I did it!

Well… I did it.  I went into HR this morning and told the manager that I’m takin’ the easy way out – give me my money please!  

This will end a near 10-year run on my corporate career ladder.  Up until now, I’ve been dreading the trek each and every morning to this place.  Though I’ve found solitude at times (most recently, actually) in coming here, I feel that I’m better off in the long run not setting foot here anymore.  Though it will be awhile before I actually do get the pink slip (maybe a month or so), I am content knowing that my life will change after leaving this place.  

In the last year and a half, it’s gone from okay to cah-cah to put-a-gun-to-my-head so quickly I don’t know how I coped.  I just hope that my future brings something more memorable.

A quick note – I just want to thank my friends that have listened to all my bullshit through the past few months.  Without them, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore.  And I mean that literally.  At least I would have done it pretty SoCal style – something like a freeway chase and a police shootout… Go out in a blaze of glory, that’s what I always say.  

Why does this feel like I’m saying goodbye or that I’m accepting an award for something?  

I need a vacation.  I think I’m going to Vegas after I leave work.  I need a few days away.

A slow journey

I tell myself everyday that I need to forget.  But my mind does not want to just yet.  I am going though inner turmoil because my consciousness and my brain are on two different wavelengths (figuratively).

It makes me sad.  The angrier I get the more I want to die.  

And I’ve been excessively angry these past few days.  

The more I feel used, lied to and taken advantage of, the more I just want to either fuck them over somehow or just die.  

Loss takes you through some pretty fucked up feelings.  It’s an emotional roller coaster I never want to experience again for a while.  I believe that not everyone has ever felt this way.  Be it through a loss of a loved one, a loss of a true love, whatever, only those that have truly lost know how I feel.  

The dark places I’ve been included the thoughts of suicide.  It’s not just over a woman.  It’s over a woman I gave myself to and ended up losing myself after she left.

So, when people say I should just let go and move on have never lost on this level.  So, until you have been my shoes, you’ll never understand what it means to have truly lost.  Regardless of the level of deceit she managed to attain, I still loved her.

And this is why I am so angry.  

All I can say is that I hope to see her in hell.

My 60th post!

My 60th post. How neet.


I just got confirmation that the ex is indeed pregnant.

Get this - her husband told someone he doesn't even like and hasn't talked to in monhts who didn't even know they were back together that she was pregnant. Why the fuck would he do anything like that? What a fucktard. In turn, he told her wife who told a friend who told me.

It's just amazing -- how the fuck will this make their relationship any better? I'm absolutely dumbfounded.

Well, like I said... it's not my concern. They're both idiots for sure to bring into this fucked up world a child out of their own selfish need to make their fucked up relationship work. I feel sorry for her but not as much as I do for that child.

Downsizing is in the air

Downsizing is in the air.

First, Ford.  Then Daimler-Chrysler.  Now, the little company I work for.

The industry I work in has been comfortable for many years.  The company I work for dominated it for as long as I can remember.  Unfortunately, that is no longer the case.  Now, with digital imaging and the way it’s grown exponentially, our place as Top Dog has eroded.

So, voluntary resignations are being taken, with the hope that those of us who sacrifice ourselves for the greater good of the company will allow those who decide to take the risk of staying will get to stay for the long-term.

I am one of those that is seriously considering the act of goodwill.  

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t just up and quit for the good of my company-kind.  That would be most stupid of me.  A job, no matter how long it may last, is still a job and money is much needed in my life.  That’s why the severance package my company is offering is so attractive.

19 weeks pay.
$5,000 on top of that.
Accrued vacation and sick pay.
Plus, I get laid-off status, which will allow me to collect unemployment.

So, I can go on unemployment, collect 19 weeks worth of pay and slowly look for a job.  Fortunately, I have a side gig.  That gig is producing a indie movie zine.  Yes, I’m in the publishing business.  

With the advertising we generate, the money is slowly coming in.  Not as fast as I’d like but it’s coming in.  But, because of my full-time gig, I can’t put in as much time in the mag as I’d like so this would afford me that.

And, I’m going to start school soon.  If I start school, I can use the five grand for that, plus the government loans and stuff.  It would allow me to stop paying for the school loans I currently have as they’d become deferred again… which is good because I just don’t see the need to pay off my school loans just yet.  Not that they’re outrageous or anything.  

