Let's discuss life.

Everyone.  Just stop.  Yes, stop.  Let’s take a look for a minute at…

Life.

Yes, life.  Did I stutter?

As I was haphazardly driving down the street singing along to some Depeche Mode song (or was it Death Cab?  I can’t remember) I was looking around and I just had this feeling that…

There is absolutely no purpose for us being alive.  
None.  Nada. Zilch.

Well, one – to procreate.  Other than that, there are no extraordinary reasons why we are on this dirt mound called earth.  We’re just a biological accident that occurred millions of years ago.  But, at least it was a “happy accident”.  Otherwise, I’d be writing this blog to no one (well, I think I’m doing that now.  But, there’s potential that someone will read this).

But, what about the birds, bees, trees, giraffes and hippopotamuses (shouldn’t that be hippopotami? Eh.. Who cares)?  They were happy accidents too.  

Of course, you have to give in to the notion that a) there is no god and b)… well, there is no b).  

Of course, along with this feeling is also the notion that nothing has a reason for happening.  It happens just because.  The notion that everything happens for a reason is absurd.  I’d love to believe in Karma.  To think, someone I know who has shat upon me will get the shaft later in this life or in the next life as a fly on a piece of shit kinda makes me feel all warm and fuzzy but let’s face it… Murphy’s Law has a better chance of working out (ie: people who shit on me win the Lotto, whereas I’d probably get hit by a bus).  

I probably didn’t squash your whole ideal of life.  I probably even pissed you off to blatantly say god doesn’t exist or that life has absolutely no meaning.  As long as you don’t go off on me like some Muslim defending Allah, it should all be just fine.  

Oh, please don’t pray for me.  It’s a waste of your time and I’m sure god is attending to other more pressing matters anyway.

Just a thought...

I feel like my life is somehow.. restricted.  Like I’m in prison or something.

It makes me crave the end of life, as opposed to the continuation of it.

How sad is that?

I keep trudging along.

I miss my friendships

While I was watching Station Agent last night it reminded me that the best times I’ve had were with friends just sitting around, talking about stupid shit and not really doing anything.  Those were good times.  I really miss that.  I had good friends once.  I mean, I still do, but not ones where we’re able to just get together and chill..

I mean, do you ever just sit around with your peeps, watch tv or listen to a CD and just say stupid shit for no reason – maybe it was a response to the radio or the tv or maybe it was just something off the top of your head or maybe you started a small discussion on the art of farting or something.

I miss my friendships.  

Virtual Primal Scream Therapy..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



AHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  

WHAT  THE  MOTHER  FUCKING  SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHH!!!!


FUCKING GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



…better…

Just Another Sunday Night..

Grey’s Anatomy is probably my most favorite show on television.  It’s sad to say but I wait week to week for every Sunday to roll round just so I can see one more episode.  I watch it not because of the three hotties, Katherine Heigl, Ellen Pompeo or Sandra Oh.  Nor do I watch it because I love the work of Patrick Dempsey.  No, I watch it because it continually reminds me of my life and what had happened and, subsequently, the pain that arose from it.  

Tonight’s episode really hit.  It was one of those where you hoped that she was watching too because it would only drive the point home more.  

How does it feel to love another, whilst having the child of a man you don’t love?  How does it feel knowing that your life will always be filled with that tinge of wonder… the wonder of a life with someone else?  How does it feel to have to lie to yourself, knowing that the perfect man got away?  

I had hope.  If she had never gotten pregnant, I would still hope each and every day that she would come back to me.  That, against all possibility and probability, she would end up leaving her husband and coming to me, because he doesn’t really love her.  And she doesn’t really love him.  Hope is something you should never abandon.  But, on the same token, you should never rely on hope as it will surely fail you in the end.  

My shrink tells me that this will affect me for a long time.  Why?  Because I pretty much placed all my eggs in that basket.  I hoped and wanted so much for us to work and I had placed all of myself into her and that this won’t soon go away.  Yes, I hate her.  But hate is just another emotion, no matter how negative.  It is still undue emotion that is being spent on her.  And each and every Sunday I am reminded of that emotion as Dr. Grey and Dr. Shepherd dance around coyly their true feelings for one another.  That they are two people that love each other and should be together but aren’t because of circumstances.  

