Let me explain something in hindsight and without the influence of alcohol.
Last night – yes, I made the mistake of meeting up with the ex. She wanted to see me for whatever reason she had. And I took the opportunity to see her because, let’s face it, I wanted to.
What was bad was that emotion is elevated during a time when we’re programmed for it to, like Christmas. Everyone’s emotions, no matter how much the love or hate the holidays, are always on full-tilt.
I’m no exception. [a quick question would be – well, Steve, you’re an atheist. How can you feel this way during CHRISTmas? Easy.. Haven’t you ever heard of Pavlov’s Dog?]
The fact that my emotions were hell-bent on missing her and wanting to see her that when I did, I crumbled. I tried to maintain and I was good for awhile but after hearing that she was going back for another go – it was too much for me.
Regardless of whether I think it will fail or not, it still hurts that the woman you love and you think loves you always chooses unwisely.
I told her she needed to try without fail to make this work for her. I’ve told her that so many times. The problem is, on her journey to make it work, she ended up going to Biloxi and not to her intended destination of Hoboken. That wasn’t her fault. That was his for always doing something stupid – like kicking her out of the house or telling her she’s a whore or something.
I gave her my blessing. All I want is for her to be happy. I want her to have what she deserves in life because, frankly, everyone deserves to be happy and everyone deserves the best (whether they choose it or not). She is an emotionally damaged woman, who needs the help of a professional. This, we have established. It’s a given. This damage is what makes her a pain in the ass to deal with at times. This damage is what causes her to do what she does, without fail. And I must be a masochist because it’s one of the things I enjoyed about her, because I got to take care of her emotionally. We had an equal relationship where she took care of me in other ways. This damage is also something that he cannot handle. He cannot deal. He didn’t before and he will fail again. He hasn’t been in close quarters with her in almost a year. And his proven track record is – he forgets pretty quickly.
We’ll see what happens. I use the analogy of a roulette wheel and she’s the ball. I told her I think she still hasn’t stopped bouncing yet. And when it finally stops, I told her to call me because my money is on black.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
I did something stupid
I did something stupid tonight. I met up with the ex because she needed to give me something of mine.
It was too close to xmas for me to see her.
All the feelings came back upon seeing her. I wish I didn’t go. She should have just mailed the thing to me.
We talked about stuff and she revealed that she’s moving back in with her husband… so now the fun begins… I told her I give her six months. Her only comment was that I had a right to be mad. What she doesn’t know is that I also have the right to be right.
I did tell her that I want her to be happy. And I meant it. I want her to find what she had with me. I want him to appreciate her. I want him to make her feel special. I want him to truly realize what kind of love he can have with her.
Of course… he never will.
Because he’s a fucking loser-ass-fucking-bullshit bitch.
It’s the alcohol talking, I think.
But I honestly hope she finds her happiness. I told her to try her hardest to make this work because.. well, when it fails she’ll know for sure it’ll never work out. So, she’d better try her hardest.
6 months… Maybe not even that long.. neither of them want to acknowledge the elephant.
I’m drunk btw. Absinth. Good stuff.
It was too close to xmas for me to see her.
All the feelings came back upon seeing her. I wish I didn’t go. She should have just mailed the thing to me.
We talked about stuff and she revealed that she’s moving back in with her husband… so now the fun begins… I told her I give her six months. Her only comment was that I had a right to be mad. What she doesn’t know is that I also have the right to be right.
I did tell her that I want her to be happy. And I meant it. I want her to find what she had with me. I want him to appreciate her. I want him to make her feel special. I want him to truly realize what kind of love he can have with her.
Of course… he never will.
Because he’s a fucking loser-ass-fucking-bullshit bitch.
It’s the alcohol talking, I think.
But I honestly hope she finds her happiness. I told her to try her hardest to make this work because.. well, when it fails she’ll know for sure it’ll never work out. So, she’d better try her hardest.