This is a dead-end job.  What with my reputation as a homewrecker and the fact that I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my tenure… I have nowhere else to go here.  I’ve even been told by management that my name has a great stigma attached to it… so what’s keeping me here?  

The fear of change is, of course, there.  The fear of losing security is also present.  But, the opportunity to go back to school, expand my zine and become a self-sufficient man is also very appealing.  I just don’t do well in the corporate world.  I no longer work well with stupid management not knowing what the fuck they’re talking about.  Talking to someone who’s talking out their ass is really disturbing.

It’s time to move on.  Things are happening in the world and they’re not waiting for me to catch up.  I need to grab on now before I’m too far back and not able to get with it.  

And another good reason – the ex’s husband still works here.  Though I haven’t seen or run into him in the last so many months, the chance is still there that it will happen.  I just can’t stand him.  In fact, it would take all the strength I have to just not kick him in the balls or something.  

This is not good.

So, severance package here I come.  It’ll be so nice to be able to wake up and not have to go anywhere.

On a side note –

The ex is no longer a concern for me.  I believe her to be pregnant now (don’t ask me how I know).  This concludes the roller coaster that was my pining over her.  I’ve lost all respect for her.  I’ve lost all affection for her.  Now… it’s just resentment, regret and pity.  To have a child in the midst of a relationship such as theirs is like reaching for straws while sinking in quicksand.  Say you get one.. yeah, you’ll be able to breath a bit but what happens when you sink further?  It’s sad that, in order to keep that relationship going, they would have to hurry to that point without so much as a glance at all the other problems they have with themselves and their marriage.  Oh how their misery will be forever.  

And their misery will not be mine.  

I think that this is just fine.  Just fine indeed.

Tale of two........

Before I became involved with my ex, there was another that I was absolutely infatuated with. She was the one I was trying so hard to hook up with. It sounds wrong, but while I was sleeping with one, I was chasing the other. It was a very messed up situation. Then, that moment came that the other said she was interested in getting together and I was ecstatic. I told the ex that I had to break it off because there was a chance that the one I really wanted was interested. It was an awkward experience.

Fast forward to today. The one I chased for sooo long was back. She moved back to Colorado a good six months ago but she was in town visiting. She looked so good. So many memories and feelings flooded me. We talked about the ex because she knew about the whole thing and all I could do was apologise and feel bad.

I didn’t mention that, when she left, I pretty much burned a bridge with her. But, I apologised and I continue to apologise and I always will with what I had said to her. I can never make it up because I was an asshole for what I said and it hurts so much to watch the tears fall from her eyes.

If I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t. It wasn’t worth the pain, heartache and the disrespect that I have gone through, no matter how much love I received, no matter how much sex I had. It wasn’t worth the hurt I brought to the other. It wasn’t worth what I go through now; despite the healing I’ve gained.

To Pam:

Though I love and fell in love with you, you are the mistake that will take me a lifetime to rectify. You are a regret that will always remind me. You are the disappointment that will always haunt me.

To Joy:

You are the one that will always elude me. You are the one that killed me. You are the one that I let get away when I was bent on making a shallow relationship work. Your memory will forever humble me. I will always be sorry.

Maybe one day I will be normal again. If not, there’s always the next life.

Back from NY.. unfortunately.

I was just in New York for the weekend.  It was an interesting trip.  I went with a friend who is important in the jazz scene and I had to meet with a few publicists myself (I publish a small indie movie mag).  

The trip was enjoyable, except for the walking and the hotel room.  The hotel itself was pretty cool but if you can imagine a room slightly bigger than a queen-sized bed… well, that’s how cozy it was. And we figured it would be easier to just take the subway.

New York is an amazing place.  The hustle and bustle of the city… the people walking everywhere… the taxi-to-personal car ratio… It was astounding.  The pace of the city can overwhelm anyone.  I’m from LA, where the pace is fast but NY blows it away by leaps and bounds.  You can hit 3 or 4 clubs in a night to see different shows.  Can’t do that in LA.  Last call is at, like, 6am.  If you wanted to, you can hop to a dozen clubs, see half a dozen shows and be drunk until you have to get up for work the next day.  I was rather surprised that places were bumping on a Thursday night!  Again, very un-LA.  

