100th Post

Wooo hooo!!! 100th post!!

[cheer] [scream] [fireworks]

Okay, now that the celebrations are over and the crowd subsided, we can move on.

I think sundays are going to be my 'out to the bar' day. This time, it was Hero's in Fulleton, CA.

It's a nice bar, very cozy. Peanut shells on the floor (as they serve 'em oldstyle, from those cool red, white and blue bags) and the drinks very good.

As you may know, I like to go it alone to the ol' bars and taverns.. unless I'm hanging with the few friends I do have, it's all about experiencing the activities solo.

Other than the bartender not being able to serve a decent martini, it was all good. The beers on tap are numerous (over a hundred, I believe) and the food is top-notch (beef brisket sandwich for me this time).

The next time a girl starts talking to me at the bar, I'm going to ask for her number. Damn it - being the shy type doesn't help me in social situations. I could tell she wanted to talk but I wasn't really paying attention. It was the San Diego/Cleveland game, which was going pretty good.

But back to the martini. Gin martini, STIRRED not shaken VERY dry. Was it dry? No. Too much vermouth. The girls next me kept saying I should have a dirty martini. This, my friends, is sacreligious. And, I will NEVER have a dirty martini again. EVER. Between now and the day that I die I will not purposely ingest a dirty martini. There is a reason for this.

And why stirred? Because I heard it's better for gin not to be shaken as the complexity of the spirit is broken up when shaken.. so was it stirred? No. It wasn't stirred.

I couldn't drink it all, especially after the barkeep added more gin. I just couldn't. I would have fallen over if I had. But, I liked his style, his courtesy. He was a funny guy. Just enough conversation without being bothersome. That's a good bartender.

Bill came out to thirty bucks. I gave him a 10 dollar tip.

Are you still stuck on that reason? None of your business. :-)

McDonalds, You Are My Foe!

McDonalds be damned. Oh, you fiend, it is not your french fries or your pathetic Big Mac. No! It's not your stupid parfait or chicken McNuggets or your worthless salads or even your health conscious fare.

It's your goddamned McRib. The McRib sandwich that has a pre-processed pork..whatever..drenched in BBQ sauce and placed between two buns with a few pickles and onions. It is this thing you call a 'sandwich' that has me fevered.

Why, you ask? Oh, I'll tell you why.

It's because it's sooo fucking good. Have you tasted one of these gems?

I, like many millions of people, avoid the Arches like the plague. They are the symbol of an obese nation, a beacon of unhealthy choices and a gateway to the land of gluttony. But it is this time of year that the satan of foods brings upon me temptation that cannot be denied.

The McRib.

Oh the juicy, processed pork. You cannot just eat one. You have to eat two. And if you're really hungry, you can probably scarf three. This must be a ploy by McDonalds. A ploy to say, "yes, I still control you. I STILL HAVE YOUR STOMACH WITHIN MY POWER." And they do. Without even a commercial (which I've now seen, by the way), we know where these delightfully forbidden morsels are and when to expect them so that we may devour them without remorse.

If I were a god-fearing man, I would pray for forgiveness. I would repent my sin.

The only thing even close to this on any scale is, of course, McDonalds' green Shamrock shakes. And Saint Patty's Day is quickly approaching.

Oh, you have once again made life unbearable. But you will crush me, like a girl with my heart who has decided that the girl she met in yoga class is the one for her. How, you may ask?

When those delicious little sandwiches cease to be sold, again, as they are only for a limited time. And once again, I will be left in withdrawl only to have to go through this again next year.

DAMN YOU McDONALDS! DAMN YOU!

The girl who just broke up

I have to wonder -- would have I gotten laid yesterday if I had just said yes?

I'm hanging out at my local House of Blues bar cos.. well, I like it there (even though their drink prices are just attrocious). The bar was getting full and I was sitting alone but the stool next me was empty.

In walks a girl and she asks if the seat next to me was taken and, of course, I said no. There she sits, with vibrator in hand (one of those notification vibrators, okay?) and the first words out of her mouth was "this was the only bar in the area I could find.. I needed to get out NOW THAT I JUST BROKE UP". (Okay, it's a paraphrase, but I think it's really close)

I'm watching the Tigers/Cardinals game on tv and couldn't be bothered, but I asked if she was alone. And she said yes.. "I thought coming out by myself would take my mind off of BREAKING UP".

Now, she wasn't that bad.. I would give her a 6 (an LA 3). I mean, I wouldn't brag if I bagged her or anything. But, she kept repeating the fact that she just broke up.. Now, that's a major flag. I may be single, may be looking but I'm DEFINITELY not looking to be someone's little after break up fuck. Or, worse than that, the ear that has to listen to someone who's going through it -- I have my own problems. That's what friends are for - not strangers at a bar.

Her vibrator went off and she asked if I wanted to come sit with her and I declined. But, I wonder... would I have gotten laid? I betcha I would have...

Attention Deficit Disorder anyone?

I just finished reading Arianna Huffington's interview (Playboy Interview: Arianna Huffington) in the latest issue of PLAYBOY (Nov 06).

First, let me say that I don't like Ms. Huffington. I just don't. Maybe it's that accent of hers, or that I find her to be the most conservative Democrat (in fact, I thought she was a Republican - I found she was ten years ago to my suprise) alive. Even worse than Hillary Clinton.
With that said, I have to admit that I was in agreement with much of what she said in her interview. It was enlightening, telling and I do admire her stance that President Bush must be impeached.

What I want to address is not her accent, her political slant or her "blogosphere". It's her idea that mainstream media has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).
Why does the main stream media have Attention Deficit Disorder? Because the PEOPLE have attention deficit disorder.

Huffington's opinion is that we need to stick on top of a story so that the people will know and, thus, do something about the situation. The problem is that the people don't care.
Yes, the people of this nation don't give one rat's fucking ass what the government does. And what's worse -- they trust the government blindly.

She brings to point many serious situations that have occurred in the Bush Administration; the war in Iraq, Hurricane Katrina are two. She wants the Dem's to take over power in the two Houses as well as the Executive branch but it's the People that have to do that.
And the People don't care. Or should I say -- the young people don't care. Just look at the last Presidential Election's percentage of people actually voting? 215 Million people registered to vote in 2004. Of that 215 million, only 115 million voted (source: 2004 US CENSUS BUREAU). The US population is roughly 293 Million. Less than 50% of the people voted (give or take). The people that did vote were older. 55 and over were more likely to vote than those 18-24, even though there were just as many 18-24 who registered as there were 55 and over (again, US CENSUS BUREAU).

The poeple of yesteryear were more in tune with current events. And they knew - it was best because they were the ones to keep the powers that be in check. That's why the older generation is so adamant to vote. However, as you delve more into the MTV generation, there are less and less voters from them. Why? Their stance is - "it doesn't affect me." And all the while, it does affect them. They just don't see it. And they don't care.

Their attitude is why vote when it won't affect their lives. Their not scared enough or they just don't care about what goes on in the world. If it doesn't have anything to do with Nick Lachey or Jessica Simpson; or Brangelina or the newest Coach bag, they could give a shit. Neither are they voting or getting involved with what's going on in the world. Why should they?

Cos they can't be bothered. "Let someone else worry about that... give me another Redbull and Vodka please."

It's this attitude that will allow the powerful-yet-in-the-minority groups grab a foothold in the political ring (like the Jesus Camp, bible-thumping NeoCon Christian right).

When someone like Jerry Fallwell or Pat Robertson or even Ingrid Newkirk finally makes it to office and makes wild and crazy changes that will affect everyone, those of you who were too stupid to keep tabs on your world will wonder -- what the fuck just happened?

I vote - do you?

The.. bald kitty

I've noticed something rather interesting. I think it must be a trend that is more popular than I thought.

It's...

The shaving of the pussy hair.

I've noticed in all of the previous issues of Playboy that I have that most of the women presented to us in their splendor are actually either fully shaven or have very little hair left on their nether-regions.