6 months… Maybe not even that long.. neither of them want to acknowledge the elephant.
I’m drunk btw. Absinth. Good stuff.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Christmas Day whoo hoo!
I have a sunburn, a cold and I'm terribly full.
First time I ever played golf and I actually did all right. I played very well for my first time.
Because I'm brilliant! That's right. Brilliant. Prove me wrong.
Of course, I think golf may be a religious game.. a lot of "GOD DAMN" this and "JESUS CHRIST" that. And, a little bit of Oedipus in there as well (a lot of motherly fornication going on). tee hee!
Total tally:
1 Box of Chocolates
3 Bottles of Wine
1 Ipod Shuffle
1 Hold 'Em Players Handbook
1 Deck of cards with poker chips
1 Shot glass with a mini-bottle of Absinth
And 1 fucking pumpkin chocolate loaf of bread. [Rolling Eyes]
First time I ever played golf and I actually did all right. I played very well for my first time.
Because I'm brilliant! That's right. Brilliant. Prove me wrong.
Of course, I think golf may be a religious game.. a lot of "GOD DAMN" this and "JESUS CHRIST" that. And, a little bit of Oedipus in there as well (a lot of motherly fornication going on). tee hee!
Total tally:
1 Box of Chocolates
3 Bottles of Wine
1 Ipod Shuffle
1 Hold 'Em Players Handbook
1 Deck of cards with poker chips
1 Shot glass with a mini-bottle of Absinth
And 1 fucking pumpkin chocolate loaf of bread. [Rolling Eyes]
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Merry f'ing Christmas!
Greetings all! And Merry Christmas. I hope everyone who reads this is enjoying their festive holiday season.
And for those other denominations – Happy Kwanza, Chanukah, Festivus, Christmukah, and, of course, Holidays… for the more generic celebrator.
As some of you may know, I am an atheist. Though I have strayed at times in hope that it would align me more with the woman I loved. That, however, was just foolish of me and was not a good reason why I, or anyone should stroll back to the Word. Actually, I don’t find any reason good enough to stroll back to the Word. The Word is stifling, hypocritical, egotistic and most of all almost impossible to follow without going to hell. Plus the idea of an omnipotent, omnipresent and benevolent being watching over us is absurd. However, if it gives you comfort believing this tripe then more power to you. Again, I thank my ex for giving me insight to further examine this issue and ridicule fundie beliefs as well as Intelligent Design (religious bias wrapped in pseudo-science).
Yes, I’ve begun to read the bible. It’s a good book of mythical stories and as such, should be read. It should also be read to combat those who use it to pass judgment on those they find morally and ethically inferior.
In regards to the bible, I’d highly recommend watching Penn and Teller’s Bullshit show on Showtime.
Linky!
Click the Linky to watch this particularly good episode.
Also, here is a story of a woman who has, over a period of a decade, found her way from fundamentalist Christianity to Athiesm… all on her own. It took me over 5 hours to read this so be prepared to sit awhile. It’s almost 100 pages worth. It’s worth it though.
So why am I spouting off my beliefs? Because I can. Since others do it, and more so than we atheists, why can't I?
And why am I saying Merry Christmas? After all it's a Christian holiday, is it not? Well, not really. It's based more on Pegan rituals than anything else. Tree? Pegan. December 25th? Pegan (to celebrate Winter Solstace) once again. Christ was not born in December, sorry to say. He was born somewhere between March and May... I've since been given proof that he at least existed. Plus, Xmas is more of a commercial holiday now, celebrated round the world by Christians and non-Christians alike.. Oh well..
And for those other denominations – Happy Kwanza, Chanukah, Festivus, Christmukah, and, of course, Holidays… for the more generic celebrator.
