So check it out - join if you want.. if you know me you can join my friends. If not, you can guess and join everyone who's a friend of the DMP.
Friday, April 07, 2006
MySpace?
So I'm on MySpace now, though I'm not going to give you my URL for it. I am, however, going to share a project I worked on. I was the still photographer for a movie shoot called THE DANNY MCKAY PROJECT. Click on the linky:
So check it out - join if you want.. if you know me you can join my friends. If not, you can guess and join everyone who's a friend of the DMP.
So check it out - join if you want.. if you know me you can join my friends. If not, you can guess and join everyone who's a friend of the DMP.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Two days into being jobless
Two days into not having a job and I’m more busy now than I was when I was working. This is what happens when you go from your real job to your “other” job.
I walked away from my boring, useless job and turned to something that is scary, new and not stable. And it passes the day a lot better than any job I’ve ever had. I can’t keep up. I find myself juggling so many things, calling and emailing so many people and trying to keep track of everything without having to backtrack for an hour. I managed to email a few different people the same thing because I couldn’t remember if I had contacted these people earlier in the day.
I’ve never had to be this organized before. Now, I find that I can’t do anything unless I’m more organized.
I’m calling publicists, writers and promoters. I’m calling the people who run the Arclight, AFI and the representatives of Tribeca. I’m shooting the shit with people who work for the most famous people on the planet and hoping I can get a screening of their movies after it all. It’s all very new to me.
It’s all very scary.
But I like it.
I’m learning something new every day and I find myself becoming excited. At the end of the day I’ve juggled so many things and pushed something from Point A to Point B. I got complimented from someone I’ve never met but have jumped through hoops to get her what she wanted just so that she’ll work for me in the future.
And just last week, I was working a cushy 40-hour workweek sitting on my ass surfing the Net. Today, I hardly have time to shit.
And in the end, I’m no longer trapped by the 40-hour workload. I’m no longer trapped being told what to do by stupid people who are running the company I worked for into the ground. I’m no longer worried about running into that faggot husband of the Ex whom I hold more hatred for than anything on the planet.
And, in the end, I hold just one thought that keeps me grounded. This thought?
Just what the fuck AM I doing??!
I walked away from my boring, useless job and turned to something that is scary, new and not stable. And it passes the day a lot better than any job I’ve ever had. I can’t keep up. I find myself juggling so many things, calling and emailing so many people and trying to keep track of everything without having to backtrack for an hour. I managed to email a few different people the same thing because I couldn’t remember if I had contacted these people earlier in the day.
I’ve never had to be this organized before. Now, I find that I can’t do anything unless I’m more organized.
I’m calling publicists, writers and promoters. I’m calling the people who run the Arclight, AFI and the representatives of Tribeca. I’m shooting the shit with people who work for the most famous people on the planet and hoping I can get a screening of their movies after it all. It’s all very new to me.
It’s all very scary.
But I like it.
I’m learning something new every day and I find myself becoming excited. At the end of the day I’ve juggled so many things and pushed something from Point A to Point B. I got complimented from someone I’ve never met but have jumped through hoops to get her what she wanted just so that she’ll work for me in the future.
And just last week, I was working a cushy 40-hour workweek sitting on my ass surfing the Net. Today, I hardly have time to shit.
And in the end, I’m no longer trapped by the 40-hour workload. I’m no longer trapped being told what to do by stupid people who are running the company I worked for into the ground. I’m no longer worried about running into that faggot husband of the Ex whom I hold more hatred for than anything on the planet.
And, in the end, I hold just one thought that keeps me grounded. This thought?
Just what the fuck AM I doing??!
Friday, March 24, 2006
My last post from work.
This will be my last entry from work. It has been a blast.
They’re actually kicking me out of the office a week early because, they say, there isn’t enough room for me while they remodel the office.
So, to those I’ve given this address to that I knew before. Take your time, read through the last year and try and figure out whom I’m talking about.
Wow.. I’m kinda sad. This is rather depressing.
They’re actually kicking me out of the office a week early because, they say, there isn’t enough room for me while they remodel the office.
So, to those I’ve given this address to that I knew before. Take your time, read through the last year and try and figure out whom I’m talking about.
Wow.. I’m kinda sad. This is rather depressing.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
The Flying Spaghetti Monster!
I just may become a convert. I found out about this little religion after reading about the Arch Bishop of Canterbury saying he doesn’t believe creationism should be taught in schools.
Click Here.
FSM, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, is yet another incarnation of a great powerful being that created the universe and all the laws of nature. When scientists measure the age of things, the FSM will change the readings to make sure we think the earth is older than it really is. The FSM (and the resulting religion of Pastafarianism) states that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the mountains, trees and… a midget. This is my understanding, anyway, as I am new to this enlightening way of thought. Also, if you don’t become a pirate, you will make him mad. As a result of fewer pirates throughout the ages, global warming has increased.
See chart. (Because HOT LINKING is good)
To “balance” the teaching of ID (Intellectual Design) in schools, the fine people who spread the Word of FSM thought it would only be fair and educational that students subjected to ID should also be subjected to FSM AND evolution. Taken from a letter to different school boards:
I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.
It seems FSM has taken on a large cult following. It also seems to me that this school of thought is just as valid as any other religious school. Christianity, Islam, Greek Mythology all are on par with Pastafariism (I’m only guessing that that’s how it’s spelled or called).
I haven’t seen any other rules or guidelines to this new religion but I dare say it seems to be the most liberal, even beyond the Episcopalian values. It also seems the least hypocritical. And the followers are much better looking, younger and more hip.
So, sign me up, give me a pirate suit and call me a Pastafarian… ARR!
Let His Noodly Appendage touch thee!
** This just in - THEY'RE RELEASING A BOOK! Check them out on Amazon.com.
Click Here.
FSM, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, is yet another incarnation of a great powerful being that created the universe and all the laws of nature. When scientists measure the age of things, the FSM will change the readings to make sure we think the earth is older than it really is. The FSM (and the resulting religion of Pastafarianism) states that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the mountains, trees and… a midget. This is my understanding, anyway, as I am new to this enlightening way of thought. Also, if you don’t become a pirate, you will make him mad. As a result of fewer pirates throughout the ages, global warming has increased.
See chart. (Because HOT LINKING is good)
To “balance” the teaching of ID (Intellectual Design) in schools, the fine people who spread the Word of FSM thought it would only be fair and educational that students subjected to ID should also be subjected to FSM AND evolution. Taken from a letter to different school boards:
I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.
It seems FSM has taken on a large cult following. It also seems to me that this school of thought is just as valid as any other religious school. Christianity, Islam, Greek Mythology all are on par with Pastafariism (I’m only guessing that that’s how it’s spelled or called).
I haven’t seen any other rules or guidelines to this new religion but I dare say it seems to be the most liberal, even beyond the Episcopalian values. It also seems the least hypocritical. And the followers are much better looking, younger and more hip.
So, sign me up, give me a pirate suit and call me a Pastafarian… ARR!
Let His Noodly Appendage touch thee!
** This just in - THEY'RE RELEASING A BOOK! Check them out on Amazon.com.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Wow Ten days to go.
Wow. Ten days to go. It’s almost here. My exit from the corporate world. It’s becoming more and more real each day, as co-workers ask me when my departing date is or what I’m going to do after I’m out of here. It’s all very weird.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Johnny Depp
I find Johnny Depp most fascinating. His portrayal of John Wilmot in The Libertine (2004) is so… Depp. He always tackles roles that are out of the way, intellectual and stunning. If I were a gay man, I’d be licking the television screen to taste his utmost in sexual power. He is charismatic, honest, dirty. I’m glad I’m watching an Oscar screener at home and not sitting in the theatre embarrassed by my fascination. The only bad thing about watching an Oscar screener is that it has THE WEINSTEIN COMPANY tattooed at the top of the screen, along with the code number so that, if I were to ever sell this out on the street, they’d know it was me that did it, not that I’d ever sell/give/trade this screener away. I really like this movie thus far.
In Libertine, I see that there are two actors from a British comedy called Coupling, a rather hilarious show. They tried it here in the States without success. I’m surprised that the Office made it this far.
Anyway, this does not make me gay. At least I hope not. Well, I know I’m not gay but a man like Depp will sometimes make you wonder.
In Libertine, I see that there are two actors from a British comedy called Coupling, a rather hilarious show. They tried it here in the States without success. I’m surprised that the Office made it this far.
Anyway, this does not make me gay. At least I hope not. Well, I know I’m not gay but a man like Depp will sometimes make you wonder.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Yahoo! Answers Rocks
So, I’ve become quite addicted to Yahoo! Answers. It’s a Beta service that Yahoo put out where people ask the stupidest questions and you get points for answering them. It’s 2 Pts per question answered. If someone picks your answer as the best, you get 10 pts. If someone votes your answer as a good one, you get 1 pt. If you ask a question, it costs you 5 pts.
Seriously, you can sit on there for hours just answering stupid questions, pointing out the stupidity of others. Sometimes, I’ll actually give people a good answer but most of the time I’m just there to point out how people can’t spell, or there questions are lame or just, in general, try to be funny. I especially like the questions dealing with religion, life on other planets or philosophy. I like trying to be the first to answer the questions but other times, I just need to jump in after I’ve read everyone’s lame-ass answers. Then I’ll come in and ridicule the person asking the question as well as the other people who’ve answered. It makes me feel like a real man.
So, checking the stats of other people, there are actually people on there that have point totals in excess of 25,000 pts. I have almost 900. I’ve been on it for two weeks. I wonder how often these people are on there to have amassed over 25k pts?? And I thought I was a loser.
You should definitely check it out – http://answers.yahoo.com. You’ll need an account over at Yahoo, but don’t let that stop you.
Seriously, you can sit on there for hours just answering stupid questions, pointing out the stupidity of others. Sometimes, I’ll actually give people a good answer but most of the time I’m just there to point out how people can’t spell, or there questions are lame or just, in general, try to be funny. I especially like the questions dealing with religion, life on other planets or philosophy. I like trying to be the first to answer the questions but other times, I just need to jump in after I’ve read everyone’s lame-ass answers. Then I’ll come in and ridicule the person asking the question as well as the other people who’ve answered. It makes me feel like a real man.
So, checking the stats of other people, there are actually people on there that have point totals in excess of 25,000 pts. I have almost 900. I’ve been on it for two weeks. I wonder how often these people are on there to have amassed over 25k pts?? And I thought I was a loser.
You should definitely check it out – http://answers.yahoo.com. You’ll need an account over at Yahoo, but don’t let that stop you.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Cheating, the Radio and me!
So yesterday, I was listening to one of the local talk-radio stations while driving out to Los Angeles and on the show was the producer of Cheaters, the television show that catches cheaters in the act, blah blah blah. So, they’re talking about how people got caught cheating and one of the loser hosts on the show says (paraphrasing), you know, cheating isn’t THAT bad. You can forgive. So, I call. And I ask the dude, what about this situation where the woman cheating leaves her husband for the guy she’s cheating on (me), lives with him for almost a year but then goes back to the husband who takes her back? The words I hear? “What a doormat!” “Yeah, he’s probably really needy.” I started laughing. I mean, come on. There are situations where, yes, you can forgive the spouse for cheating on you. Let’s say the spouse has a few incidents of cheating where maybe they saw a few different people on different business trips. Or maybe, just a few times going out and they were in a good situation.
But NEVER when you know the dude she’s cheating on you with! Or when it’s over a year-long or when she MOVES IN with him!
I find it funny that people can say.. oh yeah, the cheatee can forgive the cheater. There are stipulations. Forgiveness is never full and trust never returns. I know. I’ve been cheated on. I had a GF who cheated on me with my best friend. Twice. I forgave her the first time but the second time I dumped her ass. But, not quickly. I told her we’d wait until our 2nd year anniversary (which was soon coming) before I broke up with her. And, I broke up with her on that day. It boggles my mind how she never broke up with me, knowing it was inevitable. I guess she had hopes that I would stay.
So, I know what it’s like to be cheated on who cheated with a friend. And I know I’ll never forgive the next girl that would cheat on me, regardless if it’s a new relationship, a long-term or even in marriage. That chick is gone. And, if it’s with someone who I know, they better buy a wheelchair before I find them because once I do, they’ll definitely need it.
I’ll always think of the husband and how much of a loser and how weak he is. And then I’ll think of her and think of how much I wasted my time and how they both deserve the misery they’ll have with each other.
Onto other notes…
I’m writing a script. Yeah, us Hollywood wanabe’s need to keep busy by writing yet another script. Maybe I’ll post it on here when I’m finished.
It’s about a guy… who loses a girl… who was married… (You see where this is going, don’t you?)