Plus, the fact that we were comp’d at every show saved a ton of money.  At least $300 in covers alone.  

If I were younger and out of debt, I’d seriously consider a move there.  

The sucky thing was that everything reminded me of the ex.  EVERYTHING.  Being near all of the fancy shops and things in Manhattan, I was reminded of her tastes (Coach, Tiffany, etc etc), how fun it would have been to have her with me.  To run around Manhattan with the woman you love would probably be the ultimate vacation.  

The one thing that I was reminded the most while in NY was the vacation the ex and her husband had to NY.  They had attended a wedding.  One night, the hubby got all drunk and admitted to the ex that he thinks he may be gay.  This is one of the most pivotal moments in my ex’s relationship with her husband.  Being drunk allows us to be more uninhibited, allowing true feelings and thoughts to come forth.  We’ll be more brazen with our conversations because we won’t care or we’ll talk about things we wouldn’t normally talk about.  

This, besides the gay porn she found on his computer so long ago, allows me to believe he actually is gay.  That he is hiding it and that no matter how much he tries in this relationship, he’ll always be gay.  

There’s nothing wrong with being gay.  I respect their lifestyle.  No one chooses it, just like no one chooses eye or hair color.  But, some people just don’t accept it (just like eye and hair color).  Right now, he can’t accept it.  I truly believe that.  And, I think he never will.  

Hell… I still miss her terribly.  Maybe I’ll never get over her.  This is what I’m so afraid of.  I wish I were Vulcan.

Dissed by Disney

What has come to this world where one can be interviewed… by the internet?

Today I pushed aside my pride and applied for a part-time job at Disneyland. What happened was this – I filled out their small booklet of paperwork. I then waited almost an hour and a half to be put into a room where I watched a propaganda video showcasing their “Disney Way”. Afterwards, I’m placed in a room where I’m given a web-based “interview.” This wasn’t an interview. This was a questionnaire that asks many of the same questions in different ways to measure some sort of response. To answer them by saying Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree.

After this, I am told I cannot go on in the interview process because of the answers I gave on this web-based “interview”.

Where were the questions related to my seven years of service to the Disney Company? Where were the questions in regards to the lead positions I held? Where were the questions that related to my training position I held in my department for four of those years? Yes, I worked at the Park for 7 years... 1990-97. I guess that didn't matter because, shit, I didn't answer their fucking questions to their liking.

I find it almost degrading and insulting that a company who looks for quality personnel cannot do a quality interview. I’ve never seen a cattle-call interview process such as the one Disneyland has. For a company that needs people to work there, they sure know how to pick the good ones. You cannot judge a person by the way they answer flawed questions based on Agree or Disagree situations. It confuses the questionnaire taker as well as forces them to figure out what the asker is wanting.

Unfortunately, more companies are using these psychological measuring tools to weed out those that do not conform to their views. To ask the same question over and over in different ways to try and “trip up” the subject is not only unethical in my eyes, but also weeds out those that have half a brain and can think freely and on their own. Because those that pass the test are doing so because they guessed right and gave answers they thought the Company wanted.

Six months from now, when I apply again for a part-time job at the Happiest Place on Earth, I shall remember to lie on the questionnaire so that all my answers are positive. Because that’s what they want, right? A bunch of liars who are desperate for a shitty ass job in a theme park that people think is god’s gift.

Whatever.

Emotions suck.

It's been over three months now since my break up.  I thought I was doing better; I've been seeing a therapist and trying to keep myself occupied and I was just accepted into a Bachelor's Program at a great school yet I still feel empty and lonely and unwilling to move on in my life. 
 
I saw her last week because she wanted to give me something back of mine.  I keep wondering why she didn't just send it to me.  We talked about her relationship with her husband and how he's trying but I truly believe it's all smoke and mirrors; that he's doing it all just so that she'll stay and take care of him and that he doesn't love her.  She says she loves him and needs to try to make it work, even though she admitted that all she's doing is trying to fulfull her obligations as a wife and that she was scared of committing to me -- it was easier to go back to an established marriage.  If it weren't for him, we'd be together.  How silly is that?? 
 
