Some people have described the feeling to be similar to one shaking their head violently left and right or spinning in a circle.  Me?  I think it feels like the onset of the flu without actually having a headache or other feelings associated with it.  Vertigo sets in, I begin to shake and sweat and though it doesn’t hurt, it feels like it’s about to.  After a while it begins to drive you crazy, to the point where, if you don’t take the meds, you’ll end up either hurting yourself or someone around you.  I can truly say I feel sorry for those that go through whatever drug withdrawals they happen to be experiencing because it does suck.  Really, it does.

Now, there’s a second reason I want to see the therapist.  I need to talk to someone who has expertise in the matters of going insane over stupid things… like love and being lonely.  I want to talk about my stress of having to make some stupid ass bitch happy.  I want to talk about my frustrations on her actions and why, though I know it’s not me or my actions, I feel inferior and sub-par.

On my mood chart, I rate it from negative numbers to 0.  0 is a great day.  Anything less than that is in the negative.  My days are usually in the negative, but they never get better than 0.  I think I have a ceiling at 0; I can’t get any higher than that.  Maybe if I see the therapist and finally find what’s illin’ me, I can break through that 0 barrier and have a “1” day.  That would be most nice.

Some friends say I should just lower my expectations and thus, my chart will become lower.  I’m NOT going to resign to mediocrity!