I decided to take aspects of what I knew and write it into a screenplay. Of course, the ending isn’t as sad as what I went through but it isn’t a happy one either. It’s more macabre, really. It involves a gun and that’s all I’ll write. But, I’ve written about a quarter of it already. It’s about Jason, who’s still coping a few months after a break up with a woman he fell in love with, Rachel. When Rachel asks to see him for one last time, things turn for the worst for Jason.
We’ll see where it goes from there. I wonder what my shrink will think.
But NEVER when you know the dude she’s cheating on you with! Or when it’s over a year-long or when she MOVES IN with him!
I find it funny that people can say.. oh yeah, the cheatee can forgive the cheater. There are stipulations. Forgiveness is never full and trust never returns. I know. I’ve been cheated on. I had a GF who cheated on me with my best friend. Twice. I forgave her the first time but the second time I dumped her ass. But, not quickly. I told her we’d wait until our 2nd year anniversary (which was soon coming) before I broke up with her. And, I broke up with her on that day. It boggles my mind how she never broke up with me, knowing it was inevitable. I guess she had hopes that I would stay.
So, I know what it’s like to be cheated on who cheated with a friend. And I know I’ll never forgive the next girl that would cheat on me, regardless if it’s a new relationship, a long-term or even in marriage. That chick is gone. And, if it’s with someone who I know, they better buy a wheelchair before I find them because once I do, they’ll definitely need it.
I’ll always think of the husband and how much of a loser and how weak he is. And then I’ll think of her and think of how much I wasted my time and how they both deserve the misery they’ll have with each other.
Onto other notes…
I’m writing a script. Yeah, us Hollywood wanabe’s need to keep busy by writing yet another script. Maybe I’ll post it on here when I’m finished.
It’s about a guy… who loses a girl… who was married… (You see where this is going, don’t you?)
I decided to take aspects of what I knew and write it into a screenplay. Of course, the ending isn’t as sad as what I went through but it isn’t a happy one either. It’s more macabre, really. It involves a gun and that’s all I’ll write. But, I’ve written about a quarter of it already. It’s about Jason, who’s still coping a few months after a break up with a woman he fell in love with, Rachel. When Rachel asks to see him for one last time, things turn for the worst for Jason.
We’ll see where it goes from there. I wonder what my shrink will think.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
What Comic Retards
I’ve had enough. Enough of this whining and moaning that the Muslims are being dissed by this STUPID Danish cartoon. Now, I haven’t seen the cartoons and I’ve looked all over the net for them. I’d really like to see what the hub-bub is all about.
So, this week, there was a showing at UC Irvine of the cartoons (along with other racially abhorrent ones) in question to stimulate a discussion amongst different faiths and creeds.
It turned into a bash-o-rama. People were getting pissed, getting all butt-hurt and angry… what the fuck, people? Can’t you just move along and get over it? It’s like everyone’s dissin’ on yo mama or something.
Please. Listening to NPR, I heard a comment from someone saying that free speech may be protected but with that right comes responsibility. That these cartoons shouldn’t be shown because they will provoke violence, hate and racism (or religious intolerance of some sort) is just ludicrous. First, if I make something that potentially insults, angers or otherwise makes you think – regardless of its negativity – those should not be grounds for it to not be created or shown. The other side of the above statement is that one should not be provoked so easily by something that may insult you. If you have any restraint, respect or responsibility, you would simply ignore it or, if you have to, calmly comment on it and then move on.
What gets me are those people that get all fucking bent, yell and scream about the issue and then burn down a billboard or smash a bus. All the cartoonist did was create a comic. Though he had no intent of inciting worldwide violence (and even if he did), all he did was create a comic. It’s those that reacted to it that caused the violence, caused the uproar, caused themselves to become emotionally imbalanced to the whole thing. If they were responsible, caring and faithful, they would simply ignore it and move on.
But what about all the hate it would generate against them? Don’t you think the Muslim community is getting more hate brought on by their actions? If they had just sat by, accepted it, condemned it and moved on this wouldn’t be happening. They are the ones that made it more evil than it really is.
I, for one, am comfortable in my faith (I faithfully believe that there is no god). If you call me a monkey, ape, Satanist, whatever.. So what? I know what or who I am. What you say about me isn’t going to change who I am or what my outlook is. It’s not going to make my life anymore different. So why the fuck should I care? And if I don’t do anything about it, it goes away. It’s that simple.
If the Muslim community would have just let it go and not make a fuss, this would be a dead issue. People in the world can go on and live another day and not have to worry about possibly getting killed because of some stupid cartoon.
Just another ‘Yo Mama..’ situation.
Gotta love the stupid and ignorant. Put that energy to better use. Plant a tree or something. Jeezus!
So, this week, there was a showing at UC Irvine of the cartoons (along with other racially abhorrent ones) in question to stimulate a discussion amongst different faiths and creeds.
It turned into a bash-o-rama. People were getting pissed, getting all butt-hurt and angry… what the fuck, people? Can’t you just move along and get over it? It’s like everyone’s dissin’ on yo mama or something.
Please. Listening to NPR, I heard a comment from someone saying that free speech may be protected but with that right comes responsibility. That these cartoons shouldn’t be shown because they will provoke violence, hate and racism (or religious intolerance of some sort) is just ludicrous. First, if I make something that potentially insults, angers or otherwise makes you think – regardless of its negativity – those should not be grounds for it to not be created or shown. The other side of the above statement is that one should not be provoked so easily by something that may insult you. If you have any restraint, respect or responsibility, you would simply ignore it or, if you have to, calmly comment on it and then move on.
What gets me are those people that get all fucking bent, yell and scream about the issue and then burn down a billboard or smash a bus. All the cartoonist did was create a comic. Though he had no intent of inciting worldwide violence (and even if he did), all he did was create a comic. It’s those that reacted to it that caused the violence, caused the uproar, caused themselves to become emotionally imbalanced to the whole thing. If they were responsible, caring and faithful, they would simply ignore it and move on.
But what about all the hate it would generate against them? Don’t you think the Muslim community is getting more hate brought on by their actions? If they had just sat by, accepted it, condemned it and moved on this wouldn’t be happening. They are the ones that made it more evil than it really is.
I, for one, am comfortable in my faith (I faithfully believe that there is no god). If you call me a monkey, ape, Satanist, whatever.. So what? I know what or who I am. What you say about me isn’t going to change who I am or what my outlook is. It’s not going to make my life anymore different. So why the fuck should I care? And if I don’t do anything about it, it goes away. It’s that simple.
If the Muslim community would have just let it go and not make a fuss, this would be a dead issue. People in the world can go on and live another day and not have to worry about possibly getting killed because of some stupid cartoon.
Just another ‘Yo Mama..’ situation.
Gotta love the stupid and ignorant. Put that energy to better use. Plant a tree or something. Jeezus!
Monday, February 27, 2006
Let's discuss life.
Everyone. Just stop. Yes, stop. Let’s take a look for a minute at…
Life.
Yes, life. Did I stutter?
As I was haphazardly driving down the street singing along to some Depeche Mode song (or was it Death Cab? I can’t remember) I was looking around and I just had this feeling that…
There is absolutely no purpose for us being alive.
None. Nada. Zilch.
Well, one – to procreate. Other than that, there are no extraordinary reasons why we are on this dirt mound called earth. We’re just a biological accident that occurred millions of years ago. But, at least it was a “happy accident”. Otherwise, I’d be writing this blog to no one (well, I think I’m doing that now. But, there’s potential that someone will read this).
But, what about the birds, bees, trees, giraffes and hippopotamuses (shouldn’t that be hippopotami? Eh.. Who cares)? They were happy accidents too.
Of course, you have to give in to the notion that a) there is no god and b)… well, there is no b).
Of course, along with this feeling is also the notion that nothing has a reason for happening. It happens just because. The notion that everything happens for a reason is absurd. I’d love to believe in Karma. To think, someone I know who has shat upon me will get the shaft later in this life or in the next life as a fly on a piece of shit kinda makes me feel all warm and fuzzy but let’s face it… Murphy’s Law has a better chance of working out (ie: people who shit on me win the Lotto, whereas I’d probably get hit by a bus).
I probably didn’t squash your whole ideal of life. I probably even pissed you off to blatantly say god doesn’t exist or that life has absolutely no meaning. As long as you don’t go off on me like some Muslim defending Allah, it should all be just fine.
Oh, please don’t pray for me. It’s a waste of your time and I’m sure god is attending to other more pressing matters anyway.
Life.
Yes, life. Did I stutter?
As I was haphazardly driving down the street singing along to some Depeche Mode song (or was it Death Cab? I can’t remember) I was looking around and I just had this feeling that…
There is absolutely no purpose for us being alive.
None. Nada. Zilch.
Well, one – to procreate. Other than that, there are no extraordinary reasons why we are on this dirt mound called earth. We’re just a biological accident that occurred millions of years ago. But, at least it was a “happy accident”. Otherwise, I’d be writing this blog to no one (well, I think I’m doing that now. But, there’s potential that someone will read this).
But, what about the birds, bees, trees, giraffes and hippopotamuses (shouldn’t that be hippopotami? Eh.. Who cares)? They were happy accidents too.
Of course, you have to give in to the notion that a) there is no god and b)… well, there is no b).
Of course, along with this feeling is also the notion that nothing has a reason for happening. It happens just because. The notion that everything happens for a reason is absurd. I’d love to believe in Karma. To think, someone I know who has shat upon me will get the shaft later in this life or in the next life as a fly on a piece of shit kinda makes me feel all warm and fuzzy but let’s face it… Murphy’s Law has a better chance of working out (ie: people who shit on me win the Lotto, whereas I’d probably get hit by a bus).
I probably didn’t squash your whole ideal of life. I probably even pissed you off to blatantly say god doesn’t exist or that life has absolutely no meaning. As long as you don’t go off on me like some Muslim defending Allah, it should all be just fine.
Oh, please don’t pray for me. It’s a waste of your time and I’m sure god is attending to other more pressing matters anyway.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Just a thought...
I feel like my life is somehow.. restricted. Like I’m in prison or something.
It makes me crave the end of life, as opposed to the continuation of it.
How sad is that?
I keep trudging along.
It makes me crave the end of life, as opposed to the continuation of it.
How sad is that?
I keep trudging along.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I miss my friendships
While I was watching Station Agent last night it reminded me that the best times I’ve had were with friends just sitting around, talking about stupid shit and not really doing anything. Those were good times. I really miss that. I had good friends once. I mean, I still do, but not ones where we’re able to just get together and chill..
I mean, do you ever just sit around with your peeps, watch tv or listen to a CD and just say stupid shit for no reason – maybe it was a response to the radio or the tv or maybe it was just something off the top of your head or maybe you started a small discussion on the art of farting or something.
I miss my friendships.
I mean, do you ever just sit around with your peeps, watch tv or listen to a CD and just say stupid shit for no reason – maybe it was a response to the radio or the tv or maybe it was just something off the top of your head or maybe you started a small discussion on the art of farting or something.
I miss my friendships.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Virtual Primal Scream Therapy..
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHH!!!!
FUCKING GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…better…
AHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHH!!!!
FUCKING GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…better…
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Just Another Sunday Night..
Grey’s Anatomy is probably my most favorite show on television. It’s sad to say but I wait week to week for every Sunday to roll round just so I can see one more episode. I watch it not because of the three hotties, Katherine Heigl, Ellen Pompeo or Sandra Oh. Nor do I watch it because I love the work of Patrick Dempsey. No, I watch it because it continually reminds me of my life and what had happened and, subsequently, the pain that arose from it.
Tonight’s episode really hit. It was one of those where you hoped that she was watching too because it would only drive the point home more.
How does it feel to love another, whilst having the child of a man you don’t love? How does it feel knowing that your life will always be filled with that tinge of wonder… the wonder of a life with someone else? How does it feel to have to lie to yourself, knowing that the perfect man got away?
I had hope. If she had never gotten pregnant, I would still hope each and every day that she would come back to me. That, against all possibility and probability, she would end up leaving her husband and coming to me, because he doesn’t really love her. And she doesn’t really love him. Hope is something you should never abandon. But, on the same token, you should never rely on hope as it will surely fail you in the end.
My shrink tells me that this will affect me for a long time. Why? Because I pretty much placed all my eggs in that basket. I hoped and wanted so much for us to work and I had placed all of myself into her and that this won’t soon go away. Yes, I hate her. But hate is just another emotion, no matter how negative. It is still undue emotion that is being spent on her. And each and every Sunday I am reminded of that emotion as Dr. Grey and Dr. Shepherd dance around coyly their true feelings for one another. That they are two people that love each other and should be together but aren’t because of circumstances.
And what Grey’s mom had said – I wish he just had enough balls to leave… that he’d rather see her kick him out than just leave. Yeah… if only…
Yes, I love Grey’s Anatomy. It’s a great drama. It’s entertaining and yes, I like the cast. I also love it because it doesn’t allow me to forget. I like that.