And what Grey’s mom had said – I wish he just had enough balls to leave… that he’d rather see her kick him out than just leave. Yeah… if only…

Yes, I love Grey’s Anatomy.  It’s a great drama.  It’s entertaining and yes, I like the cast.  I also love it because it doesn’t allow me to forget.  I like that.  

Eli Roth - An Interview

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Im disgusted.

I’m disgusted.

At the last minute, I was denied my education.  Due to a problem I didn’t even know was there, I was denied admittance to the undergrad program at a university in New York.

How fucked up is that?  Had I known about the problem, I wouldn’t have submitted those transcripts for review.  Jesus Christ, what a fucking downer! After the initial shock and dismay I just became so livid I almost fucking broke something.  

A simple setback.  A minor roadblock.  I won’t let this get me down.  It’s not like my life has ended here.  There are other schools.  Unfortunately, I may have to start over.  This is the only bothersome tidbit for me.  

Just fucking livid.

Fuck!

The Last Day...

The Last Day..

31st March 2006.  It’s a Friday.  Sunrise for that day is 5:43am.  Sunset is 6:13pm.  By the time the last of the sun sets below the horizon line, I shall either be well on my way to getting my drink on or somewhat inebriated already.  I will toast to the job that has ended and embrace the new endeavours that will begin.  

I am not excited by the set date.  I’m, in fact, quite scared.  The past nine years I have woken up each morning at a set time, got ready and found myself at the place of my employment.  I have been very loyal to my employer, very faithful.  I am now jumping ship, if you will, abandoning the longest employment run of my life.

I can only compare this to a marriage.  Though I’ve never been married, I can honestly say it’s like one.  You make acquaintance, get to know and become comfortable with the job.  You spend a lot of time there, more time than anywhere else you can think of.  You commit to it, make plans around it.  You give yourself to it as it gives to you for your commitment (salary).  And now, I’m divorcing it.  Moving on to something better.  Taking a chance on something that may never pan out.  But I’m taking the chance.  Those that take chances in life are more rewarded than those who don’t.  You never know what could have lain ahead if you never took the chance to find it.  Those that take the easy way will never know the brilliance, the joy of risk.  Even in failure, risk is good.  You learn about yourself and your shortcomings and strengths.  You learn from them and succeed elsewhere.  

Thinking back to the ex, I feel she didn’t take the risk, the risk of being with another whom she loved and was loved back by.  She took the easy way because fear is comfortable.  But it’s also a hindrance, an excuse not to learn, an excuse not to experience life.  Her husband, too.  He didn’t take the chance to find himself, to better himself.  He simply took her back as the easy solution to a complicated problem.  What he could have done was move on, better himself and find it inside him the strength to change for the better.  Instead, he not only failed himself, he failed those around him.  Both of them are losers, weak and failing.  And that is why I am so much better than they can ever be.

I still have a long way to go, but I’m on the right track to becoming someone better.  I’ve moved on and am always trying to find the ways and means to become a better person.  Looking within myself and to others for guidance, fulfillment and strength.  I change because I want to.  I adapt because I can.  

I hate happy endings

They're for fools.

You know you're smug when...

You know you’re smug when…

You watch a commercial where a Jeep is underwater and think to yourself that you know cars can’t be underwater but look for the disclaimer to tell stupid people that same sentiment.

Yeah… there was a disclaimer.

Fucking stupid people.

Piper Perabo

Who remembers Piper Perabo from Coyote Ugly? Here's an interview in the latest 213 magazine...

(213): Do you believe in love at first sight?

PIPER PERABO: Yeah, I believe in love at first sight. I do. I think every time I've fallen in love, even if I didn't admit it to myself right in that first moment, when I looked back - I knew it from the start that I loved that person.

(213): Imagine Me & You throws a curve ball into the whole "happily ever after" notion. Do you believe in happily ever afters?

PP: I think it is not that simple. I think ever after is a long time and happy is a kind of narrow description of a life. I wouldn't want to just be happy. I want to be interested and challenged. I believe in great relationships that bring a lot to your life for a long time. I think happily ever after is a little narrow.

(213): Any similarities between Piper Perabo and your Imagine Me & You character: Rachel?

PP: We actually don't have very much in common, except that both of us might marry Matthew Goode if given the chance. Other than that, she and I are very dissimilar.

(213): You're a Jersey girl. How long did it take for you to get the English accent together?