I told her I wanted her to be happy and that she should try her hardest to make it work because if it fails, she'll know she tried.  I told her I would never call her again but would love to eventually be friends one day, if that were possible.  In the end I told her I missed and loved her and she said the same and we held each other and kissed goodbye.  I tried to avoid kissing her on the lips but she kissed me instead.  It's the little things that confuse me, like the kiss and the embraces.  I don't know how to explain it but I could just feel "it".  It reinforces my thoughts of her being in denial.
 
Since this meeting, I have regressed back into my depression and have been worse than ever.  I keep trying to analyse everything and being logical about the whole situation.  At the same time, I'm trying to be "a man" about it -- being jovial, non-chalant, making fun, saying I'm over it but secretly I cry for her almost every day and I seriously hope their marriage fails.  It's all a lie in my eyes.
 
Yes, I need to move on.  Yes, I'll eventually heal and yes.. I'm sure there's someone better.  But, I want HER.   
 
I know she loves me.  I know she misses me.  But I know her fear and obligations are all that keep her from leaving him.  He's a weak man, always begging her to come back after apologizing and backpeddling. 
 
And I know she'll never leave him.
 
I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm trying, really I am.
 
I've come to realise that logic doesn't stand a chance when dealing with the heart.  I can come to so many logical conclusions and analyse their relationship and all the things said between them and their behaviour towards one another yet it's all out the window when it comes to fear, obligation, guilt and love.  And I feel so helpless because I want to help her see it but I can't.  I just have to watch and wait for the trainwreck to happen.  Though I don't wait for her to return, I do hope that she will.  This, too, I have to get over.
 
In my heart of hearts, I truly believe she's in love with me and wants to be with me.  But it can never be because of her obligations to him. 

Logic

Logic.

It doesn’t mix well with emotion.  

I guess those Vulcans had something there, didn’t they?  Emotions wreak havoc on our lives.  I wish I could just get rid of them.  

I’ve found Buddhism is the closest to controlling emotion and thought.  Meditation is a wonderful thing that I hope to expound on.  The journey will be long.
I’ve decided to go back to school, too.  This should be most interesting.

Anyway, logic…

When you look at one’s situation and say that it won’t work, it is based upon logic.  Emotions are a little bit more tricky..  If they weren’t, they’d be logical.

Hostel - A Movie review

But first, a few words from our sponsor.

I'm going to try very hard to accept, forget and move on. I also believe in the age old addage - if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be. It's sad that that rhymes. If she comes back, great. If not, great. I'm too bent on thinking about the possibilities of her coming back... I need to start thinking about the possibilities of her NOT coming back.

Seriously, though. I miss her terribly. A friend recently told me that I need to fight for her. I can't. She needs to realise what it is that she gave up on her own. And I need to move on realising it's not my job to save her. Whatever will be will be.

On to our Main Presentation
----------------------------

Hostel -

Disturbing. Truly disturbing. Hostel is a movie that takes horror to another level. I would compare it the ultimate episode of Punk’d, only a million times more demented. Eli Roth (Cabin Fever) wrote and directed this 95 minute story about three guys who travel through Europe looking for life experiences and a piece of ass. Paxton (Jay Hernandez) and Josh (Derek Richardson), two Americans, meet up with an Icelander called Oli (Eythor Gudjonsson) while on their travels. They end up somewhere in an Eastern European hostel after they are tipped off about all the beautiful women there by a Europimp in Amsterdam. As they take the train to the far-off Slovakian town they encounter a strange businessman who tells of beautiful women and wonderful bars. He also gives the three the creeps. Their first night in the hostel rewards them with the beauty of and carnal relations with three local girls. The next day, the terror begins.

Hostel is definitely a product influenced by the Asian horror scene. Roth pays homage to Japanese Horror-God Takashi Miike (Audition) and even gives him a bit part in the movie (suggesting that Miike participates in the madness that Paxton later finds at the “art gallery”). I was even reminded of Chan-wook Park’s work from Cut (Three… Extremes). There is no subtlety in this film. It’s gory, gruesome and scary. Very. There is also a definite influence by Quentin Tarantino, who presents this film (and is an Executive Producer). Look for the tribute on the television at the hostel (all I can say is… Ezekiel 25:17 in Czech?). There’s some fucking language and nice tits throughout. I’m sure Quentin had some input on that. If you’re into gratuitous sex and nudity, this movie is sure to please. Rick Hoffman (Bloodwork, The Day After Tomorrow) has a brilliant cameo playing a perverse client eager to participate in the bloody deeds awaiting him.