Tonight’s episode really hit. It was one of those where you hoped that she was watching too because it would only drive the point home more.
How does it feel to love another, whilst having the child of a man you don’t love? How does it feel knowing that your life will always be filled with that tinge of wonder… the wonder of a life with someone else? How does it feel to have to lie to yourself, knowing that the perfect man got away?
I had hope. If she had never gotten pregnant, I would still hope each and every day that she would come back to me. That, against all possibility and probability, she would end up leaving her husband and coming to me, because he doesn’t really love her. And she doesn’t really love him. Hope is something you should never abandon. But, on the same token, you should never rely on hope as it will surely fail you in the end.
My shrink tells me that this will affect me for a long time. Why? Because I pretty much placed all my eggs in that basket. I hoped and wanted so much for us to work and I had placed all of myself into her and that this won’t soon go away. Yes, I hate her. But hate is just another emotion, no matter how negative. It is still undue emotion that is being spent on her. And each and every Sunday I am reminded of that emotion as Dr. Grey and Dr. Shepherd dance around coyly their true feelings for one another. That they are two people that love each other and should be together but aren’t because of circumstances.
And what Grey’s mom had said – I wish he just had enough balls to leave… that he’d rather see her kick him out than just leave. Yeah… if only…
Yes, I love Grey’s Anatomy. It’s a great drama. It’s entertaining and yes, I like the cast. I also love it because it doesn’t allow me to forget. I like that.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Im disgusted.
I’m disgusted.
At the last minute, I was denied my education. Due to a problem I didn’t even know was there, I was denied admittance to the undergrad program at a university in New York.
How fucked up is that? Had I known about the problem, I wouldn’t have submitted those transcripts for review. Jesus Christ, what a fucking downer! After the initial shock and dismay I just became so livid I almost fucking broke something.
A simple setback. A minor roadblock. I won’t let this get me down. It’s not like my life has ended here. There are other schools. Unfortunately, I may have to start over. This is the only bothersome tidbit for me.
Just fucking livid.
Fuck!
At the last minute, I was denied my education. Due to a problem I didn’t even know was there, I was denied admittance to the undergrad program at a university in New York.
How fucked up is that? Had I known about the problem, I wouldn’t have submitted those transcripts for review. Jesus Christ, what a fucking downer! After the initial shock and dismay I just became so livid I almost fucking broke something.
A simple setback. A minor roadblock. I won’t let this get me down. It’s not like my life has ended here. There are other schools. Unfortunately, I may have to start over. This is the only bothersome tidbit for me.
Just fucking livid.
Fuck!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
The Last Day...
The Last Day..
31st March 2006. It’s a Friday. Sunrise for that day is 5:43am. Sunset is 6:13pm. By the time the last of the sun sets below the horizon line, I shall either be well on my way to getting my drink on or somewhat inebriated already. I will toast to the job that has ended and embrace the new endeavours that will begin.
I am not excited by the set date. I’m, in fact, quite scared. The past nine years I have woken up each morning at a set time, got ready and found myself at the place of my employment. I have been very loyal to my employer, very faithful. I am now jumping ship, if you will, abandoning the longest employment run of my life.
I can only compare this to a marriage. Though I’ve never been married, I can honestly say it’s like one. You make acquaintance, get to know and become comfortable with the job. You spend a lot of time there, more time than anywhere else you can think of. You commit to it, make plans around it. You give yourself to it as it gives to you for your commitment (salary). And now, I’m divorcing it. Moving on to something better. Taking a chance on something that may never pan out. But I’m taking the chance. Those that take chances in life are more rewarded than those who don’t. You never know what could have lain ahead if you never took the chance to find it. Those that take the easy way will never know the brilliance, the joy of risk. Even in failure, risk is good. You learn about yourself and your shortcomings and strengths. You learn from them and succeed elsewhere.
Thinking back to the ex, I feel she didn’t take the risk, the risk of being with another whom she loved and was loved back by. She took the easy way because fear is comfortable. But it’s also a hindrance, an excuse not to learn, an excuse not to experience life. Her husband, too. He didn’t take the chance to find himself, to better himself. He simply took her back as the easy solution to a complicated problem. What he could have done was move on, better himself and find it inside him the strength to change for the better. Instead, he not only failed himself, he failed those around him. Both of them are losers, weak and failing. And that is why I am so much better than they can ever be.
I still have a long way to go, but I’m on the right track to becoming someone better. I’ve moved on and am always trying to find the ways and means to become a better person. Looking within myself and to others for guidance, fulfillment and strength. I change because I want to. I adapt because I can.
31st March 2006. It’s a Friday. Sunrise for that day is 5:43am. Sunset is 6:13pm. By the time the last of the sun sets below the horizon line, I shall either be well on my way to getting my drink on or somewhat inebriated already. I will toast to the job that has ended and embrace the new endeavours that will begin.
I am not excited by the set date. I’m, in fact, quite scared. The past nine years I have woken up each morning at a set time, got ready and found myself at the place of my employment. I have been very loyal to my employer, very faithful. I am now jumping ship, if you will, abandoning the longest employment run of my life.
I can only compare this to a marriage. Though I’ve never been married, I can honestly say it’s like one. You make acquaintance, get to know and become comfortable with the job. You spend a lot of time there, more time than anywhere else you can think of. You commit to it, make plans around it. You give yourself to it as it gives to you for your commitment (salary). And now, I’m divorcing it. Moving on to something better. Taking a chance on something that may never pan out. But I’m taking the chance. Those that take chances in life are more rewarded than those who don’t. You never know what could have lain ahead if you never took the chance to find it. Those that take the easy way will never know the brilliance, the joy of risk. Even in failure, risk is good. You learn about yourself and your shortcomings and strengths. You learn from them and succeed elsewhere.
Thinking back to the ex, I feel she didn’t take the risk, the risk of being with another whom she loved and was loved back by. She took the easy way because fear is comfortable. But it’s also a hindrance, an excuse not to learn, an excuse not to experience life. Her husband, too. He didn’t take the chance to find himself, to better himself. He simply took her back as the easy solution to a complicated problem. What he could have done was move on, better himself and find it inside him the strength to change for the better. Instead, he not only failed himself, he failed those around him. Both of them are losers, weak and failing. And that is why I am so much better than they can ever be.
I still have a long way to go, but I’m on the right track to becoming someone better. I’ve moved on and am always trying to find the ways and means to become a better person. Looking within myself and to others for guidance, fulfillment and strength. I change because I want to. I adapt because I can.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
You know you're smug when...
You know you’re smug when…
You watch a commercial where a Jeep is underwater and think to yourself that you know cars can’t be underwater but look for the disclaimer to tell stupid people that same sentiment.
Yeah… there was a disclaimer.
Fucking stupid people.
You watch a commercial where a Jeep is underwater and think to yourself that you know cars can’t be underwater but look for the disclaimer to tell stupid people that same sentiment.
Yeah… there was a disclaimer.
Fucking stupid people.
Piper Perabo
Who remembers Piper Perabo from Coyote Ugly? Here's an interview in the latest 213 magazine...
(213): Do you believe in love at first sight?
PIPER PERABO: Yeah, I believe in love at first sight. I do. I think every time I've fallen in love, even if I didn't admit it to myself right in that first moment, when I looked back - I knew it from the start that I loved that person.
(213): Imagine Me & You throws a curve ball into the whole "happily ever after" notion. Do you believe in happily ever afters?
PP: I think it is not that simple. I think ever after is a long time and happy is a kind of narrow description of a life. I wouldn't want to just be happy. I want to be interested and challenged. I believe in great relationships that bring a lot to your life for a long time. I think happily ever after is a little narrow.
(213): Any similarities between Piper Perabo and your Imagine Me & You character: Rachel?
PP: We actually don't have very much in common, except that both of us might marry Matthew Goode if given the chance. Other than that, she and I are very dissimilar.
(213): You're a Jersey girl. How long did it take for you to get the English accent together?
PP: I had done it once before in a small film - an English accent. I went to England about a month and a half early and started working on the voice work for the film. I was still working on it up through and during the picture. I did a lot of work actually - not interesting in any way, but time consuming.
(213): Having been in character for so long, do you find yourself breaking the old English out every now and then?
PP: I do actually. It is so lame drama student, but I really like accents and I find them kind of infectious, even if I can't do them well, I can't help but try them out like somebody else's clothes.
(213): Your starring debut was in Jerry Bruckheimer's Coyote Ugly, which is obligated to have the superficial things associated with a Disney blockbuster. Imagine Me & You is bare by comparison. Is there a line of frankness that you are careful not to cross?
PP: No, if anything I want to be on that line of frankness. I very much enjoy playing real characters who are worried about other people's feelings and there isn't an obvious villain, that life is confusing and heartbreaking and wonderful. To me, that is much more interesting to play.
(213): Is London as cold and bleak as it looks on TV?
PP: I think Primrose Hill, which is where we were shooting, is actually so beautiful - those row houses and all the colors. We shot in the fall, so it is very crisp. It stopped raining. It is after the summer, but the cold yuckiness hasn't started yet, and there's this kind of crisp, colorful, witty snap to the place that I think Ol really captures. It is a great backdrop for a fast, witty, little film.
(213): What initially intrigued you about Imagine Me & You?
PP: This may sound horrible, but initially, Thandie Newton was going to play Lena Headey's role. I'm a big fan of her work. People I'm a fan of, I am constantly saying to every single person I meet that if you know anybody who can get me into the film, I want to work with so and so or so and so. And I've always wanted to work with Thandie Newton, so the first time the script came up - more than a year before we actually made it - they said that there was a part in the Thandie Newton film and did I want to try it. I read it and then Thandie didn't do it, but I was now obsessed with the script itself. It's funny and romantic. American romantic comedies are either really funny, but not really that romantic, or big love stories with jokes that fall flat. This one is both, which is well balanced and hard to do.
(213): After the success of Coyote Ugly, you must have been atop everyone's hot list. Why didn't you exploit that and make more mainstream studio films?
PP: I was a little intimidated by Coyote Ugly. It was only my third movie and it was really a level of production and work that I was not aware even existed, let alone try and execute something of that size was intimidating. I was a theater student, waitressing in New York. It was big. So I needed to get back into my own body a little bit and get my center of gravity back down and remember who I was for a minute and why I was doing it. Léa Pool's script, which I did next, Lost and Delirious spoke to me immediately. There was a pile of things that I was reading and I meant to read it one night and finish it in the morning, but I stayed up all night and finished it and read it again, sort of sobbing and loving it. I thought, "This is how I will find myself again."
(213): Were you surprised as the success of Cheaper by the Dozen?
PP: Not that much. Steve Martin is a genius - in many respects, not just acting. He's a really intelligent artist and very competent and able to carry a picture of that size, sort of bombastic, wild, bizarre hugeness. People need that kind of movie. You need a movie that you can take your whole family to at Christmas and everybody can go and not have half the family wishing they were in the other theater.
(213): The studio made the obvious sequel. Did you enjoy the process more the second time around?
PP: The first one making so much money didn't make me relax. Adam Shankman, who made the second one, is a good director. It was interesting to work with him. Also, to work with actors a second time - you know them already. You have a little history with them, so you're not just starting from the opening notes. You're kind of starting further on because you have some knowledge of each other. So it was kind of easier with all the same people in the same family. You have a little family history and that helps.
(213): Cheaper by the Dozen 2 made a ton of money. Since Cheaper by the Dozen seems like a license to print money, will you do a third?
PP: They haven't spoken to me about that.
(213): That's a yes.
PP: The kids are all growing up. We would have to start soon. I don't know how we would do that.
(213): Pull a Matrix and shoot three and four back to back.
PP: I like children, but I don't know about that.
(213): Did you enjoy dipping your toe into action films with The Cave?
PP: I enjoyed working with those actors. It was difficult because we were in Romania and it was physically grueling and very uncomfortable. It was dirty and dark and cold, Romania. It was challenging.
(213): You were a member of the National Honor Society and graduated summa cum laude from OU. You're a total nerd. You give hope to all young nerdy girls that they too can grow up a hottie.
PP: Thanks. I am still kind of a nerd. I don't know. I just hope that all, not just the nerdy girls, I hope everybody can eventually feel OK about who they are. It is hard when you're young.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
I did it!
Well… I did it. I went into HR this morning and told the manager that I’m takin’ the easy way out – give me my money please!
This will end a near 10-year run on my corporate career ladder. Up until now, I’ve been dreading the trek each and every morning to this place. Though I’ve found solitude at times (most recently, actually) in coming here, I feel that I’m better off in the long run not setting foot here anymore. Though it will be awhile before I actually do get the pink slip (maybe a month or so), I am content knowing that my life will change after leaving this place.
In the last year and a half, it’s gone from okay to cah-cah to put-a-gun-to-my-head so quickly I don’t know how I coped. I just hope that my future brings something more memorable.
