Geez..

You know.. It feels awesome when your English instructor uses a paragraph you wrote (amongst others') as an example of what TO DO when following an assignment (I must say, my paragraph was the best out of the 4.. but I'm being biased. I prolly woulda got a perfect score had I not forgotten to use a title).

What sucks is that I did very poorly on the fallacies quiz and I know I totally fucked up my essay -- the subject being: why does our society continue to maintain the standard that women be thin to be attractive all the while we continue to become fatter as a society (paraphrasing, of course). I have an opinion on this, and I read many sources AND I used the ones the instructor laid out for us. Yet, I was hasty and lazy and didn't do the essay until the last moment and coupled with the fact that I wanted to go out that night, I wrote 1,000 words of bullshit nonsense. So ill-prepared and so unfocused.

I can, however, sum it up in just a few words.. it's because our society is fucked up beyond measure. That's why.

On another note - stay tuned. I had this great idea for a new story that I want to write. It'll be brilliant. Really.

I'm not saying anything..

The following photograph was forwarded to me by a co-worker. Now, I'm not saying anything about it, nor shall I make a commentary. I am merely posting it to say that I think it is rather amusing. I don't believe that it's been Photoshopped in any way and is just a freak accident.

(come to think of it, I BET the photographer did it on purpose)

So much...

As we wave goodbye to Earth Day (I guess it is two words), I must admit.. my set tonight would have been funnier had more people been in the audience to hear it.. because my Earth Day shit woulda killed. It's like that joke.. if a tree falls in the forest, is it still funny? Okay, so I embellished a bit there. Sue me. Fucker.

A few things.. Tonight was nice. I used a little liquid courage to get up on stage to do my bit. Yeah, I drank a few beers. Not enough to make me slur or anything.. It's not like I've gotten terribly drunk in the last 4 months. I've been good. I'm an emotional drinker anyway.. and those that know me know.. I'm emotional. But it helped and I think I was funnier than the last two times I've been up so, I can't complain.

Anyway, tonight. I was on later in the evening so most of the people had already left. They're all a bunch of comics anyway, those stupid pricks. I stayed for their sets, at least they could do the same and stay for mine. I applaud those that stayed the entire night. All four of them. And they were on after me so they had to stay [laugh]. No, there were a few more. But I had a great time. I was much more in the zone than last week.

Being a wanabe comic is intense. That and the logic and critical thinking class has, well.. completely fucked me up mentally. I don't know where the fuck to take my train of thought. I might as well derail the thing [ahh hahaha.. derail.. train.. get it? A joke! ........Fuck you.]

I need more stage time to get used to being in front of people. I don't know why. I've done presentations for old people about MediCare. I should be able to do anything. I digress.

On another note... which is much more serious...

A friend of mine lost a parent recently. My heart goes out to her and I can relate because I lost a parent the same way -- to cancer. And it's a terrible thing to watch someone you care for slowly fade away. You think, in those last few days, there'd be a few more and suddenly, they're gone. Gone to a better place, a place where they feel no more pain, no more suffering. Where ever they may be, it's better than here. But not for us. Not initially. Because now our pain is bad and we wish we had just one more day, hour, minute. Just one more.

It will get better. I promise. I'm sure your memories are better than what I have of my parent so relish them. Wrap yourself within them and be happy. And, remember, she lives on within you. As you are a part of her, she is a part of you. Never forget that. She will always be with you.

You had never before mentioned your belief in god to me and after she had passed you had given me some words to ponder. Though I cannot walk down the path you had gestured to me, I am still humbled by it and by the fact that your mother cared enough to think of me. And that you cared enough to share. Thank you.

Yay! It's Earthday!

So celebrate by cutting down a tree!

And driving your SUV through Central Park.

And buying CO2 credits so you can create more pollution. Like Al Gore does.

Happy Earthday everyone!

[insert stupid title here]

Hanging out with two drunk guys where one ends up taking a cab home cos he's ripped beyond recognition is not cool.

But the bar we went to was, even if I felt out of place in my suit.

You learn a lot talking to a drunk guy - one that pees freely in public places, with his dick out for everyone (including myself) to see. The only time I've ever done something like that was to show off my piercing to everyone at a party.

Yes, I was drunk.

No, I didn't get laid.

Such is life.

Today's gonna suck... what with 4 hours of sleep to be had and all.

Not even funny..

Some guy like.. killed himself at the high school I attended. Hanged himself on some fence. He didn't even go there, from what I understand. Just decided to drive on out from an adjacent city..