The plot is wickedly good, unpredictable and very suspenseful. After having discussed with good friend Harry Knowles (of AINTITCOOLNEWS.COM) the sickest things the Internet could offer, Roth found himself writing a plot influenced by something Harry had found; that people are willing to pay for the chance to simply murder another. It’s a smart film that any horror addict should cut off their arm to see (or, maybe someone else’s… I don’t know).

Grade – A

Last night explained

Let me explain something in hindsight and without the influence of alcohol.

Last night – yes, I made the mistake of meeting up with the ex.  She wanted to see me for whatever reason she had.  And I took the opportunity to see her because, let’s face it, I wanted to.  

What was bad was that emotion is elevated during a time when we’re programmed for it to, like Christmas.  Everyone’s emotions, no matter how much the love or hate the holidays, are always on full-tilt.  

I’m no exception.  [a quick question would be – well, Steve, you’re an atheist.  How can you feel this way during CHRISTmas?  Easy..  Haven’t you ever heard of Pavlov’s Dog?]

The fact that my emotions were hell-bent on missing her and wanting to see her that when I did, I crumbled.  I tried to maintain and I was good for awhile but after hearing that she was going back for another go – it was too much for me.  

Regardless of whether I think it will fail or not, it still hurts that the woman you love and you think loves you always chooses unwisely.  

I told her she needed to try without fail to make this work for her.  I’ve told her that so many times.  The problem is, on her journey to make it work, she ended up going to Biloxi and not to her intended destination of Hoboken.  That wasn’t her fault.  That was his for always doing something stupid – like kicking her out of the house or telling her she’s a whore or something.  

I gave her my blessing.  All I want is for her to be happy.  I want her to have what she deserves in life because, frankly, everyone deserves to be happy and everyone deserves the best (whether they choose it or not).  She is an emotionally damaged woman, who needs the help of a professional.  This, we have established.  It’s a given.  This damage is what makes her a pain in the ass to deal with at times.  This damage is what causes her to do what she does, without fail.  And I must be a masochist because it’s one of the things I enjoyed about her, because I got to take care of her emotionally.  We had an equal relationship where she took care of me in other ways.  This damage is also something that he cannot handle.  He cannot deal.  He didn’t before and he will fail again.  He hasn’t been in close quarters with her in almost a year.  And his proven track record is – he forgets pretty quickly.

We’ll see what happens.  I use the analogy of a roulette wheel and she’s the ball.  I told her I think she still hasn’t stopped bouncing yet.  And when it finally stops, I told her to call me because my money is on black.  

I did something stupid

I did something stupid tonight.  I met up with the ex because she needed to give me something of mine.  

It was too close to xmas for me to see her.  
All the feelings came back upon seeing her.  I wish I didn’t go.  She should have just mailed the thing to me.  

We talked about stuff and she revealed that she’s moving back in with her husband… so now the fun begins… I told her I give her six months.  Her only comment was that I had a right to be mad.  What she doesn’t know is that I also have the right to be right.  

I did tell her that I want her to be happy.  And I meant it.  I want her to find what she had with me.  I want him to appreciate her.  I want him to make her feel special.  I want him to truly realize what kind of love he can have with her.

Of course… he never will.

Because he’s a fucking loser-ass-fucking-bullshit bitch.

It’s the alcohol talking, I think.

But I honestly hope she finds her happiness.  I told her to try her hardest to make this work because.. well, when it fails she’ll know for sure it’ll never work out.  So, she’d better try her hardest.  

6 months…  Maybe not even that long.. neither of them want to acknowledge the elephant.


I’m drunk btw.  Absinth.  Good stuff.

Christmas Day whoo hoo!

I have a sunburn, a cold and I'm terribly full.

First time I ever played golf and I actually did all right. I played very well for my first time.

Because I'm brilliant! That's right. Brilliant. Prove me wrong.

