Days Are Just Too Long

I live each day hour by hour.  I find solace at work when, before, I didn’t.  Since Friday, I’ve gone to the gym everyday for at least an hour to an hour and a half.  When I’m not doing anything I get very angry.  And I get sad.  

I talk to people about it because I don’t care that people know I was dating a marred woman.  I don’t care that people judge me.  I wasn’t the one that split them up.  I may have been a catalyst, but I wasn’t the reason.  

Their marriage was fucked before I met them and it will be fucked long after I’ve forgotten them.  

Today, I had the need to just smash things.  I wanted to break everything at the gym.  It took all of my strength to not punch the console of the stationary bike.  After doing leg presses, I ended up punching the surface where one would put their feet to press.  

Yes, I know this woman does not deserve my attention.  She not only fucked her husband over, but she fucked me over… and numerous times to boot.  In the last year and a half, she has gone from me back to him, back to me and back to him.  This last time, she again went back to a man she left because she was unhappy.  I just don’t get it.  If you’ve been reading all of this, yes, I’ve been repeating myself over and over.  But, it’s something I cannot (CANNOT!!) understand.  Her reasoning is that she is doing what she feels is the right thing to do… her obligation to her marriage.  Going back to a man that treats her like shit and is mentally unstable (not that she isn’t stable either).  

Now, I’m counting the days until she calls me again.  I don’t think this is the last time she does this.  Sure, she says everything’s going okay now.  But, what happens when he starts second-guessing her?  What happens when he realizes he doesn’t trust her?  My other question is – why the fuck would he even take her back… AGAIN??  Don’t tell me love can conquer a barrier like that.  If he were mentally strong, I’d give him that but he isn’t.  

Not to mention the gay porn she found on his computer.  GAY PORN ON THE COMPUTER…. HELLO???  Does someone not see the writing on the wall?  

It’s easier said than done to just forget this woman and move on.  Sure, that’s the result I wish to reach but for now, these questions, these anomalies prove to just hinder me in moving on with my life.  I MUST UNDERSTAND the reasoning behind this.  

People have told me things such as she needs to grow up and that she’s confused and that she will call upon me again, even though I said goodbye.  Some have told me that she is just mental and conniving, looking for drama.  

I believe her guilt and her need to obligate this man are so great, she is willing to give up her happiness with me (she is not going to get what she wants from that relationship any faster than she would get from ours, which would have been kids and a home) and go back to a man who is controlling, insecure and possibly gay.  

I hope to one-day find out.  For now, I just live each day an hour at a time.  

If this were Fast and the Furious, I’d say that I live my life a quarter mile at a time… but I still don’t feel free.