I did it!

Well… I did it.  I went into HR this morning and told the manager that I’m takin’ the easy way out – give me my money please!  

This will end a near 10-year run on my corporate career ladder.  Up until now, I’ve been dreading the trek each and every morning to this place.  Though I’ve found solitude at times (most recently, actually) in coming here, I feel that I’m better off in the long run not setting foot here anymore.  Though it will be awhile before I actually do get the pink slip (maybe a month or so), I am content knowing that my life will change after leaving this place.  

In the last year and a half, it’s gone from okay to cah-cah to put-a-gun-to-my-head so quickly I don’t know how I coped.  I just hope that my future brings something more memorable.

A quick note – I just want to thank my friends that have listened to all my bullshit through the past few months.  Without them, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore.  And I mean that literally.  At least I would have done it pretty SoCal style – something like a freeway chase and a police shootout… Go out in a blaze of glory, that’s what I always say.  

Why does this feel like I’m saying goodbye or that I’m accepting an award for something?  

I need a vacation.  I think I’m going to Vegas after I leave work.  I need a few days away.

A slow journey

I tell myself everyday that I need to forget.  But my mind does not want to just yet.  I am going though inner turmoil because my consciousness and my brain are on two different wavelengths (figuratively).

It makes me sad.  The angrier I get the more I want to die.  

And I’ve been excessively angry these past few days.  

The more I feel used, lied to and taken advantage of, the more I just want to either fuck them over somehow or just die.  

Loss takes you through some pretty fucked up feelings.  It’s an emotional roller coaster I never want to experience again for a while.  I believe that not everyone has ever felt this way.  Be it through a loss of a loved one, a loss of a true love, whatever, only those that have truly lost know how I feel.  

The dark places I’ve been included the thoughts of suicide.  It’s not just over a woman.  It’s over a woman I gave myself to and ended up losing myself after she left.

So, when people say I should just let go and move on have never lost on this level.  So, until you have been my shoes, you’ll never understand what it means to have truly lost.  Regardless of the level of deceit she managed to attain, I still loved her.

And this is why I am so angry.  

All I can say is that I hope to see her in hell.

My 60th post!

My 60th post. How neet.


I just got confirmation that the ex is indeed pregnant.

Get this - her husband told someone he doesn't even like and hasn't talked to in monhts who didn't even know they were back together that she was pregnant. Why the fuck would he do anything like that? What a fucktard. In turn, he told her wife who told a friend who told me.

It's just amazing -- how the fuck will this make their relationship any better? I'm absolutely dumbfounded.

Well, like I said... it's not my concern. They're both idiots for sure to bring into this fucked up world a child out of their own selfish need to make their fucked up relationship work. I feel sorry for her but not as much as I do for that child.

Downsizing is in the air

Downsizing is in the air.

First, Ford.  Then Daimler-Chrysler.  Now, the little company I work for.

The industry I work in has been comfortable for many years.  The company I work for dominated it for as long as I can remember.  Unfortunately, that is no longer the case.  Now, with digital imaging and the way it’s grown exponentially, our place as Top Dog has eroded.

So, voluntary resignations are being taken, with the hope that those of us who sacrifice ourselves for the greater good of the company will allow those who decide to take the risk of staying will get to stay for the long-term.

I am one of those that is seriously considering the act of goodwill.  

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t just up and quit for the good of my company-kind.  That would be most stupid of me.  A job, no matter how long it may last, is still a job and money is much needed in my life.  That’s why the severance package my company is offering is so attractive.

19 weeks pay.
$5,000 on top of that.
Accrued vacation and sick pay.
Plus, I get laid-off status, which will allow me to collect unemployment.

So, I can go on unemployment, collect 19 weeks worth of pay and slowly look for a job.  Fortunately, I have a side gig.  That gig is producing a indie movie zine.  Yes, I’m in the publishing business.  

With the advertising we generate, the money is slowly coming in.  Not as fast as I’d like but it’s coming in.  But, because of my full-time gig, I can’t put in as much time in the mag as I’d like so this would afford me that.

And, I’m going to start school soon.  If I start school, I can use the five grand for that, plus the government loans and stuff.  It would allow me to stop paying for the school loans I currently have as they’d become deferred again… which is good because I just don’t see the need to pay off my school loans just yet.  Not that they’re outrageous or anything.  

