Regret

Sometimes, I regret ever going to that stupid wedding where I met you. I didn't want to go in the first place and yet I was talked into it. And it was easy because it was the open bar that coaxed me into going.

Had I not gone, I would have never met you. I wouldn't have gone through the heartache of being rejected. I wouldn't have gone through the torment of wondering what it was I did or didn't do. I wouldn't have gone through the rollercoaster ride of insecurity, self-doubt and hatred. I wouldn't have felt the betrayal of being used. I wouldn't have felt the heat of anger and hatred for you. I would still be the same person I was before I met you.

But, had I not gone, I wouldn't have met you. I wouldn't have learned to be more tolerant, I wouldn't have had my eyes opened to new ideas and experiences. I wouldn't have learned to become more than who I was. I wouldn't have had this specific opportunity to grow. I wouldn't have become the positive, optimistic person I am becoming. I wouldn't have learned about the spiritual paths before me. I wouldn't have this drive to become a better me. I would have never been inspired. I would still be the same person I was before I met you.

Most of all, I wouldn't have had a chance to know you. I fell in love with you because of who you are and what you taught me that allowed me to see things I would have never seen. You asked once why I would ever want to date a woman like you. It's because you are a pain in the ass and you're a kook. But it's also because you are brilliant and unique. And, frankly, I think you need someone like me to help you grow and learn.

Currently, my feelings for you are of contempt and anger. It's just the healing process of getting over you. But, my hope is that one day we can truly be friends because, as I said before, you are someone of value in my life and I could never deny that. Maybe, one day.

But, if we never speak again, I hope you find your path. I hope you find happiness. I hope you succeed. I hope you do for someone what you did for me. And I hope you find in that person the same.

My assumption is that you'll never read this. That's fine as it's more for me to get out than for you to read.