Craptastic Films of 2007 - my "Top-10"

Everyone has a list of their Top-10 favorite films. So, instead of boring you with my trivial list of good-to-go-for-the-year films, I thought I'd compile a list of not-so-fav's. It was rather difficult because, really, there were over 300 films released this year and a lot of them were just fucking crap. Fortunately, I didn't get to partake in all of this year's bad films but... I did see a few.
So here are my picks for Worst Movies of the Year 2007. They are in alphabetical order as to not embarrass anyone or make any of them seem worse than the others because, honestly, they all sucked pretty bad.

Blood and Chocolate
Who needs another werewolf film, and one with a love story with a.. human? We already saw it in a much better film called UNDERWORLD, which had a better leading lady, too (Kate Beckensale rocks my fucking world), not that I would kick Agnes Bruckner out of bed. I will have to hand it to the SFX people here; the transformations from human into werewolves were much more elegant than in other films. None of that painful, gut-wrenching, bone-snapping stuff here.. just a simple slip from human to canine. It was pretty. Lame.

Bratz
When I was dragged to this film, I thought, “Goody! A story based on slutty adolescent girls' dolls. This'll rock!” Of course, I was wrong. It didn't rock. It made me shutter. If it weren't made for 10-year old fashion-conscious girls, maybe I would have enjoyed the film more. Who am I kidding? No, I wouldn't have. Take MEAN GIRLS, strip it of any wit, talent and plot, add a bunch of clique-loving “BFF's” and a terrible sense of fashion and you get.. well, you get shit.

Delta Farce
Larry the Cable is funny, not so much. Maybe I'm a little snooty when it comes to fart jokes, but I prefer my humor with a little bit more intelligence and a little bit less 4th grade playground banter. The premise of the film is simply idiotic. How ANY American soldier can mistake a Mexican village for one in Iraq is beyond me. It was like someone wrote this in 20 minutes and hoped it would be carried by the “wit” and “chemistry” of the leads. Whoever green lighted this film should be taken to Iraq and shot. In the scheme of buddy films and things of that nature, this film makes ISHTAR and THREE AMIGOS look like masterpieces.

Epic Movie
The guys that brought you DATE MOVIE should have learned their lesson after that craptastic bomb. EPIC MOVIE is one of those lazy-ass films that parodies more popular ones and uses adolescent humor to get a laugh. Sorry, it didn't work. It's sad because Kal Penn is usually so fucking funny. He was brilliant in VAN WILDER (not so much in the second, though) but he was just a bore here. The WILLY WONKA parody, the SNAKES ON A (mother-fucking!) PLANE parody... It made little baby Jesus cry, I'm sure. It's no wonder Fox didn't even screen this film for critics prior to release.

Eragon
Seriously, a movie based on a book written by a 15 year old? If you didn't know that, you could certainly ascertain it from the poor dialogue in the film. You have to wonder if they did any re-writing at all of the script to make it more interesting. As a dragon film, it's okay for the kiddies but I just couldn't swallow the plot, the performances (that's the director's fault) and the fact that you could fly those dragons through the plot holes all over this film. Jeremy Irons, what were you thinking?! After seeing this on screen, we all know what Fox will do with the the rest of this trilogy - nothing, because the first installment sucked ass!

Kickin' It Old Skool
Jamie Kennedy is a pretty talented dude. He's a great musician, he's a funny comedian and he has actually made a few decent films (I won't say because I don't want to risk being made fun of for the lack of taste I may possess). What's most rad about Kennedy is that he rolls with Bob Saget. Props to that, yo! Unfortunately, he had to go and make a movie about a boy who lands in a coma after a breakdancing accident and wakes up 20 years later to find that cassette tapes have been replaced with iPods and that breakdancing has long passed its prime. So what does he do? He gets his sorry ass crew back together for one last showdown. Borrring. Stick to stand-up, dude.

Lions for Lambs
Did this movie actually come out? Even the squabbles between Redford, Streep and Cruise didn't generate enough hype to bring this film to the box office top-10. In fact, it didn't even gross enough in the box office to cover any of their commanding salaries. Sure, I'm against the war and terrorism like the next guy but I don't need Hollywood liberals to step up on their soapbox and preach to me on the big screen. Way too boring, way too preachy and way too long.

Norbit
If Eddie Murphy straps on one more fat suit, I'm going to become bulimic. He couldn't leave well enough alone after THE NUTTY PROFESSOR and he had to just fuck up his career post DREAMGIRLS. I'm not PC but fat jokes are just not funny. And watching a bitter, fat black “woman” who is married to a dimwitted orphaned wussy black man who pines after his childhood sweetheart is just fucking lame.

Rush Hour 3
If there's anything worse than water boarding, it would be watching RUSH HOUR 3. Having to sit through this film was like being subjected to torture that is banned in the Geneva Convention. Chris Tucker's amazingly annoying voice is somewhat to blame along with his lack of comedic talent. Jackie Chan is getting too old for his stunt routines and he should just retire. Expect a Rush Hour 4. I guess people like pain. Just a note - Michael Jackson dancing is so 1983.


Southland Tales
Oh. My. God. If ever there was a film that could stop careers in their tracks, it would be this one. I wonder if Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Mandy Moore, et al, got together one day, had a pow-wow and decided to do something that would quickly do just that. SOUTHLAND TALES is sooo bad, even the premise of Gellar being a pornstar doesn't save it. I don't know how any of the talent in this film became attached to it. Did they throw darts at bad scripts and land one on this? It's so sad because I loved DONNIE DARKO; it's one of my Top-10 favorite films of all time and Richard Kelly just completely dropped the ball on this one. Even Jon Lovitz as a bad-ass cop couldn't keep me interested. Seriously, someone's agent needs to be fired.

There you have it - my 10 craptastic films of 2007. I can't wait for what's in store for '08. What with the writer's strike and all, maybe we'll see some decently written films for once (suck it WGA).