PP: I had done it once before in a small film - an English accent. I went to England about a month and a half early and started working on the voice work for the film. I was still working on it up through and during the picture. I did a lot of work actually - not interesting in any way, but time consuming.

(213): Having been in character for so long, do you find yourself breaking the old English out every now and then?

PP: I do actually. It is so lame drama student, but I really like accents and I find them kind of infectious, even if I can't do them well, I can't help but try them out like somebody else's clothes.

(213): Your starring debut was in Jerry Bruckheimer's Coyote Ugly, which is obligated to have the superficial things associated with a Disney blockbuster. Imagine Me & You is bare by comparison. Is there a line of frankness that you are careful not to cross?

PP: No, if anything I want to be on that line of frankness. I very much enjoy playing real characters who are worried about other people's feelings and there isn't an obvious villain, that life is confusing and heartbreaking and wonderful. To me, that is much more interesting to play.

(213): Is London as cold and bleak as it looks on TV?

PP: I think Primrose Hill, which is where we were shooting, is actually so beautiful - those row houses and all the colors. We shot in the fall, so it is very crisp. It stopped raining. It is after the summer, but the cold yuckiness hasn't started yet, and there's this kind of crisp, colorful, witty snap to the place that I think Ol really captures. It is a great backdrop for a fast, witty, little film.

(213): What initially intrigued you about Imagine Me & You?

PP: This may sound horrible, but initially, Thandie Newton was going to play Lena Headey's role. I'm a big fan of her work. People I'm a fan of, I am constantly saying to every single person I meet that if you know anybody who can get me into the film, I want to work with so and so or so and so. And I've always wanted to work with Thandie Newton, so the first time the script came up - more than a year before we actually made it - they said that there was a part in the Thandie Newton film and did I want to try it. I read it and then Thandie didn't do it, but I was now obsessed with the script itself. It's funny and romantic. American romantic comedies are either really funny, but not really that romantic, or big love stories with jokes that fall flat. This one is both, which is well balanced and hard to do.

(213): After the success of Coyote Ugly, you must have been atop everyone's hot list. Why didn't you exploit that and make more mainstream studio films?

PP: I was a little intimidated by Coyote Ugly. It was only my third movie and it was really a level of production and work that I was not aware even existed, let alone try and execute something of that size was intimidating. I was a theater student, waitressing in New York. It was big. So I needed to get back into my own body a little bit and get my center of gravity back down and remember who I was for a minute and why I was doing it. Léa Pool's script, which I did next, Lost and Delirious spoke to me immediately. There was a pile of things that I was reading and I meant to read it one night and finish it in the morning, but I stayed up all night and finished it and read it again, sort of sobbing and loving it. I thought, "This is how I will find myself again."

(213): Were you surprised as the success of Cheaper by the Dozen?

PP: Not that much. Steve Martin is a genius - in many respects, not just acting. He's a really intelligent artist and very competent and able to carry a picture of that size, sort of bombastic, wild, bizarre hugeness. People need that kind of movie. You need a movie that you can take your whole family to at Christmas and everybody can go and not have half the family wishing they were in the other theater.

(213): The studio made the obvious sequel. Did you enjoy the process more the second time around?

PP: The first one making so much money didn't make me relax. Adam Shankman, who made the second one, is a good director. It was interesting to work with him. Also, to work with actors a second time - you know them already. You have a little history with them, so you're not just starting from the opening notes. You're kind of starting further on because you have some knowledge of each other. So it was kind of easier with all the same people in the same family. You have a little family history and that helps.

(213): Cheaper by the Dozen 2 made a ton of money. Since Cheaper by the Dozen seems like a license to print money, will you do a third?

PP: They haven't spoken to me about that.

(213): That's a yes.

PP: The kids are all growing up. We would have to start soon. I don't know how we would do that.

(213): Pull a Matrix and shoot three and four back to back.

PP: I like children, but I don't know about that.

(213): Did you enjoy dipping your toe into action films with The Cave?

PP: I enjoyed working with those actors. It was difficult because we were in Romania and it was physically grueling and very uncomfortable. It was dirty and dark and cold, Romania. It was challenging.

(213): You were a member of the National Honor Society and graduated summa cum laude from OU. You're a total nerd. You give hope to all young nerdy girls that they too can grow up a hottie.

PP: Thanks. I am still kind of a nerd. I don't know. I just hope that all, not just the nerdy girls, I hope everybody can eventually feel OK about who they are. It is hard when you're young.