I'm 40. OMG, REALLY?

So, it has passed. My birthday has come and gone and left me what I call the "Gift of Ages." It is the gift of middle age. I am now 40 and I am but a fraction closer to my goals as I was last year. But, this isn't really important right now. What is important is that I. am. forty. Forty. Let's say it together: four--teeeeee. No, I am not happy.

When one is young, one contemplates his or her future. At least, I think people do. We think about what we will do with our lives, how we expect our lives will be at 20, 30, 40 and so on. I thought that I would be pretty successful by my 40th birthday. Or, at least, independent and happy. But I am neither. Nor am I successful. I have a job making less than 10 dollars an hour. I justify this by saying I go to school. But I can't even get that right because I made the mistake of going to summer classes not prepared for the workload. That, with work, coupled with a shitty personal life (being an indentured servant), can take its toll on any able-bodied person.

I had this plan... to have the most awesome birthday party ever. It was to be epic. Drinking, dancing, music, drinking, friends, drinking and, well, drinking. It was going to be a party to mark the start of what people are calling the "new 20." Of course, it didn't happen. One cannot have fun in excess when there is no money to do it.

So, now I am 40, broke and kinda down and out. I see the whole Occupy WS movement going and I think to myself, I hoope it succeeds and everyone falls from grace. That way, it will be easier to be where I'm at. While I don't blame anyone else for the situation I'm in, it would be nice to have everyone at the same level so I don't feel as bad about myself as I do now.

When "I Love You" means nothing

I've said them. Those three words one says to his or her lover when those amorous feelings become apparent.

I love you.

I. Love. You.

But, I don't. Not really. At least, I don't think I do. Yet, I say them anyway. And, in a way, I mean it because... I don't know why. I mean, I care about her, I'd do almost anything for her but..

..and there's the "but".

I really don't think I'm in love with her.

I think we're playing this game with one another where we each tell each other that we love one another but we really don't mean it. There are unknown reasons why the relationship has to stay afloat and the L-word has to be used. Otherwise, everything falls apart. Unfortunately, I'm at that point where I'm not too concerned anymore how much things crumble and decay.

I hate when I've been drinking and I try to write something. It really doesn't make a bit of sense. At all.

Anyway, I'm not getting the feeling of love from her, nor am I really getting the feeling from myself. So, why am I still prolonging something that I know should die? And quickly.

Because I'm...

1) Lazy
I really don't want to end things because it's easy to maintain. Breakups involve feelings. Those feelings often get hurt. It doesn't matter whether or not people want to end the situation. Feelings will always get hurt. Even a little bit. Plus, it's easier to prolong something bad than ending it.

2) Horny
Don't judge.

3) Content
I really don't mind the situation I'm in. It's sex, companionship and the occasional dinner at a semi-decent restaurant. Even if I have to pay for it.

I've realized that I'm neither going to have a family or get married to this woman. And, every relationship I have makes me realize that maybe I want these things. But, I don't want it with the current person I'm dating. Then I'm reminded about past relationships and how they all seem to have gone on. A few are happily married, or will be married soon. One or two I wish I knew how they were doing.

Oh well. The beer has gotten the best of me. Again. One thing's for certain: it's time to start planning for the single life. It won't be immediate but, it will.. be. It's inevitable.

Just another day.. at the bar.

So, it's another one of those days wher I am sitting at a bar, before my scheduled work shift, waiting for the time to pass and wondering, once again, why the fuck is my life so goddamned crappy?

Words fail me at this point, but the emotions are pretty true. I can't for the life me figure out how to translate them to words.

I mean, I should be kinda happy. I made up with the girl I was dating. We are now officially boyfriend/girlfriend. This is to make sure we are exclusive (I guess the reason for her seeing another guy was.. we weren't). Yeah, it's okay, I guess. I'll get over that. But what I can't get over is the home life I endure each and every day. I'm living the Dragon Mom experience with the family I rent a room from. I swear to Christ that one day I will snap and things will most definitely go nuclear in that house. It's this environment that I am forced to live in. Yes, forced. It is not a situation I can readily leave. No money, no credit, no life. It makes for a difficult transition upwards and onwards.

This makes me terribly angry. And I don't know how much longer this anger can remain in check. My priority is finishing school. The next one is getting out of that living situation. I'm beginning to wonder if my priorities are screwed up. I'm beginning to question my judgment.

So, I am sitting at this bar, waiting for my scheduled shift to start, hoping that, one day, I will get out of this alive because, if I don't, no one will.

I've never typed a blog post on my phone before. I think I will keep that to a minimum.

Sometimes, I don't understand

So, yesterday, I found out the woman I was dating was seeing someone else. Unfortunately, I had to find out by snooping through her new phone. She had passed out drunk and I took the opportunity to check my gut feeling on the matter. And, my gut was right.

Now, I know it was wrong to look through her phone, but she would've never found out had I not found anything incriminating. Of course, it was the first thing she said when I confronted her about it -- "I can't believe you snooped through my phone!"

Yeah? Well, I can't believe you're fucking some coke-head Mexican from your job!

I think the most shocking aspect was the pic on her phone of her with this huge hickey. I mean, it's something more than I would have ever given her, even on purpose. It seemed she was real proud of it, too.