A quick note – I just want to thank my friends that have listened to all my bullshit through the past few months. Without them, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore. And I mean that literally. At least I would have done it pretty SoCal style – something like a freeway chase and a police shootout… Go out in a blaze of glory, that’s what I always say.
Why does this feel like I’m saying goodbye or that I’m accepting an award for something?
I need a vacation. I think I’m going to Vegas after I leave work. I need a few days away.
This will end a near 10-year run on my corporate career ladder. Up until now, I’ve been dreading the trek each and every morning to this place. Though I’ve found solitude at times (most recently, actually) in coming here, I feel that I’m better off in the long run not setting foot here anymore. Though it will be awhile before I actually do get the pink slip (maybe a month or so), I am content knowing that my life will change after leaving this place.
In the last year and a half, it’s gone from okay to cah-cah to put-a-gun-to-my-head so quickly I don’t know how I coped. I just hope that my future brings something more memorable.
A quick note – I just want to thank my friends that have listened to all my bullshit through the past few months. Without them, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore. And I mean that literally. At least I would have done it pretty SoCal style – something like a freeway chase and a police shootout… Go out in a blaze of glory, that’s what I always say.
Why does this feel like I’m saying goodbye or that I’m accepting an award for something?
I need a vacation. I think I’m going to Vegas after I leave work. I need a few days away.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
A slow journey
I tell myself everyday that I need to forget. But my mind does not want to just yet. I am going though inner turmoil because my consciousness and my brain are on two different wavelengths (figuratively).
It makes me sad. The angrier I get the more I want to die.
And I’ve been excessively angry these past few days.
The more I feel used, lied to and taken advantage of, the more I just want to either fuck them over somehow or just die.
Loss takes you through some pretty fucked up feelings. It’s an emotional roller coaster I never want to experience again for a while. I believe that not everyone has ever felt this way. Be it through a loss of a loved one, a loss of a true love, whatever, only those that have truly lost know how I feel.
The dark places I’ve been included the thoughts of suicide. It’s not just over a woman. It’s over a woman I gave myself to and ended up losing myself after she left.
So, when people say I should just let go and move on have never lost on this level. So, until you have been my shoes, you’ll never understand what it means to have truly lost. Regardless of the level of deceit she managed to attain, I still loved her.
And this is why I am so angry.
All I can say is that I hope to see her in hell.
It makes me sad. The angrier I get the more I want to die.
And I’ve been excessively angry these past few days.
The more I feel used, lied to and taken advantage of, the more I just want to either fuck them over somehow or just die.
Loss takes you through some pretty fucked up feelings. It’s an emotional roller coaster I never want to experience again for a while. I believe that not everyone has ever felt this way. Be it through a loss of a loved one, a loss of a true love, whatever, only those that have truly lost know how I feel.
The dark places I’ve been included the thoughts of suicide. It’s not just over a woman. It’s over a woman I gave myself to and ended up losing myself after she left.
So, when people say I should just let go and move on have never lost on this level. So, until you have been my shoes, you’ll never understand what it means to have truly lost. Regardless of the level of deceit she managed to attain, I still loved her.
And this is why I am so angry.
All I can say is that I hope to see her in hell.
My 60th post!
My 60th post. How neet.
I just got confirmation that the ex is indeed pregnant.
Get this - her husband told someone he doesn't even like and hasn't talked to in monhts who didn't even know they were back together that she was pregnant. Why the fuck would he do anything like that? What a fucktard. In turn, he told her wife who told a friend who told me.
It's just amazing -- how the fuck will this make their relationship any better? I'm absolutely dumbfounded.
Well, like I said... it's not my concern. They're both idiots for sure to bring into this fucked up world a child out of their own selfish need to make their fucked up relationship work. I feel sorry for her but not as much as I do for that child.
I just got confirmation that the ex is indeed pregnant.
Get this - her husband told someone he doesn't even like and hasn't talked to in monhts who didn't even know they were back together that she was pregnant. Why the fuck would he do anything like that? What a fucktard. In turn, he told her wife who told a friend who told me.
It's just amazing -- how the fuck will this make their relationship any better? I'm absolutely dumbfounded.
Well, like I said... it's not my concern. They're both idiots for sure to bring into this fucked up world a child out of their own selfish need to make their fucked up relationship work. I feel sorry for her but not as much as I do for that child.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Downsizing is in the air
Downsizing is in the air.
First, Ford. Then Daimler-Chrysler. Now, the little company I work for.
The industry I work in has been comfortable for many years. The company I work for dominated it for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, that is no longer the case. Now, with digital imaging and the way it’s grown exponentially, our place as Top Dog has eroded.
So, voluntary resignations are being taken, with the hope that those of us who sacrifice ourselves for the greater good of the company will allow those who decide to take the risk of staying will get to stay for the long-term.
I am one of those that is seriously considering the act of goodwill.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t just up and quit for the good of my company-kind. That would be most stupid of me. A job, no matter how long it may last, is still a job and money is much needed in my life. That’s why the severance package my company is offering is so attractive.
19 weeks pay.
$5,000 on top of that.
Accrued vacation and sick pay.
Plus, I get laid-off status, which will allow me to collect unemployment.
So, I can go on unemployment, collect 19 weeks worth of pay and slowly look for a job. Fortunately, I have a side gig. That gig is producing a indie movie zine. Yes, I’m in the publishing business.
With the advertising we generate, the money is slowly coming in. Not as fast as I’d like but it’s coming in. But, because of my full-time gig, I can’t put in as much time in the mag as I’d like so this would afford me that.
And, I’m going to start school soon. If I start school, I can use the five grand for that, plus the government loans and stuff. It would allow me to stop paying for the school loans I currently have as they’d become deferred again… which is good because I just don’t see the need to pay off my school loans just yet. Not that they’re outrageous or anything.
This is a dead-end job. What with my reputation as a homewrecker and the fact that I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my tenure… I have nowhere else to go here. I’ve even been told by management that my name has a great stigma attached to it… so what’s keeping me here?
The fear of change is, of course, there. The fear of losing security is also present. But, the opportunity to go back to school, expand my zine and become a self-sufficient man is also very appealing. I just don’t do well in the corporate world. I no longer work well with stupid management not knowing what the fuck they’re talking about. Talking to someone who’s talking out their ass is really disturbing.
It’s time to move on. Things are happening in the world and they’re not waiting for me to catch up. I need to grab on now before I’m too far back and not able to get with it.
And another good reason – the ex’s husband still works here. Though I haven’t seen or run into him in the last so many months, the chance is still there that it will happen. I just can’t stand him. In fact, it would take all the strength I have to just not kick him in the balls or something.
This is not good.
So, severance package here I come. It’ll be so nice to be able to wake up and not have to go anywhere.
On a side note –
The ex is no longer a concern for me. I believe her to be pregnant now (don’t ask me how I know). This concludes the roller coaster that was my pining over her. I’ve lost all respect for her. I’ve lost all affection for her. Now… it’s just resentment, regret and pity. To have a child in the midst of a relationship such as theirs is like reaching for straws while sinking in quicksand. Say you get one.. yeah, you’ll be able to breath a bit but what happens when you sink further? It’s sad that, in order to keep that relationship going, they would have to hurry to that point without so much as a glance at all the other problems they have with themselves and their marriage. Oh how their misery will be forever.
And their misery will not be mine.
I think that this is just fine. Just fine indeed.
First, Ford. Then Daimler-Chrysler. Now, the little company I work for.
The industry I work in has been comfortable for many years. The company I work for dominated it for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, that is no longer the case. Now, with digital imaging and the way it’s grown exponentially, our place as Top Dog has eroded.
So, voluntary resignations are being taken, with the hope that those of us who sacrifice ourselves for the greater good of the company will allow those who decide to take the risk of staying will get to stay for the long-term.
I am one of those that is seriously considering the act of goodwill.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t just up and quit for the good of my company-kind. That would be most stupid of me. A job, no matter how long it may last, is still a job and money is much needed in my life. That’s why the severance package my company is offering is so attractive.
19 weeks pay.
$5,000 on top of that.
Accrued vacation and sick pay.
Plus, I get laid-off status, which will allow me to collect unemployment.
So, I can go on unemployment, collect 19 weeks worth of pay and slowly look for a job. Fortunately, I have a side gig. That gig is producing a indie movie zine. Yes, I’m in the publishing business.
With the advertising we generate, the money is slowly coming in. Not as fast as I’d like but it’s coming in. But, because of my full-time gig, I can’t put in as much time in the mag as I’d like so this would afford me that.
And, I’m going to start school soon. If I start school, I can use the five grand for that, plus the government loans and stuff. It would allow me to stop paying for the school loans I currently have as they’d become deferred again… which is good because I just don’t see the need to pay off my school loans just yet. Not that they’re outrageous or anything.
This is a dead-end job. What with my reputation as a homewrecker and the fact that I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my tenure… I have nowhere else to go here. I’ve even been told by management that my name has a great stigma attached to it… so what’s keeping me here?
The fear of change is, of course, there. The fear of losing security is also present. But, the opportunity to go back to school, expand my zine and become a self-sufficient man is also very appealing. I just don’t do well in the corporate world. I no longer work well with stupid management not knowing what the fuck they’re talking about. Talking to someone who’s talking out their ass is really disturbing.
It’s time to move on. Things are happening in the world and they’re not waiting for me to catch up. I need to grab on now before I’m too far back and not able to get with it.
And another good reason – the ex’s husband still works here. Though I haven’t seen or run into him in the last so many months, the chance is still there that it will happen. I just can’t stand him. In fact, it would take all the strength I have to just not kick him in the balls or something.
This is not good.
So, severance package here I come. It’ll be so nice to be able to wake up and not have to go anywhere.
On a side note –
The ex is no longer a concern for me. I believe her to be pregnant now (don’t ask me how I know). This concludes the roller coaster that was my pining over her. I’ve lost all respect for her. I’ve lost all affection for her. Now… it’s just resentment, regret and pity. To have a child in the midst of a relationship such as theirs is like reaching for straws while sinking in quicksand. Say you get one.. yeah, you’ll be able to breath a bit but what happens when you sink further? It’s sad that, in order to keep that relationship going, they would have to hurry to that point without so much as a glance at all the other problems they have with themselves and their marriage. Oh how their misery will be forever.
And their misery will not be mine.
I think that this is just fine. Just fine indeed.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Tale of two........
Before I became involved with my ex, there was another that I was absolutely infatuated with. She was the one I was trying so hard to hook up with. It sounds wrong, but while I was sleeping with one, I was chasing the other. It was a very messed up situation. Then, that moment came that the other said she was interested in getting together and I was ecstatic. I told the ex that I had to break it off because there was a chance that the one I really wanted was interested. It was an awkward experience.
Fast forward to today. The one I chased for sooo long was back. She moved back to Colorado a good six months ago but she was in town visiting. She looked so good. So many memories and feelings flooded me. We talked about the ex because she knew about the whole thing and all I could do was apologise and feel bad.
I didn’t mention that, when she left, I pretty much burned a bridge with her. But, I apologised and I continue to apologise and I always will with what I had said to her. I can never make it up because I was an asshole for what I said and it hurts so much to watch the tears fall from her eyes.
If I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t. It wasn’t worth the pain, heartache and the disrespect that I have gone through, no matter how much love I received, no matter how much sex I had. It wasn’t worth the hurt I brought to the other. It wasn’t worth what I go through now; despite the healing I’ve gained.
To Pam:
Though I love and fell in love with you, you are the mistake that will take me a lifetime to rectify. You are a regret that will always remind me. You are the disappointment that will always haunt me.
To Joy:
You are the one that will always elude me. You are the one that killed me. You are the one that I let get away when I was bent on making a shallow relationship work. Your memory will forever humble me. I will always be sorry.
Maybe one day I will be normal again. If not, there’s always the next life.
Fast forward to today. The one I chased for sooo long was back. She moved back to Colorado a good six months ago but she was in town visiting. She looked so good. So many memories and feelings flooded me. We talked about the ex because she knew about the whole thing and all I could do was apologise and feel bad.
I didn’t mention that, when she left, I pretty much burned a bridge with her. But, I apologised and I continue to apologise and I always will with what I had said to her. I can never make it up because I was an asshole for what I said and it hurts so much to watch the tears fall from her eyes.
If I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t. It wasn’t worth the pain, heartache and the disrespect that I have gone through, no matter how much love I received, no matter how much sex I had. It wasn’t worth the hurt I brought to the other. It wasn’t worth what I go through now; despite the healing I’ve gained.
To Pam:
Though I love and fell in love with you, you are the mistake that will take me a lifetime to rectify. You are a regret that will always remind me. You are the disappointment that will always haunt me.