This is... HOT.

The thing that got me thinking about this was a recent viewing of a 70's era porn. Now, you gotta love the 70's porn. They actually have much better storylines, the acting is much better and they're actually filmed on.. well.. film. None of this home video look. Of course, they didn't have home video cameras back then so, of course they look like film. I'm sure production values were much more expensive back then.

Anyway, back to the subject -- if you've seen a porno from the 70's, you'll notice that the muff on the women are sooooo full (they're like.. small trees or other foliage) and untrimmed. Whereas, looking at porn today you'll notice neatly trimmed bush or non-existent bush. Airstrips, little patches and the like are there and they're equally hot.

There's actually a need for pubic hair - it's like a filter or catcher of "stuff". It's needed for hygiene and I think it's used as an insolator. The latter I'm not sure about.

But the bald, shaven stuff is awesome and I applaud any woman who has taken a razor to their mound of happiness and taken it off. It makes for easier access, less hassle and man.. it's just good to look at.

So, pick up a Playboy and a few razors... or, go get a Brazilian wax. It might itch for a bit after shaving but hey.. it's just the cool thing to do.

Just passing through...

Something I was thinking about today while I was taking a shower --

Do chicks pee in the shower? I mean, I know guys do. It's easy, convenient and hey.. we can point the spout towards the drain and not worry about it getting all over the shower floor.

But women, it's a different story. It'd just run down their leg or something and maybe puddle around their foot but, I bet you there are girls out there that pee in the shower. Just get the hot water to spray along the tummy area and let that pressure go.

Something to think about the next time you're getting Zestfully clean.

Where I'd rather be..

Sigh. There are places I find more exciting than where I’m at now. Las Vegas. Seattle. San Diego. Chicago. Dallas. San Antonio. But not Los Angeles (and the surrounding areas). Granted, I love the Getty, MOCA, select areas of Beverly Hills, Santa Monica and Downtown. But, as a whole, I can’t stand LA. When I was in San Diego last weekend, it just felt so much more tolerable. More… entertaining. More, peaceful (even in a clubby, downtowny place like the Gaslamp district) even. And when I was in Dallas or San Antonio, those cities just rocked. My favourite though is Chicago.

See, if I wanted to, I could just pick up and leave. I have enough money to move my ass half-way across the country, find an apartment, and live for three months looking for a job. I’m sure I could find something in that period of time.

But..

I don’t. And I don’t know why I don’t. Well, I do, kinda. There’s the fear factor, which of course plays a big role in my daily decision making activities. Then there’s the website that’s being developed for the entertainment publication I produce. If that were to become successful, there’s no telling where I can go.

In downtown San Diego, the Hard Rock is building a hotel and condos. I’d love to live in one of those condos. I’m not saying that the website will make me millions, but I’m hoping that it will generate something worth the hell that I’ve put myself through for the last year.

Anyway, just a few more months. And then we’ll see what happens. I’m sooo close. Hell, I even got a screening DVD from NBC for a new show that’s coming this fall. It screened at Comic Con but how many people can say they have a copy IN HAND? Not many. Only a handful of people got to see it this thing, which by the way kicks ass. It should be NBC’s LOST. And, I request copies of movies that HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN RELEASED IN THE THEATRE yet and I get them. How cool is that?

Anyway, I digress. It isn’t about what I do anyway. It’s about where I want to be. And how much longer do I have to be here before I can move on to there. Day by day, that’s what they say. And who’s “They” anyway?

San Diego, man. San Diego. (on a side note – they’re building some cool condos in Vegas, too…!)

COMIC CON 2006

If I had to describe, in one word, Comic-Con - it would be OVERWHELMING. For the next four days, Downtown San Diego will be filled to the brim with geeks, nerds, comic book nuts and Sci-Fi guru's from around the world. Comic-Con is the largest Comic book convention on the West Coast, but it isn't just about comic books. It's also a haven for movie and television studios to launch their new releases.
One thing that ALL the studios have realised is that the comic book fanbase is HUGE. And so they're catering to this fanbase by sending in their big guns to do press, show pilots, sign autographs and woo bigtime to try and harvest the boatload of money that is within this demographic.
Besides the costume-draped kids in their Naruto and Wonder Woman costumes, the Star Trekkers and Battlestar Galacticans, you'll find a plethora of comic books for sale, software that will catalogue comics, software that will create comics and, yes, toys based off comics. But, you'll find more than that.
You'll find Lions Gate, Miramax, Sony, WB, IFC, and a host of other movie studios there to push their latest (albeit comic-related) movies. Booths to see while there - pretty much the aforementioned.
Upstairs, above the convention hall, you will find exhibit rooms showing new fare from the likes of the Sci-Fi Channel, NBC, ABC and anyone else coming out with a Sci-Fi story. Look for a show called HEROS from NBC. Looks to be a hit. But that's just my opinion. Also, from Sci-Fi Channel, EUREKA.
I hit the exhibit rooms to see the director of Azumi, Ryuhei Kitamura, talk about his influences and the filming of Azumi. Before that, I hit a discussion by David Arquette (and others) about his new movie The Tripper. There was supposed to be a film clip, but he lost it, so he pretty much told the whole plot of the movie, including the ending. Due to respect and the fact that he asked - I will not spoil it for my readers.
The highlights of the first day was the screening of RENAISSANCE. A Noirish story baed in the distant future, this ALL COMPUTER-DRAWN film is the shit. I will post up a review later. I was pretty captivated by this. Think SIN CITY meets ..hell, I don't know what else to compare it to. Completely realistic, right down to the movement of the eyes. It's black and white. And I mean, just black and just white.
But the gem was a 10.15p screening of THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED by Kirby Dick. If there is but one documentary you need to see, it would be this one. It will be released September 1st and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you see it. It is the story of the MPAA and how their control over the ratings system make or break films and their success in the box office. A group of directors speak on film about their feelings of the MPAA and how they censor, ruin or even kill movies being made today. On a side note, the MPAA gave this film an NC-17 rating. It's something you HAVE to watch if you are even remotely a fan of going to see movies. Review will be posted later.
Well, I must sleep as the next day for Comic Con is soon coming up.

Things I miss

• Bicycling down the Strand from Redondo Beach to Hermosa and Manhattan. Then ending up in Santa Monica.
• Working a job without actually working (Disneyland).
• Having lots of people to go to Vegas with.
• Being 25
• Sitting at a bar in Wellington NZ and getting piss drunk off my ass. Then walking back to my friend's flat.
• My mum.
• Driving just to drive, with a bunch of friend's crammed in the car.
• Hanging out at coffee shops.
• Being in a band.
• Not worrying whether I'll be poor or worthless or a failure.
• Not worrying that I've gotten too old.
• The touch of a woman's soft skin against my own.
• Tender kisses.
• The anxiety of seeing a girl's tits for the first time.
• Chinese food on prom night.
• Childhood friends.
• Only 7 channels on television.
• 25 cent coin op games
• Snow cones.
• The feeling I got when I watched Xanadu for the first time.
• 1982.
• Waking up next to someone I love.
• Not throwing up after drinking all night.
• Staying out late on a school night.
• Gecko's on Wednesday Nights.
• Live Bait on Thursday Nights.
• The Lighthouse on any night.

There are so many things I miss. Sometimes I wish I could relive just a few.

Should Tom Selleck be Magnum in the Movie?

Simple answer - no.

I found a blog that wants him to reprise his role in the movie.. http://selleckismagnum.blogspot.com/

Here's the comment I made (just in case he gets all 1984 and deletes it):

The problem with your proposal is that Selleck is too old to play the role; not because he can't be an action hero but Magnum P.I.'s premise was that he was young, a PI and a lady's man. Sure, he can prolly get away with the lady's man part be he ain't no spring chicken anymore. And, sure, he IS Magnum P.I. but then the story would have to change to accommodate his being older and then if you bring in Selleck, you'd have to bring in the original T.C. and the original Rick and then the original Higgins. And since they're thrown in, the original Dobermanns, too (and, speaking of dog-years, they'd be ancient by now).