This is a dead-end job.  What with my reputation as a homewrecker and the fact that I’ve done some pretty stupid things in my tenure… I have nowhere else to go here.  I’ve even been told by management that my name has a great stigma attached to it… so what’s keeping me here?  

The fear of change is, of course, there.  The fear of losing security is also present.  But, the opportunity to go back to school, expand my zine and become a self-sufficient man is also very appealing.  I just don’t do well in the corporate world.  I no longer work well with stupid management not knowing what the fuck they’re talking about.  Talking to someone who’s talking out their ass is really disturbing.

It’s time to move on.  Things are happening in the world and they’re not waiting for me to catch up.  I need to grab on now before I’m too far back and not able to get with it.  

And another good reason – the ex’s husband still works here.  Though I haven’t seen or run into him in the last so many months, the chance is still there that it will happen.  I just can’t stand him.  In fact, it would take all the strength I have to just not kick him in the balls or something.  

This is not good.

So, severance package here I come.  It’ll be so nice to be able to wake up and not have to go anywhere.

On a side note –

The ex is no longer a concern for me.  I believe her to be pregnant now (don’t ask me how I know).  This concludes the roller coaster that was my pining over her.  I’ve lost all respect for her.  I’ve lost all affection for her.  Now… it’s just resentment, regret and pity.  To have a child in the midst of a relationship such as theirs is like reaching for straws while sinking in quicksand.  Say you get one.. yeah, you’ll be able to breath a bit but what happens when you sink further?  It’s sad that, in order to keep that relationship going, they would have to hurry to that point without so much as a glance at all the other problems they have with themselves and their marriage.  Oh how their misery will be forever.  

And their misery will not be mine.  

I think that this is just fine.  Just fine indeed.

Tale of two........

Before I became involved with my ex, there was another that I was absolutely infatuated with. She was the one I was trying so hard to hook up with. It sounds wrong, but while I was sleeping with one, I was chasing the other. It was a very messed up situation. Then, that moment came that the other said she was interested in getting together and I was ecstatic. I told the ex that I had to break it off because there was a chance that the one I really wanted was interested. It was an awkward experience.

Fast forward to today. The one I chased for sooo long was back. She moved back to Colorado a good six months ago but she was in town visiting. She looked so good. So many memories and feelings flooded me. We talked about the ex because she knew about the whole thing and all I could do was apologise and feel bad.

I didn’t mention that, when she left, I pretty much burned a bridge with her. But, I apologised and I continue to apologise and I always will with what I had said to her. I can never make it up because I was an asshole for what I said and it hurts so much to watch the tears fall from her eyes.

If I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t. It wasn’t worth the pain, heartache and the disrespect that I have gone through, no matter how much love I received, no matter how much sex I had. It wasn’t worth the hurt I brought to the other. It wasn’t worth what I go through now; despite the healing I’ve gained.

To Pam:

Though I love and fell in love with you, you are the mistake that will take me a lifetime to rectify. You are a regret that will always remind me. You are the disappointment that will always haunt me.

To Joy:

You are the one that will always elude me. You are the one that killed me. You are the one that I let get away when I was bent on making a shallow relationship work. Your memory will forever humble me. I will always be sorry.

Maybe one day I will be normal again. If not, there’s always the next life.

Back from NY.. unfortunately.

I was just in New York for the weekend.  It was an interesting trip.  I went with a friend who is important in the jazz scene and I had to meet with a few publicists myself (I publish a small indie movie mag).  

The trip was enjoyable, except for the walking and the hotel room.  The hotel itself was pretty cool but if you can imagine a room slightly bigger than a queen-sized bed… well, that’s how cozy it was. And we figured it would be easier to just take the subway.

New York is an amazing place.  The hustle and bustle of the city… the people walking everywhere… the taxi-to-personal car ratio… It was astounding.  The pace of the city can overwhelm anyone.  I’m from LA, where the pace is fast but NY blows it away by leaps and bounds.  You can hit 3 or 4 clubs in a night to see different shows.  Can’t do that in LA.  Last call is at, like, 6am.  If you wanted to, you can hop to a dozen clubs, see half a dozen shows and be drunk until you have to get up for work the next day.  I was rather surprised that places were bumping on a Thursday night!  Again, very un-LA.  

Plus, the fact that we were comp’d at every show saved a ton of money.  At least $300 in covers alone.  

If I were younger and out of debt, I’d seriously consider a move there.  