As some of you may know, I am an atheist. Though I have strayed at times in hope that it would align me more with the woman I loved. That, however, was just foolish of me and was not a good reason why I, or anyone should stroll back to the Word. Actually, I don’t find any reason good enough to stroll back to the Word. The Word is stifling, hypocritical, egotistic and most of all almost impossible to follow without going to hell. Plus the idea of an omnipotent, omnipresent and benevolent being watching over us is absurd. However, if it gives you comfort believing this tripe then more power to you. Again, I thank my ex for giving me insight to further examine this issue and ridicule fundie beliefs as well as Intelligent Design (religious bias wrapped in pseudo-science).
Yes, I’ve begun to read the bible. It’s a good book of mythical stories and as such, should be read. It should also be read to combat those who use it to pass judgment on those they find morally and ethically inferior.
In regards to the bible, I’d highly recommend watching Penn and Teller’s Bullshit show on Showtime.
Linky!
Click the Linky to watch this particularly good episode.
Also, here is a story of a woman who has, over a period of a decade, found her way from fundamentalist Christianity to Athiesm… all on her own. It took me over 5 hours to read this so be prepared to sit awhile. It’s almost 100 pages worth. It’s worth it though.
So why am I spouting off my beliefs? Because I can. Since others do it, and more so than we atheists, why can't I?
And why am I saying Merry Christmas? After all it's a Christian holiday, is it not? Well, not really. It's based more on Pegan rituals than anything else. Tree? Pegan. December 25th? Pegan (to celebrate Winter Solstace) once again. Christ was not born in December, sorry to say. He was born somewhere between March and May... I've since been given proof that he at least existed. Plus, Xmas is more of a commercial holiday now, celebrated round the world by Christians and non-Christians alike.. Oh well..
Monday, December 19, 2005
We all Need a "life" workout buddy
I recently watched an interview with Angelina Jolie (though, maybe I didn’t catch the whole interview but this is what I garnered). She’s one hot cookie, let me tell you. Anyway..
This was something I completely agreed with and what kinda makes me still depressed after all this time. When you accomplish something great in your life, it doesn’t mean much when you can’t share it with someone you truly care about. Sure, it should make me feel great about myself and all, and it does. I’ve accomplished many a great task and feat. In certain times, I didn’t feel melancholy when I didn’t have anyone to share my triumphs because I didn’t have anyone that I cared for as much as I recently did. Feeling proud of yourself is only amplified when you have another who is proud of you too.
So, lately, I’ve been pretty lethargic when it comes to doing things that I know will be great or have significant impact in my life because it’s really not all that when you can’t share it.
Maybe I want to have bragging rights or maybe I want to impress another but I certainly am not asking for approval or the like. In life, a partner who is of great importance drives us to be better, to make us try harder. It’s their job. To make us feel special and to make us feel we can do more than we set out to do; it’s something we should all do for our significant other. On our own, we may be ambitious and we may strive to work harder but we’ll never get that last set done without a partner.
This was something I completely agreed with and what kinda makes me still depressed after all this time. When you accomplish something great in your life, it doesn’t mean much when you can’t share it with someone you truly care about. Sure, it should make me feel great about myself and all, and it does. I’ve accomplished many a great task and feat. In certain times, I didn’t feel melancholy when I didn’t have anyone to share my triumphs because I didn’t have anyone that I cared for as much as I recently did. Feeling proud of yourself is only amplified when you have another who is proud of you too.
So, lately, I’ve been pretty lethargic when it comes to doing things that I know will be great or have significant impact in my life because it’s really not all that when you can’t share it.
Maybe I want to have bragging rights or maybe I want to impress another but I certainly am not asking for approval or the like. In life, a partner who is of great importance drives us to be better, to make us try harder. It’s their job. To make us feel special and to make us feel we can do more than we set out to do; it’s something we should all do for our significant other. On our own, we may be ambitious and we may strive to work harder but we’ll never get that last set done without a partner.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
My photographic side-gig
A friend of mine is shooting a movie. No, not a student movie or a wanabe movie but a movie he plans to submit to different film festivals for consideration. Hopefully, it will make direct-to-video or something of the sort. It's the story of a guy named Danny McKay (the movie is called The Danny McKay Project) who finds out he has a cancerous tumor in his brain. It's filmed more like a documentary - everything is shot with a digital hand-held.