I mean, have you seen those Mastercard commerials that brought back old tv characters (esp. the one with MacGyver's Richard Dean Anderson? I thought that was extra cool but, man, he's OLD!)

Then, what about the A-Team movie? Are we going to petition that they bring in Mr. T as BA Barracus? Cos NO ONE should be able to play BA other than Mr. T. And Miami Vice - Colin Ferrell as Sonny? Only Don Johnson should be Sonny Crocket. Seeing Colin in one of those suits just made it.. wrong.

But, they did it anyway.

It's time to let the new generation have their own Magnum PI. We had Selleck - they can have... hmm.. who'd make a good Magnum?

Guy Pearce?
Jake Gyllenhaal?
Yeah, I can see Ben Affleck as Magnum...
David Hasselhoff? (Just kidding!)

And don't get me started on the whole Knight Rider movie.

Sorry, but no vote here.

Customer Service Sucks!

When I was younger, the people working in the stores were definately older, more respectful and, shit(!), they actually knew what the hell they were doing. Fast-forward 10 years and bam! You have Screech, only 10x more stupid, asking you, "what would you like in you Happy Meal, sir?"

Where I am leading this debacle of an entry is here - Where did my customer service go? Did it just up and leave when NAFTA was passed? Did it decide to go to the EU because there were better paying jobs? Or was it that the French were just better at treating Customer Service with respect? I don't know but I want some decent customer service back.

When you have a Mickey D's filled to the brim with kids running around trying to make burgers and another kid not much older supervising this Three Stooges display of sadness, you have to wonder -- how do businesses stay.. well.. in business? I am a great proponent of HS kids getting a summer job at Disneyland or Knott's Berry Farm but if you give them a flame broiler or a cash register - forget about it (I think I'll exempt both Disney and Knott's on that - their training is actually pretty good).
I think I'm rambling a bit - let me try to focus.

Take this story - I was in a McD's and the place was just packed. Kids after school congregating in their new place of loiter. Yet, there are kids behind the counter trying to make orders as well. Unfortunately, they are unable to service the kids wanting food because they cannot figure out their priorities. Stupid.

Another example. I'm at this thing in Pasadena - held at the Rose Bowl - and I'm actually VIP (or at least I thought I was), and I'm looking to get my VIP wrist band thingy so that I can get my two free water-downed beers and a pretzel. Asking the stupid security guy (in his late teens, maybe.. maybe early 20's) who I talk to to get this wrist band thingy and he straight up says, "I dunno". "Maybe it's that woman over there with the big hat."

Thanks Sherlock. Why don't you go fill up your pipe and stick it up your ass.

Or going to Wendy's and not getting what I asked for. Then having to go back and yell at the manager because his crew is utterly useless to the general public.

Or going to Borders Bookstore and asking for a video game that I can clearly point out but the chick who probably started oh.. two minutes before (it seems) can't get the friggin' key right and then has to ask six-dozen times after the first.. "Which one again?"

You want to know who has great customer service? IN-N-OUT burger, for a fast food chain. Besides having the best burgers in Southern California (and I dare say anywhere in the contiguous US, Hawaii and Alaska), their top-notch service is rather swell.

Other than that, service at dining joints like MORTON'S is the only place you'll find EXCELLENT customer service. They're smart enough not to hire stupid kids (or people for that matter).
Now, I'm sure there are places that have great service and employ HS'ers and young adults. They're just few and far between. And it's not limited to food joints and record stores.

Hot Topic - stupid kids AND wanabe goth's.Game Spot/EB - Stupid kids AND geeks (that's almost an oxymoron even).The GAP - Stupid kids who are actually STUPID AND STUCK UP.Blockbuster Video - ...yeah, I wish they actually hired people that knew a turd's worth of movie info. They can barely rub their head and pat their stomach's.

Now, don't take this as being racist - but what's worse than kids working to serve the public is minority kids who wreck the English language asking you if you vant flies wi dat? NO! I don't want flies with that.

Maybe, the problem is that these people have NO CLUE what work ethic is. Maybe they're leisurely passing the 4 long hours they have to be on their lame ass shift just to make $25 (before taxes) a day so that they can blow it on the next AFI or HIM CD. Who cares that they're what makes their establishment look like ass.

With customer service plunging at an alarming rate, it's no matter why the internet is a better option to purchase everything from DVDs to Twinkies.

Poker Stars, babe-EE

It's been awhile but.. I've been too busy. But not busy enough for :

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 2485533

Classic!

I wish I could do stuff like this for people who fucked me over... Hmm... [thinking]

I've got pictures.... anyway.. check out this blog -

Click here. Some dude bought a laptop off of eBay.. the problem - laptop was broken.. The solution?

Take the fucker's HD and post what's on it on BLOGGER.

Price of LT - £375
Getting revenge - PRICELESS

Is it me.. Or.. is this man a FREAK!?

Click here for Story.

Is it me or is Pat Robertson a fucking lunatic?

Instead of taking out the President of Venezuela, Pat Robertson should be taken out.

And, instead of divine retrobution, Pat Robertson should be given a stroke. Because if a god truly existed, I'm sure he would love to smite out this petulent punk ass.

Pat Robertson, YOU are a fucking ass.

Podcasting

I'm taking a dive into the podcasting community.

Check it out...

It's Been Awhile..

It's been awhile since my last post and I thought I'd at least put something in here.

I've been rather... busy (just a little.. one can only do so much when unemployed). I've actually been rather involved in MySpace (heaven forbid!) with my three different pages along with my magazine and some other stuff.

In the last week I've seen 4 or 5 movies.. All of them pretty much crap. I've got a DVD in my computer at the moment (TAMARA) that I've been meaning to watch.

The best though was AN AMERICAN HAUNTING, not because it was a good movie (because it wasn't) but because MR. MOVIE FONE was in the screening with me (and three other people to see it).

Anyhoo, I can't wait for next Saturday as it's all about the Beatles' A HARD DAYS NIGHT. Showing at the Alex in Glendale. I really like that theatre - it's very quaint, though the seats are too small. Of course, the people that it was built for were considerably smaller, too. Oh and the fact that I'm ordering some ABSINTH for my own personal consumption. Should be good! Gotta love the absinth.

It's Easter Baby!

It strikes be funny that on the eve of Easter, I have a daft conversation with a Born Again.  

As a Born Again, I think one should not only be fervent for their god and religion, but also at least know what the hell they’re talking about when they do talk.  

Now, Easter bunnies, eggs and all of that are hooey; they have nothing to do with Jesus or Passover or anything that has to do with Christian belief.  So, where did they come from?

From what I understand, they originate from different rituals and Pagan beliefs where the rabbit symbolizes birth and fertility and all of that as well as the egg – another symbol of fertility.  So, the bunny ain’t layin’ no eggs, it’s just carryin’ em… dat’s all.

How it got lumped in with Passover, I don’t know.  Well, maybe because it’s Springtime, for Jesus (sing it along with that fabulous Mel Brooks show.. you know which one).

And to address another thing – NO, ATHEISTS DON’T BELIEVE IN SATAN.  I don’t know where you people think that (as she, the born again did) but we don’t.  We would have to believe in a god, first.  And how she believes that god is white with blue eyes, I have no clue.  How do you come to that conclusion?  Did god not make man in his own image?  Then why the fuck am I not white with stunning blues?  Gimme a god damn bleach kit and some contacts!

Whatever.  Did you know that in, I believe, six states, it’s against the law to serve in office if you’re an atheist??  Talk about prejudice!

Anyway, Happy Easter foo’s.  

Wow. The Six Month Mark

Wow.  

