Days Are Just Too Long

I live each day hour by hour.  I find solace at work when, before, I didn’t.  Since Friday, I’ve gone to the gym everyday for at least an hour to an hour and a half.  When I’m not doing anything I get very angry.  And I get sad.  

I talk to people about it because I don’t care that people know I was dating a marred woman.  I don’t care that people judge me.  I wasn’t the one that split them up.  I may have been a catalyst, but I wasn’t the reason.  

Their marriage was fucked before I met them and it will be fucked long after I’ve forgotten them.  

Today, I had the need to just smash things.  I wanted to break everything at the gym.  It took all of my strength to not punch the console of the stationary bike.  After doing leg presses, I ended up punching the surface where one would put their feet to press.  

Yes, I know this woman does not deserve my attention.  She not only fucked her husband over, but she fucked me over… and numerous times to boot.  In the last year and a half, she has gone from me back to him, back to me and back to him.  This last time, she again went back to a man she left because she was unhappy.  I just don’t get it.  If you’ve been reading all of this, yes, I’ve been repeating myself over and over.  But, it’s something I cannot (CANNOT!!) understand.  Her reasoning is that she is doing what she feels is the right thing to do… her obligation to her marriage.  Going back to a man that treats her like shit and is mentally unstable (not that she isn’t stable either).  

Now, I’m counting the days until she calls me again.  I don’t think this is the last time she does this.  Sure, she says everything’s going okay now.  But, what happens when he starts second-guessing her?  What happens when he realizes he doesn’t trust her?  My other question is – why the fuck would he even take her back… AGAIN??  Don’t tell me love can conquer a barrier like that.  If he were mentally strong, I’d give him that but he isn’t.  

Not to mention the gay porn she found on his computer.  GAY PORN ON THE COMPUTER…. HELLO???  Does someone not see the writing on the wall?  

It’s easier said than done to just forget this woman and move on.  Sure, that’s the result I wish to reach but for now, these questions, these anomalies prove to just hinder me in moving on with my life.  I MUST UNDERSTAND the reasoning behind this.  

People have told me things such as she needs to grow up and that she’s confused and that she will call upon me again, even though I said goodbye.  Some have told me that she is just mental and conniving, looking for drama.  

I believe her guilt and her need to obligate this man are so great, she is willing to give up her happiness with me (she is not going to get what she wants from that relationship any faster than she would get from ours, which would have been kids and a home) and go back to a man who is controlling, insecure and possibly gay.  

I hope to one-day find out.  For now, I just live each day an hour at a time.  

If this were Fast and the Furious, I’d say that I live my life a quarter mile at a time… but I still don’t feel free.

Another Chapter over.

I wish I could take the last year and a half back.  I wish I could just wake up and be back before all this happened.  What a waste of life.  What a waste of time.

I called her today.  I wanted to tell her that it was no longer worth trying to be friends with her.  I told her it was time to say Goodbye.  Of course, she didn’t disagree.  She thought it was best for the both of us.  I then had to make sure she felt like shit before I hung up the phone.  How can anyone go back to their husband when:

-He’s gay (allegedly.  By his own admittance though)
     This is backed up by the gay porn on his computer

He’s a controlling fuck.

His willingness to take a woman back that has repeatedly cheated on him AND moved in with someone else is completely irrational.  I don’t understand it.  

Did I mention that I think he’s gay?

After all the things said between them, do they instantly forget that stuff and just start out thinking everything’s going to be okay?  Where’s the trust?  How will he trust her?  I can’t even trust her now and don’t think I ever could.  What’s he smoking that makes him think everything’s okay?

My bitterness is getting the best of me.  I wish I could just forget her and move on.  I wish this all never happened and I regret that it did.

Since the goodbye is out there now, I guess it’s closure and I can now move on.  I won’t be thinking fond thoughts on this part of my life.

Chapter: FIN.

Can Love Give You Withdrawals??

As I was writing an email to a friend I realized that I was kinda going through withdrawals.  Not from any substance, mind you, but from being with a person.  I guess a relationship is like a drug that you can become accustomed to; even addicted.  I was addicted.  This relationship meant everything to me.  She meant everything to me.  I don’t know why.  
She wasn’t all that pretty.  I mean, I thought she was good for me.  I didn’t care that she had a funny nose or that she was getting fat.  It’s not like I’m a looker either.  I’ve let myself go, unfortunately.  I didn’t care that she didn’t wear makeup or always fix her hair.  I didn’t care what she wore out or how she presented herself.  I just cared that she was with me.  

I was never embarrassed or worried.  She wasn’t perfect.  But she was for me.  

I guess, when people ask me why I loved her so much, I’ll have a reason to give them.  It’s not like her neurotic behavior or depression won her brownie points with me.  Nor did her sometimes judgmental, often ignorant accusations and outrageous statements about stupid things.  I loved her because she made me think.  She drove me crazy but she made me feel good about myself.  And she cared about me and loved me for who I was.  But I’m not first in her heart.  And that hurts.

Her downfall is her running away from all of her fears.  That’s the only thing that worries me – she’ll run away from her dreams and pleasures because her fears stand in the way.  I wish her the best in dealing with that.

