A thought on Suicide...

Someone I know committed suicide this week. He was a co-worker, someone I worked with for over 5 years. Our desks were next to each other. I heard the news from a friend of mine who was hysterically crying - they were very close. She told me he had killed himself.

I was shocked.

Those words - 'committed suicide' or 'killed himself' strike me. Strike me in a way that a ball would strike a pin. He and I weren't friends, just aquaintances. Yet, the notion that someone I know took their own life is just.. well.. strange. Sure, I've known people who have died, friends that were killed but never anyone who had taken their own life.

Though he and I weren't buds or bros or whatever, I still feel some sense of loss. Fuck, I worked with the guy for half a decade. In that time, he made me laugh, think, learn. I learned a lot from him. His humour was so spot-on, dry and full of wit, yet it was dark. His timing was perfect. He threw political correctness into the wind.

I knew he was emotional, he got angry a lot. Things just didn't go his way sometimes. At least not at work. We often joke about the things that bother us - we do it as a defense. He joked a lot about things I knew bothered him. But we all do it and it's a normal part of being ourselves. I knew our boss upset him a lot at work. And rightfully so. In those days before I left the company, a lot of things changed and job descriptions became more vast. He ended up doing something that just didn't suit him. It made his life even more stressful. Ultimately, he left the company, too. But I guess the stress didn't stay where it should have. I understand his life just spiraled down and things became even more stressful. He shut people out and he didn't want his friends to see him the way he was. He didn't take advantage of the friendships he had to help himself. I'm sure we'd all have obliged.

I understand, because for awhile I thought of suicide. Not just one of those fleeting passes when one gets overwhelmed and thinks - gosh, I can just end it. When my heart was ripped out from a past relationship (if you dig back enough in my blog, you can read all about it) it overtook my thoughts like a cloud of smoke. It enveloped me. Consumed me. I was looking for a way out. I toiled at ways I could do it. Crash my car into a wall, steal a friend's gun, take a lot of sleeping pills. I wasn't concerned with how I would affect other peoples' lives. I wasn't concerned that hurting others would happen. The only reason why I'm still here to type this is simple. I'm afraid of the pain I might suffer and I'm also afraid of the last few seconds of mystery our bodies go through before we die. That's the only thing that stopped me. I'm not a man of god - I'm an atheist. I don't believe in heaven or hell. Anyway, the thought of suicide hasn't left me - I think about it all the time. I'm glad I never told my therapist as I'm sure he would have had me committed.

But, that's all I'll ever do.. just think about it. The realisation of its affects have hit me, just by one man who I wasn't even close to. His actions will hurt many for years, whereas he is out of his misery. People around him now must clean up his mess. He will be a burden upon others for the rest of their lives in one way or another. Though the financial, logistical burdens may subside soon, the emotional ones will last forever. I could never do that to my friends or family. So, the thoughts will stay thoughts and when the times get tough I'll remember that nothing is worth killing one's self over. It's a permenant solution to a temporary problem.

One thing I can say about Jim, and I know he'd appreciate this (cos he'd say the same thing), is that his photographs are now worth a lot more. I tip my hat to you and may you rest peacefully now.