It’s been six months now since the split between me and the ex.  I can’t believe that the time has passed so quickly.  Yes, I still think of her but it’s more in the line of how much she was just a whore or how she missed out and that in the end she’ll be more miserable.  My pining ended long ago.   Don’t get me wrong though, I do still think we would have made a brilliant couple.  That I can’t deny.  More so than she and her (alleged) homosexual husband.

Since I no longer work it means I no longer have health insurance, which means I no longer have a shrink.  But, that’s okay.  I’ve realized that no matter how much I know I’m right in this situation, it doesn’t and won’t change anything.  It’s like when someone takes revenge on someone and ends up taking their life or something of the sorts.  Does it really change anything afterwards?  Nope.  I just have to live with the knowledge that sometimes nothing works out the way it should no matter how much it should have or that no matter how much I knew I was right I was still left with nothing.

Well, that’s enough of that.

The trials and tribulations of not having a job continue.  Sleeping in has its advantages.

MySpace?

So I'm on MySpace now, though I'm not going to give you my URL for it. I am, however, going to share a project I worked on. I was the still photographer for a movie shoot called THE DANNY MCKAY PROJECT. Click on the linky:




So check it out - join if you want.. if you know me you can join my friends. If not, you can guess and join everyone who's a friend of the DMP.

Two days into being jobless

Two days into not having a job and I’m more busy now than I was when I was working.  This is what happens when you go from your real job to your “other” job.  

I walked away from my boring, useless job and turned to something that is scary, new and not stable.  And it passes the day a lot better than any job I’ve ever had.  I can’t keep up.  I find myself juggling so many things, calling and emailing so many people and trying to keep track of everything without having to backtrack for an hour.  I managed to email a few different people the same thing because I couldn’t remember if I had contacted these people earlier in the day.  

I’ve never had to be this organized before.  Now, I find that I can’t do anything unless I’m more organized.  

I’m calling publicists, writers and promoters.  I’m calling the people who run the Arclight, AFI and the representatives of Tribeca.  I’m shooting the shit with people who work for the most famous people on the planet and hoping I can get a screening of their movies after it all.  It’s all very new to me.

It’s all very scary.

But I like it.

I’m learning something new every day and I find myself becoming excited.  At the end of the day I’ve juggled so many things and pushed something from Point A to Point B.  I got complimented from someone I’ve never met but have jumped through hoops to get her what she wanted just so that she’ll work for me in the future.  

And just last week, I was working a cushy 40-hour workweek sitting on my ass surfing the Net.  Today, I hardly have time to shit.

And in the end, I’m no longer trapped by the 40-hour workload.  I’m no longer trapped being told what to do by stupid people who are running the company I worked for into the ground.  I’m no longer worried about running into that faggot husband of the Ex whom I hold more hatred for than anything on the planet.  

And, in the end, I hold just one thought that keeps me grounded.  This thought?

Just what the fuck AM I doing??!

My last post from work.

This will be my last entry from work.  It has been a blast.  

They’re actually kicking me out of the office a week early because, they say, there isn’t enough room for me while they remodel the office.  

So, to those I’ve given this address to that I knew before.  Take your time, read through the last year and try and figure out whom I’m talking about.  

Wow.. I’m kinda sad.  This is rather depressing.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster!

I just may become a convert. I found out about this little religion after reading about the Arch Bishop of Canterbury saying he doesn’t believe creationism should be taught in schools.

Click Here.

FSM, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, is yet another incarnation of a great powerful being that created the universe and all the laws of nature. When scientists measure the age of things, the FSM will change the readings to make sure we think the earth is older than it really is. The FSM (and the resulting religion of Pastafarianism) states that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the mountains, trees and… a midget. This is my understanding, anyway, as I am new to this enlightening way of thought. Also, if you don’t become a pirate, you will make him mad. As a result of fewer pirates throughout the ages, global warming has increased.

See chart. (Because HOT LINKING is good)

To “balance” the teaching of ID (Intellectual Design) in schools, the fine people who spread the Word of FSM thought it would only be fair and educational that students subjected to ID should also be subjected to FSM AND evolution. Taken from a letter to different school boards:

I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

It seems FSM has taken on a large cult following. It also seems to me that this school of thought is just as valid as any other religious school. Christianity, Islam, Greek Mythology all are on par with Pastafariism (I’m only guessing that that’s how it’s spelled or called).

I haven’t seen any other rules or guidelines to this new religion but I dare say it seems to be the most liberal, even beyond the Episcopalian values. It also seems the least hypocritical. And the followers are much better looking, younger and more hip.

So, sign me up, give me a pirate suit and call me a Pastafarian… ARR!

Let His Noodly Appendage touch thee!

** This just in - THEY'RE RELEASING A BOOK! Check them out on Amazon.com.

Wow Ten days to go.

Wow.  Ten days to go.  It’s almost here.  My exit from the corporate world.  It’s becoming more and more real each day, as co-workers ask me when my departing date is or what I’m going to do after I’m out of here.   It’s all very weird.

Johnny Depp

I find Johnny Depp most fascinating.  His portrayal of John Wilmot in The Libertine (2004) is so… Depp.  He always tackles roles that are out of the way, intellectual and stunning.  If I were a gay man, I’d be licking the television screen to taste his utmost in sexual power.  He is charismatic, honest, dirty.  I’m glad I’m watching an Oscar screener at home and not sitting in the theatre embarrassed by my fascination.  The only bad thing about watching an Oscar screener is that it has THE WEINSTEIN COMPANY tattooed at the top of the screen, along with the code number so that, if I were to ever sell this out on the street, they’d know it was me that did it, not that I’d ever sell/give/trade this screener away.  I really like this movie thus far.  

In Libertine, I see that there are two actors from a British comedy called Coupling, a rather hilarious show.  They tried it here in the States without success.  I’m surprised that the Office made it this far.  

Anyway, this does not make me gay.  At least I hope not.  Well, I know I’m not gay but a man like Depp will sometimes make you wonder.

Yahoo! Answers Rocks

So, I’ve become quite addicted to Yahoo! Answers.  It’s a Beta service that Yahoo put out where people ask the stupidest questions and you get points for answering them.  It’s 2 Pts per question answered.  If someone picks your answer as the best, you get 10 pts.  If someone votes your answer as a good one, you get 1 pt.  If you ask a question, it costs you 5 pts.  

Seriously, you can sit on there for hours just answering stupid questions, pointing out the stupidity of others.  Sometimes, I’ll actually give people a good answer but most of the time I’m just there to point out how people can’t spell, or there questions are lame or just, in general, try to be funny.  I especially like the questions dealing with religion, life on other planets or philosophy.  I like trying to be the first to answer the questions but other times, I just need to jump in after I’ve read everyone’s lame-ass answers.  Then I’ll come in and ridicule the person asking the question as well as the other people who’ve answered.  It makes me feel like a real man.  

So, checking the stats of other people, there are actually people on there that have point totals in excess of 25,000 pts.  I have almost 900.  I’ve been on it for two weeks. I wonder how often these people are on there to have amassed over 25k pts??  And I thought I was a loser.

You should definitely check it out – http://answers.yahoo.com.  You’ll need an account over at Yahoo, but don’t let that stop you.  

Cheating, the Radio and me!

So yesterday, I was listening to one of the local talk-radio stations while driving out to Los Angeles and on the show was the producer of Cheaters, the television show that catches cheaters in the act, blah blah blah.  So, they’re talking about how people got caught cheating and one of the loser hosts on the show says (paraphrasing), you know, cheating isn’t THAT bad.  You can forgive.  So, I call.  And I ask the dude, what about this situation where the woman cheating leaves her husband for the guy she’s cheating on (me), lives with him for almost a year but then goes back to the husband who takes her back?  The words I hear?  “What a doormat!”  “Yeah, he’s probably really needy.” I started laughing.  I mean, come on.  There are situations where, yes, you can forgive the spouse for cheating on you.  Let’s say the spouse has a few incidents of cheating where maybe they saw a few different people on different business trips.  Or maybe, just a few times going out and they were in a good situation.  