To Joy:
You are the one that will always elude me. You are the one that killed me. You are the one that I let get away when I was bent on making a shallow relationship work. Your memory will forever humble me. I will always be sorry.
Maybe one day I will be normal again. If not, there’s always the next life.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Back from NY.. unfortunately.
I was just in New York for the weekend. It was an interesting trip. I went with a friend who is important in the jazz scene and I had to meet with a few publicists myself (I publish a small indie movie mag).
The trip was enjoyable, except for the walking and the hotel room. The hotel itself was pretty cool but if you can imagine a room slightly bigger than a queen-sized bed… well, that’s how cozy it was. And we figured it would be easier to just take the subway.
New York is an amazing place. The hustle and bustle of the city… the people walking everywhere… the taxi-to-personal car ratio… It was astounding. The pace of the city can overwhelm anyone. I’m from LA, where the pace is fast but NY blows it away by leaps and bounds. You can hit 3 or 4 clubs in a night to see different shows. Can’t do that in LA. Last call is at, like, 6am. If you wanted to, you can hop to a dozen clubs, see half a dozen shows and be drunk until you have to get up for work the next day. I was rather surprised that places were bumping on a Thursday night! Again, very un-LA.
Plus, the fact that we were comp’d at every show saved a ton of money. At least $300 in covers alone.
If I were younger and out of debt, I’d seriously consider a move there.
The sucky thing was that everything reminded me of the ex. EVERYTHING. Being near all of the fancy shops and things in Manhattan, I was reminded of her tastes (Coach, Tiffany, etc etc), how fun it would have been to have her with me. To run around Manhattan with the woman you love would probably be the ultimate vacation.
The one thing that I was reminded the most while in NY was the vacation the ex and her husband had to NY. They had attended a wedding. One night, the hubby got all drunk and admitted to the ex that he thinks he may be gay. This is one of the most pivotal moments in my ex’s relationship with her husband. Being drunk allows us to be more uninhibited, allowing true feelings and thoughts to come forth. We’ll be more brazen with our conversations because we won’t care or we’ll talk about things we wouldn’t normally talk about.
This, besides the gay porn she found on his computer so long ago, allows me to believe he actually is gay. That he is hiding it and that no matter how much he tries in this relationship, he’ll always be gay.
There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I respect their lifestyle. No one chooses it, just like no one chooses eye or hair color. But, some people just don’t accept it (just like eye and hair color). Right now, he can’t accept it. I truly believe that. And, I think he never will.
Hell… I still miss her terribly. Maybe I’ll never get over her. This is what I’m so afraid of. I wish I were Vulcan.
The trip was enjoyable, except for the walking and the hotel room. The hotel itself was pretty cool but if you can imagine a room slightly bigger than a queen-sized bed… well, that’s how cozy it was. And we figured it would be easier to just take the subway.
New York is an amazing place. The hustle and bustle of the city… the people walking everywhere… the taxi-to-personal car ratio… It was astounding. The pace of the city can overwhelm anyone. I’m from LA, where the pace is fast but NY blows it away by leaps and bounds. You can hit 3 or 4 clubs in a night to see different shows. Can’t do that in LA. Last call is at, like, 6am. If you wanted to, you can hop to a dozen clubs, see half a dozen shows and be drunk until you have to get up for work the next day. I was rather surprised that places were bumping on a Thursday night! Again, very un-LA.
Plus, the fact that we were comp’d at every show saved a ton of money. At least $300 in covers alone.
If I were younger and out of debt, I’d seriously consider a move there.
The sucky thing was that everything reminded me of the ex. EVERYTHING. Being near all of the fancy shops and things in Manhattan, I was reminded of her tastes (Coach, Tiffany, etc etc), how fun it would have been to have her with me. To run around Manhattan with the woman you love would probably be the ultimate vacation.
The one thing that I was reminded the most while in NY was the vacation the ex and her husband had to NY. They had attended a wedding. One night, the hubby got all drunk and admitted to the ex that he thinks he may be gay. This is one of the most pivotal moments in my ex’s relationship with her husband. Being drunk allows us to be more uninhibited, allowing true feelings and thoughts to come forth. We’ll be more brazen with our conversations because we won’t care or we’ll talk about things we wouldn’t normally talk about.
This, besides the gay porn she found on his computer so long ago, allows me to believe he actually is gay. That he is hiding it and that no matter how much he tries in this relationship, he’ll always be gay.
There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I respect their lifestyle. No one chooses it, just like no one chooses eye or hair color. But, some people just don’t accept it (just like eye and hair color). Right now, he can’t accept it. I truly believe that. And, I think he never will.
Hell… I still miss her terribly. Maybe I’ll never get over her. This is what I’m so afraid of. I wish I were Vulcan.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Dissed by Disney
What has come to this world where one can be interviewed… by the internet?
Today I pushed aside my pride and applied for a part-time job at Disneyland. What happened was this – I filled out their small booklet of paperwork. I then waited almost an hour and a half to be put into a room where I watched a propaganda video showcasing their “Disney Way”. Afterwards, I’m placed in a room where I’m given a web-based “interview.” This wasn’t an interview. This was a questionnaire that asks many of the same questions in different ways to measure some sort of response. To answer them by saying Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree.
After this, I am told I cannot go on in the interview process because of the answers I gave on this web-based “interview”.
Where were the questions related to my seven years of service to the Disney Company? Where were the questions in regards to the lead positions I held? Where were the questions that related to my training position I held in my department for four of those years? Yes, I worked at the Park for 7 years... 1990-97. I guess that didn't matter because, shit, I didn't answer their fucking questions to their liking.
I find it almost degrading and insulting that a company who looks for quality personnel cannot do a quality interview. I’ve never seen a cattle-call interview process such as the one Disneyland has. For a company that needs people to work there, they sure know how to pick the good ones. You cannot judge a person by the way they answer flawed questions based on Agree or Disagree situations. It confuses the questionnaire taker as well as forces them to figure out what the asker is wanting.
Unfortunately, more companies are using these psychological measuring tools to weed out those that do not conform to their views. To ask the same question over and over in different ways to try and “trip up” the subject is not only unethical in my eyes, but also weeds out those that have half a brain and can think freely and on their own. Because those that pass the test are doing so because they guessed right and gave answers they thought the Company wanted.
Six months from now, when I apply again for a part-time job at the Happiest Place on Earth, I shall remember to lie on the questionnaire so that all my answers are positive. Because that’s what they want, right? A bunch of liars who are desperate for a shitty ass job in a theme park that people think is god’s gift.
Whatever.
Today I pushed aside my pride and applied for a part-time job at Disneyland. What happened was this – I filled out their small booklet of paperwork. I then waited almost an hour and a half to be put into a room where I watched a propaganda video showcasing their “Disney Way”. Afterwards, I’m placed in a room where I’m given a web-based “interview.” This wasn’t an interview. This was a questionnaire that asks many of the same questions in different ways to measure some sort of response. To answer them by saying Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree.
After this, I am told I cannot go on in the interview process because of the answers I gave on this web-based “interview”.
Where were the questions related to my seven years of service to the Disney Company? Where were the questions in regards to the lead positions I held? Where were the questions that related to my training position I held in my department for four of those years? Yes, I worked at the Park for 7 years... 1990-97. I guess that didn't matter because, shit, I didn't answer their fucking questions to their liking.
I find it almost degrading and insulting that a company who looks for quality personnel cannot do a quality interview. I’ve never seen a cattle-call interview process such as the one Disneyland has. For a company that needs people to work there, they sure know how to pick the good ones. You cannot judge a person by the way they answer flawed questions based on Agree or Disagree situations. It confuses the questionnaire taker as well as forces them to figure out what the asker is wanting.
Unfortunately, more companies are using these psychological measuring tools to weed out those that do not conform to their views. To ask the same question over and over in different ways to try and “trip up” the subject is not only unethical in my eyes, but also weeds out those that have half a brain and can think freely and on their own. Because those that pass the test are doing so because they guessed right and gave answers they thought the Company wanted.
Six months from now, when I apply again for a part-time job at the Happiest Place on Earth, I shall remember to lie on the questionnaire so that all my answers are positive. Because that’s what they want, right? A bunch of liars who are desperate for a shitty ass job in a theme park that people think is god’s gift.
Whatever.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Emotions suck.
It's been over three months now since my break up. I thought I was doing better; I've been seeing a therapist and trying to keep myself occupied and I was just accepted into a Bachelor's Program at a great school yet I still feel empty and lonely and unwilling to move on in my life.
I saw her last week because she wanted to give me something back of mine. I keep wondering why she didn't just send it to me. We talked about her relationship with her husband and how he's trying but I truly believe it's all smoke and mirrors; that he's doing it all just so that she'll stay and take care of him and that he doesn't love her. She says she loves him and needs to try to make it work, even though she admitted that all she's doing is trying to fulfull her obligations as a wife and that she was scared of committing to me -- it was easier to go back to an established marriage. If it weren't for him, we'd be together. How silly is that??
I told her I wanted her to be happy and that she should try her hardest to make it work because if it fails, she'll know she tried. I told her I would never call her again but would love to eventually be friends one day, if that were possible. In the end I told her I missed and loved her and she said the same and we held each other and kissed goodbye. I tried to avoid kissing her on the lips but she kissed me instead. It's the little things that confuse me, like the kiss and the embraces. I don't know how to explain it but I could just feel "it". It reinforces my thoughts of her being in denial.
Since this meeting, I have regressed back into my depression and have been worse than ever. I keep trying to analyse everything and being logical about the whole situation. At the same time, I'm trying to be "a man" about it -- being jovial, non-chalant, making fun, saying I'm over it but secretly I cry for her almost every day and I seriously hope their marriage fails. It's all a lie in my eyes.
Yes, I need to move on. Yes, I'll eventually heal and yes.. I'm sure there's someone better. But, I want HER.
I know she loves me. I know she misses me. But I know her fear and obligations are all that keep her from leaving him. He's a weak man, always begging her to come back after apologizing and backpeddling.
And I know she'll never leave him.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying, really I am.
I've come to realise that logic doesn't stand a chance when dealing with the heart. I can come to so many logical conclusions and analyse their relationship and all the things said between them and their behaviour towards one another yet it's all out the window when it comes to fear, obligation, guilt and love. And I feel so helpless because I want to help her see it but I can't. I just have to watch and wait for the trainwreck to happen. Though I don't wait for her to return, I do hope that she will. This, too, I have to get over.
In my heart of hearts, I truly believe she's in love with me and wants to be with me. But it can never be because of her obligations to him.
I saw her last week because she wanted to give me something back of mine. I keep wondering why she didn't just send it to me. We talked about her relationship with her husband and how he's trying but I truly believe it's all smoke and mirrors; that he's doing it all just so that she'll stay and take care of him and that he doesn't love her. She says she loves him and needs to try to make it work, even though she admitted that all she's doing is trying to fulfull her obligations as a wife and that she was scared of committing to me -- it was easier to go back to an established marriage. If it weren't for him, we'd be together. How silly is that??
I told her I wanted her to be happy and that she should try her hardest to make it work because if it fails, she'll know she tried. I told her I would never call her again but would love to eventually be friends one day, if that were possible. In the end I told her I missed and loved her and she said the same and we held each other and kissed goodbye. I tried to avoid kissing her on the lips but she kissed me instead. It's the little things that confuse me, like the kiss and the embraces. I don't know how to explain it but I could just feel "it". It reinforces my thoughts of her being in denial.
Since this meeting, I have regressed back into my depression and have been worse than ever. I keep trying to analyse everything and being logical about the whole situation. At the same time, I'm trying to be "a man" about it -- being jovial, non-chalant, making fun, saying I'm over it but secretly I cry for her almost every day and I seriously hope their marriage fails. It's all a lie in my eyes.
Yes, I need to move on. Yes, I'll eventually heal and yes.. I'm sure there's someone better. But, I want HER.
I know she loves me. I know she misses me. But I know her fear and obligations are all that keep her from leaving him. He's a weak man, always begging her to come back after apologizing and backpeddling.
And I know she'll never leave him.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying, really I am.
I've come to realise that logic doesn't stand a chance when dealing with the heart. I can come to so many logical conclusions and analyse their relationship and all the things said between them and their behaviour towards one another yet it's all out the window when it comes to fear, obligation, guilt and love. And I feel so helpless because I want to help her see it but I can't. I just have to watch and wait for the trainwreck to happen. Though I don't wait for her to return, I do hope that she will. This, too, I have to get over.
In my heart of hearts, I truly believe she's in love with me and wants to be with me. But it can never be because of her obligations to him.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Logic
Logic.
It doesn’t mix well with emotion.
I guess those Vulcans had something there, didn’t they? Emotions wreak havoc on our lives. I wish I could just get rid of them.
I’ve found Buddhism is the closest to controlling emotion and thought. Meditation is a wonderful thing that I hope to expound on. The journey will be long.