The story is sad. I cried when I read the script. It was very emotional. I wasn't the only one - I found out many on the crew cried when they read the script. Not that it makes me feel better to know that. It's one of the best scripts my friend has written. I was very moved. I have no doubt he will be able to get on film what he put on paper. Not only is he a talented writer, he is also a talented director.
So... My job is Still Photographer. If you've ever seen promo shots of actors in a movie, those aren't the scenes from the movie itself. There is actually a photographer on-set that takes the photographs you later see on the DVD box, the movie poster, in promo shots for writers and reviewers... they're not taken from the movie itself. This job is fan-fucking-tastic. I'd give my left testicle for a job like this in the movie biz. It's fun, it's behind the scenes, it's easy and there's a lot of money in it. Unfortunately, it's a hard gig to get into. You need to know someone. And even then, good luck.
Anyway, the following are just some of the pics from behind the scenes. They're off my digital camera. I've got stills on film for the promo collateral. I'll have those tomorrow. I can't wait to see them.
This makes things very hard for me. On one hand, I want to move away.. to start anew. Yet, my friend is so close to getting a movie deal on something he wrote and he'll most likely direct. If this happens, I'll get the job of being the set photographer as he'll hire me for the gig. It's not like this will happen in the next year but I may move in that time. I'd have to friggin' move back! In any case, it's something I have to keep open as an option because I know he'll make it. It may sound shallow but I'm waiting for his success so that I can succeed as well. Unfortunately, it's a position you have to wait for someone else to succeed to get. Just a hope... Anyway, here are some shots.. Oh, and the main character looks a lot like Matt Damon.. and the costume designer looks a hell of a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker. How strange.
The story is sad. I cried when I read the script. It was very emotional. I wasn't the only one - I found out many on the crew cried when they read the script. Not that it makes me feel better to know that. It's one of the best scripts my friend has written. I was very moved. I have no doubt he will be able to get on film what he put on paper. Not only is he a talented writer, he is also a talented director.
So... My job is Still Photographer. If you've ever seen promo shots of actors in a movie, those aren't the scenes from the movie itself. There is actually a photographer on-set that takes the photographs you later see on the DVD box, the movie poster, in promo shots for writers and reviewers... they're not taken from the movie itself. This job is fan-fucking-tastic. I'd give my left testicle for a job like this in the movie biz. It's fun, it's behind the scenes, it's easy and there's a lot of money in it. Unfortunately, it's a hard gig to get into. You need to know someone. And even then, good luck.
Anyway, the following are just some of the pics from behind the scenes. They're off my digital camera. I've got stills on film for the promo collateral. I'll have those tomorrow. I can't wait to see them.
This makes things very hard for me. On one hand, I want to move away.. to start anew. Yet, my friend is so close to getting a movie deal on something he wrote and he'll most likely direct. If this happens, I'll get the job of being the set photographer as he'll hire me for the gig. It's not like this will happen in the next year but I may move in that time. I'd have to friggin' move back! In any case, it's something I have to keep open as an option because I know he'll make it. It may sound shallow but I'm waiting for his success so that I can succeed as well. Unfortunately, it's a position you have to wait for someone else to succeed to get. Just a hope... Anyway, here are some shots.. Oh, and the main character looks a lot like Matt Damon.. and the costume designer looks a hell of a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker. How strange.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Chicago's the deal breaker
It was the trip to Chicago that made me realize that I did not want to live in California anymore. Yeah, sure, it’s nice and all; the Southern California sun, the Hollywood celebrity scene, the fantastic looking, shallow fucking bitches that live for their BMW’s and Botox injections. It’s all great, until you want to live a life that is semi-realistic. I’m nowhere near Paris Hilton rich… hell, I’m not even near Gary Coleman rich. Living in Los Angeles is not something that can be sustained on an 8-to-5 job without roommates or without working a second job at Wal-Mart. And right now, I don’t have either.