Of course, I think golf may be a religious game.. a lot of "GOD DAMN" this and "JESUS CHRIST" that. And, a little bit of Oedipus in there as well (a lot of motherly fornication going on). tee hee!

Total tally:

1 Box of Chocolates
3 Bottles of Wine
1 Ipod Shuffle
1 Hold 'Em Players Handbook
1 Deck of cards with poker chips
1 Shot glass with a mini-bottle of Absinth
And 1 fucking pumpkin chocolate loaf of bread. [Rolling Eyes]

Merry f'ing Christmas!

Greetings all! And Merry Christmas. I hope everyone who reads this is enjoying their festive holiday season.

And for those other denominations – Happy Kwanza, Chanukah, Festivus, Christmukah, and, of course, Holidays… for the more generic celebrator.

As some of you may know, I am an atheist. Though I have strayed at times in hope that it would align me more with the woman I loved. That, however, was just foolish of me and was not a good reason why I, or anyone should stroll back to the Word. Actually, I don’t find any reason good enough to stroll back to the Word. The Word is stifling, hypocritical, egotistic and most of all almost impossible to follow without going to hell. Plus the idea of an omnipotent, omnipresent and benevolent being watching over us is absurd. However, if it gives you comfort believing this tripe then more power to you. Again, I thank my ex for giving me insight to further examine this issue and ridicule fundie beliefs as well as Intelligent Design (religious bias wrapped in pseudo-science).

Yes, I’ve begun to read the bible. It’s a good book of mythical stories and as such, should be read. It should also be read to combat those who use it to pass judgment on those they find morally and ethically inferior.

In regards to the bible, I’d highly recommend watching Penn and Teller’s Bullshit show on Showtime.

Linky!

Click the Linky to watch this particularly good episode.

Also, here is a story of a woman who has, over a period of a decade, found her way from fundamentalist Christianity to Athiesm… all on her own. It took me over 5 hours to read this so be prepared to sit awhile. It’s almost 100 pages worth. It’s worth it though.

So why am I spouting off my beliefs? Because I can. Since others do it, and more so than we atheists, why can't I?

And why am I saying Merry Christmas? After all it's a Christian holiday, is it not? Well, not really. It's based more on Pegan rituals than anything else. Tree? Pegan. December 25th? Pegan (to celebrate Winter Solstace) once again. Christ was not born in December, sorry to say. He was born somewhere between March and May... I've since been given proof that he at least existed. Plus, Xmas is more of a commercial holiday now, celebrated round the world by Christians and non-Christians alike.. Oh well..

We all Need a "life" workout buddy

I recently watched an interview with Angelina Jolie (though, maybe I didn’t catch the whole interview but this is what I garnered).  She’s one hot cookie, let me tell you.  Anyway..

This was something I completely agreed with and what kinda makes me still depressed after all this time.  When you accomplish something great in your life, it doesn’t mean much when you can’t share it with someone you truly care about.  Sure, it should make me feel great about myself and all, and it does.  I’ve accomplished many a great task and feat.  In certain times, I didn’t feel melancholy when I didn’t have anyone to share my triumphs because I didn’t have anyone that I cared for as much as I recently did.  Feeling proud of yourself is only amplified when you have another who is proud of you too.  

So, lately, I’ve been pretty lethargic when it comes to doing things that I know will be great or have significant impact in my life because it’s really not all that when you can’t share it.  

Maybe I want to have bragging rights or maybe I want to impress another but I certainly am not asking for approval or the like.  In life, a partner who is of great importance drives us to be better, to make us try harder.  It’s their job.  To make us feel special and to make us feel we can do more than we set out to do; it’s something we should all do for our significant other.  On our own, we may be ambitious and we may strive to work harder but we’ll never get that last set done without a partner.

My photographic side-gig

A friend of mine is shooting a movie. No, not a student movie or a wanabe movie but a movie he plans to submit to different film festivals for consideration. Hopefully, it will make direct-to-video or something of the sort. It's the story of a guy named Danny McKay (the movie is called The Danny McKay Project) who finds out he has a cancerous tumor in his brain. It's filmed more like a documentary - everything is shot with a digital hand-held.