I’ve decided to go back to school, too. This should be most interesting.
Anyway, logic…
When you look at one’s situation and say that it won’t work, it is based upon logic. Emotions are a little bit more tricky.. If they weren’t, they’d be logical.
It doesn’t mix well with emotion.
I guess those Vulcans had something there, didn’t they? Emotions wreak havoc on our lives. I wish I could just get rid of them.
I’ve found Buddhism is the closest to controlling emotion and thought. Meditation is a wonderful thing that I hope to expound on. The journey will be long.
I’ve decided to go back to school, too. This should be most interesting.
Anyway, logic…
When you look at one’s situation and say that it won’t work, it is based upon logic. Emotions are a little bit more tricky.. If they weren’t, they’d be logical.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Hostel - A Movie review
But first, a few words from our sponsor.
I'm going to try very hard to accept, forget and move on. I also believe in the age old addage - if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be. It's sad that that rhymes. If she comes back, great. If not, great. I'm too bent on thinking about the possibilities of her coming back... I need to start thinking about the possibilities of her NOT coming back.
Seriously, though. I miss her terribly. A friend recently told me that I need to fight for her. I can't. She needs to realise what it is that she gave up on her own. And I need to move on realising it's not my job to save her. Whatever will be will be.
On to our Main Presentation
----------------------------
Hostel -
Disturbing. Truly disturbing. Hostel is a movie that takes horror to another level. I would compare it the ultimate episode of Punk’d, only a million times more demented. Eli Roth (Cabin Fever) wrote and directed this 95 minute story about three guys who travel through Europe looking for life experiences and a piece of ass. Paxton (Jay Hernandez) and Josh (Derek Richardson), two Americans, meet up with an Icelander called Oli (Eythor Gudjonsson) while on their travels. They end up somewhere in an Eastern European hostel after they are tipped off about all the beautiful women there by a Europimp in Amsterdam. As they take the train to the far-off Slovakian town they encounter a strange businessman who tells of beautiful women and wonderful bars. He also gives the three the creeps. Their first night in the hostel rewards them with the beauty of and carnal relations with three local girls. The next day, the terror begins.
Hostel is definitely a product influenced by the Asian horror scene. Roth pays homage to Japanese Horror-God Takashi Miike (Audition) and even gives him a bit part in the movie (suggesting that Miike participates in the madness that Paxton later finds at the “art gallery”). I was even reminded of Chan-wook Park’s work from Cut (Three… Extremes). There is no subtlety in this film. It’s gory, gruesome and scary. Very. There is also a definite influence by Quentin Tarantino, who presents this film (and is an Executive Producer). Look for the tribute on the television at the hostel (all I can say is… Ezekiel 25:17 in Czech?). There’s some fucking language and nice tits throughout. I’m sure Quentin had some input on that. If you’re into gratuitous sex and nudity, this movie is sure to please. Rick Hoffman (Bloodwork, The Day After Tomorrow) has a brilliant cameo playing a perverse client eager to participate in the bloody deeds awaiting him.
The plot is wickedly good, unpredictable and very suspenseful. After having discussed with good friend Harry Knowles (of AINTITCOOLNEWS.COM) the sickest things the Internet could offer, Roth found himself writing a plot influenced by something Harry had found; that people are willing to pay for the chance to simply murder another. It’s a smart film that any horror addict should cut off their arm to see (or, maybe someone else’s… I don’t know).
Grade – A
I'm going to try very hard to accept, forget and move on. I also believe in the age old addage - if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be. It's sad that that rhymes. If she comes back, great. If not, great. I'm too bent on thinking about the possibilities of her coming back... I need to start thinking about the possibilities of her NOT coming back.
Seriously, though. I miss her terribly. A friend recently told me that I need to fight for her. I can't. She needs to realise what it is that she gave up on her own. And I need to move on realising it's not my job to save her. Whatever will be will be.
On to our Main Presentation
----------------------------
Hostel -
Disturbing. Truly disturbing. Hostel is a movie that takes horror to another level. I would compare it the ultimate episode of Punk’d, only a million times more demented. Eli Roth (Cabin Fever) wrote and directed this 95 minute story about three guys who travel through Europe looking for life experiences and a piece of ass. Paxton (Jay Hernandez) and Josh (Derek Richardson), two Americans, meet up with an Icelander called Oli (Eythor Gudjonsson) while on their travels. They end up somewhere in an Eastern European hostel after they are tipped off about all the beautiful women there by a Europimp in Amsterdam. As they take the train to the far-off Slovakian town they encounter a strange businessman who tells of beautiful women and wonderful bars. He also gives the three the creeps. Their first night in the hostel rewards them with the beauty of and carnal relations with three local girls. The next day, the terror begins.
Hostel is definitely a product influenced by the Asian horror scene. Roth pays homage to Japanese Horror-God Takashi Miike (Audition) and even gives him a bit part in the movie (suggesting that Miike participates in the madness that Paxton later finds at the “art gallery”). I was even reminded of Chan-wook Park’s work from Cut (Three… Extremes). There is no subtlety in this film. It’s gory, gruesome and scary. Very. There is also a definite influence by Quentin Tarantino, who presents this film (and is an Executive Producer). Look for the tribute on the television at the hostel (all I can say is… Ezekiel 25:17 in Czech?). There’s some fucking language and nice tits throughout. I’m sure Quentin had some input on that. If you’re into gratuitous sex and nudity, this movie is sure to please. Rick Hoffman (Bloodwork, The Day After Tomorrow) has a brilliant cameo playing a perverse client eager to participate in the bloody deeds awaiting him.
The plot is wickedly good, unpredictable and very suspenseful. After having discussed with good friend Harry Knowles (of AINTITCOOLNEWS.COM) the sickest things the Internet could offer, Roth found himself writing a plot influenced by something Harry had found; that people are willing to pay for the chance to simply murder another. It’s a smart film that any horror addict should cut off their arm to see (or, maybe someone else’s… I don’t know).
Grade – A
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Last night explained
Let me explain something in hindsight and without the influence of alcohol.
Last night – yes, I made the mistake of meeting up with the ex. She wanted to see me for whatever reason she had. And I took the opportunity to see her because, let’s face it, I wanted to.
What was bad was that emotion is elevated during a time when we’re programmed for it to, like Christmas. Everyone’s emotions, no matter how much the love or hate the holidays, are always on full-tilt.
I’m no exception. [a quick question would be – well, Steve, you’re an atheist. How can you feel this way during CHRISTmas? Easy.. Haven’t you ever heard of Pavlov’s Dog?]
The fact that my emotions were hell-bent on missing her and wanting to see her that when I did, I crumbled. I tried to maintain and I was good for awhile but after hearing that she was going back for another go – it was too much for me.
Regardless of whether I think it will fail or not, it still hurts that the woman you love and you think loves you always chooses unwisely.
I told her she needed to try without fail to make this work for her. I’ve told her that so many times. The problem is, on her journey to make it work, she ended up going to Biloxi and not to her intended destination of Hoboken. That wasn’t her fault. That was his for always doing something stupid – like kicking her out of the house or telling her she’s a whore or something.
I gave her my blessing. All I want is for her to be happy. I want her to have what she deserves in life because, frankly, everyone deserves to be happy and everyone deserves the best (whether they choose it or not). She is an emotionally damaged woman, who needs the help of a professional. This, we have established. It’s a given. This damage is what makes her a pain in the ass to deal with at times. This damage is what causes her to do what she does, without fail. And I must be a masochist because it’s one of the things I enjoyed about her, because I got to take care of her emotionally. We had an equal relationship where she took care of me in other ways. This damage is also something that he cannot handle. He cannot deal. He didn’t before and he will fail again. He hasn’t been in close quarters with her in almost a year. And his proven track record is – he forgets pretty quickly.
We’ll see what happens. I use the analogy of a roulette wheel and she’s the ball. I told her I think she still hasn’t stopped bouncing yet. And when it finally stops, I told her to call me because my money is on black.
Last night – yes, I made the mistake of meeting up with the ex. She wanted to see me for whatever reason she had. And I took the opportunity to see her because, let’s face it, I wanted to.
What was bad was that emotion is elevated during a time when we’re programmed for it to, like Christmas. Everyone’s emotions, no matter how much the love or hate the holidays, are always on full-tilt.
I’m no exception. [a quick question would be – well, Steve, you’re an atheist. How can you feel this way during CHRISTmas? Easy.. Haven’t you ever heard of Pavlov’s Dog?]
The fact that my emotions were hell-bent on missing her and wanting to see her that when I did, I crumbled. I tried to maintain and I was good for awhile but after hearing that she was going back for another go – it was too much for me.
Regardless of whether I think it will fail or not, it still hurts that the woman you love and you think loves you always chooses unwisely.
I told her she needed to try without fail to make this work for her. I’ve told her that so many times. The problem is, on her journey to make it work, she ended up going to Biloxi and not to her intended destination of Hoboken. That wasn’t her fault. That was his for always doing something stupid – like kicking her out of the house or telling her she’s a whore or something.
I gave her my blessing. All I want is for her to be happy. I want her to have what she deserves in life because, frankly, everyone deserves to be happy and everyone deserves the best (whether they choose it or not). She is an emotionally damaged woman, who needs the help of a professional. This, we have established. It’s a given. This damage is what makes her a pain in the ass to deal with at times. This damage is what causes her to do what she does, without fail. And I must be a masochist because it’s one of the things I enjoyed about her, because I got to take care of her emotionally. We had an equal relationship where she took care of me in other ways. This damage is also something that he cannot handle. He cannot deal. He didn’t before and he will fail again. He hasn’t been in close quarters with her in almost a year. And his proven track record is – he forgets pretty quickly.
We’ll see what happens. I use the analogy of a roulette wheel and she’s the ball. I told her I think she still hasn’t stopped bouncing yet. And when it finally stops, I told her to call me because my money is on black.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
I did something stupid
I did something stupid tonight. I met up with the ex because she needed to give me something of mine.
It was too close to xmas for me to see her.
All the feelings came back upon seeing her. I wish I didn’t go. She should have just mailed the thing to me.
We talked about stuff and she revealed that she’s moving back in with her husband… so now the fun begins… I told her I give her six months. Her only comment was that I had a right to be mad. What she doesn’t know is that I also have the right to be right.
I did tell her that I want her to be happy. And I meant it. I want her to find what she had with me. I want him to appreciate her. I want him to make her feel special. I want him to truly realize what kind of love he can have with her.
Of course… he never will.
Because he’s a fucking loser-ass-fucking-bullshit bitch.
It’s the alcohol talking, I think.
But I honestly hope she finds her happiness. I told her to try her hardest to make this work because.. well, when it fails she’ll know for sure it’ll never work out. So, she’d better try her hardest.
6 months… Maybe not even that long.. neither of them want to acknowledge the elephant.
I’m drunk btw. Absinth. Good stuff.
It was too close to xmas for me to see her.
All the feelings came back upon seeing her. I wish I didn’t go. She should have just mailed the thing to me.
We talked about stuff and she revealed that she’s moving back in with her husband… so now the fun begins… I told her I give her six months. Her only comment was that I had a right to be mad. What she doesn’t know is that I also have the right to be right.
I did tell her that I want her to be happy. And I meant it. I want her to find what she had with me. I want him to appreciate her. I want him to make her feel special. I want him to truly realize what kind of love he can have with her.
Of course… he never will.
Because he’s a fucking loser-ass-fucking-bullshit bitch.
It’s the alcohol talking, I think.
But I honestly hope she finds her happiness. I told her to try her hardest to make this work because.. well, when it fails she’ll know for sure it’ll never work out. So, she’d better try her hardest.
6 months… Maybe not even that long.. neither of them want to acknowledge the elephant.
I’m drunk btw. Absinth. Good stuff.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Christmas Day whoo hoo!
I have a sunburn, a cold and I'm terribly full.
First time I ever played golf and I actually did all right. I played very well for my first time.
Because I'm brilliant! That's right. Brilliant. Prove me wrong.
Of course, I think golf may be a religious game.. a lot of "GOD DAMN" this and "JESUS CHRIST" that. And, a little bit of Oedipus in there as well (a lot of motherly fornication going on). tee hee!
Total tally:
1 Box of Chocolates
3 Bottles of Wine
1 Ipod Shuffle
1 Hold 'Em Players Handbook
1 Deck of cards with poker chips
1 Shot glass with a mini-bottle of Absinth
And 1 fucking pumpkin chocolate loaf of bread. [Rolling Eyes]
First time I ever played golf and I actually did all right. I played very well for my first time.
Because I'm brilliant! That's right. Brilliant. Prove me wrong.
Of course, I think golf may be a religious game.. a lot of "GOD DAMN" this and "JESUS CHRIST" that. And, a little bit of Oedipus in there as well (a lot of motherly fornication going on). tee hee!