The sucky thing was that everything reminded me of the ex.  EVERYTHING.  Being near all of the fancy shops and things in Manhattan, I was reminded of her tastes (Coach, Tiffany, etc etc), how fun it would have been to have her with me.  To run around Manhattan with the woman you love would probably be the ultimate vacation.  

The one thing that I was reminded the most while in NY was the vacation the ex and her husband had to NY.  They had attended a wedding.  One night, the hubby got all drunk and admitted to the ex that he thinks he may be gay.  This is one of the most pivotal moments in my ex’s relationship with her husband.  Being drunk allows us to be more uninhibited, allowing true feelings and thoughts to come forth.  We’ll be more brazen with our conversations because we won’t care or we’ll talk about things we wouldn’t normally talk about.  

This, besides the gay porn she found on his computer so long ago, allows me to believe he actually is gay.  That he is hiding it and that no matter how much he tries in this relationship, he’ll always be gay.  

There’s nothing wrong with being gay.  I respect their lifestyle.  No one chooses it, just like no one chooses eye or hair color.  But, some people just don’t accept it (just like eye and hair color).  Right now, he can’t accept it.  I truly believe that.  And, I think he never will.  

Hell… I still miss her terribly.  Maybe I’ll never get over her.  This is what I’m so afraid of.  I wish I were Vulcan.

Dissed by Disney

What has come to this world where one can be interviewed… by the internet?

Today I pushed aside my pride and applied for a part-time job at Disneyland. What happened was this – I filled out their small booklet of paperwork. I then waited almost an hour and a half to be put into a room where I watched a propaganda video showcasing their “Disney Way”. Afterwards, I’m placed in a room where I’m given a web-based “interview.” This wasn’t an interview. This was a questionnaire that asks many of the same questions in different ways to measure some sort of response. To answer them by saying Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree.

After this, I am told I cannot go on in the interview process because of the answers I gave on this web-based “interview”.

Where were the questions related to my seven years of service to the Disney Company? Where were the questions in regards to the lead positions I held? Where were the questions that related to my training position I held in my department for four of those years? Yes, I worked at the Park for 7 years... 1990-97. I guess that didn't matter because, shit, I didn't answer their fucking questions to their liking.

I find it almost degrading and insulting that a company who looks for quality personnel cannot do a quality interview. I’ve never seen a cattle-call interview process such as the one Disneyland has. For a company that needs people to work there, they sure know how to pick the good ones. You cannot judge a person by the way they answer flawed questions based on Agree or Disagree situations. It confuses the questionnaire taker as well as forces them to figure out what the asker is wanting.

Unfortunately, more companies are using these psychological measuring tools to weed out those that do not conform to their views. To ask the same question over and over in different ways to try and “trip up” the subject is not only unethical in my eyes, but also weeds out those that have half a brain and can think freely and on their own. Because those that pass the test are doing so because they guessed right and gave answers they thought the Company wanted.

Six months from now, when I apply again for a part-time job at the Happiest Place on Earth, I shall remember to lie on the questionnaire so that all my answers are positive. Because that’s what they want, right? A bunch of liars who are desperate for a shitty ass job in a theme park that people think is god’s gift.

Whatever.

Emotions suck.

It's been over three months now since my break up.  I thought I was doing better; I've been seeing a therapist and trying to keep myself occupied and I was just accepted into a Bachelor's Program at a great school yet I still feel empty and lonely and unwilling to move on in my life. 
 
I saw her last week because she wanted to give me something back of mine.  I keep wondering why she didn't just send it to me.  We talked about her relationship with her husband and how he's trying but I truly believe it's all smoke and mirrors; that he's doing it all just so that she'll stay and take care of him and that he doesn't love her.  She says she loves him and needs to try to make it work, even though she admitted that all she's doing is trying to fulfull her obligations as a wife and that she was scared of committing to me -- it was easier to go back to an established marriage.  If it weren't for him, we'd be together.  How silly is that?? 
 
I told her I wanted her to be happy and that she should try her hardest to make it work because if it fails, she'll know she tried.  I told her I would never call her again but would love to eventually be friends one day, if that were possible.  In the end I told her I missed and loved her and she said the same and we held each other and kissed goodbye.  I tried to avoid kissing her on the lips but she kissed me instead.  It's the little things that confuse me, like the kiss and the embraces.  I don't know how to explain it but I could just feel "it".  It reinforces my thoughts of her being in denial.
 