Chicago has its downfalls – one in particular is the snow. Driving in the snow is terribly dangerous if you’ve never driven in it before. It’s something like an acquired taste. If you haven’t done it before you better do it slowly. One time I was in Fairbanks, Alaska in June and it snowed the week I was there. It’s not supposed to snow in June, from what I understand. What the fuck was nature thinking?
Of course, Los Angeles has the culture, restaurants, the beaches, the nightlife. Chicago does, too. Well, except for the beaches of course, unless you want to hang out at Lake Michigan.
It really isn’t that Chicago is the place I want to move to, it’s because it’s the most tolerable and socially acceptable place I’ve been to. Sure, San Antonio, Dallas, Seattle (hell, even New Jersey was decent) and some other places were nice but Chicago has a charm that I can’t seem to find anywhere else.
Plus, I want to start anew. Not having a place I can call my own and having an ex-girlfriend that I still have feelings for, there really isn’t anything left here that I want to deal with. It’s not that I want to run away; there’s nothing to run from. It’s better to get away from it all and just reestablish myself and not have the stigma that holds me down like bricks on a Mafia snitch. (Hey, Mafia reference, Chicago… gangster… yeah!)
Secretly, I wish I had someone I could just move here with (yes, I’m sitting in the airport typing this) and just root into society and begin again. I wish things were that simple.
Another plus in moving here is the women. They’re attractive yet down-to-earth and obtainable (not in an object sort of way, mind you). They aren’t as shallow minded as Los Angeles women and are much more interesting. Another plus – I can transfer in my company. I’m sure I could get a position out here, even if I have to “downgrade”. I just need a foothold before I go all willy-nilly in finding a new job.
I just want to find my zone, my happiness… my life. I want to be someone and it’s not happening here in So Cal.
Chicago has its downfalls – one in particular is the snow. Driving in the snow is terribly dangerous if you’ve never driven in it before. It’s something like an acquired taste. If you haven’t done it before you better do it slowly. One time I was in Fairbanks, Alaska in June and it snowed the week I was there. It’s not supposed to snow in June, from what I understand. What the fuck was nature thinking?
Of course, Los Angeles has the culture, restaurants, the beaches, the nightlife. Chicago does, too. Well, except for the beaches of course, unless you want to hang out at Lake Michigan.
It really isn’t that Chicago is the place I want to move to, it’s because it’s the most tolerable and socially acceptable place I’ve been to. Sure, San Antonio, Dallas, Seattle (hell, even New Jersey was decent) and some other places were nice but Chicago has a charm that I can’t seem to find anywhere else.
Plus, I want to start anew. Not having a place I can call my own and having an ex-girlfriend that I still have feelings for, there really isn’t anything left here that I want to deal with. It’s not that I want to run away; there’s nothing to run from. It’s better to get away from it all and just reestablish myself and not have the stigma that holds me down like bricks on a Mafia snitch. (Hey, Mafia reference, Chicago… gangster… yeah!)
Secretly, I wish I had someone I could just move here with (yes, I’m sitting in the airport typing this) and just root into society and begin again. I wish things were that simple.
Another plus in moving here is the women. They’re attractive yet down-to-earth and obtainable (not in an object sort of way, mind you). They aren’t as shallow minded as Los Angeles women and are much more interesting. Another plus – I can transfer in my company. I’m sure I could get a position out here, even if I have to “downgrade”. I just need a foothold before I go all willy-nilly in finding a new job.
I just want to find my zone, my happiness… my life. I want to be someone and it’s not happening here in So Cal.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Women are just lying sacks...
Why don’t you women just admit it – you’re shallow bitches who, if you found a drooling, one toothed, smelly homo dude with millions of dollars you’d think he was a wonderful man that you thought was “kinda cute”.