The story is sad. I cried when I read the script. It was very emotional. I wasn't the only one - I found out many on the crew cried when they read the script. Not that it makes me feel better to know that. It's one of the best scripts my friend has written. I was very moved. I have no doubt he will be able to get on film what he put on paper. Not only is he a talented writer, he is also a talented director.

So... My job is Still Photographer. If you've ever seen promo shots of actors in a movie, those aren't the scenes from the movie itself. There is actually a photographer on-set that takes the photographs you later see on the DVD box, the movie poster, in promo shots for writers and reviewers... they're not taken from the movie itself. This job is fan-fucking-tastic. I'd give my left testicle for a job like this in the movie biz. It's fun, it's behind the scenes, it's easy and there's a lot of money in it. Unfortunately, it's a hard gig to get into. You need to know someone. And even then, good luck.

Anyway, the following are just some of the pics from behind the scenes. They're off my digital camera. I've got stills on film for the promo collateral. I'll have those tomorrow. I can't wait to see them.

This makes things very hard for me. On one hand, I want to move away.. to start anew. Yet, my friend is so close to getting a movie deal on something he wrote and he'll most likely direct. If this happens, I'll get the job of being the set photographer as he'll hire me for the gig. It's not like this will happen in the next year but I may move in that time. I'd have to friggin' move back! In any case, it's something I have to keep open as an option because I know he'll make it. It may sound shallow but I'm waiting for his success so that I can succeed as well. Unfortunately, it's a position you have to wait for someone else to succeed to get. Just a hope... Anyway, here are some shots.. Oh, and the main character looks a lot like Matt Damon.. and the costume designer looks a hell of a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker. How strange.

Chicago's the deal breaker

It was the trip to Chicago that made me realize that I did not want to live in California anymore.  Yeah, sure, it’s nice and all; the Southern California sun, the Hollywood celebrity scene, the fantastic looking, shallow fucking bitches that live for their BMW’s and Botox injections.  It’s all great, until you want to live a life that is semi-realistic.  I’m nowhere near Paris Hilton rich… hell, I’m not even near Gary Coleman rich.  Living in Los Angeles is not something that can be sustained on an 8-to-5 job without roommates or without working a second job at Wal-Mart.  And right now, I don’t have either.  

Chicago has its downfalls – one in particular is the snow.  Driving in the snow is terribly dangerous if you’ve never driven in it before.  It’s something like an acquired taste.  If you haven’t done it before you better do it slowly.  One time I was in Fairbanks, Alaska in June and it snowed the week I was there.  It’s not supposed to snow in June, from what I understand.  What the fuck was nature thinking?

Of course, Los Angeles has the culture, restaurants, the beaches, the nightlife.  Chicago does, too.  Well, except for the beaches of course, unless you want to hang out at Lake Michigan.  

It really isn’t that Chicago is the place I want to move to, it’s because it’s the most tolerable and socially acceptable place I’ve been to.  Sure, San Antonio, Dallas, Seattle (hell, even New Jersey was decent) and some other places were nice but Chicago has a charm that I can’t seem to find anywhere else.  

Plus, I want to start anew.  Not having a place I can call my own and having an ex-girlfriend that I still have feelings for, there really isn’t anything left here that I want to deal with.  It’s not that I want to run away; there’s nothing to run from.  It’s better to get away from it all and just reestablish myself and not have the stigma that holds me down like bricks on a Mafia snitch.  (Hey, Mafia reference, Chicago… gangster… yeah!)

Secretly, I wish I had someone I could just move here with (yes, I’m sitting in the airport typing this) and just root into society and begin again.  I wish things were that simple.

Another plus in moving here is the women.  They’re attractive yet down-to-earth and obtainable (not in an object sort of way, mind you).  They aren’t as shallow minded as Los Angeles women and are much more interesting.  Another plus – I can transfer in my company.  I’m sure I could get a position out here, even if I have to “downgrade”.  I just need a foothold before I go all willy-nilly in finding a new job.  

I just want to find my zone, my happiness… my life.  I want to be someone and it’s not happening here in So Cal.

Women are just lying sacks...

Why don’t you women just admit it – you’re shallow bitches who, if you found a drooling, one toothed, smelly homo dude with millions of dollars you’d think he was a wonderful man that you thought was “kinda cute”.