She isn’t a bad person, even if she’s ping-ponged back and forth between me and her husband.  I thought this last time was it.  I guess it wasn’t.  She has a pattern, as I’ve written before.  One day it’s him.. the next it’s me.  Then it goes back and forth..  

Not this time.

Yes, I’ll always love her.  But as I detox, life will get better.  

I miss my kittens.

I miss my kittens. Two white little kittens. Bella and Sebastian. That’s what their names are. The cutest things, I tell you.



When it comes down to it, the feeling of missing my cats is far more overwhelming than missing my ex-girlfriend. Sure, the feelings of loneliness arise at times but the heat of anger and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to kick and scream overtakes any feelings of missing her that I had.

But the need to see my cats is great. I often think of them. They were such a joy to play with. So cute and loving. I miss them terribly.

I’m a bitter man.

I hate her. Though it’s not surprising that this whole thing happened, it still astonishes me that I’m in the position that I’m in. A woman who leaves her husband because she is unhappy with him to be with me only to leave me to go back to him. Going back to him after a year. First of all, it’s mind-boggling that he’d continue to take her back after each and every foray we go through but for her to flip flop from me to him (and back a few dozen times) because she can’t fucking make up her mind. Oh MY GOD! It’s something that drives me absolutely insane.

I dwell too much, I know. But, I feel as though this whole thing leaves me in a place where there is no closure. How do I move on if I don’t think there’s closure?

I don’t want to call her. I shouldn’t be the one calling her. She needs to call me.

We were together two weeks ago. Yet she was already planning to be with her husband. This is what troubles me the most. And before this she tells me she can’t be without me. What’s that all about? Though her pattern is to always run back to him, the flipside to that is that after a bit of time she runs back to me. I told her that this time she has no path back. It’s not going to happen again. How can it?

The trust is gone.

She has betrayed me once too many times. Walked all over me and took me for granted when the world didn’t tilt her way.

Yet, I question myself all the time.

Why do I put up with her shit? Why do I love her so? What makes her so special to me?

I don’t know. Really. I don’t.

Just a Quick Comment...

A quick comment about oil and gas and the fucking companies who get, refine and distribute it.  What the fuck is this about profits exceeding the billions in dollars?  Wouldn’t it be prudent to possibly take those profits and maybe… just maybe build a few extra refineries in the country to bring the prices of petrol down a bit?  More supply would bring the price down.  Doesn’t matter that the price of oil per barrel at the moment is around $62 and falling… gas keeps staying where it’s at or going back up.  So, it can’t be the price of crude futures.  Oil companies are purposely holding out to get the most bang for their buck.  I bet the stockholders are pretty happy.  Well, fuck them all.  Build some refineries in Nevada, Texas and Florida.  Make sure that there’s more than enough supply for the higher demand.  We get enough oil, there’s a shitload.  What we don’t have is enough refining.  Is that too difficult to understand?


Now…  

Raise your hand if you’re tired.  Tired of dealing with stupid people.  Tired of dealing with stupid friends.  Tired of dealing with life.  I am.  I can’t help but feel morbid.  

How about you?

Currently watching Steamboy on my PSP.  It’s pretty cool.

Blogging from work is cool, too.  I’m sure I’d get into trouble if they found out.  But what do I care?  

If I haven’t mentioned it already, the ex-girlfriend is a complete ho, dolt and selfish git.

Is it always like this? (Listening to the Cure, I am)

So… I’ve been in a relationship for the passed year or so, if you count the times when she left me and then came back and then left and then came back x 4 or 6 more times.  I always let my guard down and took her back for some strange reason.  Call me a weak, sensitive, girly man.  But give me props for feeling compassion and a need for companionship.  Okay.. just the compassion part then.

We finally broke up two weeks ago, ending a 9-month living situation together.  Though the apartment was small, it was cozy and cheap.  And gated so I wouldn’t be exposed to the dangers of bad bad people.  

So anyway, she actually decided it was time to move... without any type of discussion.   She couldn’t be bothered with living on her own, with money problems and grown-up worries.  So, she decided to move back in with her parents.  Where did this leave me?  Luckily, I have a friend with extra space in his home.  Again, where was I in this decision?  I guess called in sick that day.  

So, I see her today.  A week after we move out she’s wearing a wedding band.  She tried to be sly and remove it before I saw it but she wasn’t fast enough.  Oh yeah.. I forgot to note that she left her husband for me.  And has been flip-flopping between him and me for the last year.  I know, I know… I should have cut her off at the first sign of dissent but, again, I’m a sap who… well… loved her.  Bring in the firing squad (I’d like, for my last meal, a bottle of Maker’s Mark please) and make it quick, thanks.  So, like a cat on the prowl, I pounced on her with questions related to the damned ring.  She went back to him.. once again.  It was predictable and I knew it would happen.  But each time she goes to him, she comes back.  Well, not this time.  

I told her that I won’t be there the next time.  And that she should lose my number.  

They deserve each other.  A man that desperate and a woman that mental should be together in happiness.  

In the future buy your own damned Tiffany jewelry, too, bitch.

IQ Test in Tickle

I just took the IQ Test on Tickle.

129. That's my IQ, so sayeth them. Woo hoo! I'm is smart.