I can’t say that I’m in my physical peak. I’ve got a few pounds I’ve got to lose. But my personality more than makes up the way I look. I don’t think I’m hideous – I’m not grossly overweight. I don’t waddle when I walk, I don’t need a cane, and my calves aren’t bigger than my head. I can do pushups, sit ups and I can actually do an hour of cardio at the gym.
However, I do have the personality and wit to more than adequately make up for any physical “discrepancies” I may have. I’m intelligent, cocky and sometimes I’m actually confident.
What really pisses me off is the notion that these women on different online dating sites are looking for a guy that is funny, witty, intelligent and can hold a conversation. That looks don’t really mean anything to them (well, some of them, so they admit). But, a lot of them actually state what they would accept and hey.. I fit under those guidelines.
Then, why I say.. WHY do they not answer. Some are nice and actually they they’re not interested but what the fuck does it mean when they don’t even answer at all??! I’m beginning to think that women are just full of shit. No matter what they look like, they’re looking for someone who is a super model.
Not to mention that they’re looking for a super model with money.
Bitches. Fucking gold-diggers.
Yeah, I’m kinda bitter. And after watching the Victoria’s Secret model show on tv, it solidified even more for me the notion that I’ll never have a gorgeous woman like those on the runway. This isn’t being negative or thinking I’m not worthy (frankly, I think they’re not worthy of me) but if my feelings are true, women are lying sacks of shit.
If you’re not.. well.. give me a call…. I really need to get laid. (and, I’m good at that, too)
I can’t say that I’m in my physical peak. I’ve got a few pounds I’ve got to lose. But my personality more than makes up the way I look. I don’t think I’m hideous – I’m not grossly overweight. I don’t waddle when I walk, I don’t need a cane, and my calves aren’t bigger than my head. I can do pushups, sit ups and I can actually do an hour of cardio at the gym.
However, I do have the personality and wit to more than adequately make up for any physical “discrepancies” I may have. I’m intelligent, cocky and sometimes I’m actually confident.
What really pisses me off is the notion that these women on different online dating sites are looking for a guy that is funny, witty, intelligent and can hold a conversation. That looks don’t really mean anything to them (well, some of them, so they admit). But, a lot of them actually state what they would accept and hey.. I fit under those guidelines.
Then, why I say.. WHY do they not answer. Some are nice and actually they they’re not interested but what the fuck does it mean when they don’t even answer at all??! I’m beginning to think that women are just full of shit. No matter what they look like, they’re looking for someone who is a super model.
Not to mention that they’re looking for a super model with money.
Bitches. Fucking gold-diggers.
Yeah, I’m kinda bitter. And after watching the Victoria’s Secret model show on tv, it solidified even more for me the notion that I’ll never have a gorgeous woman like those on the runway. This isn’t being negative or thinking I’m not worthy (frankly, I think they’re not worthy of me) but if my feelings are true, women are lying sacks of shit.
If you’re not.. well.. give me a call…. I really need to get laid. (and, I’m good at that, too)
Monday, December 12, 2005
Happiness is a Lifetime Achievement
Happiness. It’s the brass ring we all strive to grab on the Merry-go-Round of life. Some may have actually touched it, jiggled it off of the hook, maybe even think they have it but… I think happiness is something that we all strive for but never really achieve. Yeah, some say they’re happy.. at the moment… or for now.. But what is happiness?
It’s elusive, intangible, fleeting. It’s something we think we are but probably strive to become more of. How can you be ‘more happy’? If you’re happy, you’re happy. End of story.
When someone asks me what I want to be I have to say – I don’t think about jobs or status or anything. I think about wanting to be happy. Wanting things to just.. fall in line so that I can be happy with my life. Unfortunately, I don’t think happiness is attainable. Sure, we are happy today or maybe this week.. Hell, we may even be happy for a couple months or a year but… life changes too much for us to remain happy for any given time. I wish life was much more simple than it is to where I can sit back, pop open a beer and be happy for the rest of my life. But I can’t.