Fucker.

Now I need to find another school to desecrate. Can't do my Alma mater now. Just wouldn't be original, ya know??

Yes, I'm looking for a therapist.

An 88 on my first essay. I could have done better.. had I spent more than 2 hours preparing and writing it. Next essay I'll spend 4 hours. Gotta take it more seriously.

Seriously.. I'm looking for a new therapist. I swear to god.. no one is worth opening up to anymore unless I pay them to hear my shit. and right now I'm very much in need of unloading.

okay.. enough of my babble.. go on.. nothing to see here.. shew.

Sigh

So... did the taxes today.. Getting a good return. That's always nice. But that isn't the reason for this day's posting.

I was listening to NPR as I was getting something to munch on and this woman was interviewing her Born Again brother. She, of course, was a secular Jew who, I think, was a feminist lesbian. That's what she eluded to. Interesting. I often wonder.. is being a secular anything an oxymoron? I digress.

Anyway, as I was listening to this guy (who, by the way, simply pissed me off with his way of thinking.. but it isn't for me to judge. It's his life, not mine), it got me to thinking about god, not that it takes a lot for me to think about the subject. I often think about a higher power and its existence. Call it a hobby.

I was thinking about how we do think about this... higher power. My belief system tells me that one doesn't exist. But, it doesn't change the fact that I wish there was one. I'm not alone on this. I know plenty other atheists who wish there was a god character in the proverbial heavens. I wish that we weren't alone in the spiritual world and I wish there was a guiding light, if you will, to help us through this mortal coil. But, simply put, there isn't. We can look up to the skies above (I won't say heavens. There would have been an inappropriate irony there) and see the stars and planets and bodies of planetary clusters and just wonder what life is teaming out there. But, out of that teaming life there isn't one specific life form that transcends others; it isn't the one that calls itself god. Nor is it the one we, as a society, worship. We are all just molecular specks to this thing called the universe. It's like being an atomic particle in an elephant. That's what we are, essentially.

The real point I want to make though is that, while I'm sitting here wishing deep down within the cockles of my being that there was a god figure on the fringes of the universe, I think those who are god believers are, too. Deep down, you as a follower know there isn't a god. You're simply going on faith and hope, knowing that we're all alone, leaderless. Godless. We are simply on this big rock swirling through the galaxy going along for the ride.

Believe me, there are things I hope for.. and have faith that they'll one day come to fruition. Unfortunately, I know that they never will, no matter how much I pray, stay positive or ask the Universe. It just ain't gonna happen.

But hey.. at least it's a beautiful summer like day. It's fucking gorgeous. And that's something to be thankful for.

Two weeks down.. 7 More to go

Doing research papers is a bitch.

One thing I found though is that I'm amazingly UNFOCUSED. I need to do something about getting more focused, learning to get to the point faster and staying on topic. It's just not right.. Like I said, I love tangents.. not because I want to but because I'm not focused. It sucks.

Oh well.. Anyway, I just finished my paper on the subject of boys needing male teachers in order to learn better in schools. To break it down:

Boys learn better in an all male environment, with a male teacher.

Because classes are geared towards girls, and that ~58% of all teachers in this country are female, boys don't do as well in class as girls do. Boys are left feeling confused and left out, not to mention their "masculinity" is questioned.

Classes should be segregated into male and female classes. Of course, they should be taught the same things, just in different ways.

Unfortunately, Title IX doesn't allow this. Says it's discrimination against women.

So, boys must suffer in the woman's world of education. We don't learn the same way as women. Sorry. But to subject boys to the way girls learn is detrimental. There should be more research into this.

Maybe it's because of this that there are more women in college these days than men. Kudos.

Reflection..

I sometimes wonder what it'd be like to be John Cusack. I think the man is a great actor. But I wonder what he's like as a man. The real person. The one behind the characters, the one behind the actor. I greatly admire the actor and that alone makes me wish I were him, if not, at least, like him. But this is simply based on what I think the man is like; who I think he is. I don't know the man and I dare say I never will. But he is someone I greatly admire.

There are people out there that, no matter how much I've told them about me, no matter how much I've devulged, will never really know the real me. No one knows the real me. Some may think they do. They don't. No one does. Sometimes, I don't even know the real me. I'd like, for once, to have someone know the real me; to get to know me, to actually understand who I am and just... well... get me. I can tell you everything about me and you'd still not know me. You would only get an idea of who I am. You'd only think you know me. But you wouldn't.

Because, sometimes, I don't even know me.