But NEVER when you know the dude she’s cheating on you with!  Or when it’s over a year-long or when she MOVES IN with him!  

I find it funny that people can say.. oh yeah, the cheatee can forgive the cheater.   There are stipulations.  Forgiveness is never full and trust never returns.  I know.  I’ve been cheated on.  I had a GF who cheated on me with my best friend.  Twice.  I forgave her the first time but the second time I dumped her ass.  But, not quickly.  I told her we’d wait until our 2nd year anniversary (which was soon coming) before I broke up with her.  And, I broke up with her on that day.  It boggles my mind how she never broke up with me, knowing it was inevitable.  I guess she had hopes that I would stay.  

So, I know what it’s like to be cheated on who cheated with a friend.  And I know I’ll never forgive the next girl that would cheat on me, regardless if it’s a new relationship, a long-term or even in marriage.  That chick is gone.  And, if it’s with someone who I know, they better buy a wheelchair before I find them because once I do, they’ll definitely need it.  

I’ll always think of the husband and how much of a loser and how weak he is.  And then I’ll think of her and think of how much I wasted my time and how they both deserve the misery they’ll have with each other.  

Onto other notes…

I’m writing a script.  Yeah, us Hollywood wanabe’s need to keep busy by writing yet another script.  Maybe I’ll post it on here when I’m finished.  

It’s about a guy… who loses a girl… who was married… (You see where this is going, don’t you?)

I decided to take aspects of what I knew and write it into a screenplay.  Of course, the ending isn’t as sad as what I went through but it isn’t a happy one either.  It’s more macabre, really.  It involves a gun and that’s all I’ll write.  But, I’ve written about a quarter of it already.  It’s about Jason, who’s still coping a few months after a break up with a woman he fell in love with, Rachel.  When Rachel asks to see him for one last time, things turn for the worst for Jason.  

We’ll see where it goes from there.  I wonder what my shrink will think.

What Comic Retards

I’ve had enough.  Enough of this whining and moaning that the Muslims are being dissed by this STUPID Danish cartoon.  Now, I haven’t seen the cartoons and I’ve looked all over the net for them.  I’d really like to see what the hub-bub is all about.

So, this week, there was a showing at UC Irvine of the cartoons (along with other racially abhorrent ones) in question to stimulate a discussion amongst different faiths and creeds.

It turned into a bash-o-rama.  People were getting pissed, getting all butt-hurt and angry… what the fuck, people?  Can’t you just move along and get over it?  It’s like everyone’s dissin’ on yo mama or something.  

Please.  Listening to NPR, I heard a comment from someone saying that free speech may be  protected but with that right comes responsibility. That these cartoons shouldn’t be shown because they will provoke violence, hate and racism (or religious intolerance of some sort) is just ludicrous.  First, if I make something that potentially insults, angers or otherwise makes you think – regardless of its negativity – those should not be grounds for it to not be created or shown.  The other side of the above statement is that one should not be provoked so easily by something that may insult you.  If you have any restraint, respect or responsibility, you would simply ignore it or, if you have to, calmly comment on it and then move on.  

What gets me are those people that get all fucking bent, yell and scream about the issue and then burn down a billboard or smash a bus.  All the cartoonist did was create a comic.  Though he had no intent of inciting worldwide violence (and even if he did), all he did was create a comic.  It’s those that reacted to it that caused the violence, caused the uproar, caused themselves to become emotionally imbalanced to the whole thing.  If they were responsible, caring and faithful, they would simply ignore it and move on.

But what about all the hate it would generate against them?  Don’t you think the Muslim community is getting more hate brought on by their actions?  If they had just sat by, accepted it, condemned it and moved on this wouldn’t be happening.  They are the ones that made it more evil than it really is.

I, for one, am comfortable in my faith (I faithfully believe that there is no god).  If you call me a monkey, ape, Satanist, whatever.. So what?  I know what or who I am.  What you say about me isn’t going to change who I am or what my outlook is.  It’s not going to make my life anymore different.  So why the fuck should I care?  And if I don’t do anything about it, it goes away.  It’s that simple.  

If the Muslim community would have just let it go and not make a fuss, this would be a dead issue.  People in the world can go on and live another day and not have to worry about possibly getting killed because of some stupid cartoon.  

Just another ‘Yo Mama..’ situation.  

Gotta love the stupid and ignorant.  Put that energy to better use.  Plant a tree or something.  Jeezus!

Let's discuss life.

Everyone.  Just stop.  Yes, stop.  Let’s take a look for a minute at…

Life.

Yes, life.  Did I stutter?

As I was haphazardly driving down the street singing along to some Depeche Mode song (or was it Death Cab?  I can’t remember) I was looking around and I just had this feeling that…

There is absolutely no purpose for us being alive.  
None.  Nada. Zilch.

Well, one – to procreate.  Other than that, there are no extraordinary reasons why we are on this dirt mound called earth.  We’re just a biological accident that occurred millions of years ago.  But, at least it was a “happy accident”.  Otherwise, I’d be writing this blog to no one (well, I think I’m doing that now.  But, there’s potential that someone will read this).

But, what about the birds, bees, trees, giraffes and hippopotamuses (shouldn’t that be hippopotami? Eh.. Who cares)?  They were happy accidents too.  

Of course, you have to give in to the notion that a) there is no god and b)… well, there is no b).  

Of course, along with this feeling is also the notion that nothing has a reason for happening.  It happens just because.  The notion that everything happens for a reason is absurd.  I’d love to believe in Karma.  To think, someone I know who has shat upon me will get the shaft later in this life or in the next life as a fly on a piece of shit kinda makes me feel all warm and fuzzy but let’s face it… Murphy’s Law has a better chance of working out (ie: people who shit on me win the Lotto, whereas I’d probably get hit by a bus).  

I probably didn’t squash your whole ideal of life.  I probably even pissed you off to blatantly say god doesn’t exist or that life has absolutely no meaning.  As long as you don’t go off on me like some Muslim defending Allah, it should all be just fine.  

Oh, please don’t pray for me.  It’s a waste of your time and I’m sure god is attending to other more pressing matters anyway.

Just a thought...

I feel like my life is somehow.. restricted.  Like I’m in prison or something.

It makes me crave the end of life, as opposed to the continuation of it.

How sad is that?

I keep trudging along.

I miss my friendships

While I was watching Station Agent last night it reminded me that the best times I’ve had were with friends just sitting around, talking about stupid shit and not really doing anything.  Those were good times.  I really miss that.  I had good friends once.  I mean, I still do, but not ones where we’re able to just get together and chill..

I mean, do you ever just sit around with your peeps, watch tv or listen to a CD and just say stupid shit for no reason – maybe it was a response to the radio or the tv or maybe it was just something off the top of your head or maybe you started a small discussion on the art of farting or something.

I miss my friendships.  

Virtual Primal Scream Therapy..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



AHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  

WHAT  THE  MOTHER  FUCKING  SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHH!!!!


FUCKING GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



…better…

Just Another Sunday Night..

Grey’s Anatomy is probably my most favorite show on television.  It’s sad to say but I wait week to week for every Sunday to roll round just so I can see one more episode.  I watch it not because of the three hotties, Katherine Heigl, Ellen Pompeo or Sandra Oh.  Nor do I watch it because I love the work of Patrick Dempsey.  No, I watch it because it continually reminds me of my life and what had happened and, subsequently, the pain that arose from it.  

Tonight’s episode really hit.  It was one of those where you hoped that she was watching too because it would only drive the point home more.  

How does it feel to love another, whilst having the child of a man you don’t love?  How does it feel knowing that your life will always be filled with that tinge of wonder… the wonder of a life with someone else?  How does it feel to have to lie to yourself, knowing that the perfect man got away?  

