OMG Finally.

Yesterday I saw a school counselor to assess my progress because I want to transfer to a university.  Currently, I'm enrolled in a local community college.  After so much time.. SO much time, I'm at the verge of being able to get into a "real" school (I know, comm colleges ARE real schools.  You get me though, right?).  Just one more class.  ONE MORE.  I walked out of the counselor's office feeling pretty good.  Relieved.  Overwhelmed. 

I have one more class to go.  And that class is... a math class.

I hate math.  I'm not good at math.  Well, the reality is: I have no patience for math.  I don't want to have to understand theorems and postulates and I hate word problems.  And I don't like the instructor.  But, regardless of how I feel, I need to pass this course. 

Anyway, I filled out my transfer application this morning and now it's a waiting game.  So, there's a lot of anxiety.  I need to pass my math class and.. I'm stressing over thinking I may have flubbed the application. 

If the earth could open up where I sit and swallow me whole, I'd be happier.

The thing is, I've been waiting for this moment for a really long time.  I've put myself through hell and sacrifice to be in this position.  Some might think that I've got it easy.  I don't think I do but each one's perspective is always going to be different.  Hell, even my ex-girlfriend thought I wasn't really taking it seriously.  To her, I say "fuck you".  Cunt. 

So, now, here I am.  Waiting.  Anxious.  Hoping.

And worried.  Worried because, when I do make it into uni, I won't know what to do next.  This has a lot to do with my living situation and how I absolutely HATE it here.  I hate it because my life has to be planned around the activities and lives of the people I live with.  My independence revolves around them.  This means... I must regain my independence.  I cannot be a full-time student and cater to the ridiculousness of this house. 

While I don't have any idea what I'm going to do, I do know Craig's List has a Roommate's Wanted section.  I'm starting there.

While I've made a lot of bad choices throughout my life and I have many regrets, I can't change anything in the past.  All I have is the now.  And the now fashions what my future will look like.   I don't want the future to be what it is now because I hate the now.

Time for a change.