A New Goal

To put it bluntly, I've been entertaining the idea of suicide for quite some time. The idea of having to live the life I lead simply depresses me. It absolutely disheartens me to no end that I have not led my life into any sort of direction. I can blame everything around me but it doesn't change the fact that the only person I can blame is myself. For whatever reasons (and, to me, the reasons are good), I haven't turned my boat to sail into the direction that I want (using Obama's analogy). This slow, arduous task is daunting. This is why I've pretty much moored myself hoping that the tide will take me out on its own. (all these boating analogies. Please stop.)

It will not.

I failed to note that I am on my way to my Philosophy degree, with the goal of going on to a Masters. I played with the idea of getting a Communications degree but that's too much schooling; another 3 or so years, I believe. I just can't see myself going for that much longer. But, we'll see.

Anyway, two short years left to attain it. And yet, those two years, I foresee, will be long and painful. My focus has been on completing these last few years. I feel like that fighter pilot whose plane is crumbling away around him, his only goal is to shoot that last enemy out of the sky. My world, I feel, is crumbling away. I am in my cockpit, deciding whether or not it's time to hit the 'eject' button (from boats to planes. WTF?).

To let you know, I have it all planned. The best way to go is by train. I think it would be the most painless and effective way. I have a spot picked out where the trains go by each day. And, I can have my affairs in order rather quickly. And no, I don't have concerns about people on the train nor do I have concerns about those who are close to me. We're all selfish creatures and I am not denying my own selfish motives here.

But, I'm not going to do it. I have a new goal now. Aside from finishing school, there is something I must do. Something so important now that I can't just give up easily by taking myself out of this life. It is something that transcends the battle of good and evil.

I wish I could tell you what the goal was. It's too complicated to go into detail. But it's something that, if I don't do, the forces of evil will prevail. I can't let that happen. This is a Hiro moment, I must say (if you watch Heroes, you'll understand the reference).

Once again, I have purpose.