I had hope.  If she had never gotten pregnant, I would still hope each and every day that she would come back to me.  That, against all possibility and probability, she would end up leaving her husband and coming to me, because he doesn’t really love her.  And she doesn’t really love him.  Hope is something you should never abandon.  But, on the same token, you should never rely on hope as it will surely fail you in the end.  

My shrink tells me that this will affect me for a long time.  Why?  Because I pretty much placed all my eggs in that basket.  I hoped and wanted so much for us to work and I had placed all of myself into her and that this won’t soon go away.  Yes, I hate her.  But hate is just another emotion, no matter how negative.  It is still undue emotion that is being spent on her.  And each and every Sunday I am reminded of that emotion as Dr. Grey and Dr. Shepherd dance around coyly their true feelings for one another.  That they are two people that love each other and should be together but aren’t because of circumstances.  

And what Grey’s mom had said – I wish he just had enough balls to leave… that he’d rather see her kick him out than just leave. Yeah… if only…

Yes, I love Grey’s Anatomy.  It’s a great drama.  It’s entertaining and yes, I like the cast.  I also love it because it doesn’t allow me to forget.  I like that.  

Eli Roth - An Interview

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Im disgusted.

I’m disgusted.

At the last minute, I was denied my education.  Due to a problem I didn’t even know was there, I was denied admittance to the undergrad program at a university in New York.

How fucked up is that?  Had I known about the problem, I wouldn’t have submitted those transcripts for review.  Jesus Christ, what a fucking downer! After the initial shock and dismay I just became so livid I almost fucking broke something.  

A simple setback.  A minor roadblock.  I won’t let this get me down.  It’s not like my life has ended here.  There are other schools.  Unfortunately, I may have to start over.  This is the only bothersome tidbit for me.  

Just fucking livid.

Fuck!

The Last Day...

The Last Day..

31st March 2006.  It’s a Friday.  Sunrise for that day is 5:43am.  Sunset is 6:13pm.  By the time the last of the sun sets below the horizon line, I shall either be well on my way to getting my drink on or somewhat inebriated already.  I will toast to the job that has ended and embrace the new endeavours that will begin.  

I am not excited by the set date.  I’m, in fact, quite scared.  The past nine years I have woken up each morning at a set time, got ready and found myself at the place of my employment.  I have been very loyal to my employer, very faithful.  I am now jumping ship, if you will, abandoning the longest employment run of my life.

I can only compare this to a marriage.  Though I’ve never been married, I can honestly say it’s like one.  You make acquaintance, get to know and become comfortable with the job.  You spend a lot of time there, more time than anywhere else you can think of.  You commit to it, make plans around it.  You give yourself to it as it gives to you for your commitment (salary).  And now, I’m divorcing it.  Moving on to something better.  Taking a chance on something that may never pan out.  But I’m taking the chance.  Those that take chances in life are more rewarded than those who don’t.  You never know what could have lain ahead if you never took the chance to find it.  Those that take the easy way will never know the brilliance, the joy of risk.  Even in failure, risk is good.  You learn about yourself and your shortcomings and strengths.  You learn from them and succeed elsewhere.  

Thinking back to the ex, I feel she didn’t take the risk, the risk of being with another whom she loved and was loved back by.  She took the easy way because fear is comfortable.  But it’s also a hindrance, an excuse not to learn, an excuse not to experience life.  Her husband, too.  He didn’t take the chance to find himself, to better himself.  He simply took her back as the easy solution to a complicated problem.  What he could have done was move on, better himself and find it inside him the strength to change for the better.  Instead, he not only failed himself, he failed those around him.  Both of them are losers, weak and failing.  And that is why I am so much better than they can ever be.

I still have a long way to go, but I’m on the right track to becoming someone better.  I’ve moved on and am always trying to find the ways and means to become a better person.  Looking within myself and to others for guidance, fulfillment and strength.  I change because I want to.  I adapt because I can.  

I hate happy endings

They're for fools.

You know you're smug when...

You know you’re smug when…

You watch a commercial where a Jeep is underwater and think to yourself that you know cars can’t be underwater but look for the disclaimer to tell stupid people that same sentiment.

Yeah… there was a disclaimer.

Fucking stupid people.

Piper Perabo

Who remembers Piper Perabo from Coyote Ugly? Here's an interview in the latest 213 magazine...

(213): Do you believe in love at first sight?

PIPER PERABO: Yeah, I believe in love at first sight. I do. I think every time I've fallen in love, even if I didn't admit it to myself right in that first moment, when I looked back - I knew it from the start that I loved that person.

(213): Imagine Me & You throws a curve ball into the whole "happily ever after" notion. Do you believe in happily ever afters?

PP: I think it is not that simple. I think ever after is a long time and happy is a kind of narrow description of a life. I wouldn't want to just be happy. I want to be interested and challenged. I believe in great relationships that bring a lot to your life for a long time. I think happily ever after is a little narrow.

(213): Any similarities between Piper Perabo and your Imagine Me & You character: Rachel?

PP: We actually don't have very much in common, except that both of us might marry Matthew Goode if given the chance. Other than that, she and I are very dissimilar.

(213): You're a Jersey girl. How long did it take for you to get the English accent together?

PP: I had done it once before in a small film - an English accent. I went to England about a month and a half early and started working on the voice work for the film. I was still working on it up through and during the picture. I did a lot of work actually - not interesting in any way, but time consuming.

(213): Having been in character for so long, do you find yourself breaking the old English out every now and then?

PP: I do actually. It is so lame drama student, but I really like accents and I find them kind of infectious, even if I can't do them well, I can't help but try them out like somebody else's clothes.

(213): Your starring debut was in Jerry Bruckheimer's Coyote Ugly, which is obligated to have the superficial things associated with a Disney blockbuster. Imagine Me & You is bare by comparison. Is there a line of frankness that you are careful not to cross?

PP: No, if anything I want to be on that line of frankness. I very much enjoy playing real characters who are worried about other people's feelings and there isn't an obvious villain, that life is confusing and heartbreaking and wonderful. To me, that is much more interesting to play.

(213): Is London as cold and bleak as it looks on TV?

PP: I think Primrose Hill, which is where we were shooting, is actually so beautiful - those row houses and all the colors. We shot in the fall, so it is very crisp. It stopped raining. It is after the summer, but the cold yuckiness hasn't started yet, and there's this kind of crisp, colorful, witty snap to the place that I think Ol really captures. It is a great backdrop for a fast, witty, little film.

(213): What initially intrigued you about Imagine Me & You?

PP: This may sound horrible, but initially, Thandie Newton was going to play Lena Headey's role. I'm a big fan of her work. People I'm a fan of, I am constantly saying to every single person I meet that if you know anybody who can get me into the film, I want to work with so and so or so and so. And I've always wanted to work with Thandie Newton, so the first time the script came up - more than a year before we actually made it - they said that there was a part in the Thandie Newton film and did I want to try it. I read it and then Thandie didn't do it, but I was now obsessed with the script itself. It's funny and romantic. American romantic comedies are either really funny, but not really that romantic, or big love stories with jokes that fall flat. This one is both, which is well balanced and hard to do.

(213): After the success of Coyote Ugly, you must have been atop everyone's hot list. Why didn't you exploit that and make more mainstream studio films?

PP: I was a little intimidated by Coyote Ugly. It was only my third movie and it was really a level of production and work that I was not aware even existed, let alone try and execute something of that size was intimidating. I was a theater student, waitressing in New York. It was big. So I needed to get back into my own body a little bit and get my center of gravity back down and remember who I was for a minute and why I was doing it. Léa Pool's script, which I did next, Lost and Delirious spoke to me immediately. There was a pile of things that I was reading and I meant to read it one night and finish it in the morning, but I stayed up all night and finished it and read it again, sort of sobbing and loving it. I thought, "This is how I will find myself again."

(213): Were you surprised as the success of Cheaper by the Dozen?