What I don't understand about this situation is.. why the fuck would one keep one guy strung along while nurturing a new relationship? I mean, regardless of the fact that she wasn't interested in exclusivity, shouldn't she be so inclined to let me know this? And, shouldn't she be so inclined as to let me know that she is dating someone else? I mean, she said she should've told me but didn't. She even lied to me about things until I confronted her.

I'm terribly angry, yet I'm so relieved that our "relationship" is finally over. I think, as time progresses, I will go through the stages of grief. How can I not? I just hope they go by quickly.

I'd like to think that my debt to bad karma has now been paid. I hope that things will go better for me in the future. Not that I believe in karma or anything.

Free Write

Postule nodes
And made-up words all jumbled inside
Hirly Tirly
Me-oh-my
And reckless abandonment
But not really
Really?
A million miles a minute but still stuck in that same hopeless spot
as a second ago not really knowing where I'm going
And not knowing where I've been
But knowing I'm going nowhere

Hirly Tirly
Me-oh-my

The same caddywumpkins and the same hickerdoodles
The same bullshit on this different day
And I'm swirling like ice cream and grape juice
In a stainless steel blender
Disgusting but probably tasty
That same sweet taste as yesterday but gone tomorrow

Hirly Tirly
Me-oh-my

Lopsided crunchymunch
Teleopop kisses
In a psychostatic wonderland of rorschach tests
Ink blots and bitches
A vagina in every stain
Really?

Me-oh-my

Because hirly and tirly are so yesterday
Bebopping to the jazz of a hundred plus years of mind-numbing bumping
That low-frequency thumping
I don't know what's coming

Oh yeah

Here we go on that epileptic journey of one thousands shakes
And no memory to show for it
All chumfuzzery with a bacon-filled dream and
Two lazy eclairs filled with someone else's priorities
But fimdiddlyful of tastiness nonetheless

Because that's what makes the million miles a minute roll like sushi on Sunday
And the rice sticky to the touch
And that feeling you get after masticating
It's dirty

Me-oh-motherfucking-tirly-my

Kaleidoscope minds are working full-time
But moving at a snail's pace in this hell hole
That hope is still there but can you blame me for not trying?
Cumdilliasms and minor twitchfissures
OMG and WTF?!
Time to harness those beasts inside
Or should they be let loose?
Out onto the sea of light green metaphors and purple waves of
I don't know... hickory? Chutney?

Hirly Tirly
Me-oh-my

Just another fucking day in a blender
Blending but without the ingredients that make
For a great milkshake
And I don't know what I'm saying anymore
It's all just saccharin sweet and cancer-causing
But it's okay because the phizzlean peacock and
the motionless monsters watch

It's all about the sacred cow
You know?
And the blue Hawaiian punch but without the
Azure tint and the electrifying taste
It's bland
But the Kool-Aid man always says "Oh Yeah!"

Me-Twiddlee-Dee

Exhausted

Holy shit! A new decade??!

Well, it looks like we're on the start of yet another decade. And I didn't even notice the first. Where the fuck does the time go? Having not accomplished anything the first 10 years of the 2000's, I think I should put down some goals for the coming year, if not the next 10.

Move out of this fucking house

I don't know if I've shared this or not but I live in a home with a family of 7 (two adults and 5 kids). Children range in age from 12 years old to 10 months. Two words can adaquately describe my feelings about this situation: fucking hell. Of course, I can't complain about the price of it all. It's free. My friend allows me to live here as long as I help out around the house, watch the kids sometimes and do things like.. well, everything. I've given up my privacy, social life, pride and my sanity just to live in this household. Is it worth it? Absolutely not. I think this is what it feels like to have sold one's soul to the devil.

Finish school

I think I live in such a horrid environment because my one and only goal for the immediate future is to finish my college education. Like most stupid 20-somethings, my priorities when I was younger were in a different place. Being young and stupid does have its consequences. So, in my late [muffle muffle]'s, I've decided that the most important task for me to complete is to get my degree. This, more than anything, is for personal achievement. I mean, where am I going to use a philosophy degree anyway? I don't even think I'll be able to get a job managing a Taco Bell with my credentials. There's a conflict in that I want out of my home situation now but it's going to take me 2 more years to complete my Bachelor's program. Maybe I'll actually try and sell my soul to the devil. It couldn't be any worse than this (I wonder if I can consign my soul).

Restart on the road to a more physically-fit me

I've done this every year since I was an embryo. Trying to get back into shape so that I can look and feel better (and get the hot chicks. Yeah!). Each year it has got harder and harder to do, especially at my old age. This year, it's no different. But, different from other years, I'm going to try this time. I don't have too many years left; my skin is starting to lose its elasticity. Maybe I should drink more water, too.

Relaunch my web and print efforts

I once had a thriving print and web zine where I wrote some really good articles, got to see some really good films and had the opportunity to talk to some really cool people. I think it's time to relaunch the effort. I mean, I have the time. I ain't gots no job. Ya know?

So, I guess I shall look at the new year with positivity. I'll keep my chin up and my feet to the ground, while keeping my cynicism and negativity in check. Some say that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. And while that light for me is still a pin prick in the fabric of darkness, it's there. And god damn it, I will eventually reach the end of this hellacious journey. One way or another.

My secondary goal, if all else fails: win the Lotto.