Since this meeting, I have regressed back into my depression and have been worse than ever.  I keep trying to analyse everything and being logical about the whole situation.  At the same time, I'm trying to be "a man" about it -- being jovial, non-chalant, making fun, saying I'm over it but secretly I cry for her almost every day and I seriously hope their marriage fails.  It's all a lie in my eyes.
 
Yes, I need to move on.  Yes, I'll eventually heal and yes.. I'm sure there's someone better.  But, I want HER.   
 
I know she loves me.  I know she misses me.  But I know her fear and obligations are all that keep her from leaving him.  He's a weak man, always begging her to come back after apologizing and backpeddling. 
 
And I know she'll never leave him.
 
I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm trying, really I am.
 
I've come to realise that logic doesn't stand a chance when dealing with the heart.  I can come to so many logical conclusions and analyse their relationship and all the things said between them and their behaviour towards one another yet it's all out the window when it comes to fear, obligation, guilt and love.  And I feel so helpless because I want to help her see it but I can't.  I just have to watch and wait for the trainwreck to happen.  Though I don't wait for her to return, I do hope that she will.  This, too, I have to get over.
 
In my heart of hearts, I truly believe she's in love with me and wants to be with me.  But it can never be because of her obligations to him. 

Logic

Logic.

It doesn’t mix well with emotion.  

I guess those Vulcans had something there, didn’t they?  Emotions wreak havoc on our lives.  I wish I could just get rid of them.  

I’ve found Buddhism is the closest to controlling emotion and thought.  Meditation is a wonderful thing that I hope to expound on.  The journey will be long.
I’ve decided to go back to school, too.  This should be most interesting.

Anyway, logic…

When you look at one’s situation and say that it won’t work, it is based upon logic.  Emotions are a little bit more tricky..  If they weren’t, they’d be logical.

Hostel - A Movie review

But first, a few words from our sponsor.

I'm going to try very hard to accept, forget and move on. I also believe in the age old addage - if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be. It's sad that that rhymes. If she comes back, great. If not, great. I'm too bent on thinking about the possibilities of her coming back... I need to start thinking about the possibilities of her NOT coming back.

Seriously, though. I miss her terribly. A friend recently told me that I need to fight for her. I can't. She needs to realise what it is that she gave up on her own. And I need to move on realising it's not my job to save her. Whatever will be will be.

On to our Main Presentation
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Hostel -

Disturbing. Truly disturbing. Hostel is a movie that takes horror to another level. I would compare it the ultimate episode of Punk’d, only a million times more demented. Eli Roth (Cabin Fever) wrote and directed this 95 minute story about three guys who travel through Europe looking for life experiences and a piece of ass. Paxton (Jay Hernandez) and Josh (Derek Richardson), two Americans, meet up with an Icelander called Oli (Eythor Gudjonsson) while on their travels. They end up somewhere in an Eastern European hostel after they are tipped off about all the beautiful women there by a Europimp in Amsterdam. As they take the train to the far-off Slovakian town they encounter a strange businessman who tells of beautiful women and wonderful bars. He also gives the three the creeps. Their first night in the hostel rewards them with the beauty of and carnal relations with three local girls. The next day, the terror begins.

Hostel is definitely a product influenced by the Asian horror scene. Roth pays homage to Japanese Horror-God Takashi Miike (Audition) and even gives him a bit part in the movie (suggesting that Miike participates in the madness that Paxton later finds at the “art gallery”). I was even reminded of Chan-wook Park’s work from Cut (Three… Extremes). There is no subtlety in this film. It’s gory, gruesome and scary. Very. There is also a definite influence by Quentin Tarantino, who presents this film (and is an Executive Producer). Look for the tribute on the television at the hostel (all I can say is… Ezekiel 25:17 in Czech?). There’s some fucking language and nice tits throughout. I’m sure Quentin had some input on that. If you’re into gratuitous sex and nudity, this movie is sure to please. Rick Hoffman (Bloodwork, The Day After Tomorrow) has a brilliant cameo playing a perverse client eager to participate in the bloody deeds awaiting him.

The plot is wickedly good, unpredictable and very suspenseful. After having discussed with good friend Harry Knowles (of AINTITCOOLNEWS.COM) the sickest things the Internet could offer, Roth found himself writing a plot influenced by something Harry had found; that people are willing to pay for the chance to simply murder another. It’s a smart film that any horror addict should cut off their arm to see (or, maybe someone else’s… I don’t know).

Grade – A