I’m still striving just to be happy day-to-day. I’m getting better at that, but I don’t see long term just yet.
I think those people that say they are truly happy have either given up on life, stopped striving to become better or can’t find that next level or are just lying to themselves. Can you really say you’re truly happy? I don’t think I could. Well, I can’t say that I’m remotely happy now.
What would make me happy anyway? The next bonus check? The new car in my garage? The next great lay? Three kids, a pony and some Grape Nuts? No, I can’t say any of those would make me truly happy. Though I know that in the next year my happiness will go up by me being more selfless, by helping others gain a foothold in the story of life and making things just a little better for someone else. I want to donate not my money but my time, my knowledge, my compassion. I think that would get me on the road to happiness and may make me feel better.. but it won’t make me truly happy.
Happiness is a lifetime in attainment. It might even be the Nirvana Buddha had envisioned. It’s not something that comes to us in an epiphany. It’s something that, by the time we’re ready to die, we’ll finally have a grasp on.
The next time you think you’re happy, ask yourself – could you die that very minute.. for real? I mean, if life ended right at that very moment it’d be okay? Because you’re happy? I think not.. because if you are, I want to see you clutching that brass ring with all your heart.
It’s elusive, intangible, fleeting. It’s something we think we are but probably strive to become more of. How can you be ‘more happy’? If you’re happy, you’re happy. End of story.
When someone asks me what I want to be I have to say – I don’t think about jobs or status or anything. I think about wanting to be happy. Wanting things to just.. fall in line so that I can be happy with my life. Unfortunately, I don’t think happiness is attainable. Sure, we are happy today or maybe this week.. Hell, we may even be happy for a couple months or a year but… life changes too much for us to remain happy for any given time. I wish life was much more simple than it is to where I can sit back, pop open a beer and be happy for the rest of my life. But I can’t.
I’m still striving just to be happy day-to-day. I’m getting better at that, but I don’t see long term just yet.
I think those people that say they are truly happy have either given up on life, stopped striving to become better or can’t find that next level or are just lying to themselves. Can you really say you’re truly happy? I don’t think I could. Well, I can’t say that I’m remotely happy now.
What would make me happy anyway? The next bonus check? The new car in my garage? The next great lay? Three kids, a pony and some Grape Nuts? No, I can’t say any of those would make me truly happy. Though I know that in the next year my happiness will go up by me being more selfless, by helping others gain a foothold in the story of life and making things just a little better for someone else. I want to donate not my money but my time, my knowledge, my compassion. I think that would get me on the road to happiness and may make me feel better.. but it won’t make me truly happy.
Happiness is a lifetime in attainment. It might even be the Nirvana Buddha had envisioned. It’s not something that comes to us in an epiphany. It’s something that, by the time we’re ready to die, we’ll finally have a grasp on.
The next time you think you’re happy, ask yourself – could you die that very minute.. for real? I mean, if life ended right at that very moment it’d be okay? Because you’re happy? I think not.. because if you are, I want to see you clutching that brass ring with all your heart.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Anyone? Anyone?? Bueller?
HEY!
Are any of you slackers a member of the Orkut online member community? I WANT ACCESS! Not that I know any Brazillians (most of the people on Orkut) but I'd like to make more friends than I already have. Isn't that sad? And since I think Friendster is a big fucking joke, I want to be elite (or as they say in geekspeek -- 1337!)
Email me an invite if you're a member. I'll be your friend!
Are any of you slackers a member of the Orkut online member community? I WANT ACCESS! Not that I know any Brazillians (most of the people on Orkut) but I'd like to make more friends than I already have. Isn't that sad? And since I think Friendster is a big fucking joke, I want to be elite (or as they say in geekspeek -- 1337!)