PP: Not that much. Steve Martin is a genius - in many respects, not just acting. He's a really intelligent artist and very competent and able to carry a picture of that size, sort of bombastic, wild, bizarre hugeness. People need that kind of movie. You need a movie that you can take your whole family to at Christmas and everybody can go and not have half the family wishing they were in the other theater.

(213): The studio made the obvious sequel. Did you enjoy the process more the second time around?

PP: The first one making so much money didn't make me relax. Adam Shankman, who made the second one, is a good director. It was interesting to work with him. Also, to work with actors a second time - you know them already. You have a little history with them, so you're not just starting from the opening notes. You're kind of starting further on because you have some knowledge of each other. So it was kind of easier with all the same people in the same family. You have a little family history and that helps.

(213): Cheaper by the Dozen 2 made a ton of money. Since Cheaper by the Dozen seems like a license to print money, will you do a third?

PP: They haven't spoken to me about that.

(213): That's a yes.

PP: The kids are all growing up. We would have to start soon. I don't know how we would do that.

(213): Pull a Matrix and shoot three and four back to back.

PP: I like children, but I don't know about that.

(213): Did you enjoy dipping your toe into action films with The Cave?

PP: I enjoyed working with those actors. It was difficult because we were in Romania and it was physically grueling and very uncomfortable. It was dirty and dark and cold, Romania. It was challenging.

(213): You were a member of the National Honor Society and graduated summa cum laude from OU. You're a total nerd. You give hope to all young nerdy girls that they too can grow up a hottie.

PP: Thanks. I am still kind of a nerd. I don't know. I just hope that all, not just the nerdy girls, I hope everybody can eventually feel OK about who they are. It is hard when you're young.

I did it!

Well… I did it.  I went into HR this morning and told the manager that I’m takin’ the easy way out – give me my money please!  

This will end a near 10-year run on my corporate career ladder.  Up until now, I’ve been dreading the trek each and every morning to this place.  Though I’ve found solitude at times (most recently, actually) in coming here, I feel that I’m better off in the long run not setting foot here anymore.  Though it will be awhile before I actually do get the pink slip (maybe a month or so), I am content knowing that my life will change after leaving this place.  

In the last year and a half, it’s gone from okay to cah-cah to put-a-gun-to-my-head so quickly I don’t know how I coped.  I just hope that my future brings something more memorable.

A quick note – I just want to thank my friends that have listened to all my bullshit through the past few months.  Without them, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore.  And I mean that literally.  At least I would have done it pretty SoCal style – something like a freeway chase and a police shootout… Go out in a blaze of glory, that’s what I always say.  

Why does this feel like I’m saying goodbye or that I’m accepting an award for something?  

I need a vacation.  I think I’m going to Vegas after I leave work.  I need a few days away.

A slow journey

I tell myself everyday that I need to forget.  But my mind does not want to just yet.  I am going though inner turmoil because my consciousness and my brain are on two different wavelengths (figuratively).

It makes me sad.  The angrier I get the more I want to die.  

And I’ve been excessively angry these past few days.  

The more I feel used, lied to and taken advantage of, the more I just want to either fuck them over somehow or just die.  

Loss takes you through some pretty fucked up feelings.  It’s an emotional roller coaster I never want to experience again for a while.  I believe that not everyone has ever felt this way.  Be it through a loss of a loved one, a loss of a true love, whatever, only those that have truly lost know how I feel.  

The dark places I’ve been included the thoughts of suicide.  It’s not just over a woman.  It’s over a woman I gave myself to and ended up losing myself after she left.

So, when people say I should just let go and move on have never lost on this level.  So, until you have been my shoes, you’ll never understand what it means to have truly lost.  Regardless of the level of deceit she managed to attain, I still loved her.

And this is why I am so angry.  

All I can say is that I hope to see her in hell.

My 60th post!

My 60th post. How neet.


I just got confirmation that the ex is indeed pregnant.

Get this - her husband told someone he doesn't even like and hasn't talked to in monhts who didn't even know they were back together that she was pregnant. Why the fuck would he do anything like that? What a fucktard. In turn, he told her wife who told a friend who told me.

It's just amazing -- how the fuck will this make their relationship any better? I'm absolutely dumbfounded.

Well, like I said... it's not my concern. They're both idiots for sure to bring into this fucked up world a child out of their own selfish need to make their fucked up relationship work. I feel sorry for her but not as much as I do for that child.

Downsizing is in the air

Downsizing is in the air.

First, Ford.  Then Daimler-Chrysler.  Now, the little company I work for.

The industry I work in has been comfortable for many years.  The company I work for dominated it for as long as I can remember.  Unfortunately, that is no longer the case.  Now, with digital imaging and the way it’s grown exponentially, our place as Top Dog has eroded.

So, voluntary resignations are being taken, with the hope that those of us who sacrifice ourselves for the greater good of the company will allow those who decide to take the risk of staying will get to stay for the long-term.

I am one of those that is seriously considering the act of goodwill.  

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t just up and quit for the good of my company-kind.  That would be most stupid of me.  A job, no matter how long it may last, is still a job and money is much needed in my life.  That’s why the severance package my company is offering is so attractive.

19 weeks pay.
$5,000 on top of that.
Accrued vacation and sick pay.
Plus, I get laid-off status, which will allow me to collect unemployment.

So, I can go on unemployment, collect 19 weeks worth of pay and slowly look for a job.  Fortunately, I have a side gig.  That gig is producing a indie movie zine.  Yes, I’m in the publishing business.  

With the advertising we generate, the money is slowly coming in.  Not as fast as I’d like but it’s coming in.  But, because of my full-time gig, I can’t put in as much time in the mag as I’d like so this would afford me that.

And, I’m going to start school soon.  If I start school, I can use the five grand for that, plus the government loans and stuff.  It would allow me to stop paying for the school loans I currently have as they’d become deferred again… which is good because I just don’t see the need to pay off my school loans just yet.  Not that they’re outrageous or anything.  

This is a dead-end job.  What with my reputation as a homewrecker and the fact that I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my tenure… I have nowhere else to go here.  I’ve even been told by management that my name has a great stigma attached to it… so what’s keeping me here?  

The fear of change is, of course, there.  The fear of losing security is also present.  But, the opportunity to go back to school, expand my zine and become a self-sufficient man is also very appealing.  I just don’t do well in the corporate world.  I no longer work well with stupid management not knowing what the fuck they’re talking about.  Talking to someone who’s talking out their ass is really disturbing.

It’s time to move on.  Things are happening in the world and they’re not waiting for me to catch up.  I need to grab on now before I’m too far back and not able to get with it.  

And another good reason – the ex’s husband still works here.  Though I haven’t seen or run into him in the last so many months, the chance is still there that it will happen.  I just can’t stand him.  In fact, it would take all the strength I have to just not kick him in the balls or something.  

This is not good.

So, severance package here I come.  It’ll be so nice to be able to wake up and not have to go anywhere.

On a side note –

The ex is no longer a concern for me.  I believe her to be pregnant now (don’t ask me how I know).  This concludes the roller coaster that was my pining over her.  I’ve lost all respect for her.  I’ve lost all affection for her.  Now… it’s just resentment, regret and pity.  To have a child in the midst of a relationship such as theirs is like reaching for straws while sinking in quicksand.  Say you get one.. yeah, you’ll be able to breath a bit but what happens when you sink further?  It’s sad that, in order to keep that relationship going, they would have to hurry to that point without so much as a glance at all the other problems they have with themselves and their marriage.  Oh how their misery will be forever.  

And their misery will not be mine.  

I think that this is just fine.  Just fine indeed.

Tale of two........

Before I became involved with my ex, there was another that I was absolutely infatuated with. She was the one I was trying so hard to hook up with. It sounds wrong, but while I was sleeping with one, I was chasing the other. It was a very messed up situation. Then, that moment came that the other said she was interested in getting together and I was ecstatic. I told the ex that I had to break it off because there was a chance that the one I really wanted was interested. It was an awkward experience.