I can’t say that I’m in my physical peak.  I’ve got a few pounds I’ve got to lose.  But my personality more than makes up the way I look.  I don’t think I’m hideous – I’m not grossly overweight.  I don’t waddle when I walk, I don’t need a cane, and my calves aren’t bigger than my head.  I can do pushups, sit ups and I can actually do an hour of cardio at the gym.  

However, I do have the personality and wit to more than adequately make up for any physical “discrepancies” I may have.  I’m intelligent, cocky and sometimes I’m actually confident.  

What really pisses me off is the notion that these women on different online dating sites are looking for a guy that is funny, witty, intelligent and can hold a conversation.   That looks don’t really mean anything to them (well, some of them, so they admit).  But, a lot of them actually state what they would accept and hey.. I fit under those guidelines.

Then, why I say.. WHY do they not answer.  Some are nice and actually they they’re not interested but what the fuck does it mean when they don’t even answer at all??!  I’m beginning to think that women are just full of shit.  No matter what they look like, they’re looking for someone who is a super model.  

Not to mention that they’re looking for a super model with money.

Bitches.  Fucking gold-diggers.

Yeah, I’m kinda bitter.  And after watching the Victoria’s Secret model show on tv, it solidified even more for me the notion that I’ll never have a gorgeous woman like those on the runway.  This isn’t being negative or thinking I’m not worthy (frankly, I think they’re not worthy of me) but if my feelings are true, women are lying sacks of shit.

If you’re not.. well.. give me a call….  I really need to get laid.  (and, I’m good at that, too)

Happiness is a Lifetime Achievement

Happiness.  It’s the brass ring we all strive to grab on the Merry-go-Round of life.  Some may have actually touched it, jiggled it off of the hook, maybe even think they have it but… I think happiness is something that we all strive for but never really achieve.  Yeah, some say they’re happy.. at the moment… or for now.. But what is happiness?

It’s elusive, intangible, fleeting.  It’s something we think we are but probably strive to become more of.  How can you be ‘more happy’?  If you’re happy, you’re happy.  End of story.

When someone asks me what I want to be I have to say – I don’t think about jobs or status or anything.  I think about wanting to be happy.  Wanting things to just.. fall in line so that I can be happy with my life.  Unfortunately, I don’t think happiness is attainable.  Sure, we are happy today or maybe this week.. Hell, we may even be happy for a couple months or a year but… life changes too much for us to remain happy for any given time.  I wish life was much more simple than it is to where I can sit back, pop open a beer and be happy for the rest of my life.  But I can’t.

I’m still striving just to be happy day-to-day.  I’m getting better at that, but I don’t see long term just yet.  

I think those people that say they are truly happy have either given up on life, stopped striving to become better or can’t find that next level or are just lying to themselves.  Can you really say you’re truly happy?  I don’t think I could.  Well, I can’t say that I’m remotely happy now.

What would make me happy anyway?  The next bonus check?  The new car in my garage?  The next great lay?  Three kids, a pony and some Grape Nuts?  No, I can’t say any of those would make me truly happy.  Though I know that in the next year my happiness will go up by me being more selfless, by helping others gain a foothold in the story of life and making things just a little better for someone else.  I want to donate not my money but my time, my knowledge, my compassion.  I think that would get me on the road to happiness and may make me feel better.. but it won’t make me truly happy.

Happiness is a lifetime in attainment.  It might even be the Nirvana Buddha had envisioned.  It’s not something that comes to us in an epiphany.  It’s something that, by the time we’re ready to die, we’ll finally have a grasp on.  

The next time you think you’re happy, ask yourself – could you die that very minute.. for real?  I mean, if life ended right at that very moment it’d be okay?  Because you’re happy?  I think not..  because if you are, I want to see you clutching that brass ring with all your heart.  

Anyone? Anyone?? Bueller?

HEY!

Are any of you slackers a member of the Orkut online member community? I WANT ACCESS! Not that I know any Brazillians (most of the people on Orkut) but I'd like to make more friends than I already have. Isn't that sad? And since I think Friendster is a big fucking joke, I want to be elite (or as they say in geekspeek -- 1337!)

Email me an invite if you're a member. I'll be your friend!