Total tally:
1 Box of Chocolates
3 Bottles of Wine
1 Ipod Shuffle
1 Hold 'Em Players Handbook
1 Deck of cards with poker chips
1 Shot glass with a mini-bottle of Absinth
And 1 fucking pumpkin chocolate loaf of bread. [Rolling Eyes]
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Merry f'ing Christmas!
Greetings all! And Merry Christmas. I hope everyone who reads this is enjoying their festive holiday season.
And for those other denominations – Happy Kwanza, Chanukah, Festivus, Christmukah, and, of course, Holidays… for the more generic celebrator.
As some of you may know, I am an atheist. Though I have strayed at times in hope that it would align me more with the woman I loved. That, however, was just foolish of me and was not a good reason why I, or anyone should stroll back to the Word. Actually, I don’t find any reason good enough to stroll back to the Word. The Word is stifling, hypocritical, egotistic and most of all almost impossible to follow without going to hell. Plus the idea of an omnipotent, omnipresent and benevolent being watching over us is absurd. However, if it gives you comfort believing this tripe then more power to you. Again, I thank my ex for giving me insight to further examine this issue and ridicule fundie beliefs as well as Intelligent Design (religious bias wrapped in pseudo-science).
Yes, I’ve begun to read the bible. It’s a good book of mythical stories and as such, should be read. It should also be read to combat those who use it to pass judgment on those they find morally and ethically inferior.
In regards to the bible, I’d highly recommend watching Penn and Teller’s Bullshit show on Showtime.
Linky!
Click the Linky to watch this particularly good episode.
Also, here is a story of a woman who has, over a period of a decade, found her way from fundamentalist Christianity to Athiesm… all on her own. It took me over 5 hours to read this so be prepared to sit awhile. It’s almost 100 pages worth. It’s worth it though.
So why am I spouting off my beliefs? Because I can. Since others do it, and more so than we atheists, why can't I?
And why am I saying Merry Christmas? After all it's a Christian holiday, is it not? Well, not really. It's based more on Pegan rituals than anything else. Tree? Pegan. December 25th? Pegan (to celebrate Winter Solstace) once again. Christ was not born in December, sorry to say. He was born somewhere between March and May... I've since been given proof that he at least existed. Plus, Xmas is more of a commercial holiday now, celebrated round the world by Christians and non-Christians alike.. Oh well..
And for those other denominations – Happy Kwanza, Chanukah, Festivus, Christmukah, and, of course, Holidays… for the more generic celebrator.
As some of you may know, I am an atheist. Though I have strayed at times in hope that it would align me more with the woman I loved. That, however, was just foolish of me and was not a good reason why I, or anyone should stroll back to the Word. Actually, I don’t find any reason good enough to stroll back to the Word. The Word is stifling, hypocritical, egotistic and most of all almost impossible to follow without going to hell. Plus the idea of an omnipotent, omnipresent and benevolent being watching over us is absurd. However, if it gives you comfort believing this tripe then more power to you. Again, I thank my ex for giving me insight to further examine this issue and ridicule fundie beliefs as well as Intelligent Design (religious bias wrapped in pseudo-science).
Yes, I’ve begun to read the bible. It’s a good book of mythical stories and as such, should be read. It should also be read to combat those who use it to pass judgment on those they find morally and ethically inferior.
In regards to the bible, I’d highly recommend watching Penn and Teller’s Bullshit show on Showtime.
Linky!
Click the Linky to watch this particularly good episode.
Also, here is a story of a woman who has, over a period of a decade, found her way from fundamentalist Christianity to Athiesm… all on her own. It took me over 5 hours to read this so be prepared to sit awhile. It’s almost 100 pages worth. It’s worth it though.
So why am I spouting off my beliefs? Because I can. Since others do it, and more so than we atheists, why can't I?
And why am I saying Merry Christmas? After all it's a Christian holiday, is it not? Well, not really. It's based more on Pegan rituals than anything else. Tree? Pegan. December 25th? Pegan (to celebrate Winter Solstace) once again. Christ was not born in December, sorry to say. He was born somewhere between March and May... I've since been given proof that he at least existed. Plus, Xmas is more of a commercial holiday now, celebrated round the world by Christians and non-Christians alike.. Oh well..
Monday, December 19, 2005
We all Need a "life" workout buddy
I recently watched an interview with Angelina Jolie (though, maybe I didn’t catch the whole interview but this is what I garnered). She’s one hot cookie, let me tell you. Anyway..
This was something I completely agreed with and what kinda makes me still depressed after all this time. When you accomplish something great in your life, it doesn’t mean much when you can’t share it with someone you truly care about. Sure, it should make me feel great about myself and all, and it does. I’ve accomplished many a great task and feat. In certain times, I didn’t feel melancholy when I didn’t have anyone to share my triumphs because I didn’t have anyone that I cared for as much as I recently did. Feeling proud of yourself is only amplified when you have another who is proud of you too.
So, lately, I’ve been pretty lethargic when it comes to doing things that I know will be great or have significant impact in my life because it’s really not all that when you can’t share it.
Maybe I want to have bragging rights or maybe I want to impress another but I certainly am not asking for approval or the like. In life, a partner who is of great importance drives us to be better, to make us try harder. It’s their job. To make us feel special and to make us feel we can do more than we set out to do; it’s something we should all do for our significant other. On our own, we may be ambitious and we may strive to work harder but we’ll never get that last set done without a partner.
This was something I completely agreed with and what kinda makes me still depressed after all this time. When you accomplish something great in your life, it doesn’t mean much when you can’t share it with someone you truly care about. Sure, it should make me feel great about myself and all, and it does. I’ve accomplished many a great task and feat. In certain times, I didn’t feel melancholy when I didn’t have anyone to share my triumphs because I didn’t have anyone that I cared for as much as I recently did. Feeling proud of yourself is only amplified when you have another who is proud of you too.
So, lately, I’ve been pretty lethargic when it comes to doing things that I know will be great or have significant impact in my life because it’s really not all that when you can’t share it.
Maybe I want to have bragging rights or maybe I want to impress another but I certainly am not asking for approval or the like. In life, a partner who is of great importance drives us to be better, to make us try harder. It’s their job. To make us feel special and to make us feel we can do more than we set out to do; it’s something we should all do for our significant other. On our own, we may be ambitious and we may strive to work harder but we’ll never get that last set done without a partner.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
My photographic side-gig
A friend of mine is shooting a movie. No, not a student movie or a wanabe movie but a movie he plans to submit to different film festivals for consideration. Hopefully, it will make direct-to-video or something of the sort. It's the story of a guy named Danny McKay (the movie is called The Danny McKay Project) who finds out he has a cancerous tumor in his brain. It's filmed more like a documentary - everything is shot with a digital hand-held.
The story is sad. I cried when I read the script. It was very emotional. I wasn't the only one - I found out many on the crew cried when they read the script. Not that it makes me feel better to know that. It's one of the best scripts my friend has written. I was very moved. I have no doubt he will be able to get on film what he put on paper. Not only is he a talented writer, he is also a talented director.
So... My job is Still Photographer. If you've ever seen promo shots of actors in a movie, those aren't the scenes from the movie itself. There is actually a photographer on-set that takes the photographs you later see on the DVD box, the movie poster, in promo shots for writers and reviewers... they're not taken from the movie itself. This job is fan-fucking-tastic. I'd give my left testicle for a job like this in the movie biz. It's fun, it's behind the scenes, it's easy and there's a lot of money in it. Unfortunately, it's a hard gig to get into. You need to know someone. And even then, good luck.
Anyway, the following are just some of the pics from behind the scenes. They're off my digital camera. I've got stills on film for the promo collateral. I'll have those tomorrow. I can't wait to see them.
This makes things very hard for me. On one hand, I want to move away.. to start anew. Yet, my friend is so close to getting a movie deal on something he wrote and he'll most likely direct. If this happens, I'll get the job of being the set photographer as he'll hire me for the gig. It's not like this will happen in the next year but I may move in that time. I'd have to friggin' move back! In any case, it's something I have to keep open as an option because I know he'll make it. It may sound shallow but I'm waiting for his success so that I can succeed as well. Unfortunately, it's a position you have to wait for someone else to succeed to get. Just a hope... Anyway, here are some shots.. Oh, and the main character looks a lot like Matt Damon.. and the costume designer looks a hell of a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker. How strange.
The story is sad. I cried when I read the script. It was very emotional. I wasn't the only one - I found out many on the crew cried when they read the script. Not that it makes me feel better to know that. It's one of the best scripts my friend has written. I was very moved. I have no doubt he will be able to get on film what he put on paper. Not only is he a talented writer, he is also a talented director.
So... My job is Still Photographer. If you've ever seen promo shots of actors in a movie, those aren't the scenes from the movie itself. There is actually a photographer on-set that takes the photographs you later see on the DVD box, the movie poster, in promo shots for writers and reviewers... they're not taken from the movie itself. This job is fan-fucking-tastic. I'd give my left testicle for a job like this in the movie biz. It's fun, it's behind the scenes, it's easy and there's a lot of money in it. Unfortunately, it's a hard gig to get into. You need to know someone. And even then, good luck.
Anyway, the following are just some of the pics from behind the scenes. They're off my digital camera. I've got stills on film for the promo collateral. I'll have those tomorrow. I can't wait to see them.
This makes things very hard for me. On one hand, I want to move away.. to start anew. Yet, my friend is so close to getting a movie deal on something he wrote and he'll most likely direct. If this happens, I'll get the job of being the set photographer as he'll hire me for the gig. It's not like this will happen in the next year but I may move in that time. I'd have to friggin' move back! In any case, it's something I have to keep open as an option because I know he'll make it. It may sound shallow but I'm waiting for his success so that I can succeed as well. Unfortunately, it's a position you have to wait for someone else to succeed to get. Just a hope... Anyway, here are some shots.. Oh, and the main character looks a lot like Matt Damon.. and the costume designer looks a hell of a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker. How strange.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Chicago's the deal breaker
It was the trip to Chicago that made me realize that I did not want to live in California anymore. Yeah, sure, it’s nice and all; the Southern California sun, the Hollywood celebrity scene, the fantastic looking, shallow fucking bitches that live for their BMW’s and Botox injections. It’s all great, until you want to live a life that is semi-realistic. I’m nowhere near Paris Hilton rich… hell, I’m not even near Gary Coleman rich. Living in Los Angeles is not something that can be sustained on an 8-to-5 job without roommates or without working a second job at Wal-Mart. And right now, I don’t have either.
Chicago has its downfalls – one in particular is the snow. Driving in the snow is terribly dangerous if you’ve never driven in it before. It’s something like an acquired taste. If you haven’t done it before you better do it slowly. One time I was in Fairbanks, Alaska in June and it snowed the week I was there. It’s not supposed to snow in June, from what I understand. What the fuck was nature thinking?
Of course, Los Angeles has the culture, restaurants, the beaches, the nightlife. Chicago does, too. Well, except for the beaches of course, unless you want to hang out at Lake Michigan.
It really isn’t that Chicago is the place I want to move to, it’s because it’s the most tolerable and socially acceptable place I’ve been to. Sure, San Antonio, Dallas, Seattle (hell, even New Jersey was decent) and some other places were nice but Chicago has a charm that I can’t seem to find anywhere else.
Plus, I want to start anew. Not having a place I can call my own and having an ex-girlfriend that I still have feelings for, there really isn’t anything left here that I want to deal with. It’s not that I want to run away; there’s nothing to run from. It’s better to get away from it all and just reestablish myself and not have the stigma that holds me down like bricks on a Mafia snitch. (Hey, Mafia reference, Chicago… gangster… yeah!)
Secretly, I wish I had someone I could just move here with (yes, I’m sitting in the airport typing this) and just root into society and begin again. I wish things were that simple.
Another plus in moving here is the women. They’re attractive yet down-to-earth and obtainable (not in an object sort of way, mind you). They aren’t as shallow minded as Los Angeles women and are much more interesting. Another plus – I can transfer in my company. I’m sure I could get a position out here, even if I have to “downgrade”. I just need a foothold before I go all willy-nilly in finding a new job.
I just want to find my zone, my happiness… my life. I want to be someone and it’s not happening here in So Cal.
Chicago has its downfalls – one in particular is the snow. Driving in the snow is terribly dangerous if you’ve never driven in it before. It’s something like an acquired taste. If you haven’t done it before you better do it slowly. One time I was in Fairbanks, Alaska in June and it snowed the week I was there. It’s not supposed to snow in June, from what I understand. What the fuck was nature thinking?
Of course, Los Angeles has the culture, restaurants, the beaches, the nightlife. Chicago does, too. Well, except for the beaches of course, unless you want to hang out at Lake Michigan.