Fast forward to today. The one I chased for sooo long was back. She moved back to Colorado a good six months ago but she was in town visiting. She looked so good. So many memories and feelings flooded me. We talked about the ex because she knew about the whole thing and all I could do was apologise and feel bad.

I didn’t mention that, when she left, I pretty much burned a bridge with her. But, I apologised and I continue to apologise and I always will with what I had said to her. I can never make it up because I was an asshole for what I said and it hurts so much to watch the tears fall from her eyes.

If I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t. It wasn’t worth the pain, heartache and the disrespect that I have gone through, no matter how much love I received, no matter how much sex I had. It wasn’t worth the hurt I brought to the other. It wasn’t worth what I go through now; despite the healing I’ve gained.

To Pam:

Though I love and fell in love with you, you are the mistake that will take me a lifetime to rectify. You are a regret that will always remind me. You are the disappointment that will always haunt me.

To Joy:

You are the one that will always elude me. You are the one that killed me. You are the one that I let get away when I was bent on making a shallow relationship work. Your memory will forever humble me. I will always be sorry.

Maybe one day I will be normal again. If not, there’s always the next life.

Back from NY.. unfortunately.

I was just in New York for the weekend.  It was an interesting trip.  I went with a friend who is important in the jazz scene and I had to meet with a few publicists myself (I publish a small indie movie mag).  

The trip was enjoyable, except for the walking and the hotel room.  The hotel itself was pretty cool but if you can imagine a room slightly bigger than a queen-sized bed… well, that’s how cozy it was. And we figured it would be easier to just take the subway.

New York is an amazing place.  The hustle and bustle of the city… the people walking everywhere… the taxi-to-personal car ratio… It was astounding.  The pace of the city can overwhelm anyone.  I’m from LA, where the pace is fast but NY blows it away by leaps and bounds.  You can hit 3 or 4 clubs in a night to see different shows.  Can’t do that in LA.  Last call is at, like, 6am.  If you wanted to, you can hop to a dozen clubs, see half a dozen shows and be drunk until you have to get up for work the next day.  I was rather surprised that places were bumping on a Thursday night!  Again, very un-LA.  

Plus, the fact that we were comp’d at every show saved a ton of money.  At least $300 in covers alone.  

If I were younger and out of debt, I’d seriously consider a move there.  

The sucky thing was that everything reminded me of the ex.  EVERYTHING.  Being near all of the fancy shops and things in Manhattan, I was reminded of her tastes (Coach, Tiffany, etc etc), how fun it would have been to have her with me.  To run around Manhattan with the woman you love would probably be the ultimate vacation.  

The one thing that I was reminded the most while in NY was the vacation the ex and her husband had to NY.  They had attended a wedding.  One night, the hubby got all drunk and admitted to the ex that he thinks he may be gay.  This is one of the most pivotal moments in my ex’s relationship with her husband.  Being drunk allows us to be more uninhibited, allowing true feelings and thoughts to come forth.  We’ll be more brazen with our conversations because we won’t care or we’ll talk about things we wouldn’t normally talk about.  

This, besides the gay porn she found on his computer so long ago, allows me to believe he actually is gay.  That he is hiding it and that no matter how much he tries in this relationship, he’ll always be gay.  

There’s nothing wrong with being gay.  I respect their lifestyle.  No one chooses it, just like no one chooses eye or hair color.  But, some people just don’t accept it (just like eye and hair color).  Right now, he can’t accept it.  I truly believe that.  And, I think he never will.  

Hell… I still miss her terribly.  Maybe I’ll never get over her.  This is what I’m so afraid of.  I wish I were Vulcan.

Dissed by Disney

What has come to this world where one can be interviewed… by the internet?

Today I pushed aside my pride and applied for a part-time job at Disneyland. What happened was this – I filled out their small booklet of paperwork. I then waited almost an hour and a half to be put into a room where I watched a propaganda video showcasing their “Disney Way”. Afterwards, I’m placed in a room where I’m given a web-based “interview.” This wasn’t an interview. This was a questionnaire that asks many of the same questions in different ways to measure some sort of response. To answer them by saying Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree.

After this, I am told I cannot go on in the interview process because of the answers I gave on this web-based “interview”.

Where were the questions related to my seven years of service to the Disney Company? Where were the questions in regards to the lead positions I held? Where were the questions that related to my training position I held in my department for four of those years? Yes, I worked at the Park for 7 years... 1990-97. I guess that didn't matter because, shit, I didn't answer their fucking questions to their liking.

I find it almost degrading and insulting that a company who looks for quality personnel cannot do a quality interview. I’ve never seen a cattle-call interview process such as the one Disneyland has. For a company that needs people to work there, they sure know how to pick the good ones. You cannot judge a person by the way they answer flawed questions based on Agree or Disagree situations. It confuses the questionnaire taker as well as forces them to figure out what the asker is wanting.

Unfortunately, more companies are using these psychological measuring tools to weed out those that do not conform to their views. To ask the same question over and over in different ways to try and “trip up” the subject is not only unethical in my eyes, but also weeds out those that have half a brain and can think freely and on their own. Because those that pass the test are doing so because they guessed right and gave answers they thought the Company wanted.

Six months from now, when I apply again for a part-time job at the Happiest Place on Earth, I shall remember to lie on the questionnaire so that all my answers are positive. Because that’s what they want, right? A bunch of liars who are desperate for a shitty ass job in a theme park that people think is god’s gift.

Whatever.

Emotions suck.

It's been over three months now since my break up.  I thought I was doing better; I've been seeing a therapist and trying to keep myself occupied and I was just accepted into a Bachelor's Program at a great school yet I still feel empty and lonely and unwilling to move on in my life. 
 
I saw her last week because she wanted to give me something back of mine.  I keep wondering why she didn't just send it to me.  We talked about her relationship with her husband and how he's trying but I truly believe it's all smoke and mirrors; that he's doing it all just so that she'll stay and take care of him and that he doesn't love her.  She says she loves him and needs to try to make it work, even though she admitted that all she's doing is trying to fulfull her obligations as a wife and that she was scared of committing to me -- it was easier to go back to an established marriage.  If it weren't for him, we'd be together.  How silly is that?? 
 
I told her I wanted her to be happy and that she should try her hardest to make it work because if it fails, she'll know she tried.  I told her I would never call her again but would love to eventually be friends one day, if that were possible.  In the end I told her I missed and loved her and she said the same and we held each other and kissed goodbye.  I tried to avoid kissing her on the lips but she kissed me instead.  It's the little things that confuse me, like the kiss and the embraces.  I don't know how to explain it but I could just feel "it".  It reinforces my thoughts of her being in denial.
 
Since this meeting, I have regressed back into my depression and have been worse than ever.  I keep trying to analyse everything and being logical about the whole situation.  At the same time, I'm trying to be "a man" about it -- being jovial, non-chalant, making fun, saying I'm over it but secretly I cry for her almost every day and I seriously hope their marriage fails.  It's all a lie in my eyes.
 
Yes, I need to move on.  Yes, I'll eventually heal and yes.. I'm sure there's someone better.  But, I want HER.   
 
I know she loves me.  I know she misses me.  But I know her fear and obligations are all that keep her from leaving him.  He's a weak man, always begging her to come back after apologizing and backpeddling. 
 
And I know she'll never leave him.
 
I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm trying, really I am.
 
I've come to realise that logic doesn't stand a chance when dealing with the heart.  I can come to so many logical conclusions and analyse their relationship and all the things said between them and their behaviour towards one another yet it's all out the window when it comes to fear, obligation, guilt and love.  And I feel so helpless because I want to help her see it but I can't.  I just have to watch and wait for the trainwreck to happen.  Though I don't wait for her to return, I do hope that she will.  This, too, I have to get over.
 
In my heart of hearts, I truly believe she's in love with me and wants to be with me.  But it can never be because of her obligations to him.