Email me an invite if you're a member. I'll be your friend!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Christmas is for shallow, silly people... Who like scarves.
I hate Christmas. I hate it for numerous reasons. One, Jesus Christ was not born in December. If he even existed at all, he probably entered the world somewhere in March. Two, Christmas is more a Pegan holiday than a Christian one. First, the Pegans were celebrating the Winter Equinox. Second, they're the ones that introduced the damn tree. Third, Santa Claus is not a diety of any kind, though he probably represents a wintery one. Finally, what does Christ have to do with giving gifts and being Merry? I don't see the correlation. Do you? EDIT: I see it now.. Wise men who brought gifts yada yada yada.. okay... whatever..
Another reason to hate Xmas -- people are unrealistically nice to each other. Fake fake fake fake.. People are fake. People lie. People are being.... stupid. I hate Christmas because it makes us obligated to be nice to others. Why can't we be nice to each other all year round? Christmas 24/7 52 weeks a year.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- I don't want to spend money buying gifts for others. I'm sure everyone feels obligated in giving gifts. Well, don't buy me anything. I don't want it. I don't want the cheap bottle of wine, the gift certificate to Walmart, the cheese ball with nuts, a tin of popcorn, the joke blow up doll (no matter how horny I may be), the latest PSP game, a giftcard to Barnes and Noble, a facial from the local day-spa or anything else for that matter. I will, however, take cash. And not some trinket of an amount. I'm talking 3 digits or more.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- all the stupid Christmas commercials on tv. All of the stupid shopping days left. The lack of parking space at the mall.
The only good thing about Christmas -- Family, friends and food. Lots of food.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- people are unrealistically nice to each other. Fake fake fake fake.. People are fake. People lie. People are being.... stupid. I hate Christmas because it makes us obligated to be nice to others. Why can't we be nice to each other all year round? Christmas 24/7 52 weeks a year.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- I don't want to spend money buying gifts for others. I'm sure everyone feels obligated in giving gifts. Well, don't buy me anything. I don't want it. I don't want the cheap bottle of wine, the gift certificate to Walmart, the cheese ball with nuts, a tin of popcorn, the joke blow up doll (no matter how horny I may be), the latest PSP game, a giftcard to Barnes and Noble, a facial from the local day-spa or anything else for that matter. I will, however, take cash. And not some trinket of an amount. I'm talking 3 digits or more.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- all the stupid Christmas commercials on tv. All of the stupid shopping days left. The lack of parking space at the mall.
The only good thing about Christmas -- Family, friends and food. Lots of food.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
The EX emailed back
The EX emailed back.
She took her time but she emailed back.
I was quite surprised but I when she emailed back I swear I knew it would come. I felt it.
I will not post the email she wrote because it would not be right – I didn’t write it, though it is addressed to me.
In a nutshell, what she did write was that she still loved me, missed me and was sorry for hurting me. Her love for me will always be. Though she still thinks she loves her husband, she loves me too and that she always will. Her fear caused our break up to occur and now she realizes how being loved so deeply feels.
She also conceded to give me back the jewelry. So, we’ll wait and see.
Maybe one day we’ll actually be able to hang out with each other again. She would like it if I did forgive her and in the long run, I will. However, not right now.
Maybe one day she may even get the jewelry back….
She took her time but she emailed back.
I was quite surprised but I when she emailed back I swear I knew it would come. I felt it.
I will not post the email she wrote because it would not be right – I didn’t write it, though it is addressed to me.
In a nutshell, what she did write was that she still loved me, missed me and was sorry for hurting me. Her love for me will always be. Though she still thinks she loves her husband, she loves me too and that she always will. Her fear caused our break up to occur and now she realizes how being loved so deeply feels.
She also conceded to give me back the jewelry. So, we’ll wait and see.
Maybe one day we’ll actually be able to hang out with each other again. She would like it if I did forgive her and in the long run, I will. However, not right now.
Maybe one day she may even get the jewelry back….
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