It really isn’t that Chicago is the place I want to move to, it’s because it’s the most tolerable and socially acceptable place I’ve been to. Sure, San Antonio, Dallas, Seattle (hell, even New Jersey was decent) and some other places were nice but Chicago has a charm that I can’t seem to find anywhere else.
Plus, I want to start anew. Not having a place I can call my own and having an ex-girlfriend that I still have feelings for, there really isn’t anything left here that I want to deal with. It’s not that I want to run away; there’s nothing to run from. It’s better to get away from it all and just reestablish myself and not have the stigma that holds me down like bricks on a Mafia snitch. (Hey, Mafia reference, Chicago… gangster… yeah!)
Secretly, I wish I had someone I could just move here with (yes, I’m sitting in the airport typing this) and just root into society and begin again. I wish things were that simple.
Another plus in moving here is the women. They’re attractive yet down-to-earth and obtainable (not in an object sort of way, mind you). They aren’t as shallow minded as Los Angeles women and are much more interesting. Another plus – I can transfer in my company. I’m sure I could get a position out here, even if I have to “downgrade”. I just need a foothold before I go all willy-nilly in finding a new job.
I just want to find my zone, my happiness… my life. I want to be someone and it’s not happening here in So Cal.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Women are just lying sacks...
Why don’t you women just admit it – you’re shallow bitches who, if you found a drooling, one toothed, smelly homo dude with millions of dollars you’d think he was a wonderful man that you thought was “kinda cute”.
I can’t say that I’m in my physical peak. I’ve got a few pounds I’ve got to lose. But my personality more than makes up the way I look. I don’t think I’m hideous – I’m not grossly overweight. I don’t waddle when I walk, I don’t need a cane, and my calves aren’t bigger than my head. I can do pushups, sit ups and I can actually do an hour of cardio at the gym.
However, I do have the personality and wit to more than adequately make up for any physical “discrepancies” I may have. I’m intelligent, cocky and sometimes I’m actually confident.
What really pisses me off is the notion that these women on different online dating sites are looking for a guy that is funny, witty, intelligent and can hold a conversation. That looks don’t really mean anything to them (well, some of them, so they admit). But, a lot of them actually state what they would accept and hey.. I fit under those guidelines.
Then, why I say.. WHY do they not answer. Some are nice and actually they they’re not interested but what the fuck does it mean when they don’t even answer at all??! I’m beginning to think that women are just full of shit. No matter what they look like, they’re looking for someone who is a super model.
Not to mention that they’re looking for a super model with money.
Bitches. Fucking gold-diggers.
Yeah, I’m kinda bitter. And after watching the Victoria’s Secret model show on tv, it solidified even more for me the notion that I’ll never have a gorgeous woman like those on the runway. This isn’t being negative or thinking I’m not worthy (frankly, I think they’re not worthy of me) but if my feelings are true, women are lying sacks of shit.
If you’re not.. well.. give me a call…. I really need to get laid. (and, I’m good at that, too)
I can’t say that I’m in my physical peak. I’ve got a few pounds I’ve got to lose. But my personality more than makes up the way I look. I don’t think I’m hideous – I’m not grossly overweight. I don’t waddle when I walk, I don’t need a cane, and my calves aren’t bigger than my head. I can do pushups, sit ups and I can actually do an hour of cardio at the gym.
However, I do have the personality and wit to more than adequately make up for any physical “discrepancies” I may have. I’m intelligent, cocky and sometimes I’m actually confident.
What really pisses me off is the notion that these women on different online dating sites are looking for a guy that is funny, witty, intelligent and can hold a conversation. That looks don’t really mean anything to them (well, some of them, so they admit). But, a lot of them actually state what they would accept and hey.. I fit under those guidelines.
Then, why I say.. WHY do they not answer. Some are nice and actually they they’re not interested but what the fuck does it mean when they don’t even answer at all??! I’m beginning to think that women are just full of shit. No matter what they look like, they’re looking for someone who is a super model.
Not to mention that they’re looking for a super model with money.
Bitches. Fucking gold-diggers.
Yeah, I’m kinda bitter. And after watching the Victoria’s Secret model show on tv, it solidified even more for me the notion that I’ll never have a gorgeous woman like those on the runway. This isn’t being negative or thinking I’m not worthy (frankly, I think they’re not worthy of me) but if my feelings are true, women are lying sacks of shit.
If you’re not.. well.. give me a call…. I really need to get laid. (and, I’m good at that, too)
Monday, December 12, 2005
Happiness is a Lifetime Achievement
Happiness. It’s the brass ring we all strive to grab on the Merry-go-Round of life. Some may have actually touched it, jiggled it off of the hook, maybe even think they have it but… I think happiness is something that we all strive for but never really achieve. Yeah, some say they’re happy.. at the moment… or for now.. But what is happiness?
It’s elusive, intangible, fleeting. It’s something we think we are but probably strive to become more of. How can you be ‘more happy’? If you’re happy, you’re happy. End of story.
When someone asks me what I want to be I have to say – I don’t think about jobs or status or anything. I think about wanting to be happy. Wanting things to just.. fall in line so that I can be happy with my life. Unfortunately, I don’t think happiness is attainable. Sure, we are happy today or maybe this week.. Hell, we may even be happy for a couple months or a year but… life changes too much for us to remain happy for any given time. I wish life was much more simple than it is to where I can sit back, pop open a beer and be happy for the rest of my life. But I can’t.
I’m still striving just to be happy day-to-day. I’m getting better at that, but I don’t see long term just yet.
I think those people that say they are truly happy have either given up on life, stopped striving to become better or can’t find that next level or are just lying to themselves. Can you really say you’re truly happy? I don’t think I could. Well, I can’t say that I’m remotely happy now.
What would make me happy anyway? The next bonus check? The new car in my garage? The next great lay? Three kids, a pony and some Grape Nuts? No, I can’t say any of those would make me truly happy. Though I know that in the next year my happiness will go up by me being more selfless, by helping others gain a foothold in the story of life and making things just a little better for someone else. I want to donate not my money but my time, my knowledge, my compassion. I think that would get me on the road to happiness and may make me feel better.. but it won’t make me truly happy.
Happiness is a lifetime in attainment. It might even be the Nirvana Buddha had envisioned. It’s not something that comes to us in an epiphany. It’s something that, by the time we’re ready to die, we’ll finally have a grasp on.
The next time you think you’re happy, ask yourself – could you die that very minute.. for real? I mean, if life ended right at that very moment it’d be okay? Because you’re happy? I think not.. because if you are, I want to see you clutching that brass ring with all your heart.
It’s elusive, intangible, fleeting. It’s something we think we are but probably strive to become more of. How can you be ‘more happy’? If you’re happy, you’re happy. End of story.
When someone asks me what I want to be I have to say – I don’t think about jobs or status or anything. I think about wanting to be happy. Wanting things to just.. fall in line so that I can be happy with my life. Unfortunately, I don’t think happiness is attainable. Sure, we are happy today or maybe this week.. Hell, we may even be happy for a couple months or a year but… life changes too much for us to remain happy for any given time. I wish life was much more simple than it is to where I can sit back, pop open a beer and be happy for the rest of my life. But I can’t.
I’m still striving just to be happy day-to-day. I’m getting better at that, but I don’t see long term just yet.
I think those people that say they are truly happy have either given up on life, stopped striving to become better or can’t find that next level or are just lying to themselves. Can you really say you’re truly happy? I don’t think I could. Well, I can’t say that I’m remotely happy now.
What would make me happy anyway? The next bonus check? The new car in my garage? The next great lay? Three kids, a pony and some Grape Nuts? No, I can’t say any of those would make me truly happy. Though I know that in the next year my happiness will go up by me being more selfless, by helping others gain a foothold in the story of life and making things just a little better for someone else. I want to donate not my money but my time, my knowledge, my compassion. I think that would get me on the road to happiness and may make me feel better.. but it won’t make me truly happy.
Happiness is a lifetime in attainment. It might even be the Nirvana Buddha had envisioned. It’s not something that comes to us in an epiphany. It’s something that, by the time we’re ready to die, we’ll finally have a grasp on.
The next time you think you’re happy, ask yourself – could you die that very minute.. for real? I mean, if life ended right at that very moment it’d be okay? Because you’re happy? I think not.. because if you are, I want to see you clutching that brass ring with all your heart.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Anyone? Anyone?? Bueller?
HEY!
Are any of you slackers a member of the Orkut online member community? I WANT ACCESS! Not that I know any Brazillians (most of the people on Orkut) but I'd like to make more friends than I already have. Isn't that sad? And since I think Friendster is a big fucking joke, I want to be elite (or as they say in geekspeek -- 1337!)
Email me an invite if you're a member. I'll be your friend!
Are any of you slackers a member of the Orkut online member community? I WANT ACCESS! Not that I know any Brazillians (most of the people on Orkut) but I'd like to make more friends than I already have. Isn't that sad? And since I think Friendster is a big fucking joke, I want to be elite (or as they say in geekspeek -- 1337!)
Email me an invite if you're a member. I'll be your friend!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Christmas is for shallow, silly people... Who like scarves.
I hate Christmas. I hate it for numerous reasons. One, Jesus Christ was not born in December. If he even existed at all, he probably entered the world somewhere in March. Two, Christmas is more a Pegan holiday than a Christian one. First, the Pegans were celebrating the Winter Equinox. Second, they're the ones that introduced the damn tree. Third, Santa Claus is not a diety of any kind, though he probably represents a wintery one. Finally, what does Christ have to do with giving gifts and being Merry? I don't see the correlation. Do you? EDIT: I see it now.. Wise men who brought gifts yada yada yada.. okay... whatever..
Another reason to hate Xmas -- people are unrealistically nice to each other. Fake fake fake fake.. People are fake. People lie. People are being.... stupid. I hate Christmas because it makes us obligated to be nice to others. Why can't we be nice to each other all year round? Christmas 24/7 52 weeks a year.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- I don't want to spend money buying gifts for others. I'm sure everyone feels obligated in giving gifts. Well, don't buy me anything. I don't want it. I don't want the cheap bottle of wine, the gift certificate to Walmart, the cheese ball with nuts, a tin of popcorn, the joke blow up doll (no matter how horny I may be), the latest PSP game, a giftcard to Barnes and Noble, a facial from the local day-spa or anything else for that matter. I will, however, take cash. And not some trinket of an amount. I'm talking 3 digits or more.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- all the stupid Christmas commercials on tv. All of the stupid shopping days left. The lack of parking space at the mall.
The only good thing about Christmas -- Family, friends and food. Lots of food.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- people are unrealistically nice to each other. Fake fake fake fake.. People are fake. People lie. People are being.... stupid. I hate Christmas because it makes us obligated to be nice to others. Why can't we be nice to each other all year round? Christmas 24/7 52 weeks a year.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- I don't want to spend money buying gifts for others. I'm sure everyone feels obligated in giving gifts. Well, don't buy me anything. I don't want it. I don't want the cheap bottle of wine, the gift certificate to Walmart, the cheese ball with nuts, a tin of popcorn, the joke blow up doll (no matter how horny I may be), the latest PSP game, a giftcard to Barnes and Noble, a facial from the local day-spa or anything else for that matter. I will, however, take cash. And not some trinket of an amount. I'm talking 3 digits or more.
Another reason to hate Xmas -- all the stupid Christmas commercials on tv. All of the stupid shopping days left. The lack of parking space at the mall.
The only good thing about Christmas -- Family, friends and food. Lots of food.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
The EX emailed back
The EX emailed back.
She took her time but she emailed back.
I was quite surprised but I when she emailed back I swear I knew it would come. I felt it.
I will not post the email she wrote because it would not be right – I didn’t write it, though it is addressed to me.
In a nutshell, what she did write was that she still loved me, missed me and was sorry for hurting me. Her love for me will always be. Though she still thinks she loves her husband, she loves me too and that she always will. Her fear caused our break up to occur and now she realizes how being loved so deeply feels.
She also conceded to give me back the jewelry. So, we’ll wait and see.
Maybe one day we’ll actually be able to hang out with each other again. She would like it if I did forgive her and in the long run, I will. However, not right now.
Maybe one day she may even get the jewelry back….
She took her time but she emailed back.
I was quite surprised but I when she emailed back I swear I knew it would come. I felt it.
I will not post the email she wrote because it would not be right – I didn’t write it, though it is addressed to me.
In a nutshell, what she did write was that she still loved me, missed me and was sorry for hurting me. Her love for me will always be. Though she still thinks she loves her husband, she loves me too and that she always will. Her fear caused our break up to occur and now she realizes how being loved so deeply feels.
She also conceded to give me back the jewelry. So, we’ll wait and see.
Maybe one day we’ll actually be able to hang out with each other again. She would like it if I did forgive her and in the long run, I will. However, not right now.
Maybe one day she may even get the jewelry back….
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